Adam's Basketball Basement Tapes: Volume Two

My dad saves everything. For a long time, this tendency annoyed me. Recently, though, I realized that for every one of my worthless elementary school lunch menus sitting in a paper bag in his basement, right next to it is a hilarious, terrifying, and/or touching piece of my childhood. It just so happens that many, many of these tokens of nostalgia—papers, drawings, notes—are focused on basketball. I was as passionate in my fandom as a child as I am now. In this series, I'll share with you some of the artifacts uncovered while digging through the minutiae of my youth.

Haul number two took place around Christmas, and while there was a lot less Penny Hardaway memorabilia, there were still some real gems to be found. I'm not proud of all of them, but here they are, forever immortalized and ready to entertain you. These are a bit scattered through time, but I've marked what I know. Make sure to revisit Volume One, as there are some familiar faces. Bunny faces.

Artifact #1: Drawing of my favorite activity during my favorite time of day (May 1992, age 6)

I didn't give a shit about eating breakfast or reading with my dad. Afternoons were where it was at. I wasn't tired and I got to hoop it up with Martin and Garett on a 15-foot rim. What could be better than that?

Artifact #2: A really great drawing of the Charlotte Hornets mascot (circa 1995/1996, age 10-11)

This is just a really great drawing of the Charlotte Hornets mascot. Look out NBA rookies!

Artifact #3: A fake recap of a fake interview with Kevin Garnett (circa 1996/1997, age 11-12)

I, along with the NBA at large, have had a long, complicated history with Kevin Garnett. Around this time, when he and Stephon Marbury were leading the Timberwolves to their first playoff appearance, I thought they were the coolest thing that had ever happened to the world. This SLAM cover definitely hung on my wall. Of course, my honeymoon with KG would end after he would go on to prove that this was one of the dumbest sentences I've ever written: "He has had some severe criticism but never had an attitude." Whoops. Based on the nonsensical aspects of the second half of this piece, I'm guessing it was an assignment that involved using vocab words.

Artifact #4: A song lyric-referencing pledge of allegiance to my youthful Bulls fandom, and a tough pill to swallow today (circa 1992-1993, age 7-8)

Okay, guys. So I wasn't always a Knicks fan. In fact, during the height of my MJ-induced, Bulls-loving years as a frontrunning child, they were the enemy. There is shame here, but honesty. I wish I could say I've been a complete lifer, but I can't. Growing up during the early '90s made it tough to look past the red and black. Consider this my repentance. What can I say? People change, minds open, hearts find their proper paths. But, yes, I did use hip-hop lingo and reference Aretha Franklin and U2 (with misspellings) as a small child.

Artifact #5: A book report on a Penny Hardaway biography (April 1997, age 11)

You'll recall lots of love for Penny Hardaway from my last Basketball Basement Tape. I hope you didn't for a second think you had seen it all! This is a pretty straightforward book report of a biography by Bill Gutman, the same prolific author of the David Robinson bio I mentioned last time around. Even though I got an A+ on this, the dummy teacher didn't think "the reader" could recognize how good his high school stats were without some sort of comparative analogy. The dummy teacher got back on track on page two, though, where he recognized that this was a "great sentence": "[The fans in Orlando] would soon find out the 'Magic' that Penny possessed." See what I did there?

Artifact #6: A drawing of Bunny Penny's long-lost cousin, Tupac Shabunny (circa 1996-1997, age 11-12)

This isn't basketball-related, but it's obviously part of the continuing Bunny Period I began with Volume One's Bunny Penny. It's also obviously the most gangster shit you've ever seen in your life, so stop worrying about whether it's basketball-related and just enjoy it, geez!

No Regard Presidential Previews: Chicago Bulls (Abraham Lincoln/Andrew Johnson)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure." - Abraham Lincoln

"I feel incompetent to perform duties so important and responsible as those which have been so unexpectedly thrown upon me." - Andrew Johnson

I know it's kind of an insensitive thing to say, but I imagine the feeling of being in Ford's Theater on April 14, 1865, and watching President Abraham Lincoln get shot was not altogether dissimilar to the feeling of watching Derrick Rose go down with a torn ACL in Game 1 of the Bulls playoff series against the Sixers this past April. Obviously, the death of the leader of the free world is far more tragic than an athlete suffering an injury, but the absolute terror of watching the NBA's most exciting point guard writhing on the floor was one of the most jarring experiences of my adult life. No joke.

