Adam's Basketball Basement Tapes: Volume One

My dad saves everything. For a long time, this tendency annoyed me. Recently, though, I realized that for every one of my worthless elementary school lunch menus sitting in a paper bag in his basement, right next to it is a hilarious, terrifying, and/or touching piece of my childhood. It just so happens that many, many of these tokens of nostalgia--papers, drawings, notes--are focused on basketball. I was as passionate in my fandom as a child as I am now. In this series, I'll share with you some of the artifacts uncovered while digging through the minutiae of my youth.

This first basement haul took place over Thanksgiving weekend. Because of the extensive amount of bagged schoolwork sitting around my dad's house, I only got through the fourth grade bag during that time. It was a very basketball-filled year, though, with lots of Penny Hardaway, David Robinson, and handwriting better than I could currently muster.

Artifact #1: Some sort of bunny rabbit cutout version of Penny Hardaway, on my favorite medium, construction paper. The kicks? Air Bunnies. The jersey? Not sure, almost sort of looks like "Martian." If Nike had caught wind of my Martian Bunny Penny idea, I'd be at least a thousandaire right now. (I am sad to say that I am not actually a thousandaire right now.)

Artifact #2: A Penny Hardaway three-part hanging decoration of some sort, on my second favorite medium, paper plates with holes punched in them. Might have been for a snowman art project. I was like, "Fuck a snowman, here's Penny Hardaway with no shoes."

Artifact #3: NBA player mailing addresses for, presumably, fan letters. Seen here are the best ways to get in touch with Scottie Pippen, David Robinson, "Pat" Ewing, Karl Malone, Shaquille O'Neal, Michael Jordan and Larry Johnson. Use them responsibly.

 

Artifact #4: "Bulls Make History" news report/Rookie of the Year prediction. It reads:

 Chicago- Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of the Kaufman Look. Today, I will discuss the Bulls' season, and Rookie of the Year candidates. On Tuesday, April 16, 1996, the Chicago Bulls achieved a great accomplishment when they won their 70th game. It was against the Milwaukee Bucks. But, I don't think they can win the championship. I believe they will win a game against the Orlando Magic in the East Championship by one point in overtime. [Ed: Assuming I meant in Game 7? Who knows, kids are dummies.] Who will beat the Bulls in the championship? None other than the #2 seed in the West (not to mention the most underrated team in the NBA), the San Antonio Spurs. This will happen because, there's no way Luc Longley can match up to David Robinson, and Sean Elliott is sure to give Michael Jordan and/or Scottie Pippen a show. All I have to say to Phil Jackson is, maybe next year. [Ed: Hey Phil Jackson, YA GOT BURNT.] Now, to get on the subject of Rookie of the Year. UNC proved that they are a college for elite players when Michael Jordan got drafted, and I believe that the Tar Heel tradition will continue 12 years when Jerry Stackhouse becomes Rookie of the Year. Runner up: Damon Stoudamire

 

Artifact #5: A really fantastic portrait of Penny Hardaway, my favorite player and muse. Don't ask about the the thing between his legs. Could be a mistake, could be a tail, could be a dong. No idea.

 

Artifact #6: A "Who's Who" book report summary sheet on "David Robinson: NBA Super Center" by Bill Gutman. Another fantastic drawing in the top right corner. You'll note that, according to the last prompt, I did indeed admire him, "Because he was in the Navy, he has never yelled at a ref, he doesn't talk trash, and because he is very smart because he was an honor roll student in high school, and got a bachelor's degree in mathematics in college." Definitely an A.

 

Artifact #7: "King for a Day" Essay. Basically, I win a radio contest that makes me King of England for a day. I make sure to tell the reader in paragraph #2 that "I am crazy about basketball." I suppose I did this so that the reader would understand why I ended up choosing David Robinson and Anfernee Hardaway as my assistants, and why we played basketball all day after they arrived.

