No Regard Previews: Brain Burner

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Miami Heat vs. Boston Celtics

After one disappointing and three amazing games, the Miami Heat host the Boston Celtics tonight in what has the potential to be a historic battle. An historic, even, if that's how you choose to speak. Then again, as my partner-in-crime, Andrew Abides, noted last night during a conversation we had over the Internet, it could potentially fall flat.

“I have no idea what to expect out of this series anymore,” he typed. Mr. Abides’ astute observation is well-noted. So far, this series has given us just about everything. And with a guaranteed two, potentially three more games, just about anything could happen.

Udonis Arrest: Heated Reactions

Haslem was arrested Sunday
for Marijuana possession.

Udonis Haslem was pulled over for speeding on Sunday afternoon and was later arrested for possession of marijuana. A search of his car yielded less than 20 grams. We can only speculate as to why the Miami Heat Forward would feel the need to drive under the influence. Perhaps he saw what Russell Westbrook was up to this weekend and decided he too had a serious snack attack. Haslem will be drug-tested and faces a maximum 5 year prison sentence.  


The Heat made quite a fuss about re-signing Haslem this summer to play alongside their newly minted triumvirate of LeBron, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade. Time will tell how this may or may not affect the Slumber Party Boys, but with not even a day gone by, everyone affiliated with the Miami Heat organization is speaking out on the issue. We've sorted through the numerous press conferences to bring you some of the thoughts of Udonis's colleagues and coworkers.

Erik Spoelstra
Head Coach

"I've never tried pot before. We watched a video on it in health class that said if we smoke dope we'll be homeless."

Pat Riley

Team President

"I knew I should never have hired my neighbor's kid to coach this team. This was totally his fault. I'm getting thirsty."

Event Horizon: Heat

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years. This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities. Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

Immediate Impact: Upon hearing the King’s decision Pat Riley seeks out current Heat coach, Erik “insert random 8^th grade boy’s last name here,” and does something terrible to him. Possibly removes his soul to ensure that he’s no longer capable of coaching. Riley names himself head coach. Bosh tweets. Jermaine O’Neal starts practicing his, “did you see when I cold-cocked that Detroit fan” story for LeBron. A few No Regard staffers and every hot dog vendor in NYC contemplate suicide.