The man that took over after that fateful evening on the balcony was Andrew Johnson. Not Andrew Jackson, but Andrew Johnson. For someone who was thrown into such an insanely intense situation, you'd think we'd hear more about him. Maybe we don't because of the fact that—especially compared to Lincoln—he was sort of a douchebag royale. Over the course of the four years he was in office, Johnson continued to lean further to the right (did they say that back then?) on the issues of civil rights and holding Confederate leaders accountable. After everything Abe did, his successor went on to veto Congress' Civil Rights Bill, a move that almost got him impeached. Johnson was a complete letdown after the man who brought the country the Emancipation Proclamation.

This season's Bulls may look a lot like Andrew Johnson's presidency, minus all the racism. Last year, until the playoffs, the Bulls were the likeliest candidates to prevent the Heat from steamrolling their way to the Finals. This year, they will be playing the majority of the season, if not the whole thing, without their star point guard and without some of their strong bench players from last year (Ronnie Brewer, C.J. Watson, Omer Asik, Kyle Korver). They will likely take a large step backward from the glory days they saw in the not-too distant past.

Or, ya know what, they may just exceed all expectations and show a gutsiness and resolve that would be far more reminiscent of Lincoln. Luol Deng and Joakim Noah will need to play better than they ever have on the offensive end. Carlos Boozer will need to come close to averaging a double-double. Kirk Hinrich will need to remember he's a starting point guard and play like it. And role players like Nate Robinson, Marquis Teague, Taj Gibson and Marco Belinelli will need to provide a spark off the bench that can catch fire like last year's crew's did.

While all of those pieces aligning may sound like a stretch, keep in mind that Tom Thibodeau is still Chicago's coach, and I'm not sure I'd ever vote against one of that man's teams overachieving and making a run for the playoffs. If he can motivate this team to play for their fallen hero, to keep the spirit that he left them with last spring, they have a chance to become one of the best stories in the NBA this year. If that happens, and if Rose can get onto the court by the time the postseason rolls around, this is a team that could pull together at the right time and surprise a lot of people.

Thibodeau can unite his team like Lincoln united his country. Or, terrible circumstances can lead to a serious regression like our nation's most iconic president falling victim to a loony with a gun led to some major setbacks to the policies he fought hard to put forth.

These will be trying times for the Bulls, no doubt. But there is potential for them to make this season their Gettysburg Address, their declaration that they remain strong, united and free.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Tauros

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Rose Can't Come Back Soon Enough"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Thibodeau Challenges Spoelstra to Arm Wrestle for Coach of the Year Honors"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "I'll tell ya, Derrick, watching you go down was as bad for me as Lincoln getting shot."

The 2012 Playoffs, So Far...

It is almost Memorial Day Weekend on this planet we call Earth in this country we call America. That means it is time to fire up the grill, get those hot chips* cooking, and prepare for the NBA playoffs to get super serial. 

But before we can dish on the future, it's always important to remember how we have arrived at this point. As such, here is my entirely accurate and totally factual summary of every important detail regarding the playoffs so far.     

No Regard Previews: Is The Future Anything?

One Game We Will Watch Tonight: Los Angeles Lakers vs. Denver Nuggets

Face it: You're going to try to explain JaVale McGee to your kids one day. Sorry. It's not going to be easy, but most things in life worth doing are hard. His game five performance will be a crucial part of your presentation, seeing as that game was the realization of everything promised, but rarely delivered, by that seven-foot six-inch wingspan.



Then he hurled the game ball into the stands three seconds after Craig Sager told him to hold onto it. It was a great moment because Sager was kind of a jerk to him in the interview ("You've had a rather uneventful career in Washington..."), but also because it ensured that we'll never lose Pierre McGee, even as JaVale hopefully blossoms. You'll probably include that video in your presentation, too.

"Then, in game six," you'll next explain to your now-enthralled child... But we don't know what you'll say next. Hopefully, you'll be able to say that JaVale continued his progress towards his first All-Star Game. But it's just as likely that you'll simply pull up an embarrassing GIF (like this one) and begin wrapping up your presentation. Regardless, tonight's game seems like a pretty crucial block in JaVale's narrative, so how could we not watch?

One Game We Probably Won't Watch Tonight: Philadelphia 76ers vs. Chicago Bulls

(photo via @cjzero)

There are enough things that bum us out in this world. No need to tune into another.

No Regard Recaps: Tebow Time!

