Team Dreamin' 2011: HEAT

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

The meeting of the minds down in South Beach spelled very bad news for Erik Spoelstra. Entering his third season as head coach and personal seat warmer for Pat Riley, Spoelstra has the misfortunate distinction of being 39 years old and still looking like a cub scout. To the man standing before the basketball world like a kid at a spelling bee, we offer some advice:

Erik, grow a mustache.

Seriously, it may be your only shot. Everyone is switching up their look for the new team. Bosh changed his number and got a haircut. LeBron took off his crown. Wade even stopped wearing those band-aids on his face. A mustache, Erik? It's the least you could do.

You can grow one, right?

Check this out: we took the liberty of showing you what a conversation with your superstar Dwyane Wade looks like now, and then what it would look like after you grew a mustache.  Can't you see the respect?  The reverence?  Wade is trembling in the presence of the ‘Stache. Hanging on every word that flows out from beneath that furry lip.

Mustaches are a head coaching tradition.  Phil, Stan and D'Antoni all rock them and they've coached some of the most exciting teams over the past decade.  If you were to grow one it would have it’s own name: The Spoelstache.  Are you kidding?  They’d make t-shirts, websites, hell you’d probably get your own fan club. 

Now look, we understand that you really want to please your boss, and Riley does not seem like the kind of guy who would abide recreational facial hair.  Just remember, back in the day, he was the poster boy for our argument.

*All photoshopped mustaches courtesy of Tom Selleck.