Event Horizon: Bulls

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years. This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities. Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

Immediate Impact: A race begins to give Chicago’s United Center a shit-eating new nickname. ‘The Slaughterhouse’ narrowly beats out ‘Q-nighted Center’ and overnight Chicago is once again the envy and nightmare of the league. Teaming up with Derrick Rose, Carlos Boozer, and Joakim Noah, LeBron takes the Vader mantle from Jordan and we see his heart begin to blacken.


1 Year Impact: A full season of pundits and fans alike insisting Bron will never be His Airness, has grown a fairly large chip in his shoulder. He’s less carefree during shoot-arounds and harder on his teammates during huddles. Wade, Bosh and the Heat are seen as the underdogs in the Eastern Conference Finals. Wade beats the Bulls on a Game 7 dagger and shrugs to his buddy after doing it.

5 Year Impact: Eventually three championships, though at the cost of Bron and Wade ever getting along again. Neither will play on the 2012 Olympic Squad, which turns out to be the Kid Delicious show anyway. The Bulls build themselves into a dynasty for the ages, but as the seasons pass, LeBron loses the fun-loving, free-wheeling luster that made his persona what it is. He starts to look more and more like Kobe. He learns that winning brings fans and haters alike. Adding hardware to his hands knuckle by knuckle, he watches the contempt rise. Fuck ‘em he thinks. Seven trophies or bust.