One Game We Watched Last Night: Atlanta Hawks vs. Boston Celtics

Celtics: 87 Hawks: 80

This victory proved the perfect example of how quickly momentum can shift in an NBA playoff serious. (This is a new thing we're trying: Calling a hotly contested, gravely important series a "serious." Let us know if you like/don't it!) Prior to tip, the Cs were down and out, missing Rondo, Ray Ray, and facing a potential 2-0 deficit headed back to New England. Now, thanks to tenacious defense and a vintage Paul Pierce performance, the Green and White are primed to take down the Hawks in a short series. 

Avery Bradley continued his giant strides as a professional by providing stellar ball pressure on Jeffrey Demarco, particularly in the fourth quarter. When needed most, he competently handled the offense and found open shooters. As for The Truth, well it's clear that Boston's all-time leading scorer was on a mission—almost as if to say, "I used to win playoff series without any teammates before, you know?"  Even more importantly, he put a stamp on the game after wetting some clutch fourth quarter buckets and Tebowing. This celebration was definitely the most critical decision he's made all season.

Larry Drew and court general J. Demarco will look to rally the troops in the coming days before they head north for game three. They need to find a way to more consistently unlock Beantown's stifling defense. They also might want to consider Tebowing themselves so we can really heat this thing up. Just sayin'. 

One Game We Didn't Watch Last Night: Chicago Bulls vs. Philadelphia 76ers

Bulls: 92 Sixers: 109

It's hard to stomach this series with D-Rose sidelined by a horrible knee injury. I definitely watched the first half, though, so while Chicago may struggle to score in later rounds without last season's MVP, they should be fine to get past Philly, right? I mean, I did not catch the second half, but surely their huge lead was enough to silence the haters and critics who suggest the Bulls have no shot at a title without Rose, right? They had a decent record in the regular season when he was MIA! They are built on crashing the boards and defending, Rose won't be missed here! 

Sorry? Hmm? Oh really?

Sigh... this is awkward now.

Nobody Knew That They Were All Dead

Once again, the Miami Heatles, led by their three best players, took over the fourth quarter of a game that was close throughout to put a stranglehold on the Eastern conference finals. There are a few different angles worth analyzing when discussing last night's game.

Countin' Those Chickens

The Miami Heat are now twice guilty of celebrating a championship victory before actually winning one. We all remember the silly-ass event in which the newly constructed Big 3 paraded around smoke machines, fist-pumped like buffons and declared they were going to win "not four, not five..." And after besting Boston, "the three best friends that anyone could have" went bonkers, comporting themselves as if they had just vidicated their actions during the summer. King James even apologized to Cleveland for how he left Cleveland. Bold move for a guy that hadn't even gotten through the East, let alone the Western Champs.

Well, they got a rude awakening Sunday night as Derrick Rose all but stated, "Did you forget that we already made you cry once this season?" Most satisfying for the Heat-haters in this world were certainly Taj Gibson's posterization of Wade and Noah's sickly block on Miami's two-guard. Flash should feel thoroughly embarrassed after these two plays.

Of course, this is only game one. No doubt, the Heatles can come back and win this series. But if they don't, it must be stated that celebrating like a crazy person should be reserved for when a team actually wins a title. Not after a few contracts have been inked or a second round matchup has been won over a team whose most pivotal player is competing with one arm.

Clowns.

The Confidence Interval of the Atlanta Hawks

It must be a great time to be a Hawks fan. They finally bested big brother Orlando in convincing fashion, Dominique Wilkins is fist pumping quite frequently in the stands, and Joe Johnson is wetter than the Thunder Canyon water ride at Dorney Park. Not to mention last night's thievery of home-court advantage against Chicago, in a game that was never really in contention. After a few years of pathetic playoff performances, this team appears ready to take the Bulls to the brink.

Round 1 Coming Attractions: Pacers-Bulls

We here at No Regard love our stories. And the playoffs are where each narrative strand that was teased in the regular season is shredded or affirmed. So, here are the first round series as we see them. Thank you.

By mugsy2manute:


The Red Threat in the East never actually went away, it just got quieter for a few years. As a basketball town and team, Chicago is not to be trifled with. Sure, they had the inevitable, requisite post-Jordan rebuilding period, where not a lot happened, and then those adorable Baby Bulls, a favorite underdog of many. Between Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich launching threes from all angles of the court, and Tyrus Thomas attempting dunks, regardless of where he caught the ball, this team was fun; they had hutzpah.

