What The Playoffs Mean: The Playoffs Kinda Suck When Your Team Plays

The playoffs are the sacred text, broad and malleable enough to explain any point of view. They are the way players reach immortality, the way GMs keep their jobs for another year. They are the reason Courtney Lee, Trevor Ariza, JJ Barea and Derek Fisher are kind of close to household names. They are why they play the games and why we watch. But they also mean a lot more than this, which is why we are here. From now until the end of the finals, we'll be here, toiling away, trying to unpack exactly what makes these games so great, exactly What The Playoffs Mean.
 
Here's how I imagine a day in the life of a near-homeless heroin addict:

No Regard Previews: NBA Forever

One Game We Will Watch Tonight: Miami Heat vs. Memphis Grizzles

How could we not suggest that this is the game you watch tonight?

Everything Life Has to Offer, Including the Jumbotron

Sometimes we go to a basketball game and nothing happens. Players set picks, coaches scribble lines on a white board and fans crush concessions. Then there's the once-in-a-hundred-years game where just about every emotion one experiences in life seeps through the cracks of an arena and overwhelms us. It  leaves us feeling strange, confused, ecstatic, moved, hopeful, emotional, depressed, perplexed, angry, embarrassed, amazed, drained, grateful, delighted and awkwardly dancing for thousands to see. That was my afternoon on a chilly Sunday in Boston.

PSA: Make Sure You're Watching LeBron

This is a friendly reminder to watch LeBron James every chance you get. Whether it's a nationally televised game against the Thunder on Christmas day or a loss against the Wizards in December, watch LeBron James. Whether you can focus in on a whole game or just snag five minutes of the second quarter, watch LeBron James.

If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend or husband or wife who doesn't normally watch the NBA, make them watch LeBron James for a minute. If you have a son or daughter, make sure they watch LeBron James. If you're at a bar and there's a dumb football game or college basketball game on the television, ask them to turn on LeBron James.

Watch him because he's the best, maybe ever. Watch him because everything he does—everything—is breathtaking. Watch him because what else are you doing with your life, chief?

This won't last forever and it's important. Watch him.

No Regard Recaps: All Is Love

One Game We Watched Last Night: Minnesota Timberwolves vs. Oklahoma City Thunder

Wolves: 99, Thunder: 93

The Timberwolves have become a team from the '80s that your dad would tell you about. The kind of story you'd listen to with disbelief and jealousy that you missed out on this crew by 15 years of existence.

"You would have loved watching Rubio."

"Yeah I bet," you would respond, irritated at having to hear this for the tenth time because yeah, obviously you would have loved watching Rubio.

"The passing was there like everyone says it was, but he was also a long, tough defender and this odd type of floor general. He had so much experience in his pocket, but was still so young—or at least always seemed young. He was goofy, but that silliness was only relevant because he was so skilled. And oh god the passes."

"Wow." You kind of hate this exercise in "you should have been there" NBA chat, but you also can't help but want to hear more.

"And this team just had a bunch of kind of mystical dudes. Love was as fun to watch rebound as anyone and his shot had such a low arc that you never thought it would go in but did. Peković was essentially a really well rolled D&D character. Brandon Roy was doing this really weird post-retirement comeback tour. You've never heard if JJ Barea, but he had energy and could heat up and somehow played a big role in a lot of important basketball games in his career. In fact, this whole team seemed to play up for big games. They were always worth the ticket price when they came to town. You had to head to the arena and check them out."

"That's cool," you say as you walk away, trying to play it all down. But you're bummed you never got a chance to see this team. They seemed great.

But lucky for us, we are watching them right now. And if we have kids who care at all about the NBA, they're going to have to sit through our drivel about Rubio and the gang. Oh well.

One Game We Didn't Watch Last Night: Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks

Heat: 110, Mavs: 95

How much better is LeBron than anyone else in the NBA right now? Assume Durant is number two, which is the correct assumption. LeBron is what, five times as good as him? Then just think how much better he is than a lower tier all-star like Danny Granger. LeBron is probably 15 times as good as Danny Granger, right? Am I way off here? Any scientists want to weigh in here?

No Regard Presidential Previews: Miami Heat (Barack Obama)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“If you turn away now – if you buy into the cynicism that the change we fought for isn't possible… well, change will not happen.” - Barack Obama

Grand, unreasonable promises were made. Optimistic mantras were turned into sarcastic comments on early failures. Change is within reach, but uncertain.

With LeBron’s megalomaniacal aspirations and the Ray Allen injection, this Miami Heat season will almost definitely avoid the lame duck championship hangover. These guys have survived a first term filled with rabid naysayers yelling about broken promises, but you can only win so many championships each year. And now they are ready to chase history. LeBron is unhinged and Bosh has settled in to his role (which is photobombing). Wade’s health is, as always, a question mark, but how much does that matter anymore? Mike Miller is dead, and Rashard Lewis is alive.

