At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.
Ok, give me some eyes San Antonio, I'm going to lay some truth on you. Nobody likes you. I know, I know Tim Duncan is sweet as pudding and he's never hurt a fly and Tony Parker must be hilarious (I mean, he'd have to be right?), but still, we don't like you. We don't hate you. In fact, we nothing the shit out of you. You're boring. You're as boring as a conversation about Phish live. You're as boring as a marathon of student films. You're as boring as sex with a hipster. You defend well, you do all of the things commentators say you should do, you have a delightfully angry/yelly coach, your team does things in the post-season that it doesn't know how to spell in season games...oh, and also you're boring.
I mean Christ on toast, your star player's nickname is The Big Fundamental. Are you serious? This is the NBA. Here are a few acceptable nick names: Agent Zero, The Black Mamba, The Glide, The Doctor. Acceptable nick names for the Springfield Rotarian Society's Badmitten and Bake-Off Retreat? You guessed it.
But don't fret, all is not lost. I have three suggestions to shape up this franchise.
Let it be noted that none of these tips are aimed at helping San Antonio win rings, clearly they know how to do that already. The idea here is how to get anyone outside the Alamo City to give a shit.
1) Get another Bruce Bowen. That man was one of the most unpredictable forces in basketball and easily the most exciting facet of Spurs franchise history. He defended physically and psychologically, annoying the tits off of prolific scorers and failing containment, hurt them. Badly. I'm not entirely convinced he wasn't very deftly stabbing players who got hot in playoff runs. I don't care where you find him and I don't even care if he's even good at basketball. You have lots of good players, so for now just settle for one who occasionally jump kicks people in the face.
Extra Credit: Note how many of the related videos feature BB hurting someone.
2) For God's sake, please as a team buy Eva Longoria Parker permanant courtside seats and have a camera dedicated to her reactions at every telecast. If we have to endure a hundred-and-sixty-year-old Jack Nicholson screaming at refs through Ray Bans then the least you can offer us is her smile when her husband hits a floater. It's only polite.
3) And I fucking mean this one. Are you listening San Antonio? Enter Tim Duncan in the dunk contest. Do it. His knees are going anyway and the most interesting plays he's ever made have been turnaround semi-hooks and a jarring clutch three-pointer. Allow the man to put a little shine on his rings with some gnarly jams at the wind-down of his prime. I, for one, don't know that I could bring myself to root for anyone else if 4-time NBA Champ and gentle brontosaur Tim Dunkin were to throw down some nasty at 10 feet. Just think of the jersey sales alone.
Tim Dunkin's debut. Fish is down.
amazing
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