Team Dreamin' 2011: Minnesota Timberwolves

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

If there was one thing I loved about being home sick from school when I was a kid, it was watching some kind of trick shot competition on ESPN2—pool, bowling, didn’t matter—it was all awesome. Okay, I also really liked watching Lifetime Original Movies when I was home sick, but you can only sit through Fifteen and Pregnant (starring Kirsten Dunst) so many times.

But back to trick shots. The Timberwolves haven’t been to the playoffs in over five years, and they don't have much of a chance to make it this year, but what they do have is Kevin Love. And if there is one thing he is good at, it is trick shots.

Anyone watching videos of Kevin Love sinking outrageous shots (like these) can see that he would be a beast of an opponent in H-O-R-S-E. So here’s my proposal: To keep things interesting, I say at Minnesota home games they get rid of free-throws and replace them with a round of H-O-R-S-E starring Kevin Love.

What I’m proposing here is not just a normal game of H-O-R-S-E, it’s more like H-O-R-S-E combined with the Daily Double from "Jeopardy" and also some old school, "Rock 'N' Jock" style awesomeness. Here’s how it would work:

Team Dreamin' 2011: New Orleans Hornets

The New Orleans Hornets dodged a bullet this offseason when Chris Paul decided to stay put. Like Carmelo Anthony, Paul has sometimes seemed less than thrilled with his situation, and for a while toward the beginning of summer, it certainly seemed as though he were going to force a trade situation. Now, with the season here, it looks like the Hornets have managed to secure their star point guard for the upkeeping season. But how can they keep him happy until after the 2011-2012 season, when his contract expires, and even beyond? How can they become a winning team that any star would want to play for?

Team Dreamin' 2011: Utah Jazz

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

This is a hard one. It's the Utah Jazz we're talking about here. Quite possibly the most vanilla franchise in the NBA, literally. They've had the same coach since the inception of their franchise, they've run the same pick-and-roll offense since the inception of their franchise, and with the exception of Karl Malone, they've drafted only white players since the inception of their franchise. To top it all off, they've decided that this year they are going back to their original logo, which depicts the classic Utah Jazz note.

Team Dreamin' 2011: Memphis Grizzlies

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

Which one is it???

If you offered me $1000, I still wouldn't have a prayer at being able to name the head coach of the Memphis Grizzlies. That's saying a lot coming from a guy who likes this league so much that the Celtics-76ers preseason game held my imagination for a good 20 minutes the other night.

And no, I'm not going to "look it up," because that would lessen the impact of my already paper-thin argument. But also because it doesn't really matter, does it? If I don't know him, then chances are he lacks the gravitas to lead this charmingly athletic group of pranksters to anything grander then a first-round playoff exit. That's the ceiling of this team, while the basement really isn't that much lower (maybe 10 games below .500?) owing to the pseudo-glut of young guns.

Hence, a jump-start is in order. Let's fire up the defibrillators, Grizzlies, and...

Team Dreamin' 2011: Sacramento Kings

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.


The Sacramento Kings are one of the NBA's hottest young teams. They've got a dynamic second-year guard in Tyreke Evans, an extremely promising rookie big man in DeMarcus Cousins, and several other youthful players--Carl Landry, Omri Casspi, Jason Thompson, Beno Udrih--whose best years lie ahead of them. This is a team that, five years from now, could become a a title contender, provided they continue to draft as well as they have.

But what about this year? How can the Kings become an instant frontrunner in the Western Conference, surpassing the Lakers as the team to beat? Well, it's actually quite simple:

Team Dreamin' 2011: Drinking the Kool-Aid

Remember when we told you that the Wizards owner must have read one of our Team Dreamin' entries after he stated that his franchise is considering changing it's name back to the Bullets?

Well, it appears as if Rick Reilly of ESPN.com is drinking the Team Dreamin' Kool-Aid, as well. Check out his most recent article in which he suggests Kobe and Lebron playing one-on-one would be the "largest pay-per-view sporting event in American history." Just a few weeks back, we dreamed that the NBA All-Star weekend would include a 1 on 1 competition and used a very similar picture of Mamba and the King in our pitch.

Included in the article is a quote by Jeff Van Gundy, who also is clearly drinking the Kool-Aid. Van Gundy argues, "this is exactly what the All-Star game needs. Give us Kobe and Lebron to 21 and they call their own fouls." I've always liked you Jeff, but how about a shout-out to what is clearly your favorite NBA blog next time?

Whose next to drink the Kool-Aid? I seriously hope it's Coach Spo. You, drink that Kool-Aid, Erik, you drink it up!

Team Dreamin' 2011: Portland

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

I always used to say that Greg Oden was probably buying beer for his friends since he was 12 years old. When he was at Ohio State he looked like he was in his mid-40's. Since joining the NBA, he still looks ridiculously old. Also, he's been hurt a ton and so far is a waste of a number one pick, especially with KD available the same year.

But he's the best. He really is. What a friendly and wacky guy. Plus, his junk was on the Internet.