Let’s prematurely crown them once again and fast forward to their kind-of-inevitable Finals matchup with the Lakers: The decisive battleground in The Positional Revolution. Will Coach Spo, the unassuming up-ender of basketball mores, continue leading the path towards positional irrelevance? Or will he bend to the Lakers’ size and play five guys with different heights? Does he have the personnel to even make that choice? Will he start wearing the backwards hat during games?

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Team Rocket

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: “LeBron shows once again why he is finally the best player in the game.”

Headline we're most looking forward to: “Super Nintendo Chalmers Something Something Something Something.”

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: “Jesus, you guys really are fun to watch.”

NBA Middle Names: Shane Battier

We at No Regard spend a lot of time in our NBA knitting circles trying to figure out the human side of these players. Whether it's musing about their commutes to work, how much "Call of Duty" they play, or what their favorite snack food is, we like to remind ourselves that NBA players are nothing more than young men with enviable jobs. What better way to humanize our heroes than look up their middle names?

Shane Courtney Battier

No Regard Recap: Stealing Time From The Faulty Plan

One Game We Watched Last Night: Miami Heat vs. Oklahoma City Thunder

I think LeBron James gets tired. Which is fine, I guess. He does spend all day either running around or thinking about exactly how he’s going to run around later or worrying that people who’ve never met him will say rude things about the ways in which he’s been running around recently. And then he lifts heavy weights until he’s ripped through most of his muscles—and there are so many muscles to rip through—so his body can rebuild those muscles better, bigger than before. He must have to consume so many calories each day just to stay awake, let alone perform at the absolute zenith of athletic capability for extended periods. So yes, I think LeBron James gets tired.

I’m not trying to make excuses for James’ occasional fourth quarter lapses, just looking for reasons. And I think this may be one of them. He tries to win the game early and sometimes this leaves him gassed in the fourth, leading to too many flat, dizzy Wade jumpers. LeBron has always looked most self-assured, most confident in every muscle twitch when his team’s up by like eight in the fourth. These situations are when he always seems to hit that dagger three—the same three that seems to elude him when the game is tied. Being the best player on the floor—on both sides of the ball—for three quarters is probably very draining. Obviously he’s not the first player forced to live with this burden, but he’s the player that I’m talking about right now. He’s also the player that looked a few breathes away from heaven after the 45-point master class that was game six against the Celtics. He gets tired is my point.

If this is really the problem—and there's a good chance it's not because what do I know—then what’s the solution? I say LeBron inverts his world view, stop worrying, and learn to value the fourth quarter more. If you asked him, I bet he'd say that all quarters are created equal. That's kind of true, but also, the fourth quarter is the last quarter, the only quarter where if you're winning at the end, you win the game. So it's a little more important.

The Thunder, during this playoff run at least, seem to have the opposite disposition. They are often slow to get going. But then they get going and it's a real problem for their opponent. They seem little concerned with double digit deficits, especially in that crazy building they play in. They're fine pacing themselves. Surely there will be a game in this series, perhaps even game two, in which the Heat carve out a differential that OKC is unable to scale. But for the first game at least, the Thunder's interpretation of the NBA's temporal construct was the better one. Let's see if LeBron can find the wrinkle in game two.

No Regard Recaps: Welcome Reminder

One Game We Watched Last Night: Miami Heat vs. Boston Celtics

Ten years ago yesterday, the U.S. Men’s National Soccer team completed one of its biggest and most epic victories of all time, a 3-2 nail-bitter in the World Cup over Portugal. It had everything—drama, brilliance, grittiness and, most importantly, it gave the fans hope. Hope that a team nobody expected to do anything ever on the big stage could hang with some of the top footballing nations. I watched that match, alone by myself, at 5:00 am. You better believe the silent fist-pumps and muted fuck yeahs were abundant.

Fast-forward exactly 10 years later to yesterday’s epic Boston Celtics win. While the two teams are not necessarily similar in their makeup (Celtics are grizzled vets while that USMNT outfit sported two up-and-comers named Landon Donovan and DeMarcus Beasely) the games certainly had a similar feel for me.

For starters, due to work, I was forced to watch yesterday’s game alone on the DVR, late into the wee hours of the morning. Yes, last night’s game was by accompanied by something I could not swing as a 16-year-old—two glasses of vodka (isn’t growing up great!)—but you better believe the evening was once again filled with silent fist-pumps and muted fuck yeahs.

