2013 Draft Lottery Running Diary (with Pictures!)

Oh NBA draft lottery, we’ve come so far since David Stern brazenly grabbed the envelope with the folded corner and handed Patrick Ewing to the Knicks. The whole process has grown so much that the selection process happens off-screen now, so we can be TOTALLY sure a team doesn’t get a #1 pick because Dan Gilbert was owed one or Tom Benson just took the Hornets off the league’s hands. Things like that would NEVER happen at the draft lottery!

We here at No Regard find lots of value in the more trivial NBA happenings, and since televised corporate meetings where you kinda feel like something’s off are kinda my thing, I DVR’d the draft lottery just to watch Arrested Development on Netflix and catch the #1 pick later or maybe just look on Twitter write a running diary. There are white guys AND more white guys! I hope you like pictures of someone else's TV. 

 Here we go:

 :00 – looks like I missed the opening sequence, if there was one. Here’s Chad Ford sitting at a table next to some other guy talking about Nerlens Noel. A graphic of the draft rules comes on the screen and the rosters of the league’s crappiest teams scroll across the bottom.

 The camera turns to Heather Cox standing in a room full of fresh NBA gear. “Nice!” you probably just thought to yourself. “That stuff must be worth a fortune!” Well, you’re wrong. Just look at this crap.

 I’d pay like 8 bucks for the contents of that room.

 :01 - Cox tells us she’s in the Good Morning America studios where the lottery itself actually happened. Apparently somewhere there is a locked room full of team executives and exactly four media members plus “members of the accounting firm Ernst & Young” (because they DEFINITELY didn’t rig it this year). They don’t have phones or internet in there, just David Stern telling them exactly what will happen to their families if they go anywhere near Twitter in the next half-hour. Then Cox shows us the ball picking device and some charts with numbers.

In case you care, the Magic have the best chance of winning because the Dwight Howard trade turned out so well for them.

 :03 Ford starts telling us about a bunch of guys we didn’t bother watching in college this year and says maybe Ben McLemore can be the #1 pick (I'm disregarding this, it's Nerlens' night). Heather Cox re-appears and talks to Anthony Bennett from UNLV, who has his arm in a sling. Along with Nerlens Noel’s torn ACL, this may be the gimpiest draft in a while.

:05 – I still haven’t figured out who the co-host talking to Chad Ford is. Ford is talking about guys who might get picked 5-10.  They won’t be heard from until the vastly underrated Rising Stars Challenge where they’ll take turns picking on Brandon Knight.

:08 – We’re suddenly transported to the Simmons/Jalen Rose/Magic Johnson/Mike Wilbon Patronizing Everyone pregame show. Simmons runs through his Karma Power Rankings. [5. Philly 4. Orlando 3. Wizards 2. Kings (no) 1. Pistons.] That was even more pointless than this blog post. Simmons predicts a Kings lottery win, which is the consensus suspicion among NBA conspiracy theorists.

:11 – The guy who runs NBA security just escorted some accountant to the podium with the draft results. They are the only two people in the room who already know the results.

This is so white. We’re almost halfway through and have already gotten two commercial breaks, a cut-away to the Spurs-Griz pregame show, a room full of worthless gear and several people taking their jobs way too seriously. We haven’t met any team representatives yet and don’t know about any of the picks.

:14 - Time for a vignette of possible lottery picks! Ten years ago I watched this very show to find out where LeBron, Darko, Wade, Melo and Bosh might go. Today, I barely know who the guys in this video are.

:15 – Meet the team reps!

Jazz: old white guy

Mavericks: middle-aged white guy

Raptors: middle-aged white guy

Sixers: middle-aged white guy

Blazers: Damian Lillard!

Timberwolves: Kevin Love! He brought a Ricky Rubio bobblehead, doesn’t say a word, is so far beyond this crap.

Wizards: Bradley Beal!

Pistons: Andre Drummond!

