Adam's Basketball Basement Tapes: Volume Two

My dad saves everything. For a long time, this tendency annoyed me. Recently, though, I realized that for every one of my worthless elementary school lunch menus sitting in a paper bag in his basement, right next to it is a hilarious, terrifying, and/or touching piece of my childhood. It just so happens that many, many of these tokens of nostalgia—papers, drawings, notes—are focused on basketball. I was as passionate in my fandom as a child as I am now. In this series, I'll share with you some of the artifacts uncovered while digging through the minutiae of my youth.

Haul number two took place around Christmas, and while there was a lot less Penny Hardaway memorabilia, there were still some real gems to be found. I'm not proud of all of them, but here they are, forever immortalized and ready to entertain you. These are a bit scattered through time, but I've marked what I know. Make sure to revisit Volume One, as there are some familiar faces. Bunny faces.

Artifact #1: Drawing of my favorite activity during my favorite time of day (May 1992, age 6)

I didn't give a shit about eating breakfast or reading with my dad. Afternoons were where it was at. I wasn't tired and I got to hoop it up with Martin and Garett on a 15-foot rim. What could be better than that?

Artifact #2: A really great drawing of the Charlotte Hornets mascot (circa 1995/1996, age 10-11)

This is just a really great drawing of the Charlotte Hornets mascot. Look out NBA rookies!

Artifact #3: A fake recap of a fake interview with Kevin Garnett (circa 1996/1997, age 11-12)

I, along with the NBA at large, have had a long, complicated history with Kevin Garnett. Around this time, when he and Stephon Marbury were leading the Timberwolves to their first playoff appearance, I thought they were the coolest thing that had ever happened to the world. This SLAM cover definitely hung on my wall. Of course, my honeymoon with KG would end after he would go on to prove that this was one of the dumbest sentences I've ever written: "He has had some severe criticism but never had an attitude." Whoops. Based on the nonsensical aspects of the second half of this piece, I'm guessing it was an assignment that involved using vocab words.

Artifact #4: A song lyric-referencing pledge of allegiance to my youthful Bulls fandom, and a tough pill to swallow today (circa 1992-1993, age 7-8)

Okay, guys. So I wasn't always a Knicks fan. In fact, during the height of my MJ-induced, Bulls-loving years as a frontrunning child, they were the enemy. There is shame here, but honesty. I wish I could say I've been a complete lifer, but I can't. Growing up during the early '90s made it tough to look past the red and black. Consider this my repentance. What can I say? People change, minds open, hearts find their proper paths. But, yes, I did use hip-hop lingo and reference Aretha Franklin and U2 (with misspellings) as a small child.

Artifact #5: A book report on a Penny Hardaway biography (April 1997, age 11)

You'll recall lots of love for Penny Hardaway from my last Basketball Basement Tape. I hope you didn't for a second think you had seen it all! This is a pretty straightforward book report of a biography by Bill Gutman, the same prolific author of the David Robinson bio I mentioned last time around. Even though I got an A+ on this, the dummy teacher didn't think "the reader" could recognize how good his high school stats were without some sort of comparative analogy. The dummy teacher got back on track on page two, though, where he recognized that this was a "great sentence": "[The fans in Orlando] would soon find out the 'Magic' that Penny possessed." See what I did there?

Artifact #6: A drawing of Bunny Penny's long-lost cousin, Tupac Shabunny (circa 1996-1997, age 11-12)

This isn't basketball-related, but it's obviously part of the continuing Bunny Period I began with Volume One's Bunny Penny. It's also obviously the most gangster shit you've ever seen in your life, so stop worrying about whether it's basketball-related and just enjoy it, geez!

Who'd You Get?!: Muggsy Bogues, Topps (1994)

We at No Regard used to collect basketball cards. Convincing a parent to shuttle us and our friends to the local collector's shop was a consistently important victory. When we found out KMart was selling entire boxes for $20, we almost wore out our bike tires pedaling back and forth.

Now we've unearthed the cache, and the results are stunning. We've been reminded that players named Dino Radja and Wesley Person briefly and forcefully carved out steady roles for themselves in the league. We've been straight tickled by the goofy casual pics. And we've been touched and inspired by the relentless optimism of the copywriters. We hope you enjoy this odd time capsule, a Utopian angle from which to view the league, where everyone is the next somebody and context is pointless.

 Back of the card after the jump.

Who'd You Get?!: Alonzo Mourning, Fleer Ultra (1992)

We at No Regard used to collect basketball cards. Convincing a parent to shuttle us and our friends to the local collector's shop was a consistently important victory. When we found out KMart was selling entire boxes for $20, we almost wore out our bike tires pedaling back and forth.

Now we've unearthed the cache, and the results are stunning. We've been reminded that players named Dino Radja and Wesley Person briefly and forcefully carved out steady roles for themselves in the league. We've been straight tickled by the goofy casual pics. And we've been touched and inspired by the relentless optimism of the copywriters. We hope you enjoy this odd time capsule, a Utopian angle from which to view the league, where everyone is the next somebody and context is pointless.

This is a Special Edition of Who'd You Get?! I found this card tonight on the sidewalk in Manhattan on 7th Ave. between 50th and 49th Streets. Does it belong to you? If so, please contact No Regard. We will return it and then try to hang out with you because you're walking around New York with an Alonzo Fleer Ultra rookie card in your pocket. (Do you have holes in your pockets?)

Back of the card after the jump.