My favorite play—Rondo’s tip-pass rebound to Mickael Peaches for an ice-cold, momentum-shifting trey—encouraged flashbacks of Brian McBride’s gutsy, game-winning, diving header. Here are two guys, with no regard for their own human life, sacrificing their bodies for the name on the front of their shirt.

We all become jaded when we get older—in terms of just about anything, really, but particularly as far as sports go. I mean, how many NBA games have we all watched over the years? How many soccer games have I wasted my time freaking out over? Here we go, another pick-and-roll, another corner kick. Every once in a while though, we are reminded why we care so much about people we have never met playing a silly game.

That reminder: hope. Hope that a group everyone cast off as too old, injured, slow and tired can still hang with the Heatles. Hope that another title is still possible. And hope that teams playing as teams are still critical in a star-driven league.

Last night’s game pumped me so full of hope I could barely sleep. The Celtics can do this again, as a unit, like it should be. This win was a fun as that soccer game was 10 years ago.

Thank you, sports.

Good Job! Good Effort! Great Kid!

Hey! Maybe you're struggling right now. Maybe your job or school work or relationships have seemed especially rocky recently and you feel like it's your fault. But hey! Remember: You're giving it your all! Good job! Good effort! Optimism!

No Regard Previews: Brain Burner

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Miami Heat vs. Boston Celtics

After one disappointing and three amazing games, the Miami Heat host the Boston Celtics tonight in what has the potential to be a historic battle. An historic, even, if that's how you choose to speak. Then again, as my partner-in-crime, Andrew Abides, noted last night during a conversation we had over the Internet, it could potentially fall flat.

“I have no idea what to expect out of this series anymore,” he typed. Mr. Abides’ astute observation is well-noted. So far, this series has given us just about everything. And with a guaranteed two, potentially three more games, just about anything could happen.

No Regard Previews: Think Happy Thoughts

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Miami Heat vs. Boston Celtics

Sure, the Heat thoroughly dominated the Celtics in game one. LeBron looked like the best basketball player of all time (which he is). And Ray Allen missing free throws on the reg is a definite sign that the world is indeed coming to an end in 2012. All these things are true, I get it. 

But you know what else is true? Kevin Garnett is back and better than ever. You better believe he has this on his mind headed into tonight:



So you can have your D-Wades, Mike Millers, Ronny Turiafs, Shane Battiers, Super Nintendo Chalmerses, and any other clown that puts on a tank top that says "Heat" on the front of it, Miami fans. I will take my chances with an angry KG, injured Walter Ray Allen, tired Paul Pierce, inconsistent Rondo, and a Goron of a head coach in Doc Rivers.

Celtics 100, Heat 98. You heard it here first folks. 

Another Game We Will Watch Tonight: USA vs. Brazil

You can have your worldwide superstar named Neymar, Brazil. I will take my deadly, bald center-midfielder Michael Bradley any day.

USA 3, Brazil 1. 

Fan optimism and irrationality for life, folks.

No Regard Previews: The Wonder

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Miami Heat vs. Indiana Pacers

A thing happens if and only if that thing happens. If not, then it doesn't happen.

This Miami Heat team may very well generate the most discussion of any sports team ever. They also render any and all pre- or post-game analysis pretty much moot. Their high-tempo, turnover-to-fast-break style of basketball (perfectly branded the "flying death machine" by basketball writer Matt Moore) either works or it doesn't. When it works, they win. When it doesn't, they lose. This is mostly true for any NBA team with a strong identity, but with the Heat, it's gospel. When they power bomb passing lanes and turn long rebounds into breakaway dunks, they're unbeatable. When it doesn't work, everyone talks about breaking up the gang. Whether or not this happens, though, doesn't seem grounded in any sort of recognizable pattern. It kind of just happens or doesn't. There's not really any way to know beforehand if the Heat will unsheathe their fire-blade on any given night. Do I think they will tonight? I do. But what do I (or you) know?

I know it's a little more complicated than I'm making it out to be, but it's also kind of not.

One Game We Probably Won't Watch Tonight: Los Angeles Kings vs. Phoenix Coyotes

Can you believe that's how you pronounce/spell "coyotes"? That's way off. We weren't even close on that one.

No Regard Previews: The Good Ol' Days

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Miami Heat vs. San Antonio Spurs

About five years ago, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers bested the bullies of the East, the Pistons, and earned themselves a spot in the finals to play against the juggernaut that was the Tim Duncan-led San Antonio Spurs. Today, LeBron James and the Miami Heat host the San Antonio Spurs, a team that sports some of the same pieces it did when they swept the the King's Cavs in convincing fashion many moons ago.

