This Post Is About A Bobcats Game I Watched In November, By Myself

The number of things that happen during one NBA season equals infinity. You won’t see most of them. (And thanks to Twitter, you don’t have to.) It’s fine that you don’t see a lot of them because a lot of them are Al Jefferson post moves and Kevin Love rebounds and Rodney Stuckey somethings. These are all worthwhile things to see, but also, if you miss them, you still know they happened. No big deal.

But then there are other events, ones that are rare and wonderful. They’re hidden deep in the forest, across the river, past the clearing, under the the hardened roots of two-hundred-year-old trees. They manifest as a shimmer that you ignore on first glance, but it leaves an itch in your mind. You need to scratch it so you look back, and there it is. It's remarkable only in how normal it looks on the surface, but at the center is a rich filling of gooey promise and important basketball. These are the psychedelic happenings that validate all the nights of predictable wins and middling performances. These games are what keep bringing us back, again and again and again (and again and again).

I watched a Charlotte Bobcats game this past November and wouldn't you know it? I am still thinking about the game right now, in January. On that lonely Saturday night, I uncovered this exact type of whirring treasure. It was a watershed moment. It involved a lot of Bismack Biombo blown rotations.

Early in the night, I was considering laying down a chunk of cash for League Pass. A Saturday night spent by myself seemed the perfect time to finally pay up and get to enjoy a full slate of games. But time and whiskey got the better of me and suddenly I was face to face with the vicious, drooling reality of a Bobcats-Mavericks game. Ok. Let's roll.

An hour later, Brendan Haywood is playing a significant role in my life and all I care about is Charlotte winning this game. The franchise had yet to beat Dallas, which just ain't right. When I watch Nets games (my team of choice), I use my hands. Put up three fingers when a long shot goes up. Pump a fist when necessary. Help the refs call a travel or possession. These are all involuntary when watching my Nets, but nonexistent when watching other teams—except for the Bobcats on this night. I love them. How much does a Kemba jersey cost? Haywire Haywood botches two chances in the paint to cut the lead to one, then gets immediate redemption by getting fouled on a lay-in. He misses, but then Kemba continues making his case for this being The Kemba Game and skies for the rebound. Someone misses and MKG gets the rebound, passes to Sessions who drives and scores and can you believe the wonder and joy and merriment the NBA affords us?

In overtime, Kemba refuses to use a Haywood screen because it would taint the majesty of Kemba’s night. Aesthetics matter to this man. He leads them—and me—to terrific victory. We did it. We all did it and everything is great.

Now I'm going to finish off blowing this game way out of proportion, but I do genuinely believe in everything I'm about to say. Does a win by a non-playoff team over another non-playoff team matter? Yes it does. As much as a playoff win or even championship? Sure, why not? In fact, I would argue that this game has to matter, or else we're all wasting our time. Great games with contending teams late in the season or in the playoffs are the minority. The bulk of the NBA season is made up of games like this, games that many people would classify as meaningless. But to make them matter, all you have to do is buy in and suspend your disbelief for a few hours. If you can do this, then every moment of the season that you do get to watch becomes worthwhile. And this is the secret to finding these rare moments of glory during the endless NBA season: Just make them matter. (I don't know what that book The Secret is, but I bet its central tenet is something like this.) That's why they play (and we watch) the games, no?

No Regard Recaps: All Is Love

One Game We Watched Last Night: Minnesota Timberwolves vs. Oklahoma City Thunder

Wolves: 99, Thunder: 93

The Timberwolves have become a team from the '80s that your dad would tell you about. The kind of story you'd listen to with disbelief and jealousy that you missed out on this crew by 15 years of existence.

"You would have loved watching Rubio."

"Yeah I bet," you would respond, irritated at having to hear this for the tenth time because yeah, obviously you would have loved watching Rubio.

"The passing was there like everyone says it was, but he was also a long, tough defender and this odd type of floor general. He had so much experience in his pocket, but was still so young—or at least always seemed young. He was goofy, but that silliness was only relevant because he was so skilled. And oh god the passes."

"Wow." You kind of hate this exercise in "you should have been there" NBA chat, but you also can't help but want to hear more.

