Event Horizon: Cavs

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years. This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities. Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

Immediate Impact: The so-called respectable choice for a player who clearly values his roots and his fans. If our hometown hero does indeed indulge the good people of Cleveland and returns to ticker-tape fanfare, we fear he may find himself at training camp in a few weeks, wondering whether he is in good company.

Once again, Conference Semi-Finals, at least- obvious caveats being the knees of Big Z, Shaq and Antawn Jamison (a collective fifty-two years of NBA wear-and-tear), Delonte West behaving like Delonte West, and the rest of the Cavalier roster minus Mo Williams. On the bright side, Byron Scott has been named successor to the blight formerly known as Mike Brown. Scott is a bald headed bullet of an offensive mind that will bring new efficiency to the scoring system formerly known as “Just Give Lebron the Ball.” However, assuming no drastic changes in the Cavalier line-up, the King will need to dig even deeper in 2010 to carry the same group of misfits on his back - a tall order which begs the question, how much hungrier can one man get?

Five Year Impact: On July 9, 2010, Jay-Z and Mikhail Prokhorov will purchase the Cavs, ending all speculation and restoring harmony to nature.