With Wade out due to an ankle injury, this Heat team is not so different than that '06-'07 Cleveland team. Yes, Bosh is an upgrade from Big Z and Coach Spo is significantly more interested in trading for Fruit Roll-Ups at lunchtime than Mike Brown ever was, but the similarities exist. Is Super Nintendo Chalmers not Boobie Gibson 2.0? Does Andy V. not possess some of the glue-guy type qualities that makes Udonis Haslem so valuable? And I like to pretend that Scott Pollard and Juwan Howard can somehow be compared.

Regardless, the point is that without Wade, LeBron is playing the role of quarterback, wide-receiver and running back once again. Back in that first finals season, LBJ averaged 27 points, nearly 7 rebounds and 6 assists per game. This campaign, some of which has been sans older-bro Dwayne, the King's numbers are even sicker: 29.5, 8.2, and 7.4 per game, respectively.

Do not get me wrong: No one is a bigger fan of the fact that LeBron went on television for an hour to tell the world that he was going to play basketball with his friends. But part of me misses the good old days when he was the Cleveland Cavaliers. Every game was the LeBron show and the deeper they got in the playoffs, the more intriguing it was to see if he could carry Erik Snow and Drew Gooden to glory.

Tonight, when the Spurs invade Miami, I'll get slight a reminder of what it was like watching the '06-'07 LeBron Jameses. And I always enjoy a good one-man band.


One Game We Probably Won't Watch Tonight (Even Though We'd Kind Of Like To): Houston Rockets vs. Detroit Pistons

We are not shy when it comes to sharing our undying love for Larry Frank. And for some odd reason, we have taken a similar liking to the concept of Kevin McHale coaching in the NBA. The motivation for the former is pretty simple and we have a solid understanding of it: He was top dog with the Nets and had relative success, is one of the biggest basketball nerds in the world, originates from New Jersey and reminds us of ourselves when we were in 6th grade (doing our best to turn a bunch of stale Fritos into a decent PB&J). The latter obsession is not as clear cut to us. We thought McHale was a decent analyst on TNT, but his hiring as the Rockets head coach freakishly fascinates and amuses us. I honestly can't figure it out why, but it's the truth and I think it probably says something about how we view the NBA. (And the simple fact may be that we view the NBA like a bunch of idiots, but that's our bull to lasso, not yours.)

This game pits some pretty dysfunctional offensive clubs against one another in what probably won't be the most entertaining game of the season. But since one of my resolutions for 2012 was to try and view situations positively, perhaps Luis Scola will drop 50 points and Larry Frank will get ejected for charging the court in the 4th quarter.

Also, we're obsessed with Scola, too, but we know why. We watched him a ton that one summer wheel and deal for Argentina and were beyond impressed. He's brimming with game from head to toe and if he did not play for the Rockets he would compete to be an All-Star every year. That and the hair. It's mostly the hair.

Spo Finally Bets the House!!

The Dallas Mavericks may have just won the NBA championship, but the real story of game six comes out of a decision made by pre-pubescent Miami Heat coach, Erik Spo, who finally decided to throw all his chips into the center of the table and bet the House.

Bibby's World: Too Much Mustard

I don't know what's going on anymore. For the first time in my life, I feel too important. I can't buy a car without someone calling out my name or screaming, "GREAT JOB" or "YOU SUCK" or some combination of the two. Every time I touch the rock in a game, I feel the whole world watching me, staring at me like I'm some performer on The Voice. Each time I release for a three, a small part of me hopes that it won't go in so that LeBron won't pass me the ball next time, so that Wade won't mention my name in the next huddle, and so that Bosh won't touch my head on the way to the locker room.

NBA Middle Names: Mike Miller

We at No Regard spend a lot of time in our NBA knitting circles trying to figure out the human side of these players. Whether it's musing about their commutes to work, how much "Call of Duty" they play, or what their favorite snack food is, we like to remind ourselves that NBA players are nothing more than young men with enviable jobs. What better way to humanize our heroes than look up their middle names?

Michael Lloyd Miller

Nobody Knew That They Were All Dead

Once again, the Miami Heatles, led by their three best players, took over the fourth quarter of a game that was close throughout to put a stranglehold on the Eastern conference finals. There are a few different angles worth analyzing when discussing last night's game.

Sick LeBron, Aching for a Statue, and McHale vs. the Frank

The Miami Heat evened the Eastern Conference finals on Wednesday night with stifling defense and another impressive fourth quarter performance from LeBron James. With the series knotted at one game a piece headed back to South Beach, here's what we gathered from game two:

NBA Middle Names: Udonis Haslem

We at No Regard spend a lot of time in our NBA knitting circles trying to figure out the human side of these players. Whether it's musing about their commutes to work, how much "Call of Duty" they play, or what their favorite snack food is, we like to remind ourselves that NBA players are nothing more than young men with enviable jobs. What better way to humanize our heroes than look up their middle names?

Udonis Johneal Haslem