Kings: Keith Smart (DeMarcus hasn’t fired him yet!)

Pelicans: Monty Williams lies to us about how excited he was to have Austin Rivers on his team. Also everyone is officially calling them the Pelicans now. I want them to win this so we can have Nerlens in Nawlins.

Suns: old white guy

Cavs: Dan Gilbert’s kid in a bow tie and holy crap his voice has dropped. Also he’s FURIOUS to be at the lottery again.

Bobcats: a man named Fred Whitfield who is shockingly NOT white. If I told you to speak to a Charlotte businessman named Fred Whitfield and released you into this room, you’d take at least 7 guesses before picking this guy.

Magic: old white guy

That’s four players, two coaches, seven non-Kevin Love white guys of varying ages and one Fred Whitfield.

Side note: Dan Gilbert is currently 2/3 of the way to actually becoming Willy Wonka. 

:18 – It’s Adam Silver time! I guess Stern has some reporter’s blood all over his suit and didn’t bring a change of clothes. Picks 9-14 go in the order they were slotted to go, with the Raptors losing their pick to the Thunder, which is somehow related to the James Harden trade.  

:20 – The Pistons get the 8^th pick, which means the Wizards get to squander a top 3 pick this year! They show Bradley Beal, who has not yet processed this information.

:21 – The Bobcats get the 4^th pick despite having the 2^nd best odds to win the lottery. Whitfield looks pissed.

That leaves the Wiz, Cavs and Magic. The camera cuts to Nerlens Noel, who must be begging for the Wizards to win this right now, the Magic are no fun and Cleveland is in Cleveland.

:24 Chad Ford promises there will be actual basketball on after this. Bradley Beal, Dan Gilbert’s kid and this guy are waiting to see the #1 pick.

He looks fun.

The Wiz get the #3 pick. Beal does not care at all.

:25 – Magic get the #2 pick and Dan Gilbert’s kid finally acts like a kid with a solid fist-pump. Cox interviews Dan Gilbert, who promptly makes a joke about keeping his kid confined to his room for six weeks for not winning the draft lottery last year (he's probably not joking). There is a palpable sense that the Magic guy wants to punch both Gilberts in the face and that all the players were ready to go to 1OAK with JR Smith an hour ago.

:27 – The guy who isn’t Chad Ford interviews Nerlens, who mumbles through the whole thing. He’s not looking forward to Cleveland.

:28 – Turns out Chad Ford was Jay Bilas the whole time. I still haven’t figured out the co-host’s name. Every single team rep has already bounced.

:29 – Since nobody is left in the room, they give us this fantastic picture of what the creepiest rich people in Cleveland look like. Note the guys sitting on either side of Dan Gilbert. 

There's a 100% chance they have a basement full of Oompa Loompa's.

  

That’s enough of this. Don't worry, Nerlens. That really dumb sound you hear is everyone in Cleveland assuming this will get LeBron to come back. Also, Kyrie looks really fun to play with, so there's that.

No Regard Presidential Previews: Cleveland Cavaliers (James Garfield)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“There can be no permanent disenfranchised peasantry in the United States.” - James Garfield

Despite serving eight terms in the House of Representatives, James Garfield's rise was seen as meteoric, as the son of a local wrestler became the first president ever elected directly from the House. Garfield's term was short-lived but eventful, somehow fitting in Civil Service Reform, a Naval modernization bill, a trade treaty with Madagascar, a Supreme Court appointment, placement of African Americans to prominent government posts and some economic stuff I don't understand into only 200 days. On July 2, 1881, Garfield was shot by a psychotic stalker and died from related complications that September.

