Let's Make a Mockery

This is a different kind of mock draft. First, we have basically ignored all of the big rumors from the last couple days. We think it would be boring to move Ekpe Udoh up just because apparently reliable sources say he's definitely going to the Warriors. We think that would be a dumb pick, and so we're leaving him down where we've had him for a week. For example. Also, we've tried to tap into the spirits of these guys, giving some insight into how some of them will react to hearing their name called and how others will get on with their new teammates and coaches. Characters, you know? It's going to be a fun night, and we hope this mock draft will get you even more excited.

1. Washington Wizards- John Wall, PG, Kentucky
Wall is an interesting case. Derrick Rose's performance over the past two years has served as a reminder that drafting a point guard (especially one who plays like Rose) with the #1 can pay off. But Wall will be going into a broken system in Washington, and his talent might be the kind that can't survive on a planet without water. The best-case scenario here, though, is insanely good. Wall could be easily be an All-Star this year, and an MVP within five.

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "Do I need to get rid of my guns?"

Team Bestie: Gil. I could honestly see these two having a great time together.

Secret Nickname for Coach: Lil' Flip

2. Philadelphia 76ers- Evan Turner, SG, Ohio State
This one won't be a surprise. It is tempting to say that Turner will end up being another Durant--a No. 2 pick that goes on to torment the team that passed him up. While there's no reason to think that Wall will be as tragic a case as Oden, something about Turner's maturity makes him seem more poised to make a big difference in the long-term.

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "Glad I don't have to act surprised, because leaving my comfort zone scares me."

Team Bestie: Andre Iguodala. They will watch Pixar movies together and maybe even drink a couple beers if they're feeling crazy. But mostly just Pixar movies.

Secret Nickname for Coach: Doug Funny

3. New Jersey Nets- Derrick Favors, PF, Georgia Tech
Even though word is the Nets are leaning toward Wes Johnson, the Georgia Tech big man is the only way to go here. He has the chance to be an insanely dominant forward. Could end up making the earth sick.

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "I wonder if those Prokhorov prostitute party claims are true."

Team Bestie: Yi. Bonding over noodles.

Secret Nickname for Coach: Squeaks

4. Minnesota Timberwolves- Wesley Johnson, SF, Syracuse
Johnson's body type is similar to that of Kerry Kittles, and his years at Syracuse sort of resembled Kittles' Villanova days. Unfortunately, I'm not sure Johnson will ever have any more impact than Kittles did. Not a bad choice, but not gonna make any team a title contender in the foreseeable future.

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "Can't be colder than Syracuse, right?"

Team Bestie: Kevin Love. Kevin Love is very funny, and Wesley Johnson likes to laugh until he has to pee:












5. Sacramento Kings- DeMarcus Cousins, PF/C, Kentucky
Cousins could fall anywhere in this draft from third to an episode of "Criss Angel Mindfreak," that's just the kind of upside vs. mental collapse toolkit he's working with. The Nets may take a chance at number three, but they'd rather not goad the poltergeist of Derrick Coleman into traveling to Newark with them; they want him to stay in the swamps. But Cousins is too talented to fall further than five, so (maybe) sorry Kings.

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "I wonder if those Prokhorov prostitute party claims are true."

Secret Nickname For Coach: Old guy I need to remember who's not named "Mr. Maloof"



6. Golden State Warriors- Al-Farouq Aminu, SF/PF, Wake Forest
Golden State has a backcourt that could be disgusting for years to come in Monta Ellis and Stephen Curry, and Aminu is one of the draft's top forwards that would be able to keep up with them in a fast-break situation.

Initial Thought: "Thank God I'm going to a liberal city where my name won't raise suspicions."

Secret Nickname for Coach: Don Vito (you, see, because he's fat)

7. Detroit Pistons- Greg Monroe, PF/C, Georgetown
As the big man with the shiniest passing skills in the draft, Monroe will marry perfectly with Detroit's, uh... Oh yeah, the Pistons are a mismatched and overpaid group of third options that had a forgettably poor 2009-2010 season. Sorry to be so negative during draft week, but it's the truth.