Artifact #8: A fictitious report of a trip to Sports Authority. "When I went to the Norwalk Sports Authority, I bought a shiny, $330 basketball signed by the Orlando Magic's 6'4 guard, Anfernee Hardaway." Sorry, Mrs. Lopez, I lied to you. Sorry, Penny, I should have given you an extra three inches. 

NBA Things I'm Thankful For

Last night I attended the Celtics 12-point loss to the Spurs. I used to live in Boston and went to Cs games all the time during the 2009-10 season (cheaper cost of living = more disposable income!), and being back at the TD Garden with one of my best friends from my time living there just felt like home. As such, I got the corny idea to make a list of NBA things I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving, both about the game last night and the NBA in general. Enjoy!

No Regard Presidential Previews: San Antonio Spurs (Dwight D. Eisenhower)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Plans are worthless, but planning is everything." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Dwight D. Eisenhower has affected your life more than most presidents. Many of you benefit directly from him daily, couldn’t function without him. He championed the Interstate Highway System. Yeah, that’s your jam right there. You drive all over that thing.

The Spurs? They’ve long ago laid the groundwork for a system of coaches, veterans and expectations that allows for continued, unparalleled success—a convenient commute to championships, if you will. (Sorry.)

Also, like Ike, the Spurs' domestic achievements have always been overlooked in favor of their foreign policy record. Yes, Parker and Ginobli (and maybe even Duncan because none of us really know what the U.S. Virgin Islands are—it’s like, we know their name leads strong with “U.S.” but they’re not states, right?) are imports and should be lauded as such. But the organization’s true gift has been cultivating role players right here on U.S. soil. The greatest trick the Spurs ever pulled was convincing Stephen Jackson he didn’t exist. By dropping him and all the other average role players into their elite system of highways and extra passes, they’ve kept moving, kept evolving into whatever form Triple G Popovich needs them to assume each given year.

It’s tough to know if Tony Parker’s Popovich-mandated takeover of the team last year has resulted in any systematic changes. Would the Duncan-headed '04-'05 squad have allowed a winning streak (something Popovich notoriously dismisses) to reach 20 games? More importantly, would they have allowed themselves to follow it up with a four-game, season-ending losing streak? The latter can be answered simply in the negative, but the former is trickier. Even with Duncan on the decline—albeit a slower decline than we may have expected—this is still the Spurs. But is it still “The Spurs?” Or even the “Spurs?” I don’t know. We don’t know. But we should try and enjoy the end of this truly remarkable sizzle reel. And Patty Mills!

Look, I don’t know how to tie this back in to Ike one last time to wrap it up, bring it full circle, a third stale cliche, except to say that he is dead now and that one day, the Spurs will be dead too. Really makes you think, no?

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Alakazam

Headline we’ll be most sick of reading: “Are the league-leading Spurs for real?”

Headline we’re most looking forward to: “Tony Parker apologizes for being a generally unsavory dude.”

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: “Seriously, you guys are waaay late.”

No Regard Previews: Blood, Sweat, and John Wall

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Phoenix Suns vs. San Antonio Spurs

With two games left on their schedule, the Spurs can still nab the best record in the NBA. No small feat for a team that many of us seem to forget exists on an almost daily basis. Then we remember that they still sport lifetime Spur Timmy Duncan, who continues to do what he does: back-board an orange ball into a hoop and occasionally get asked to fight with NBA official during a game. We remember that despite his injuries this season, Manu is still a crazy-athletic Argentinian dude who can Euro-step to the moon if he so pleases. We remember that while Tony Parker may or may not be sleeping with a teammate's wife, he's having quite possibly his best season yet and almost certainly is an MVP candidate. And finally, we remember that behind it all is a mastermind, Coach Pop, who not only has been able to quietly keep together one of the most consistently successful teams of all time, but also one day did this. He'll forever remain a favorite in our hearts as a result. 