James Garfield's presidency, as the Cavs contender status, seemed to end as quickly as it started. Over two years later, it is impossible to mentally separate the Cavaliers from "The Decision," possibly history's most ill-advised TV special. The Cavaliers, previously most famous for being on the receiving end of Jordan-over-Ehlo in 1989, rose to prominence in the mid-2000s on the back of local wunderkind LeBron Raymone James. With five playoff appearances in a row, two number one seeds, one NBA Finals trip and an additional Conference Finals exit, Cleveland enjoyed a quick rise from the lottery to being a perennial contender. Then "The Decision" happened. A team that had only two home losses in '08-'09 and was the top seed again the following year immediately fell back to irrelevancy at the bottom of the Eastern Conference. It happened so fast it feels like it never happened at all.

Even a metal detector specially invented by Alexander Graham Bell couldn't locate the bullet in the 20th President's body and save his life. However, modern medicine (or maybe it was a trade with the Clippers, it was probably the trade with the Clippers) was able to give the Cavs a modicum of hope. The Cavs traded Mo Williams to LA's B-squad for Baron Davis and a first rounder and, wouldn't ya know, that pick turned out to be number one overall (on a separate note, Baron Davis's last action in a Clipper uniform was throwing a pass out of the sunroof of a Kia Optima). The Cavs chose Uncle Drew Kyrie Irving, added Tristan Thompson three picks later and a new core was formed.

As exciting as the spectacular Irving is, it's hard not to read the Cavs roster and think "who?" every third or fourth name. Anderson Varejao is the highest-paid player on the team and Luke Walton, so far removed from the glory days of Laker women, is second on the list. Varejao might start for a contender, but Walton has been on contenders before and didn't get a ton of (on-court) action. There is vague hope for the future, but this isn't really a team to get excited about yet. There will be a lot of double-digit losses and probably another lottery appearance, but at least they have a future. At least the assassination, unlike Garfield's, didn't go as planned.


Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Diglett


Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Irving Looking to Make 'The Leap'"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Cavs Offer Five Minutes of Game Time to Local Tall Dude, Fans Mistake Him for Actual Cavs Benchwarmer"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Oh yeah, some jerk on ESPN wearing a purple checkered shirt said you might be coming."

No Regard Previews: Blood, Sweat, and John Wall

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Phoenix Suns vs. San Antonio Spurs

With two games left on their schedule, the Spurs can still nab the best record in the NBA. No small feat for a team that many of us seem to forget exists on an almost daily basis. Then we remember that they still sport lifetime Spur Timmy Duncan, who continues to do what he does: back-board an orange ball into a hoop and occasionally get asked to fight with NBA official during a game. We remember that despite his injuries this season, Manu is still a crazy-athletic Argentinian dude who can Euro-step to the moon if he so pleases. We remember that while Tony Parker may or may not be sleeping with a teammate's wife, he's having quite possibly his best season yet and almost certainly is an MVP candidate. And finally, we remember that behind it all is a mastermind, Coach Pop, who not only has been able to quietly keep together one of the most consistently successful teams of all time, but also one day did this. He'll forever remain a favorite in our hearts as a result. 

As for Phoenix, after being eliminated from playoff contention last night, we face what might very well be the last Suns vs. Spurs game featuring Steve Nash in an orange Suns tank top. While the contest is ultimately meaningless for the Suns, perhaps recalling the blood gushing out of their captain's nose as a result of Tony Parker's big dome will provide motivation. If this is indeed the last time we are witness to this rivalry, let's hope that we get an effort that reminds us how hard these teams played against each other over the years.

One Game We Definitely Won't Watch Tonight: Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Washington Wizards

If you think that for one second the only reason we are previewing this game is so that I could have an excuse to put up a picture of John Wall in a Red Bulls shirt, then you are way off. That is crazy talk. 

We are just really intrigued to see if the Wizards can continue the impressive form they have been in as of late...

