3 Year Slumber Party

On a day like today, all is understood. The ire, the frustration, the shock; not since Max left the Wild Things stranded on the shore has there been such cause for despondency over the loss of a king. About to bear witness to the world’s first sports dynasty assembled on the buddy system, we struggle to sort it out, and as we do, a peculiar idea surfaces—the NBA is ruined. Dead and gone. Miami used their drug money and sunshine to swindle superstars, stratify the league's talent, and flagrantly eschew tradition to create an elite squad with only rings in mind. Doesn't that sound just awful?

Event Horizon: Mavs

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years.  This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities.  Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

First of all, this is definitely what's happening, so stop shaking your head and get whatever smug "are they serious with this" smirk might have appeared on your face gone.

Immediate Impact: Cuban, Carlisle and Co. finally have a legitimate 2 guy, but it's one nobody expected. Dirk Nowitzki. I mean how seriously, pants-wettingly terrifying is the idea of that jump-shooting caveman being the SECOND best scorer on a team?

Event Horizon: Clippers

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years. This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities. Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

Immediate Impact: A horrible, career-threatening injury. There is no way this scenario would go well, which is why it has been laughable that the Clippers were ever mentioned in the first place.

Event Horizon: Nets

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world's time to tell us where he's going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years. This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it's hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possiblilities. Check back as Bron's 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions...

Immediate Impact: Bron throws up the Roc. Newark mayor Cory Booker gleefully screams, "This is Newark, New Jersey!" then delivers an impromptu speech to his staffers that rivals Obama in his heyday. Prokhorov keeps smiling. Devin Harris keeps playing Call of Duty 3 on his PS3. As for the actual season?

Event Horizon: Bulls

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years. This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities. Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

Immediate Impact: A race begins to give Chicago’s United Center a shit-eating new nickname. ‘The Slaughterhouse’ narrowly beats out ‘Q-nighted Center’ and overnight Chicago is once again the envy and nightmare of the league. Teaming up with Derrick Rose, Carlos Boozer, and Joakim Noah, LeBron takes the Vader mantle from Jordan and we see his heart begin to blacken.

Event Horizon: Knicks

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years. This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities. Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

Immediate Impact: Best case: Championship run. Worst case: Out in the second round.  The difference between these two options depends, in my opinion, on three things: 1. Amar'e being willing to step it up a bit on defense. No matter how many points they score, they're in a league with many people who are also very good at scoring. Must stop them. 2. The point guard situation. Ridnour won't cut it. Felton might. Parker definitely would. 3. LeBron's ability to not only bring the best out of his teammates, but to get them to make him look better when he's off. It's why Kobe has rings. His teammates can step it up even when he's cold.

Event Horizon: Cavs

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years. This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities. Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

Immediate Impact: The so-called respectable choice for a player who clearly values his roots and his fans. If our hometown hero does indeed indulge the good people of Cleveland and returns to ticker-tape fanfare, we fear he may find himself at training camp in a few weeks, wondering whether he is in good company.

Event Horizon: Heat

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years. This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities. Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

Immediate Impact: Upon hearing the King’s decision Pat Riley seeks out current Heat coach, Erik “insert random 8^th grade boy’s last name here,” and does something terrible to him. Possibly removes his soul to ensure that he’s no longer capable of coaching. Riley names himself head coach. Bosh tweets. Jermaine O’Neal starts practicing his, “did you see when I cold-cocked that Detroit fan” story for LeBron. A few No Regard staffers and every hot dog vendor in NYC contemplate suicide.

Bibby's World: Breaking News!!!

Don't know how we locked this down, but we'd like to introduce you to No Regard's newest blogging sensation... Mike Bibby! He'll be checking in whenever he can, just to remind us: It's Bibby's World, we just live in it!

Hey all--

So I know there's been a lot of buzz this week about a whole bunch of stuff, and I promise you I will get to all of it in due time. But before I go yabbering (sp?) off about the hot topics, I would like to congratulate the sandwich makers at Wichcraft on successfully surprising the heck out of me. Who would've thought a company with such a gimmicky name could make such a devilishly good 'wich (see, they've got me doing it too!)?

Okay, now for what everyone is waiting for...

Free Asiancy

Yao Ming is alive, running, and still really, really, ridiculously, super-humanly tall. Those are full grown adult females of the same species (Homo sapiens) that he is running towards (and, as I like to imagine it, about to engulf in a Katamari-like fashion as he grows even larger and larger until he can eventually roll up trees, cars, small nations, etc.).

Aside from my obsession with Katamari Damacy, this photograph brings a few other things to mind:
1. Yao Ming might be paler than I am.
2. Do people in China wear any other colors aside from red, white and black?
3. What the hell has Yao been up to this past year?

Since there could be some debate over the answers to questions one and two, I'm just going to go ahead and address the last question in this post.

Numero Uno

Yesterday Amar'e Stoudemire shook up the Free Agent landscape by being the first marquee player to jump ship and sign a max contract with another team. His move to the New York Knicks was so bold that when he announced it himself over the weekend, people were pretty sure he was lying.

