2013 Draft Lottery Running Diary (with Pictures!)

Oh NBA draft lottery, we’ve come so far since David Stern brazenly grabbed the envelope with the folded corner and handed Patrick Ewing to the Knicks. The whole process has grown so much that the selection process happens off-screen now, so we can be TOTALLY sure a team doesn’t get a #1 pick because Dan Gilbert was owed one or Tom Benson just took the Hornets off the league’s hands. Things like that would NEVER happen at the draft lottery!

We here at No Regard find lots of value in the more trivial NBA happenings, and since televised corporate meetings where you kinda feel like something’s off are kinda my thing, I DVR’d the draft lottery just to watch Arrested Development on Netflix and catch the #1 pick later or maybe just look on Twitter write a running diary. There are white guys AND more white guys! I hope you like pictures of someone else's TV. 

 Here we go:

 :00 – looks like I missed the opening sequence, if there was one. Here’s Chad Ford sitting at a table next to some other guy talking about Nerlens Noel. A graphic of the draft rules comes on the screen and the rosters of the league’s crappiest teams scroll across the bottom.

 The camera turns to Heather Cox standing in a room full of fresh NBA gear. “Nice!” you probably just thought to yourself. “That stuff must be worth a fortune!” Well, you’re wrong. Just look at this crap.

 I’d pay like 8 bucks for the contents of that room.

 :01 - Cox tells us she’s in the Good Morning America studios where the lottery itself actually happened. Apparently somewhere there is a locked room full of team executives and exactly four media members plus “members of the accounting firm Ernst & Young” (because they DEFINITELY didn’t rig it this year). They don’t have phones or internet in there, just David Stern telling them exactly what will happen to their families if they go anywhere near Twitter in the next half-hour. Then Cox shows us the ball picking device and some charts with numbers.

In case you care, the Magic have the best chance of winning because the Dwight Howard trade turned out so well for them.

 :03 Ford starts telling us about a bunch of guys we didn’t bother watching in college this year and says maybe Ben McLemore can be the #1 pick (I'm disregarding this, it's Nerlens' night). Heather Cox re-appears and talks to Anthony Bennett from UNLV, who has his arm in a sling. Along with Nerlens Noel’s torn ACL, this may be the gimpiest draft in a while.

:05 – I still haven’t figured out who the co-host talking to Chad Ford is. Ford is talking about guys who might get picked 5-10.  They won’t be heard from until the vastly underrated Rising Stars Challenge where they’ll take turns picking on Brandon Knight.

:08 – We’re suddenly transported to the Simmons/Jalen Rose/Magic Johnson/Mike Wilbon Patronizing Everyone pregame show. Simmons runs through his Karma Power Rankings. [5. Philly 4. Orlando 3. Wizards 2. Kings (no) 1. Pistons.] That was even more pointless than this blog post. Simmons predicts a Kings lottery win, which is the consensus suspicion among NBA conspiracy theorists.

:11 – The guy who runs NBA security just escorted some accountant to the podium with the draft results. They are the only two people in the room who already know the results.

This is so white. We’re almost halfway through and have already gotten two commercial breaks, a cut-away to the Spurs-Griz pregame show, a room full of worthless gear and several people taking their jobs way too seriously. We haven’t met any team representatives yet and don’t know about any of the picks.

:14 - Time for a vignette of possible lottery picks! Ten years ago I watched this very show to find out where LeBron, Darko, Wade, Melo and Bosh might go. Today, I barely know who the guys in this video are.

:15 – Meet the team reps!

Jazz: old white guy

Mavericks: middle-aged white guy

Raptors: middle-aged white guy

Sixers: middle-aged white guy

Blazers: Damian Lillard!

Timberwolves: Kevin Love! He brought a Ricky Rubio bobblehead, doesn’t say a word, is so far beyond this crap.

Wizards: Bradley Beal!

Pistons: Andre Drummond!

Kings: Keith Smart (DeMarcus hasn’t fired him yet!)

Pelicans: Monty Williams lies to us about how excited he was to have Austin Rivers on his team. Also everyone is officially calling them the Pelicans now. I want them to win this so we can have Nerlens in Nawlins.

Suns: old white guy

Cavs: Dan Gilbert’s kid in a bow tie and holy crap his voice has dropped. Also he’s FURIOUS to be at the lottery again.

Bobcats: a man named Fred Whitfield who is shockingly NOT white. If I told you to speak to a Charlotte businessman named Fred Whitfield and released you into this room, you’d take at least 7 guesses before picking this guy.

Magic: old white guy

That’s four players, two coaches, seven non-Kevin Love white guys of varying ages and one Fred Whitfield.

Side note: Dan Gilbert is currently 2/3 of the way to actually becoming Willy Wonka. 

