1) I love Dallas. I love Dirk Nowitzki and his off-balance rainbow fadeaway. I love Mark Cuban being a 12-year-old dodgeball captain of an owner with an infinite allowance. I love Jet Terry, even when he punches people in the crotch (if not especially then).
2) Like everyone else at No Regard (and anyone with pulse and a television set), I love LeBron. He is the King of Wow and watching him play is the most consistently exciting thing in sports today.
But that's not the point here. While I'm far from unique in my wishing for the King to reign in my home team's realm, the point is this: I'm right.
That's right, you heard it hear first. I'm saying it publicly and bluntly: LeBron James will wear a Mavericks jersey next season. Why not? Let's set aside the near impossible sign-and-trade scenario necessary to bring this about and have some fun in Conjecture Town.
First, we'll take a trip down HowSeriouslyAwesomeWouldTheyBe Lane. Yes, Dirk spreads the floor like no other big man in the NBA today, maybe ever. Yes, This leaves LeBron with an unclogged post to beat people off the dribble and either throw down his signature perpendiular-arm-scoop-dunk or outlet to one of the most consistent shooters in the league. Yes, they’re both capable of disrupting half court defenses in almost entirely non-intersecting ways. But that’s not the trump. Did you know that Dirk plays the saxophone in his free time? As evidenced by the recording studio in his home, Bron is an avid and fierce music lover. No other team in the NBA can boast a better compliment to both King James' basketball prowess and possible love of woodwind instruments. Rumor has it Danilo Gallinari doesn’t even know what a spit valve is.
Now let's hang a left onto LebronCreatesHisOwnLegacy Avenue. Chicago = cloaked in MJ's shadow. New York has eras of greatness and accompanying mythologies. Dallas (like Cleveland) has never won a championship and offers a chance for him to be the marquee player for a franchise, not just at present, but for their history as a team. The way Jordan is for the Bulls and the way Kobe can never really be to a franchise that had Magic, Kareem, Shaq and Wilt. As an enormous Dirk fan, I can honestly say that if the King brought a ring to Dallas, no one would argue who was Pippen in the equation.
Seriously, how adorable are they? Imagine if they got to do this every day in practice.
We'll make a quick shortcut across DealSweeteners Drive to note that Dallas is the seventh most valuable franchise in the league (right up there with the other "likely" destinations for LBJ) and that's without the sensation of the chalk-throwing wonder. He could make a buck or two here. The AAC has no shortage of paying and energetic fans. Also, for those of you unfamiliar with Dallas and its character as a city compared to NYC, let me just say this: Blah blah blah, New York nightlife, Bron at the 40/40 club, blah blah, did you know the Dallas Galleria Mall has an ice-skating rink? IN THE MALL. I think I've made my point.
We'll wrap up our roving tour at MarkCubansFunTimeCastle Cul de Sac where I'll remind you this: No one in the league, nay the world, pitches like Mark Cuban. The man could sell soccer cleats in bulk to a paraplegic ward. This man paid a hundred grand just to make it clear to LeBron that Dallas wanted a shot at him. That's right, six figures to say, "Hey, best player in a generation? We'd like for you to play here." We never would've guessed, Mark. There's damn near no saying "no" to this man, he talks to fast and he's way too excited. The man wants what he wants and he'll work tirelessly to get it. Just ask Washington and the Nets.
Okay, truth time: I'm aware that the chances of LeBron going to Dallas are about the same as Big Baby Davis winning a keep-your-tongue-in-your-
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