But for Jerry Reinsdorf, Gar Forman and John Paxson, that could never be enough. These are not men who can be easily sated or mollified by scrappy victories or playoff appearances. No, these men have a slew of rings between them and when they construct a team, a championship is the goal in mind. The squad they've constructed is a fearless and balanced basketball team, one crafted with the precise goal to win one in and for Chicago. They are here to take back the territory they know belongs to them.

The Bulls have a smart, seemingly ego-less coach in Tom Thibodeau, who runs a tight ship. They play ruthlessly efficient offense and stifling defense. It's simple, half-court ball, the way playoffs and championships are usually won. They've got the undisputed (besides that missive from Stan the Man) MVP in hometown hero, Derrick Rose, who throughout the year has shown he can do just about everything on the basketball court. Carlos Boozer and Luol Deng lead a talented, versatile front court and Keith Bogans and Kyle Korver provide good enough perimeter play. These disparate pieces coming together create an estimable team. If you look close enough, you can see that Red Dawn on the horizon.

The first obstacle to that day is a decidedly mediocre Indiana Pacer team. Still living and playing in the lanky shadow of one Reggie M., they are finally forging a bit of an identity. Darren Collison and Danny Granger are two guys who can play excellent basketball (sometimes), while Roy Hibbert is a seven-footer who actually has some game. But besides these three and the perpetually angry, but productive Tyler Hansborough, they sorely lack the requisite gamers to lead a charge in these playoffs; but, they may well draw some blood. Like the Spartans at Thermopylae or those wily Wolverines of Calumet, Colorado, the Pacers will make a stand. How far it goes against these Bulls is yet to be seen.

Defining Quote
"...The Russians need to take us in one piece, and that's why they're here. That's why they won't use nukes anymore; and we won't either, not on our own soil. The whole damn thing's pretty conventional now. Who knows? Maybe next week will be swords."

Bulls in 5 

No Regard Daily Recaps: 11-8-10

One Game We Watched This Weekend: Boston Celtics vs. Chicago Bulls

Celtics: 110 Bulls: 105 (OT)

The Celtics squeaked out their second straight overtime victory Friday night in a barn-burner against their Eastern conference rivals, the Chicago Bulls. This game was all about Rose and Rondo, as predicted. The young guards went after each other all evening long and everyone that watched witnessed unprecedented greatness from these budding superstars. I desperately want to see them in a footrace. For me, Rondo's got a quicker first step, but when Rose gets going he might have a Rajon by a hair or two in the open floor. KG's pickpocket of Noah at the end of overtime sealed the deal for a Boston team that is rolling so far this regular season. For Chi-town, there are positives to take away from this game, but the bottom line is that Boozer's hand can't heal soon enough. D Rose needs help offensively and Noah needs help on the glass and defending bigs.

One Game We Didn't Watch This Weekend: Atlanta Hawks vs. Phoenix Suns

Atlanta: 114 Suns: 118

Wow. We missed a good one, huh. Oops.

No Regard Daily Recaps 11-4-2010

One Game We Watched Last Night: New York Knicks vs. Chicago Bulls


Knicks: 120 Bulls: 112

Twelve things I learned tonight:

Bulls:

• The Bulls are on TV every night. Even when they don't have a game.
  
• Derrick Rose may not be able to palm a basketball, but he can fly. Like through the air. Literally. No more than five seconds after I commented on Toney Douglas's defensive prowess did Rose blow by him, jump from a few feet away from the basket, shift in the air to avoid Gallo, and throw down a vicious two handed slam.

No Regard Daily Preview: 11-4-10

One Game We Are Definitely Going to Watch Tonight: New York Knicks vs. Chicago Bulls

For years, New York and Chicago have fought over the right to the title of Best Pizza City in America. Both sides have their loyalists, and in many ways, it purely comes down to a matter of personal preference. Tonight’s matchup in Chicago is oddly similar to this age-old clash between New York and Chi City pies. Think about it:

Event Horizon: Bulls

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years. This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities. Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

Immediate Impact: A race begins to give Chicago’s United Center a shit-eating new nickname. ‘The Slaughterhouse’ narrowly beats out ‘Q-nighted Center’ and overnight Chicago is once again the envy and nightmare of the league. Teaming up with Derrick Rose, Carlos Boozer, and Joakim Noah, LeBron takes the Vader mantle from Jordan and we see his heart begin to blacken.