Portland, start Oden 82 games this season.



It's called Team Dreamin' 2011', isn't it?

Team Dreamin' 2011: Orlando Magic

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

Hi Orlando Magic. Yeah, we see you in the back refusing to make eye contact with us, trying not to get called on. But we didn't forget about you.

Because Magic, your plans for this year are as important as any other team's 2010-2011 strategy. You need to capitalize this season or never, because in Dwight Howard you have the one piece that no other team has (Pau is 3/4 the player Howard is; Brook Lopez is about 2/5, but on his way up), but his athleticism will only last so long. And your former All-Star Rashard Lewis (who gets paid $10 million too much each year) is clearly the favorite to gain 35 pounds during the inevitable lockout of 2011.

Unfortunately, you've surrounded Dwight with mediocrity, albeit an opulence of mediocrity. But as we've learned from the Mavericks, you can have as many third options as you'd like, but you cannot win a ring without two sincere stars, one at least seven-feet-tall and the other capable of creating his own shot.

(Yeah, OK. 2004 Pistons, I see you in the back, you can put your hand down now. Right, you won a ring without following this rule. Your outlandish collection of role players masked as all-stars worked together to create a demonic mega-lord with Larry Brown for a brain. When a squad regularly holds teams to 68 points, you can disregard whatever algebra other teams use to chase rings.)

What I'm suggesting here is the NBA equivalent of "write what you know": Hide your deficiencies by playing to your strengths.

Your deficiencies: Lack of traditional post-up scorer; having a point guard who's merely very good during the New Golden Era of Point Guards; the aforementioned missing second banana; no one willing and able to take over offensively in the last two minutes of a close contest; the dangerous trajectory of losing interest in an effective and outspoken head coach; Patrick Ewing on your coaching staff.

Your strengths: Dunks.

So, a humble suggestion for the upcoming season...

Team Dreamin' 2011: Toronto Raptors

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.



Where to go from here, Raptors? Bosh is gone, the East is stacked and frankly, things look grim for you.

Until now...

Hey, Someone's Listening!

The Wizards are getting smart and thinking about following our suggestion. See #31.

Do the right thing, Ted. Do the right thing.

Sorry about the racy picture of scantily-clad, ethnically ambiguous twins(?). It's the best I could do.

Bibby's World/Team Dreamin' 2011: Atlanta Hawks

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em. In this particular instance... Mike Bibby will be sharing his ideas for making the Atlanta Hawks the perfect team going into the 2011 season.

Alright, let's talk. Atlanta Hawks 2011. Eastern Conference Champions. Finals Champions. Rings all around.

You've got the questions; I've got the answers.

How are we going to pull it off? With one simple motto:

Team Dreamin' 2011: New York Knicks

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

So despite the emotional roller-coaster the Knicks have imposed on us this offseason, we at No Regard remain excited. I mean how could we not be? Dolan, Donnie, and D'Antoni (ahem, The Killer D's...) have cobbled together a team of guys that can really play. A low seed in the playoffs is no longer wishful thinking, but a reasonable expectation. For these Knicks, led by Amar'e, it's time to get serious, to focus on basketball; in other words, this ain't no party, this ain't no disco, this ain't no fooling around. Or is it...?

Tream Dreamin' 2011: Denver Nuggets

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

There has sure been a lot of 'Melo wants out of Denver' chatter since LeBron made his decision to play in Miami. The experts have spent the last two months breaking down the potential suitors for Anthony and it makes me sick. So, Denver Nuggets, I plead of you this:

Decide either way what you are going to do about Melo immediately! It's killing us out here!

It's not that I'm upset to hear that Carmelo might leave Denver. It's that I can't bear any more agonizing days in which I spend my minutes debating the different places he might end up and how that might effect the NBA.

Seriously, I cringe thinking about how, for almost two years, I was so obsessed with where LeBron was going to end up I found myself saying phrases like, "He's staying, bro. No way he leaves his hometown without a ring," and "He's coming to the Nets, dude. How could he say no to BK, Jay-Z, and one of the richest people in the world?" on a daily basis.

Now, with all the Melo conversation going on, I again find myself saying phrases like, "He's staying, bro. No way he leaves Denver without a ring," and "He's coming to the Nets, dude. They have the most to offer him. How could he say no to BK, Jay-Z, and Devin Harris?" on a daily basis.

So Denver, bro, get on your horse and move him already. Or don't move him. Whatever it is you want to do, do it ASAP. But send him to the Nets, dude. How can you say no to Melo in BK, with Jay-Z and Devin Harris?

Team Dreamin' 2011: Looking Back, Looking Forward

Maybe you are new to our Team Dreamin' 2011 feature, or maybe you could use a refresher. Whoever you are, here is a brief look into what we at No Regard have dreamed up so far for the NBA 2011 season; what the league would look like if we had our way.

Antoine Walker is back in Boston and taking advantage of the league's newly implemented 4-point shot, but the Celtics aren't the only team making a risky roster move, with the Nets signing a Harlem Globetrotter. Also hoping get to creative with its roster, OKC creates Hard Collison (James Harden sitting on Nick Collison's shoulders wearing a custom parachute jersey) to toughen up it's frontcourt.