"And this team just had a bunch of kind of mystical dudes. Love was as fun to watch rebound as anyone and his shot had such a low arc that you never thought it would go in but did. Peković was essentially a really well rolled D&D character. Brandon Roy was doing this really weird post-retirement comeback tour. You've never heard if JJ Barea, but he had energy and could heat up and somehow played a big role in a lot of important basketball games in his career. In fact, this whole team seemed to play up for big games. They were always worth the ticket price when they came to town. You had to head to the arena and check them out."

"That's cool," you say as you walk away, trying to play it all down. But you're bummed you never got a chance to see this team. They seemed great.

But lucky for us, we are watching them right now. And if we have kids who care at all about the NBA, they're going to have to sit through our drivel about Rubio and the gang. Oh well.

One Game We Didn't Watch Last Night: Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks

Heat: 110, Mavs: 95

How much better is LeBron than anyone else in the NBA right now? Assume Durant is number two, which is the correct assumption. LeBron is what, five times as good as him? Then just think how much better he is than a lower tier all-star like Danny Granger. LeBron is probably 15 times as good as Danny Granger, right? Am I way off here? Any scientists want to weigh in here?

No Regard Presidential Previews: Golden State Warriors (Harry S. Truman)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Being too good is apt to be uninteresting." - Harry S. Truman

There have been two great upsets in the past 100 years: incumbent Harry S. Truman defeating Thomas Dewey and the "We Believe" Golden State Warriors defeating the top-seeded Dallas Mavericks in the 2007 playoffs.

Truman's 36 percent approval rating at the time was much higher than the chances anyone was giving the Warriors. But both fighters reached for and fully committed to their progressive morals to pull out their inspirational wins. Truman risked alienating many of his more socially conservative supporters by advocating sweeping civics rights reform; coach Don Nelson bit his thumb at traditional positions and ran out whatever five guys his Scotch-soaked mind grapes deemed worthy. Both wins were historic in their underdog status. "Dirk Defeats Baron" and all that.

But following this truly reformative victory, the Warriors have thus far squandered their second term. Baron's gone, Mayor Stephen Jackson is back where he's needed, Ellis was exiled, Nelson fled to Hawaii. The restocking fee? Untested coach Mark Jackson, unfruitful David Lee, unshaven Andrew Bogut and un-ankled Steph Curry. Look, I'm skipping around a bit here, folding time to help the narrative. But really, nothing's been happening at the Oracle since 2007.

This year, though, there is optimism. The roster is good and practical. Steph and Bogut should be a forceful offensive inside-out combo and Bogut is probably the second best defensive center. (But they should both also get the words "Barring Injury" tattooed on their chests.) Second-year guard Klay Thompson is primed to have a modest breakout and score 18 points a game. Harrison Barnes probably has some dope business cards all printed up. Jarrett Jack will soak up all those juicy Steph Curry missed games with his whole grain back-up point guard baguette. And then there are also other NBA players on the team, but who has an endless amount of time to type all of their names? No one, that's who.

Harry Truman's daughter Margaret was a singer. After a particularly scathing review of one show, he penned a letter to the critic:

Mr. Hume: 

I've just read your lousy review of Margaret's concert. I've come to the conclusion that you are an "eight ulcer man on four ulcer pay."

It seems to me that you are a frustrated old man who wishes he could have been successful. When you write such poppy-cock as was in the back section of the paper you work for it shows conclusively that you're off the beam and at least four of your ulcers are at work. 

Some day I hope to meet you. When that happens you'll need a new nose, a lot of beefsteak for black eyes, and perhaps a supporter below! 

Pegler, a gutter snipe, is a gentleman alongside you. I hope you'll accept that statement as a worse insult than a reflection on your ancestry. 

H.S.T.

You know Mark Jackson would do the same for his guys.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers:

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Electabuzz

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Curry, Bogut Sidelined Again"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Andris Biedrins Goes 10-10 From The Line"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "You just went right ahead and claimed the state's nickname for your own use? Strong move."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Dallas Mavericks (Andrew Jackson)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“No one need think that the world can be ruled without blood. The civil sword shall and must be red and bloody.” - Andrew Jackson

No matter how you look at it, Old Hickory always had something new going on. A Tennessee Supreme Court Judge, hero of the War of 1812 and former one-year U.S. Senator, Jackson went on to drive the Seminole Indians out of Florida mostly with warning shots and upon finding that the British and Spanish were secretly assisting the Seminoles, captured and killed the Europeans leading the aide attempts. This led to Spain ceding Florida to the United States.

