Event Horizon: Nets

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world's time to tell us where he's going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years. This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it's hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possiblilities. Check back as Bron's 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions...

Immediate Impact: Bron throws up the Roc. Newark mayor Cory Booker gleefully screams, "This is Newark, New Jersey!" then delivers an impromptu speech to his staffers that rivals Obama in his heyday. Prokhorov keeps smiling. Devin Harris keeps playing Call of Duty 3 on his PS3. As for the actual season?

Since they're the Nets, they'll somehow still be viewed as underdogs, even with the player that most resembles a superhero planted firmly on their roster. As we all witnessed (wink) back on 2007 when James dragged Boobie Gibson and Damon Jones to the NBA Finals, the King looks mighty regal when draped in low expectations. With Avery Johnson restoring Devin Harris' long lost defensive grit, Bropez making his first all-star team and newly acquired David Lee looking the part of an over-skilled role player, the Nets loss in a well-played Eastern Conference Finals oozes hope and optimism.

5 Year Impact: Entrenched in Brooklyn, two rings, two movies, countless hip-hop lyrics name-checking the league's eight-time MVP... you know what? This is depressing and feeble. LeBron isn't going to be a Net and much more importantly, he's eroding the league with his ego.

10 Year Impact: LeBron becomes the first player-owner? Who cares. Sorry if this pessimistic, but our league's biggest celebrity gave up on his team a few months ago, stopped playing basketball sooner than admissible and now gets his own ESPN special?

Here's my real prediction for the next 10 years, straight from the heart: Kevin Durant grabs the league by the fucking throat and leaves at least four bruises the size of championship rings when he finally lets go.