:18 – It’s Adam Silver time! I guess Stern has some reporter’s blood all over his suit and didn’t bring a change of clothes. Picks 9-14 go in the order they were slotted to go, with the Raptors losing their pick to the Thunder, which is somehow related to the James Harden trade.  

:20 – The Pistons get the 8^th pick, which means the Wizards get to squander a top 3 pick this year! They show Bradley Beal, who has not yet processed this information.

:21 – The Bobcats get the 4^th pick despite having the 2^nd best odds to win the lottery. Whitfield looks pissed.

That leaves the Wiz, Cavs and Magic. The camera cuts to Nerlens Noel, who must be begging for the Wizards to win this right now, the Magic are no fun and Cleveland is in Cleveland.

:24 Chad Ford promises there will be actual basketball on after this. Bradley Beal, Dan Gilbert’s kid and this guy are waiting to see the #1 pick.

He looks fun.

The Wiz get the #3 pick. Beal does not care at all.

:25 – Magic get the #2 pick and Dan Gilbert’s kid finally acts like a kid with a solid fist-pump. Cox interviews Dan Gilbert, who promptly makes a joke about keeping his kid confined to his room for six weeks for not winning the draft lottery last year (he's probably not joking). There is a palpable sense that the Magic guy wants to punch both Gilberts in the face and that all the players were ready to go to 1OAK with JR Smith an hour ago.

:27 – The guy who isn’t Chad Ford interviews Nerlens, who mumbles through the whole thing. He’s not looking forward to Cleveland.

:28 – Turns out Chad Ford was Jay Bilas the whole time. I still haven’t figured out the co-host’s name. Every single team rep has already bounced.

:29 – Since nobody is left in the room, they give us this fantastic picture of what the creepiest rich people in Cleveland look like. Note the guys sitting on either side of Dan Gilbert. 

There's a 100% chance they have a basement full of Oompa Loompa's.

  

That’s enough of this. Don't worry, Nerlens. That really dumb sound you hear is everyone in Cleveland assuming this will get LeBron to come back. Also, Kyrie looks really fun to play with, so there's that.

NBA Things I'm Thankful For

Last night I attended the Celtics 12-point loss to the Spurs. I used to live in Boston and went to Cs games all the time during the 2009-10 season (cheaper cost of living = more disposable income!), and being back at the TD Garden with one of my best friends from my time living there just felt like home. As such, I got the corny idea to make a list of NBA things I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving, both about the game last night and the NBA in general. Enjoy!

If You See Something, Say Something: Bullies, Bibby and Starbury For Life!

IYSSSS is our semi-regular internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Starbury Dominating Life in China: Fear not, Stephon Marbury lovers, the former Lincoln High School superstar is having his cake on the other side of the world, and crushing it too. According to William Rhoden's New York Times piece, Steph writes for a local paper, is a therapist to the other American players in China, is at peace with his life, and has an amazing apartment. All while averaging 22.3 points per game and leading the Beijing Ducks to an undefeated season to date. Get some, Steph.

David Stern Demands Lunch Money: According to this ESPN.com article, Deron Williams isn't so fond of the commissioner's propensity to give wedgies, push other kids on the playground and smoke cigarettes on school grounds. "You're fighting a bully, man. David Stern is a bully," the superstar guard stated when asked about the Chris Paul situation. Williams did confirm, though, that he does have at least one ally at school: "But I have friends, like, Dwight's my friend, so if I wanna call him and talk to him, I'm gonna call him and talk to him."

No Regard Staffer Joins Knicks!: Popular NBA blogger Mike Bibby has a new team and a fresh start in New York City. The former member of the Grizzles, Kings, Hawks, Wizards and Heat stated that he's "always wanted to play for Mike D'Antoni," in this YouTube video. We couldn't be happier for our special little guy and we expect to hear from the man himself soon!

Clippers Seeking CP3 For Two Reasons: With the Lakers no longer in play, the Clip Show is apparently doing its best to land the most wanted point guard in the league, according to this NBA.com article. If you like players with two first names and alley-oops, check out the 2011-2012 Los Angeles Clippers!

Regarding This NBA Lockout

I have lived through an NBA lockout, but the the stakes did not seem nearly as high then as they appear to be right now. The consequences of this current mess truly have the potential to change the meaning of the NBA for years to come. During the first lockout, the prospect of superstars gracing the courts of Turkey or China were impossible. The legitimacy of those leagues was so far behind the NBA that for someone like Allen Iverson in 1998 to even mention balling abroad was not just laughable, it was non-existent.

Things are different in the post-modern world of 2011. We live in a global society, a global market and a global sports universe. You want proof?

NBA Middle Names: David Stern

We at No Regard spend a lot of time in our NBA knitting circles trying to figure out the human side of these players. Whether it's musing about their commutes to work, how much "Call of Duty" they play, or what their favorite snack food is, we like to remind ourselves that NBA players are nothing more than young men with enviable jobs. What better way to humanize our heroes than look up their middle names?