You would think that'd be quite enough for one lifetime, but the dueling, swashbuckling Jackson was just getting started. After serving another two years in the Senate (25 years after his initial term), Andrew Jackson was elected President in 1928 and invited the general public to the Inaugural Ball inside the White House, which became overrun with people. Jacksonian Democracy was geared toward greater democracy for "the common man." Andrew Jackson was anything but common.

Mark Cuban and Dirk Nowitzki's Dallas Mavericks have transformed themselves from the Nash/Michael Finley/Dirk running and gunning Big 3 that could never get to the finals to the Avery Johnson-led Devin Harris/Josh Howard/Erick Dampier finalists to Rick Carlisle's Kidd/Matrix/Chandler/Dirk Champions to the Dirk/Matrix/cap fodder enigma they are today. The Mavericks have made the playoffs every years since 2001 and have faced the Suns and Spurs seven times in those 12 years. Historians vary on the number of duels Andrew Jackson won in his lifetime (between 13 and 100, even the former of which is 13 times too many for a sane person to decide to have a loaded gun pointed at him), but the Mavericks have certainly had their fair share of showdowns against rivals and other challengers. They may not always win, but the Mavericks have been there, done that when it comes to win or go home showdowns, and they've done it with all forms of lineups and styles of play.

Though Steve Nash and Tyson Chandler didn't exactly take a Trail of Tears out of Dallas (each were paid very handsomely by their new teams), it seems rather common that former Mavericks players leave the organization with bitter feelings. Mark Cuban is certainly not afraid to rub anyone the wrong way (once telling Kenyon Martin's mom that her son is a thug) and is no stranger to discipline from the league office. That said, Cuban has changed what it means to be a sports owner, becoming a very controversial public figure and actively participating in running the team. While remembered as someone who changed the presidency for the better, Jackson had his own questionable moments, allowing the Spoils System to take root, initiating the Indian Removal Act (it was exactly what it sounds like) and raising tariffs, which caused the Nullification Crisis. Both men, however, did everything in their power to make their union stronger by any means necessary.

The current Mavericks are not as exciting as they used to be. Gone are Jason Terry, Tyson Chandler, Jason Kidd, Brandan Haywood, heck, even DeShawn Stevenson and the championship team of 2011. The point guard situation is pretty mediocre (Darren Collison and Roddy Beaubois), there are way too many wings (including the ghost of Vince Carter) and Elton Brand seems to have surfaced in Dallas to back up Dirk. He, OJ Mayo and Chris Kaman were the big additions to the Mavs roster this year after the Mavs whiffed on signing Deron Williams and Dwight Howard. This roster has the 6th or 7th seed and a first round exit written all over it. At least they've got Delonte West around to provide some general tomfoolery. All good rides come to an end, and it appears the Mavs, like Old Hickory, are just moving on to their next incarnation.

This is usually where I draw one final parallel to the president to whom I am comparing the team. Instead, I am using this space to tell you to root for 27-year old rookie center Bernard James. Bernard served three tours over six years in the United States Air Force in Iraq, Kuwait and Qatar before being drafted in the second round this summer. The next time you see former Maverick and current fat disgrace Lamar Odom wasting away on the Clippers bench essentially stealing his $8 million salary, think of Bernard James and be thankful he survived the rocket attack that struck his camp in Iraq. The NBA is better with him in it.

Bernard James, thank you for being a great American.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Ponyta

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Cuban Fined for Criticizing Officials"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Delonte West Does Thing"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Welcome to Heaven, ya sure gave 'em hell! I'm here all week, folks."

No Regard Recap: We Did It!

One Game We Watched Last Night: Boston Celtics vs. Orlando Magic

Celtics: 87, Magic: 56

In previewing this game, I practically dropped to my hands and knees and begged the Boston Celtics to create a video tribute honoring Big Baby's time as a Celtic. My favorite team's video department came through! The video was short, but it is the best video of all time.



