Event Horizon: Mavs

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years.  This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities.  Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

First of all, this is definitely what's happening, so stop shaking your head and get whatever smug "are they serious with this" smirk might have appeared on your face gone.

Immediate Impact: Cuban, Carlisle and Co. finally have a legitimate 2 guy, but it's one nobody expected. Dirk Nowitzki. I mean how seriously, pants-wettingly terrifying is the idea of that jump-shooting caveman being the SECOND best scorer on a team?

1 Year Impact: Dallas dumps Damp's insulting antique of a contract (to the fervent cheers of my heartstrings), goes after an athletic rebounder for the five who can run the floor (and is not eligible for social security), and becomes a football-play-transitioning, cut-and-slashing, kick-out-to-three-shooting, spread-the-floor-as-well-as-your-butt-cheeks offensive monster with three heads: Dirk, Lebron and their collective dick (it's huge and has sick handles). This team shames the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals and is more than a little exciting to imagine playing against the newly Boshed Heat.

 

5 Year Impact: Lebron and Dirk have won no fewer than six championships (the math works) and open a chain of Minigolf / Arcade destinations all across Dallas. It will be called 'Bron and Dirk's Winners' Circle and Barbecue (there will be barbecue too) and I will have a Platinum Membership that entitles me to infinite air hockey with the two of them and Najera (he's dirty on the air rink).

10 Year Impact: Oh, no. We're talking about the Dallas Mavericks. If we're even willing to admit that there'll be a team or even a time that far away (beyond the days of Kidd, Dirk, Terry and all our aging loved ones), we're certainly sure that we'll be dead by then. Someone else can worry about it. 

Sample convo with Cuban: "We're winning a ring for sure this year, right? No? Trade someone then. How about now?"