TGIF basketball fans! It's the end of the week, so that means NBA Happy Hour! Grab a beer, follow the rules and start the weekend with a Don Nelson-level buzz.
It goes without saying that we enter this weekend peering into a dark fog. Unable to see if ahead lies a looming Everest, or an infinite abyss, it seems dubious to crack a beer and rewatch The Decision. We don't know if we'll be going back to that for a few years, let alone toasting it this afternoon. After all, what would we do? Drink every time the words "Miami" or "Heat" are mentioned? Anytime Vitamin Water gets screentime? Whenever Bron mentions his mother? Anytime a question that isn't "Where are you going?" is asked before the question "Where are you going?" is finally asked?
Alright, we admit, that sounds like a pretty good time. But, our wounds are too raw, our compassion for Cleveland too deep, and our supply of beer to limited to take on such a game today.
Instead, we found ourselves watching something else this afternoon, courtesy of Bill Simmons and his very special twitter feed:
Brief, likely unnecessary context: At the WCW's Bash at the Beach, Hulk Hogan intervened in a tag-team wrestling match to become "The Third Man," and bring about wrestling's New World Order. The parallels are deafening, but acknowledging last night as a spectacle as contrived as Smackdown makes it a bit more drinkable.
DRINK ANYTIME:
-Any Wrestler High-Fives anyone else.
-Basic primary colors confuse a commentator.
-A maniac talks aggressively about a guy named "Billionaire Ted."
-A fat guy who looks like your uncle gets the bejesus kicked out of him.
-Hogan dumps on "charities," as though he expects services in return from them.
-Hulk's nameless minnions (Outsiders?) get bored and experiment with a different sneer, gesture, or pelvic thrust, just to spice things up.
-The guy in a speedo forgets he's not a stripper.
-You wonder if Hulk might actually reach his vocal threshold and throw himself into a coughing fit.
-Somehow a tirade goes on so long we actually hear someone exclaim, "Meat from a truck in Minneapolis."
-It dons on you that Hulk's method of slaughtering his fan base was a hell of a lot more humane than LeBron's.
If only the Hulkster had a decent mid-range jumper.
Brilliant.
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