The game itself was strange. The Cs were without established film actor Ray Allen and established commercial actor Rajon Rondo. Seemingly undermanned, the Celtics entrusted their point and shooting guard duties to Avery Bradley and Sasha Pavlovic respectively. They did not disappoint. Neither did Brandon "Big-Mouth Billy" Bass or Paul Pierce, who each dropped 19 in the victory. Pierce was as fit as he has been all season, playing the role of both facilitator and scorer.

Orlando's offensive was, simply stated, completely inept and only scored a scant 56 points. In his return, Big Baby shot 2-9 from the field, but was able to nab a respectable 11 rebounds. As a team, the Magic shot 26% from the field and could only manage 20 second half points. It was an ugly affair.

The story of the night, though, was of course the video tribute. It significantly over-shadowed the game. It was much celebrated by Glen Davis, the Magic (despite an abysmal performance), the Celtics and the entire NBA community.

One Game We Did Not Watch Last Night: Dallas Mavericks vs. Phoenix Suns

Mavs: 93, Suns: 87

#FREESTEVENASH!

Spo Finally Bets the House!!

The Dallas Mavericks may have just won the NBA championship, but the real story of game six comes out of a decision made by pre-pubescent Miami Heat coach, Erik Spo, who finally decided to throw all his chips into the center of the table and bet the House.

NBA Middle Names: Tyson Chandler

We at No Regard spend a lot of time in our NBA knitting circles trying to figure out the human side of these players. Whether it's musing about their commutes to work, how much "Call of Duty" they play, or what their favorite snack food is, we like to remind ourselves that NBA players are nothing more than young men with enviable jobs. What better way to humanize our heroes than look up their middle names?

Tyson Cleotis Chandler

In Cold Blood With A Toothpick

For a league in which the current trend seems to be all about budding young superstars, the Dallas Mavericks proved that age and cunning can still beat youth and vigor. Carried on the shoulders of one of the most remarkable individual shooting performances in conference finals history, the Mavs bested OKC 4-1, in a series that was more closely contested than its final scoreline.

It's obvious to point to Nowitzki's lights-out shooting as the main catalyst for success in Dallas this year, but Cuban's army received contributions from many different parties.

There was the ridiculously smart point-guard play from veteran Jason Kidd who, lost in all of this, has his third chance now to finally obtain the NBA's most precious jewelry. The inside presence of Tyson Chandler, whose passion for rebounding and defense compliment Dirk's offensive mastery to perfection. Jet Terry did what he's always done, hit shots and then spread his arms out like that of an airplane. Shawn Marion's resurgence, J.J. Barea's slicing penetration... the list goes on.

Up next for Big D is most likely the Miami Heat, who will provide an immense challenge. I'm tickled thinking about some of these matchups: Bron on Dirk, DeShawn on Bron, that crazy $5 bill tattoo on DeShawn, the ballsy Larry O'Brien trophy tattoo on Jet, Jet on Super Nintendo Chalmers, Super Nintendo Chalmers on J.J. Barea, J.J. Barea on Mike Bibby, Mike Bibby on Jason Kidd in the 2011 NBA Finals!

It should be a hell of a series, if for no other reason than we'll be seeing (barring history by the Chicago Bulls) the two best teams in the playoffs led by the two best players in the playoffs. While Dallas might feel somewhat satisfied knowing that many of the "experts" didn't even pick them to beat Portland in the first round, they know that right now second place will not satisfy the public. We need them to be more than an also-ran.

Shock the world, Dallas Mavericks.

No Regard Daily Previews: Throwing Down Ain't Nothing But A Thang

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Dallas Mavericks vs. Golden State Warriors

In typical Dirk-era Dallas fashion, the Mavericks have been piping hot so far this regular season, most recently rattling off nine victories in a row. In typical Curry-era Golden State fashion, the Warriors haven't played any defense so far this regular season, allowing 106.9 points per contest, which ranks them 28th in the league.