David Joel Stern

The NBA Draft: Where We Find Our Nihilistic Fandom

Attending the NBA Draft last Thursday was akin to buying a ticket to sit in the comments section of a Deadspin article for two hours. It's crowded and the guy behind you gets stuck on magically vapid phrases like "He put his nuts in his mouth!" and "Better buy a coat, it's cold in [insert name of draftee's new city]!" The entire affair oozes with negative vibes.

Even the booing of commissioner David Stern, which is a tradition I fully support, is clearly a hollow and ridiculous exercise. The man is not without flaws, but the immediate jeers he faces when he first walks out on stage each year have nothing to do with his performance as captain of the league; they seem to be anti-authoritarian in some respect, but are ultimately directionless.

This all seems odd, as the draft is designed as the league's one immaculate beacon of hope. In the warm confines of draft night, the hardships of last season shouldn't matter, because there may just be a 20-year-old ready to fix any roster deficiency or chemistry issue that's been causing your favorite team's computer to crash. All-Stars have been picked all the way into the second round, so why not trick yourself into thinking your team has found that hidden coin in the loaf of Vasilopita—even if just for one night.

But as hard as Jay Bilas and Jon Barry tried to trumpet each and every pick, the atmosphere in the building just didn't match this presumed optimism.

As is normally the case with the NBA Draft, which has resided in the NY/NJ metropolitan area more often than not, the entire affair was best exemplified by Knicks fans. Twenty minutes after New York picked Iman Shumpert to a cacophony of boos, the gentleman sitting to our right in an Allen Houston jersey was still loudly lamenting the pick. Adam Ain't politely leaned over and said, "Excuse me, I'm a Knicks fan too. Just wondering, who did you want them to pick?" Without taking even the briefest of moments to consider the contradiction about to tumble from his lips like a drunkard at a Cirque Du Soleil audition, he responded, "Oh I don't know. Who are you going to get at 17? There's no one there that can do anything."

To combat all this negativity permeating the event, we retreated back to a sort of devil-may-care optimism, what we'll term our Nihilistic Fandom. We greeted most draft decisions with a hearty, "Why not! Print his name on the back of a jersey and get him a locker! He'll get out there!" It's a philosophy we began to develop part of the way through the 2010-2011 season, as a reaction to the sometimes overwhelming spaciousness of the 82-game season. The season is so long, and so many things happen, and so many people have so many things to say about how important or revolutionary or devastating each and every event is, we stopped caring about all of them at a certain point. This is not to say we're not passionate about this league; we spend as much time thinking about the NBA as anyone who actually gets paid to follow the league. We're panicked about a lockout, not even because the threat of missing games, but because we are continually enthralled by the offseason. We are consumed by the league and every single detail it has to offer. At the same time, we know none of it really matters—in both the real world and cosmic senses.

Sitting in New Jersey or Brooklyn, No Regard staff conversations have increasingly started to sound like this:

"Definitely put Jamario Moon in the game. He'll run around and work up a sweat, for sure. Maybe deflect a pass or two. Or not, no worries."

"Kurt Thomas? Absolutely. Get him in there and find out how many rebounds the old man can pull down."

"Ok, trade for Hasheem Thabeet if you have the chance and invite him to a few practices! He'll drive his car to the gym and work out a bit!"

For fuck's sake, our only reaction to the Mavs winning the title was a post about Coach Spoelstra playing Eddie House for 21 minutes in game six.

This ideology is what got us through draft night, and it's what will get us through the lockout. When regular season games finally commence in December, and the players are out of shape and barely aware of the new offensive and defensive systems in which they've been placed, we'll be thrilled with the entire situation—because what does it really matter? Why not enjoy it?

I guess what I'm trying to do here is invite you all to this New Age NBA philosophy of ours, which can be reduced down to this: Nothing matters, and everything that happens in the NBA is fun.

Nihilistic Fandom, welcome.

Team Dreamin' 2011: NBA All Star Weekend

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

I have believed for some time now that the Saturday night events at the NBA's All-Star weekend rank as the best All-Star events for any current American professional sports league. However, there is a certain competition that Stern has yet to implement that he needs to seriously consider. This event would kill it.

How about it, David? Host a 1 on 1 tournament in Los Angeles during this years All-Star festivities.

Whoa. I know, crazy right? But ponder it for a moment and try and come up with some sort of legitimate argument which suggests that hosting an 8 person 1 on 1 tournament during All-Star weekend is not a brilliant idea for David Stern to think about.