Team Dreamin' 2011: LA Lakers

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

Pau Gasol and Brook Lopez are two of the best big men in the league right now. Pau was dominant all year alongside Kobe to help Los Angeles win it's second title in two years and Brook looks like he might someday be a 25 and 10 guy for the Nets. What do they have in common? For starters, they both have brothers who are big-men in the NBA.

How cool would it be to see the Gasols and the Lopezes on the same team playing with the Black Mamba?

Team Dreamin' 2011: NBA All Star Weekend

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

I have believed for some time now that the Saturday night events at the NBA's All-Star weekend rank as the best All-Star events for any current American professional sports league. However, there is a certain competition that Stern has yet to implement that he needs to seriously consider. This event would kill it.

How about it, David? Host a 1 on 1 tournament in Los Angeles during this years All-Star festivities.

Whoa. I know, crazy right? But ponder it for a moment and try and come up with some sort of legitimate argument which suggests that hosting an 8 person 1 on 1 tournament during All-Star weekend is not a brilliant idea for David Stern to think about.

Here's how the single elimination style tourney should be played out. Select 8 potential 1 on 1 players in the NBA via fan voting. For argument's sake: Kobe, Lebron, Melo, Cp3, Wade, Howard, Durant, and Rondo receive the most votes and all agree to compete in LA. The names are put into a hat and the bracket is randomly selected by luck of the draw. First round and semi-final games would be played to 7 with 3's counting as 2's and 2's counting for 1. The final match will be played to 11. Please take a moment and picture what might be witnessed if this were to go down.

Everyone grows up playing 1 on 1. It is ball in its most basic and fundamental form. Undoubtedly, games are won and lost based on the outcome of individual 1 on 1 battles throughout 4 quarters of play. Being able to watch the most ridiculous ballers in the world go at it in a 1 on 1 situation would be unforgettable. Seriously, let's put aside the "What if someone gets hurt?" nonsense and facilitate the coolest thing ever this February.

Team Dreamin' 2011: PACERS

The Pacers are going to be a very fun team to watch this season, no doubt about it. They drafted Paul George and Lance Stephenson, they picked up Darren Collison, and they got rid of Troy Murphy, who, let's face it, doesn't scream fun. Okay, sometimes he does scream "Fun!" when he is playing checkers with his sister, but we will unfortunately not be able to watch those games on national television.

The point is, Indiana has done exciting things. But no one is foolish enough to think they will be an elite, Finals-caliber team, even if Granger takes it to another level this season. The East is just too strong. They're too young. No way. Never happen.

UNLESS:

They build a new stadium in the next two months.

Team Dreamin' 2011: Clippers

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.


During the 09'-10' season the Clippers ranked 20th in the NBA in attendance averaging a meek 16,343 fans per home game. The team they share an arena with, who also happen to be the best team in the league and start Kobe Bryant at 2 guard, were far better at bringing in fans averaging 18,997 attendees per home game. The Clippers should shed their role as the younger, uglier and dumber little-brother franchise of Los Angeles and head to greener pastures. Well maybe not greener, but certainly brighter.

Clip-Show, please move to Las Vegas.

Team Dreamin' 2011: SUNS

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.


Suns, we love you.

But who are you? You let all your children run away. And you had so many good children. Why did you pack their bags for them? With the amiable departure of Elijah and Leandro Barbosa this summer, Steve Nash is the only member left from the original Seven Seconds or Less squad. Your team's identity is being questioned, and if we've learned anything from "The Simpsons" (and we've learned so much from "The Simpsons"), we've learned that you need a soul to write your name in the condensation of ice cream freezers and history books. Look: I like off-season acquisitions Josh Childress, Hakim Warrick, and Hedo as much as the next blogger (I probably like Hedo more than most), but these three disparate role players will not pack a singular personality in the toiletry bags they bring to Phoenix; they will pack odd sizes for their positions and a touch more talent than you thought they had. But nothing more.

Suns, we mourn you.

But we've hatched a plan for you. We promise it will get people excited about your team again, let them know who you are, and in the process show you who you are.

Steve Nash should retire from the NBA. Wait for it...

Team Dreamin' 2011: Cleveland

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

Sad Zydrunas on his first game back.

Before I dive into this I want it to be known that I don't for one second pretend like I know how it feels to be a Cavs fan right now. Witnessing Lebron mumble, "Talents to South Beach" for a die-hard Cleveland supporter must rank among of worst experiences a fan could go through. I've been racking my brain for an analogy to illustrate what it must feel like for Cleveland folk but I have nothing harsh enough to fit the bill.

As soul-crushing as this month has been, it's quite apparent that Cleveland is the most intriguing story of the upcoming season. Nobody has any idea what's going to happen with them. They could go so many different directions. Here's our suggestion though, and we think it's a novel one:

Do whatever it takes to land a first round playoff match-up with Miami.