As for Phoenix, after being eliminated from playoff contention last night, we face what might very well be the last Suns vs. Spurs game featuring Steve Nash in an orange Suns tank top. While the contest is ultimately meaningless for the Suns, perhaps recalling the blood gushing out of their captain's nose as a result of Tony Parker's big dome will provide motivation. If this is indeed the last time we are witness to this rivalry, let's hope that we get an effort that reminds us how hard these teams played against each other over the years.

One Game We Definitely Won't Watch Tonight: Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Washington Wizards

If you think that for one second the only reason we are previewing this game is so that I could have an excuse to put up a picture of John Wall in a Red Bulls shirt, then you are way off. That is crazy talk. 

We are just really intrigued to see if the Wizards can continue the impressive form they have been in as of late...

No Regard Previews: The Good Ol' Days

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Miami Heat vs. San Antonio Spurs

About five years ago, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers bested the bullies of the East, the Pistons, and earned themselves a spot in the finals to play against the juggernaut that was the Tim Duncan-led San Antonio Spurs. Today, LeBron James and the Miami Heat host the San Antonio Spurs, a team that sports some of the same pieces it did when they swept the the King's Cavs in convincing fashion many moons ago.

With Wade out due to an ankle injury, this Heat team is not so different than that '06-'07 Cleveland team. Yes, Bosh is an upgrade from Big Z and Coach Spo is significantly more interested in trading for Fruit Roll-Ups at lunchtime than Mike Brown ever was, but the similarities exist. Is Super Nintendo Chalmers not Boobie Gibson 2.0? Does Andy V. not possess some of the glue-guy type qualities that makes Udonis Haslem so valuable? And I like to pretend that Scott Pollard and Juwan Howard can somehow be compared.

Regardless, the point is that without Wade, LeBron is playing the role of quarterback, wide-receiver and running back once again. Back in that first finals season, LBJ averaged 27 points, nearly 7 rebounds and 6 assists per game. This campaign, some of which has been sans older-bro Dwayne, the King's numbers are even sicker: 29.5, 8.2, and 7.4 per game, respectively.

Do not get me wrong: No one is a bigger fan of the fact that LeBron went on television for an hour to tell the world that he was going to play basketball with his friends. But part of me misses the good old days when he was the Cleveland Cavaliers. Every game was the LeBron show and the deeper they got in the playoffs, the more intriguing it was to see if he could carry Erik Snow and Drew Gooden to glory.

Tonight, when the Spurs invade Miami, I'll get slight a reminder of what it was like watching the '06-'07 LeBron Jameses. And I always enjoy a good one-man band.


One Game We Probably Won't Watch Tonight (Even Though We'd Kind Of Like To): Houston Rockets vs. Detroit Pistons

We are not shy when it comes to sharing our undying love for Larry Frank. And for some odd reason, we have taken a similar liking to the concept of Kevin McHale coaching in the NBA. The motivation for the former is pretty simple and we have a solid understanding of it: He was top dog with the Nets and had relative success, is one of the biggest basketball nerds in the world, originates from New Jersey and reminds us of ourselves when we were in 6th grade (doing our best to turn a bunch of stale Fritos into a decent PB&J). The latter obsession is not as clear cut to us. We thought McHale was a decent analyst on TNT, but his hiring as the Rockets head coach freakishly fascinates and amuses us. I honestly can't figure it out why, but it's the truth and I think it probably says something about how we view the NBA. (And the simple fact may be that we view the NBA like a bunch of idiots, but that's our bull to lasso, not yours.)

This game pits some pretty dysfunctional offensive clubs against one another in what probably won't be the most entertaining game of the season. But since one of my resolutions for 2012 was to try and view situations positively, perhaps Luis Scola will drop 50 points and Larry Frank will get ejected for charging the court in the 4th quarter.

Also, we're obsessed with Scola, too, but we know why. We watched him a ton that one summer wheel and deal for Argentina and were beyond impressed. He's brimming with game from head to toe and if he did not play for the Rockets he would compete to be an All-Star every year. That and the hair. It's mostly the hair.