Sick LeBron, Aching for a Statue, and McHale vs. the Frank

The Miami Heat evened the Eastern Conference finals on Wednesday night with stifling defense and another impressive fourth quarter performance from LeBron James. With the series knotted at one game a piece headed back to South Beach, here's what we gathered from game two:

Slippery-Dirk, the Backpack, and the Future of the Cavs

When it rains, it pours. And sometimes it even monsoons. Particularly when Dirk Nowitzki is being single-covered for an entire playoff game. The seven-foot German sharpshooter had his way with the Thunder last night, paying no mind to the likes of Serge Ibaka, Kevin Durant or whoever else was unlucky enough to be covering the Maverick power-forward. Coach Brooks made his strategy clear: He's okay with Dirk getting his, but refuses to allow the Dallas supporting cast to be left open. After Dirk's perfect showing from the stripe and nearly perfect mid-range performance, the OKC strategist may want to go back to the drawing board.

We have seen magical Dirk in years past, and if it weren't for a corrupt dirt-bag of an official there's a good chance he'd have a championship ring wrapped around his finger. We shouldn't be surprised after watching him dismantle Tim Duncan and company back in '06, scoring 37 in a decisive game seven in San Antonio on 15-16 from the line and 11-20 from the field. Or how about during the same playoffs where his cool 50 points gave Dallas a 3-2 lead over Phoenix in the Western finals? No, this is nothing new for Dirk.

So why is it then, that the Thunder refused to double him last night? Shouldn't they at least attempt to get the rock out of his hands, forcing the likes of Jason Kidd (once known as "Ason" Kidd because he had no J) and Jet Terry, who is impressive but not even close to Dirk's level, beat them? There's an argument to be made about letting a superstar get his points while containing his teammates, but in the case of a guy who refuses to miss, it simply will not work.

More importantly, Durant's backpack is great addition to the legend that is KD.

Also, Kyrie Irving, Kemba Walker and JJ Hickson: Ladies and gentlemen meet your 2011-2012 Cleveland Cavaliers! Lebron who?

No Regard Previews: A New Show On Broadway

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight:
New York Knicks vs. Milwaukee Bucks

The scene is going to be wild tonight during the first game of the Melo Era in Madison Sqaure Garden. After almost a decade of terrible decisions, and pathetic basketball teams, New York Knick nation has a right to be ridiculously excited. And who better to take over the Big Apple than one of its own, Carmelo Anthony? This evening's game marks the start of something special for both New York City and the NBA. Seriously.

No Regard Daily Previews: Bright Lights, Big Payback

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight:
Miami Heat vs. New York Knicks (aka LeBron James vs. New York City)


Lately, I've had to remind myself that this isn't a Knicks blog. It's been difficult, because for the first time in my adult life, my team is the talk of the League, in a good way. They are exciting, they are gellin' like Magellan, and they are looking like a playoff lock. With all that, it's hard for me not to think of the Knicks first and foremost when I currently think about the NBA (or when I think about anything, really). That said, I've told myself that, for this blog's purpose, I need to avoid the temptation of writing about the Knicks all the time.

Well, that's gonna have to wait, isn't it?

No Regard Daily Previews: Goin' Streaking!

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight:
New York Knicks vs. Boston Celtics


Something's gotta give tonight. And no, I'm not going to be watching the 2003 movie starring Jack Nicholson, Diane Keaton, and Keanu Reeves in which, according to IMDB, "A swinger on the cusp of being a senior citizen with a taste for younger women falls in love with an accomplished woman closer to his age." I'm talking about streaks, baby, either Boston's (ten straight wins) or New York's (eight straight wins). Tonight's epic Eastern Conference clash is perhaps the first Knicks-Celtics game I've witnessed that's had any significance. Both teams are good, finally. As a huge fan of the New York/Boston rivalry, I couldn't be happier. The NBA's version of this northeastern rivalry is exciting! On that note...

No Regard Daily Previews: Throwing Down Ain't Nothing But A Thang

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Dallas Mavericks vs. Golden State Warriors

In typical Dirk-era Dallas fashion, the Mavericks have been piping hot so far this regular season, most recently rattling off nine victories in a row. In typical Curry-era Golden State fashion, the Warriors haven't played any defense so far this regular season, allowing 106.9 points per contest, which ranks them 28th in the league.