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "What should I ask my agent to Google first: 'detroit pistons coach,' 'detroit pistons bench' or 'smoking baby video?'"

Secret Nickname For Coach:


8. Los Angeles Clippers- Paul George, SF, Fresno State
Although I normally don't trust people with two first names, George Paul (or whatever) has a pretty nasty combination of athleticism and shooting skills. Needs to work on turnovers and defense, but since when have the Clips been worried about those things?

9. Utah Jazz- Ed Davis, PF, North Carolina
With Boozer potentially headed East, Ed Davis would be a very wise move for the Jazz. His post-up game would complement Millsap nicely and the two could create a fantastic down-low duo for the years to come.

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "Now I'm definitely going to add 'Big Love' to my Best Buy online wish list. When do we sign contracts?"

10. Indiana Pacers- Patrick Patterson, PF, Kentucky



Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "Don't do it again. Don't do it again..."

Team Bestie: Roy Hibbert, possibly (probably) a fellow booger eater

11. New Orleans Hornets- Xavier Henry, SG/SF, Kansas
Homeboy got the green room invite, and with good reason. He’s got a nice Ray Allenesque ability to get open when his teammates drive, and he hits those shots pretty frequently. I think he’s built to be a solid wingman for a whole lotta years.

Initial Thought: “Why do they insist on pronouncing my name ‘Zov-ee-a On-ree’?”

12. Memphis Grizzlies- James Anderson, SG/SF, Oklahoma State
Another example of this year’s depth lies in the fact that some mocks don’t have Anderson going until into the 20s. Absurd. Like Henry, dude finds ways to get the ball at the right time and do good things with it.

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "More like Memphis Bleak (waa-waa)."

13. Toronto Raptors- Hassan Whiteside, PF/C, Marshall
A big man with a jump shot and an insane wingspan (7-7) and crazy shot-blocking ability shouldn’t make it much past this spot, but he also plays young and could get eaten alive by guys like Dwight Howard.

14. Houston Rockets- Ekpe Udoh, PF/C, Baylor
Another shot-blocking machine who can run with the best of him, but like Whiteside, he will need to hit the weight room and work on his passing and posting up. People say he'll go way earlier, but I think that'd be a mistake.

Team Bestie: Yao Ming. Bonding over noodles.

15. Milwaukee Bucks-Luke Babbitt, SF, Nevada
Some people thing Babbitt deserves to go top 10. Those people are wrong. Babbitt has a pretty diverse offense, but quite simply, he is nothing special. He might get some good looks if he’s lucky enough to play with Brandon Jennings.

Inital Thought Upon Hearing Name: "That's where they make all the beer, right? Cool!"

16. Minnesota Timberwolves- Larry Sanders, PF, VCU
While they do have three picks in the first round again, the Timberwolves are going to need all the help available to recreate the comedy magic of their 2009 point guard frenzy of a draft. So they'll go with the man (hopefully) named after the television show with perhaps the most comedy geek cred of all time

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "You didn't just say 'tough titty' did you?"



Secret Nickname For Coach: Arthur

17. Chicago Bulls- Gordon Hayward, SF, Butler
Perhaps one of the most widely-seen prospects, based on his prominent role with America’s favorite mostly-white team that gave everyone an excuse to talk about how superior college ball is. But I have to say, he is a tough kid who would fit in well with Chicago’s get-it-done style, although there’s a good chance he gets snatched up earlier.

Team Bestie: Kirk Hinrich's wife will insist they have Gordon over for dinner. He will tell her several times how good her cooking is.

[UPDATE: Looks like Hayward won't have the pleasure of eating Mrs. Hinrich's cooking!]

18. Oklahoma City Thunder (from Miami Heat)- Daniel Orton, C, Kentucky
Orton's got a big ol' body, too big, some might say. I see him being a nice fit in OKC, where Durant and Co. could use some additional muscle.

19. Boston Celtics- Devin Ebanks, SF, West Virginia
The Raptors apparently like Ebanks, but if the Celtics keep their pick, I wouldn't be surprised to see them snatch up Ebanks, who is used to playing at the pace of a senior citizen at WVU.

