No Regard Presidential Previews: Milwaukee Bucks (James Monroe)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“It is only when the people become ignorant and corrupt, when they degenerate into a populace, that they are incapable of exercising their sovereignty.” - James Monroe


James Monroe was a Founding Father of the United States. A great patriot, he was elected in a landslide in 1816 after serving as a U.S. Senator, Governor of Virginia and Ambassador to France. His diplomacy skills would be needed domestically during his time in office, as the sectional dispute over Missouri's admittance to the union threatened to rip the country apart. A great compromise was reached, allowing the delicate balance of the nation to continue for a few more decades before the South seceded. 

The Milwaukee Bucks, by all accounts, have been a below average franchise over the past decade or so. Since the departures of Ray Allen and George Karl in 2003, the Bucks have mired in mediocrity. As Monroe's most important moments arguably came before his Presidency in keeping European interests out of the new nation and participating in the founding of the United States, the Bucks' greatest moments came decades ago, when a squad led by legends Oscar Robertson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (then Lew Alcindor) swept the Baltimore Bullets for the title in the Bucks' third year of existence. The past several seasons in Milwaukee have been more reflective of Monroe's post-presidential years, which were marred by personal financial problems and the sale of his plantation, but his name remains among the most influential of his time.

As previously mentioned, the fifth President of the United States had the momentous task of reconciling the admission of Missouri as a slave state to the union without losing control of the senate by adding two more slave-state members. To hedge against this, Monroe admitted Maine (then a satellite region of Massachusetts) as a free state, thus maintaining the balance of power in the country. The new-look Bucks face a balancing act of their own, with shoot-first backcourt mates Monta Ellis and No Regard Favorite Brandon Jennings lending new meaning to "not enough basketballs." Ellis was acquired in exchange for former #1 overall pick Andrew Bogut, his disfigured arms and all-time headcase Stephen Jackson, who has a large tattoo of a handgun on his chest and a brand new track out with Kevin Durant. Coach Scott Skiles will have to find enough touches for Ellis and Jennings while keeping them happy, or it's another season where nobody Fears the Deer. 

The Monroe Doctrine announced America's intent to stay neutral in European affairs, intending to let the new country develop on its own rather than asserting influence on the rest of the world. Ellis, Jennings, Ekpe Udoh and rookie John Henson will need to grow together quickly to assert themselves into the affairs of the rest of the Eastern Conference and become relevant again. This team has the look of a squad that will hover just below .500, but get a random 12-point win in Boston or Miami and temporarily scare the croup out of the rest of the conference. Can the young Bucks (too easy) grow together and contend for the 8th seed in the East, becoming the Team You Don't Want to Face? Will Ellis and Jennings be able to share the ball and remain effective? Why is Beno Udrih making $7 million for this team?

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Doduo



Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Dalembert Provides Quiet Leadership"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Alien vs. Marquis Daniels Flops at Box Office"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Oh yeah you guys took the Hawks to seven games a couple years ago. I forgot about you guys!"

No Regard Presidential Previews: Golden State Warriors (Harry S. Truman)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Being too good is apt to be uninteresting." - Harry S. Truman

There have been two great upsets in the past 100 years: incumbent Harry S. Truman defeating Thomas Dewey and the "We Believe" Golden State Warriors defeating the top-seeded Dallas Mavericks in the 2007 playoffs.

Truman's 36 percent approval rating at the time was much higher than the chances anyone was giving the Warriors. But both fighters reached for and fully committed to their progressive morals to pull out their inspirational wins. Truman risked alienating many of his more socially conservative supporters by advocating sweeping civics rights reform; coach Don Nelson bit his thumb at traditional positions and ran out whatever five guys his Scotch-soaked mind grapes deemed worthy. Both wins were historic in their underdog status. "Dirk Defeats Baron" and all that.

