Yesterday afternoon the Dallas Mavericks made history by dumping what is known unequivocally as the worst contract in team history. Center and lamppost Erick Dampier, whose 7-year contract has 1 year remaining at a staggering 13.1 million dollars, will be successfully delivered to the Charlotte Bobcats in return for actual basketball players. Tyson Chandler and Alexis Ajinca will arrive in exchange for Eduardo Najera, Matt Carol and the Big Man from Mississippi.
(Pictured: Dampier not blocking)
Shortly after the deal was signed, I spoke with my brother in Dallas. I could barely hear him over the screams of elation as people ran wild in the streets of Big D and did their damndest to show up Madrid and Barcelona in the contest for most destructive celebration riot. Our conversation went roughly as follows:
Me: After last week did you ever think the Mavs would actually upstage Miami for best move of the offseason?
Big Bro: What? I can't hear you! I just hugged a stranger.
Me: We just dumped the most shameful contract in the world. This must be what it feels like to be a used car salesman.
Big Bro: Hey! I want you to meet Angus.
Me: Hi Angus.
Angus: My wife just had a baby! It's a girl! WE'RE NAMING HER TYSON!!
Big Bro: It's a real moment here.
Me: I'm sure. What are people saying there about Chandler's mediocre level of play, as compared to that of the Big-Waste-of-Space?
Big Bro: Well, the thing is, Tyson Chandler may not play well, per se, but he plays basketball. Professionally. What the ol' Inexplicable-Blackhole-Of-Money did was less like basketball and much more like repeatedly kicking fans in the nuts with apathy.
Me: I know it too well. Is anybody say to see the Big Fella go?
(EXPLOSIONS IN THE BACKGROUND)
Me: You alright?
Big Bro: Oh shit! I gotta go, the fireworks are almost over!
Me: Sorry to keep you.
Big Bro: No, no, they've been going all night. 13.1 million of them. One for every dollar Charlotte will be paying Damp next year to do that thing where he loafs up and down the court looking lost and hungry! 13 Mil wasn't enough!
(Pictured: Dampier not rebounding)
Me: Really seems like it should be. Don't you think Charlotte will just waive his non-guaranteed contract?
Big Bro: God knows. I can't assume anything with that front office anymore. I mean, did you hear that they traded Tyson Chandler and Alexis Ajinca for Eduardo Najera, Matt Carroll and Erick Dampier? Erick Fucking Dampier!
Me: I saw, yeah.
Big Bro: Really gotta run. We're in the middle of doing shots for every double-double he'll get next year.
Me: So, not too drunk are you?
I'm only on sentence three, but the weirdest part of this is when you call Alexis Ajinca an "actual basketball player." I'm not sure why you did that.
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