Once Amar'e made his move, the world returned to status quo, waiting to hear from LeBron. I suppose in some universe King James would be okay with being the second guy to sign in New York, the one who followed Amar'e, but it seems unlikely. Assuming James does not go to the Knicks, Amar'e Stoudemire has just done the most brilliant thing in the history of Amar'e Stoudemire. He has stolen the throne.

We Run NY

Ziller raises an interesting possibility over at Fanhouse. As I pretty much gave up on LeBron two weeks ago--in addition to having very conflicting feelings about him being a Knick in the first place--the idea of getting Amar'e and Monta Ellis this year is actually somewhat salivation-inducing for me.

NBA Happy Hour: Following Free Agency "Reports"

TGIF basketball fans! It's the end of the week, so that means NBA Happy Hour! Grab a beer, follow the rules and start the weekend with a Don Nelson-level buzz.

We are all currently stewing in the steaming hot broth called 2010 NBA free agency. It's salty and strange. Hopefully this modest drinking game will get you through the dregs of the "reporting." Yes, the off-season can be a lonely place, but this drinking game doesn't need to be. So grab a few friends, tune into ESPN or NBA TV and...

Drink any time:

Why We Fight

It has been a while since I last thought about LeBron James. I mean, yeah sure, I've read about him, I've talked about him, but for over a month I have not thought about him. I haven't pondered him, haven't measured the weight of what he means to me and to this sport.

Question of the Day

This post was going to be a joke referring to Drew Gooden's freshly inked 5-year/$32 million deal with the Bucks as "the largest piece of the free agency puzzle," but then while browsing the Google image results for "drew gooden" there was an epiphany: He's now teammates with Brandon Jennings, the NBA's latest haircut wunderkind.

Will Drew Gooden, purveyor of the neckstache and numerous other hairstyles of ill repute, be an unforgivably bad influence on Jennings' style, or will he open the young point guard's mind like a tab of LSD?

Building Jumbo Planes

Question of the Day

What's the term for the form of blue balls that NBA fans will suffer if LeBron and every other free agent not named Chris Bosh just stay put?

The Case for Dallas

Let's start here by putting a few cards on the table.

1) I love Dallas. I love Dirk Nowitzki and his off-balance rainbow fadeaway. I love Mark Cuban being a 12-year-old dodgeball captain of an owner with an infinite allowance. I love Jet Terry, even when he punches people in the crotch (if not especially then).

2) Like everyone else at No Regard (and anyone with pulse and a television set), I love LeBron. He is the King of Wow and watching him play is the most consistently exciting thing in sports today.

But that's not the point here. While I'm far from unique in my wishing for the King to reign in my home team's realm, the point is this: I'm right.

That's right, you heard it hear first. I'm saying it publicly and bluntly: LeBron James will wear a Mavericks jersey next season. Why not? Let's set aside the near impossible sign-and-trade scenario necessary to bring this about and have some fun in Conjecture Town.

Question of the Day

Chris Paul's name is spilling out of Worldwide Wes' Rocawear bag today. According to Wes, if you want to sign LeBron James, it would help if you had Chris Paul. Yes, in pursuit of LeBron, it would be beneficial if you had the best point guard in the world on your team who also happens to be one of Bron's best friends. Also, there will be weather today, and always just be willing to trade for great players if you're a GM. It's a disappointingly tepid "news" story on the precipice of a free agency period that's supposed to resemble a vintage Twisted Metal death match. I though things were going to get crazy.

So, question: As we near July 1, will the free agency rumors and news become increasing believable and boring, or can we expect unreliable sources like Charles Oakley's Twitter account to keep the carnival atmosphere alive?

If You See Something, Say Something

Sports Illustrated: The late Manute Bol was not only a steadfast humanitarian and supreme shot-blocker, the man was also photogenic as hell. A remarkable photo gallery.

NBA.com: Chris Bosh: "...I think every kid when they dream about playing basketball, they don't dream about being a role player. They dream about being the man. I have that position in Toronto and to give that up and go somewhere else to be an addition would kinda defeat the purpose of my dreams." Well, Chris, then you have an inflated sense of your talent and a poor understanding of the design of championship teams. Did you have trouble seeing those playoff games you went to this year through your sunglasses?

FreeDarko: Guest journalism about Ricky Rubio's unhappy draft night in 2009, directly from the man who assisted Rubio that entire night.

Slam Online: Drake bringing Kobe onstage. Mamba doesn't overstay his welcome like LeBron did. And he reminds everyone how many rings he has, which LeBron did not do. Unfortunately, Drake didn't let Kobe perform this gem.

Forbes Most Disliked Athletes List [via D.C. Sports Bog]: Gilbert's fall depresses me almost as much as Penny or Grant Hill's injuries did. But the bigger story here: WHY IS IVERSON ON THIS LIST? That's how much his image scared people back when he was actually popular? For the casual sports fan of 2010 to place him on the same list as a man who senselessly killed dogs, a man who cheated on his wife at least hundreds of times and a quarterback who cannot plug his boat's leak while sailing the sea of sleaze means that they really must have had strong feelings about his fucking cornrows. (Look, I know that Iverson's been involved in some unfavorable situations similar to these other guys, but I'm assuming that the people polled don't and I know that's a reasonable assumption.)