Event Horizon: Clippers

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years. This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities. Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

Immediate Impact: A horrible, career-threatening injury. There is no way this scenario would go well, which is why it has been laughable that the Clippers were ever mentioned in the first place.

The initial arguments were intriguing. In theory, and in health, the Clippers have talent that could surround a small forward. Unfortunately the Clippers have failed to keep their starting five healthy for more than a week over the past three seasons. There is a dark, dark cloud hanging over the other half of the Staples Center, and it could be parked there for decades.

5-10 Year Impact: It doesn’t matter. If LeBron were to ever sign with the Clippers, he’d be in for a two-season long morning after. Having maybe made it to the second round of the playoffs once, he would later claim he was drunk when he made the decision, or perhaps he’d say Chris Paul dared him to do it. Anyone with an ounce of compassion in their heart wants to see the Clippers do well. But a team mired in decades of fecund choices, ten feet down the shitter, has to pull themselves up the old fashioned way. Smart draft picks, a new owner, and a competent medical staff are the only shot the Clippers have of ever cleaning themselves up. No King will save them.