Cuban's boys are defending the shit out of the ball, allowing only 92.2 points per game. Shocking, I know, for a team whose nucleus is made up of 67-year-old Jason Kidd and Dirk Nowitzki who, in the past, played as if he'd rather take a swift kick to the nuts than actually try and check opposing bigmen in the post. This whole, allegiance-to-defending gig is a massive step for a team that has championship aspirations. Dirk could easily find himself bodied up against a particularly dexterous Spaniard come May, so everything he's doing now to learn how to defend down low is pivotal.

As for Golden State, don't tell Monta Ellis and Steph Curry that their team doesn't worry about defending.

No Regard Daily Recap: Strange but not a Stranger

One Game We Watched Last Night: Oh, you know.

Heat: 118 Cavs: 90

Will he throw the powder? He sure did.

Will fans throw stuff at him? No, and thank goodness.

Will he get a tribute video? No way, Jose.

Will Z get a tribute video? What would a Z tribute video look like anyway?

Will Z get booed? Not even close. Resounding applause. Very sweet.

How quickly into the game will Varajeo send LeBron to the floor? Not at all. Big hug pre-game. Very sweet.


Will LeBron's mother be in attendance? Don't think so. Can anyone confirm?

Will Bron drop 50? Not quite. But hell of a game.

What will the pre-game pleasantries between the two teams look like? Generally businesslike and unspectacular.

Will Mo Williams cry? Who?

Will LeBron smile once? ...


How many times will Dan Gilbert be shown on camera? Five by our count.

Will the actual game be any good to watch? Depends on whether or not you like torture porn.

Really, can you ever go home? Yes, you can. And when you get there, you can burn the house down.

No Regard Daily Preview: You Can Never Go Home

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Oh, you know.


Will he throw the powder?

Will fans throw stuff at him?

Will he get a tribute video?

Will Z get a tribute video?

Will Z get booed?

How quickly into the game will Varajeo send LeBron to the floor?


Will LeBron's mother be in attendance?

Will Bron drop 50?

What will the pre-game pleasantries between the two teams look like?

Will Mo Williams cry?

Will LeBron smile once?

How many times will Dan Gilbert be shown on camera?

Will the actual game be any good to watch?

Really, can you ever go home?

No Regard Recap: 11-9-2010

One Game We Watched Last Night: Cleveland Cavaliers vs. New Jersey Nets

Cavs: 93 Nets: 91

The 2010-2011 Cavs are like kids whose father has died, but their mother doesn't think they're old enough to hear the truth yet.

"Your father," coach Byron Scott manages to say in a low voice, struggling to stay audible through a mask of dried tears, "had to go on a business trip."

"When will he be back?" quizzes Anderson Varejao.

"Not for a while."

Team Dreamin' 2011: Cleveland

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

Sad Zydrunas on his first game back.

Before I dive into this I want it to be known that I don't for one second pretend like I know how it feels to be a Cavs fan right now. Witnessing Lebron mumble, "Talents to South Beach" for a die-hard Cleveland supporter must rank among of worst experiences a fan could go through. I've been racking my brain for an analogy to illustrate what it must feel like for Cleveland folk but I have nothing harsh enough to fit the bill.

As soul-crushing as this month has been, it's quite apparent that Cleveland is the most intriguing story of the upcoming season. Nobody has any idea what's going to happen with them. They could go so many different directions. Here's our suggestion though, and we think it's a novel one:

Do whatever it takes to land a first round playoff match-up with Miami.

Event Horizon: Cavs

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years. This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities. Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

Immediate Impact: The so-called respectable choice for a player who clearly values his roots and his fans. If our hometown hero does indeed indulge the good people of Cleveland and returns to ticker-tape fanfare, we fear he may find himself at training camp in a few weeks, wondering whether he is in good company.