But following this truly reformative victory, the Warriors have thus far squandered their second term. Baron's gone, Mayor Stephen Jackson is back where he's needed, Ellis was exiled, Nelson fled to Hawaii. The restocking fee? Untested coach Mark Jackson, unfruitful David Lee, unshaven Andrew Bogut and un-ankled Steph Curry. Look, I'm skipping around a bit here, folding time to help the narrative. But really, nothing's been happening at the Oracle since 2007.

This year, though, there is optimism. The roster is good and practical. Steph and Bogut should be a forceful offensive inside-out combo and Bogut is probably the second best defensive center. (But they should both also get the words "Barring Injury" tattooed on their chests.) Second-year guard Klay Thompson is primed to have a modest breakout and score 18 points a game. Harrison Barnes probably has some dope business cards all printed up. Jarrett Jack will soak up all those juicy Steph Curry missed games with his whole grain back-up point guard baguette. And then there are also other NBA players on the team, but who has an endless amount of time to type all of their names? No one, that's who.

Harry Truman's daughter Margaret was a singer. After a particularly scathing review of one show, he penned a letter to the critic:

Mr. Hume: 

I've just read your lousy review of Margaret's concert. I've come to the conclusion that you are an "eight ulcer man on four ulcer pay."

It seems to me that you are a frustrated old man who wishes he could have been successful. When you write such poppy-cock as was in the back section of the paper you work for it shows conclusively that you're off the beam and at least four of your ulcers are at work. 

Some day I hope to meet you. When that happens you'll need a new nose, a lot of beefsteak for black eyes, and perhaps a supporter below! 

Pegler, a gutter snipe, is a gentleman alongside you. I hope you'll accept that statement as a worse insult than a reflection on your ancestry. 

H.S.T.

You know Mark Jackson would do the same for his guys.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers:

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Electabuzz

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Curry, Bogut Sidelined Again"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Andris Biedrins Goes 10-10 From The Line"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "You just went right ahead and claimed the state's nickname for your own use? Strong move."

No Regard Preview: Work To Be Done

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Indiana Pacers vs. New Jersey Nets

You know how going to work is the worst? How even if you have a pretty alright job, going to work in the morning is the worst? So does Deron Williams. He has to go to work every day and pass the ball to Johan Petro, who is bad at catching basketballs.

So you know what? Johan Petro also probably hates going to work because he's very under-qualified for the job he's been hired to do, and his work day is televised.

In fact, right now all the Nets look like they hate going to work. I don't blame them, it's been awful for us fans as well. But tonight we're all going back. I hope there's at least a birthday today so I get a cupcake.


One Game We Probably Won't Watch Tonight: Milwaukee Bucks vs. Denver Nuggets

I would love to watch this game. Love to. But I'm just trying to be honest here. A holiday week was an odd time for the season to start. Family commitments, friend commitments and drinking commitments have prevented me from watching many games other than my Netsies. So as much as I'd love to check in on the Brandon Jennings-Stephen Jackson Tower of Terror (and seriously, I can't wait to see what this looks like), I just don't have enough eyeballs.

Tonight I need to check in on Greg Monroe and Jonas Jerebko as they try and not let Dwight grab every rebound ever made. I need to watch Mike D'Antoni drool over the most Mike D'Antoni player ever in Andrea Bargnani. I need to be reminded that Ricky Rubio is real. I need to see if the Mavs are ready to prove how important the second win of a season can be. I need to learn what Enes Kanter looks like. I need to find out what new vaccine LeBron and Wade have invented for tonight. Heck, I even feel compelled to see what new way the Washington Wizards have found to waste talent.

There's just too much I haven't seen yet in this young season to spend any time peeping Nene and Bogut bump into each other. And that's after I watch the Nets lose another one.

Top 5 Player Tweets of the Week - In Pictures!

From Skillanueva's half-time tweets to Gil's fateful outburst, we're keeping tabs on this whole Twitter thing.  Each week we wade through the rants, shout outs and sheer insanity to bring you the best micro-blogging the NBA has to offer.

5. "Yo this dude is swimming wit gerat white shatrks on the discovery channel"

- Jonny Flynn

4. "Going to the best place for Kobe beef tonight for dinner. The best!"

- Andrew Bogut