20. San Antonio Spurs-Cole Aldrich, C, Kansas
A big, boring guy from Kansas. Should fit in nicely with a big, boring team from Texas.

Secret Nickname for Coach: Pockmarks Mcgee

21. Oklahoma City Thunder- Avery Bradley, SG, Texas
Avery Bradley likes to play defense, and the Thunder have shown an increased interest in doing that themselves. He's a very hard worker who could be a solid bench player this year.

Team Bestie: James Harden, who will eventually cave and let Bradley touch his beard.

22. Portland Trailblazers- Eric Bledsoe, PG/SG, Kentucky
Bledsoe is a bit rough around the edges, but he has potential to be a solid PG/SG option, and he had to declare because he went to Kentucky.

23. Minnesota Timberwolves- Craig Brackins, PF, Iowa State
The notion that the T’wolves would draft another power forward is borderline preposterous. That they would stretch to pull this guy from the near certainty of the second round is simply insane. However, when he comes off the bench in whichever city he lands, he is sure to make people very happy. Can you give a sportcaster a more perfect catchphrase alley-oop than “Release the Brackin!”

Initial thought upon hearing name: “Surely you can’t be serious.”

Team Bestie: Darko Milicic.

Secret Nickname for Coach: Diet Phil

24. Atlanta Hawks- Lance Stephenson, SG, Cincinnati
I would absolutely love to see Stephenson make a splash in The League. Unfortunately, his freshman year at Cincy was a bit of a flop, and he seems he hasn't gotten the experience needed to compete on a professional level. That said, I would be so happy if I'm wrong about this, as would anyone who has watched Gunnin' for that #1 Spot.

Initial Thought Upon Hearing Name: "So I don't have to go to school anymore, right? Awesome."

25. Memphis Grizzlies- Solomon Alabi, C, Florida State
I don't know much about Alabi, because come on, Florida State, but if we're to believe nbadraft.net, he'll play like every other African player.

Initial Thought upon Hearing Name: “I love that Tony-award winning musical!”

26. Oklahoma City Thunder- Elliot Williams, SG, Duke
The Thunder already drafted the best beard in the NBA when they took James Harden, why wouldn’t they go for the best moustache? He looks like a legit baller, although his hype videos seem to more hype their producer than they do him. Seriously, check it out. It’s really douchey:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQNv_7IiqXk

Initial Thought upon Hearing Name: “This is gonna be fun.”

Team Bestie: Serge Ibaka

Secret Nickname for Coach: Thundercat

27. New Jersey Nets- Jordan Crawford, SG/SF, Xavier
The Nets could get here a solid, albeit inefficient, scorer. He will need to polish his shooting form and get better at finding his teammates, not to mention stepping it up on defense. Could learn from some of the experts the Nets hope to land.

(And, here, Crawford get his own category):

Best Tweet: "Even tho babies cryin is loud!! That shii is funny as hell lmao... It's like they be goin thru the craziest pain"

28. Memphis Grizzlies- Damion James, SF, Texas
Looks like a good fit for a team which is almost sure to lose Rudy Gay. That’s not to say that he looks like a replacement to Rudy Gay, but a guy who will certainly scrap for the minutes freed up for his departure.

Initial Thought upon Hearing Name: “I heard they got a musical named after this town.”

Secret Nickname for Coach: Scotty-Doo

29. Orlando Magic- Armon Johnson, PG/SG, Nevada
Could be a very solid NBA point guard--good intelligence, ball handling skills, and court vision. Could be a good piece on a Magic team where the health of the point guard position is always a cause for worry.

30. Washington Wizards- Tiny Gallon, PF, Oklahoma
SPOILER ALERT: Tiny Gallon is really really big. Well, sort of. He’s 6’8 which is HUGE, but in the League, it doesn’t really mean anything. He ways almost 300 lbs though, so he may go with the somewhat rare bowling ball strategy in the post.

Initial Thought upon Hearing Name: “Whooo! First Round!!”

Team Bestie: Javaris Crittendon

Secret Nickname for Coach: Flopsey