Here's how the single elimination style tourney should be played out. Select 8 potential 1 on 1 players in the NBA via fan voting. For argument's sake: Kobe, Lebron, Melo, Cp3, Wade, Howard, Durant, and Rondo receive the most votes and all agree to compete in LA. The names are put into a hat and the bracket is randomly selected by luck of the draw. First round and semi-final games would be played to 7 with 3's counting as 2's and 2's counting for 1. The final match will be played to 11. Please take a moment and picture what might be witnessed if this were to go down.

Everyone grows up playing 1 on 1. It is ball in its most basic and fundamental form. Undoubtedly, games are won and lost based on the outcome of individual 1 on 1 battles throughout 4 quarters of play. Being able to watch the most ridiculous ballers in the world go at it in a 1 on 1 situation would be unforgettable. Seriously, let's put aside the "What if someone gets hurt?" nonsense and facilitate the coolest thing ever this February.

Team Dreamin' 2011: Clippers

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.


During the 09'-10' season the Clippers ranked 20th in the NBA in attendance averaging a meek 16,343 fans per home game. The team they share an arena with, who also happen to be the best team in the league and start Kobe Bryant at 2 guard, were far better at bringing in fans averaging 18,997 attendees per home game. The Clippers should shed their role as the younger, uglier and dumber little-brother franchise of Los Angeles and head to greener pastures. Well maybe not greener, but certainly brighter.

Clip-Show, please move to Las Vegas.

Flopper's Paradise

What do Cristiano Ronaldo, Derek Fisher and a beached flounder have in common? You guessed it: Their tendency to flop. After watching almost every NBA playoff game and now the FIFA World Cup, I've concluded that play-acting is extremely problematic to the flow and popularity of both sports. Soccer's way of combating feigning injury and over-exaggerating contact is by disciplining the athletes, in the case of a clear flop the ref is required to promptly hand out a yellow card. Roundball has no equivalent. The following presents two possible solutions for the NBA front office to consider that might stifle the growing, and certainly negative, trend of ballers doing their best Ronaldo impressions.

Stern could go the soccer route and hand out technical fouls as punishment for a flop. However, the line between a flop and a legitimate fall or foul is not necessarily black and white. Ballers are massive, freakishly large men moving at speeds and in capacities normal folk rarely get to see in person. Giving officials the right to hand out Ts whenever they believe a player is pretending could open up Pandora's box and cause serious controversies.

What about fines? Stern could create an "NBA Anti-Flopping" committee whose job it is to review tape after games on potential flops and determine if in fact the suspected party purposely play-acted on a given play. If it's clear beyond doubt that there was a flop, then hit their wallets hard. Thereafter, the more a player flops, the higher his fines get in the future. Eventually, if a certain number of fines were assessed, the league could suspend the serial "striped bass fighting for his life" impersonator for a game or two.

The latter solution appears to be the more effective method. The stigma attached with being tagged as a documented flopper might be enough alone to deter players. No doubt, street cred would decrease for the league's most fined floppers. Combine that with less dollars in their pockets and possible suspensions, and the Derek Fishers of the league might think twice before they fling their bodies on the hardwood after merely being breathed on.

League Changes Playoff Format, Finals Game 7 to be a Beer Pong Tournament

Thursday, June 17 - In a shocking break from precedent, the NBA announced late Wednesday that they would be changing the format of their playoff system effective immediately. With just one game remaining to decide the 2009-2010 League Champion, the questions were many. At a press conference late last night, Commissioner David Stern tried to assuage frantic members of the media:

"We have been discussing the need for a change in the format of playoff basketball for quite some time now and we feel that there is no better time to implement it than now."

The uproar was immediate, but Stern persisted. "Look, we've figured out that the game is just way too difficult to officiate. The players get too intense and it ends up being a situation where nobody's having fun, and the losing team gets really bummed out. We've figured out a way for everyone to win. Plus, we're tired of everyone getting mad at us."

When asked if this decision was related to the frequency of the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers competing in the Finals, Stern was vague. "My interest in this series has been lackluster. One of our summer interns actually proposed the idea for the change, and it sounded fun to see this settled differently this year."

Speculation is rampant given the drastic nature of these changes. Starting lineups are up in the air as coaches scramble to assess players' ability and tolerance for alcohol. Rumors from the Celtics camp are beginning to surface, and it is heavily suspected that Brian Scalabrine will be relied upon as the Boston's primary scoring option. Glen "Big Baby" Davis, exposed recently as a drool liability, may be declared inactive due to health concerns. Rajon Rondo, allegedly uninterested in recreational drinking, has asked Doc Rivers if he may be excused from competition to practice behind-the-back passes.

When asked some hard-hitting questions regarding the integrity of professional basketball and the league's youth-friendly image, Stern was ornery. "Listen pal, why don't we just wait and see how this goes." The commissioner then tried to go off the record to allege that he was "Pretty buzzed right now."

Tonight will be a different game. How will it go? Who will win? Will a new Finals MVP emerge? Post your comments below.