Cuban's boys are defending the shit out of the ball, allowing only 92.2 points per game. Shocking, I know, for a team whose nucleus is made up of 67-year-old Jason Kidd and Dirk Nowitzki who, in the past, played as if he'd rather take a swift kick to the nuts than actually try and check opposing bigmen in the post. This whole, allegiance-to-defending gig is a massive step for a team that has championship aspirations. Dirk could easily find himself bodied up against a particularly dexterous Spaniard come May, so everything he's doing now to learn how to defend down low is pivotal.

As for Golden State, don't tell Monta Ellis and Steph Curry that their team doesn't worry about defending.

No Regard Weekend Preview: Get Drunk With Mike Bibby

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you may remember a feature we started this offseason, NBA Happy Hour. In this Friday feature we presented a drinking game, giving readers the opportunity to get drunk while, let's say, watching the FIBA championship game, by giving them certain things to look for and celebrate. We are now carrying this idea over to our weekend previews, in which we will tell you one game we'll be watching over the next three days, and ways one could creatively reach Blackout City while enjoying the NBA action. So without further ado: Grab a beer, follow the rules, and start the weekend with a Don Nelson-level buzz!

One Game We Will Definitely Drink During This Weekend: Dallas Mavericks vs. Atlanta Hawks

What We Should've Said

I have to fix something here. I woke up early today to write about basketball, but Cool Runnings was on TBS and I got pretty carried away. I was late for work, minorly hungover, and well, just wasn't paying attention when our recap went up. We'll call this our first No Regard: Errors and Omissions. While I have no intention of turning this blog into a Mavs fan club every time I write, last night was just... well, special.

No Regard Recaps: 11-8-2010

One Game We (Sort of) Watched Last Night: Phoenix Suns vs. Memphis Grizzlies

Suns: 99 Grizzlies: 109

So this little construct we've developed to cover the league every night was designed with practicality riding shotgun. With day jobs and significant others, we knew we couldn't cover each game every night with the vigor and attention to detail we demand from ourselves. But we agreed that between the six or so of us who regularly write, we could commit to one game a night to watch cover to cover and report back to you fine people. The "Game We Probably Won't Watch Tonight" conceit was built with honesty in mind; we crave the league as much as anyone, but there are some games that just don't speak to us. Plus, we all have Netflix, and those episodes of "Firefly" aren't going to watch themselves.

No Regard Daily Previews: 11-8-10

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Phoenix Suns vs. Memphis Grizzlies

Rudy Gay and Mike Conley should travel the country this off-season, delivering speeches at teachers conventions and high school auditoriums to explain the secret to exceeding expectations after gaining job security. Because these two gentlemen just got tenured (Gay by signing a $82 million, five-year contract this summer, and Conley with his five-year, $40 million contract signed just last week), and are both playing far above their once-cemented ceilings.

At least according to the numbers they are. I haven't seen them play yet, and box scores have lied to me before, so I want to make sure I'm not getting bamboozled here. The chances that Gay's stats through seven games are deceiving are slim, as 27.1 points per game on 52.8 percent shooting is tough to fake. Conversely, Conley's numbers—15.6 points, 8.3 assists, and 3.3 steals per game—have a decent chance of being unmasked like a "Scooby Doo" villain. We've all seen lesser point guards fudge similar numbers for chunks of the season before, only to turn out to be nothing more than a solid fantasy option that you waive after about a month. But I won't name names here, because I wouldn't want to offend Ramon Sessions, Larry Hughes, Brevin Knight, or anyone else. So I'll watch this game tonight, and hopefully Gay and Conley won't have already stopped preparing lesson plans by tip-off.

Plus, they're playing Los Suns, who I'll gladly watch every night as long as Steve Nash is the conductor.

One Game We Probably Won't Watch Tonight: Boston Celtics vs. Dallas Mavericks

When I say "we" here, I clearly am only speaking for myself, as some of the other souls who write for this Website will probably check out this game. But two well-managed stalwarts battling in early November isn't something that's going elicit any emotion from me, because (unlike the game above) it will neither surprise nor teach—two characteristics necessary for me to tune in from tip off this early in the season.

Or maybe it's more accurate to say that this game will teach me things that I don't care about, even though I probably should if I'm to become the well rounded baketball fan I strive to be. It's similar to my daily struggle of where to consume news online. I know I should probably visit BBC.co.uk or NPR.org to receive an austere dose of reality, but I'd rather just go to CNN.com and read about the professor who lost 27 pounds on a Twinkie diet or people in Japan who are really into Monopoly. Likewise, I prefer the opportunity of seeing Hasheem Thabeet foul out in four minutes to the sight of the Mavericks employing an six-pronged attack of 15-point scorers on their way to a grind-it-out victory.

I'll take quirk over severity any day. Well at least until the playoffs are in sight.

No Regard Weekend Recap: Halloween Edition

"Yes. I'll be watching the Mavs." -EndlessPat Oct. 29, 2010

October 31st, 2010. Mavs-Clippers. 3:00 left in the 4th Quarter.

No Regard Weekend Preview: Halloween Edition

Game We Will Definitely Watch This Weekend: LA Clippers vs. Dallas Mavericks

Blake Griffin wants YOU to care about the Clip Show.

Yes. Surprise. I'll be watching the Mavs, so just fucking deal. It may surprise you, however, to know that the largest contributing factor here is not a Maverick: it's Blake Griffin. Seriously, I've only seen highlights so far and I want to see what this kid can do to Caron Butler, who is no slouch as a defender. I am also amped to see what the guard corps of Dallas do to prove their worth while a mending Roddy B. continues gathering hype from the sideline. Jet Terry and JJ Barea will have things to prove and if JT's stat line from the season opener is any indication, prove they will. I would be remiss to not mention Boom Dizzle and his gut (which apparently he plays just as well with), and Eric Gordon (who I think even shocked himself this summer). The Clip show could be just that for once: a show... that's like, fun to watch and stuff. Here's hoping.

One Game We Probably Won't Watch: Miami vs. New Jersey

Be afraid. Be more than that - be grossed out.

I know the Nets have a lot of new weapons, and I'm not making a whole lot of friends on the staff here by saying this, but I can't help thinking of witnessing this match-up as comparable to watching the movie Hostel: There will be some flashy shots of hot girls on the beach (Miami's Menage of Evil), a splashy topless scene or two (read: 'oops over Blopez), but within three quarters of an hour the whole thing will have devolved into confusingly creative and unmotivated violence. You think to yourself, "Why am I even watching this? This is like a snuff film. With a worse soundtrack." Well, I won't be thinking that, because I won't be watching.

There are several asterisks to be inserted here: What about all of NJ's new scoring options? What about Brook's post game and the clear lack of D down low in Miami? What about Coach Avery's defensive focus and the potential of his relationship with Devin Harris to restore him to...well, NBA player status? What about Johnson's crazy-ass-Louisiana-everything-is-one-big-word-you-barely-understand-but-it-sure-is-motivating time-out voice? All good questions, the answers to which could make the game interesting. And I'm prepared to write an eat my words post come this time on Monday if the Netsies get frisky (after all, they did shed Yi, and the importance there can't be overstated). Risk I'm willing to take.

Same Day Freight

Yesterday afternoon the Dallas Mavericks made history by dumping what is known unequivocally as the worst contract in team history. Center and lamppost Erick Dampier, whose 7-year contract has 1 year remaining at a staggering 13.1 million dollars, will be successfully delivered to the Charlotte Bobcats in return for actual basketball players. Tyson Chandler and Alexis Ajinca will arrive in exchange for Eduardo Najera, Matt Carol and the Big Man from Mississippi.

(Pictured: Dampier not blocking)

Shortly after the deal was signed, I spoke with my brother in Dallas.  I could barely hear him over the screams of elation as people ran wild in the streets of Big D and did their damndest to show up Madrid and Barcelona in the contest for most destructive celebration riot.  Our conversation went roughly as follows:

Event Horizon: Mavs

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years.  This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities.  Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

First of all, this is definitely what's happening, so stop shaking your head and get whatever smug "are they serious with this" smirk might have appeared on your face gone.

Immediate Impact: Cuban, Carlisle and Co. finally have a legitimate 2 guy, but it's one nobody expected. Dirk Nowitzki. I mean how seriously, pants-wettingly terrifying is the idea of that jump-shooting caveman being the SECOND best scorer on a team?