2013 Draft Lottery Running Diary (with Pictures!)

Oh NBA draft lottery, we’ve come so far since David Stern brazenly grabbed the envelope with the folded corner and handed Patrick Ewing to the Knicks. The whole process has grown so much that the selection process happens off-screen now, so we can be TOTALLY sure a team doesn’t get a #1 pick because Dan Gilbert was owed one or Tom Benson just took the Hornets off the league’s hands. Things like that would NEVER happen at the draft lottery!

We here at No Regard find lots of value in the more trivial NBA happenings, and since televised corporate meetings where you kinda feel like something’s off are kinda my thing, I DVR’d the draft lottery just to watch Arrested Development on Netflix and catch the #1 pick later or maybe just look on Twitter write a running diary. There are white guys AND more white guys! I hope you like pictures of someone else's TV. 

 Here we go:

 :00 – looks like I missed the opening sequence, if there was one. Here’s Chad Ford sitting at a table next to some other guy talking about Nerlens Noel. A graphic of the draft rules comes on the screen and the rosters of the league’s crappiest teams scroll across the bottom.

 The camera turns to Heather Cox standing in a room full of fresh NBA gear. “Nice!” you probably just thought to yourself. “That stuff must be worth a fortune!” Well, you’re wrong. Just look at this crap.

 I’d pay like 8 bucks for the contents of that room.

 :01 - Cox tells us she’s in the Good Morning America studios where the lottery itself actually happened. Apparently somewhere there is a locked room full of team executives and exactly four media members plus “members of the accounting firm Ernst & Young” (because they DEFINITELY didn’t rig it this year). They don’t have phones or internet in there, just David Stern telling them exactly what will happen to their families if they go anywhere near Twitter in the next half-hour. Then Cox shows us the ball picking device and some charts with numbers.

In case you care, the Magic have the best chance of winning because the Dwight Howard trade turned out so well for them.

 :03 Ford starts telling us about a bunch of guys we didn’t bother watching in college this year and says maybe Ben McLemore can be the #1 pick (I'm disregarding this, it's Nerlens' night). Heather Cox re-appears and talks to Anthony Bennett from UNLV, who has his arm in a sling. Along with Nerlens Noel’s torn ACL, this may be the gimpiest draft in a while.

:05 – I still haven’t figured out who the co-host talking to Chad Ford is. Ford is talking about guys who might get picked 5-10.  They won’t be heard from until the vastly underrated Rising Stars Challenge where they’ll take turns picking on Brandon Knight.

:08 – We’re suddenly transported to the Simmons/Jalen Rose/Magic Johnson/Mike Wilbon Patronizing Everyone pregame show. Simmons runs through his Karma Power Rankings. [5. Philly 4. Orlando 3. Wizards 2. Kings (no) 1. Pistons.] That was even more pointless than this blog post. Simmons predicts a Kings lottery win, which is the consensus suspicion among NBA conspiracy theorists.

:11 – The guy who runs NBA security just escorted some accountant to the podium with the draft results. They are the only two people in the room who already know the results.

This is so white. We’re almost halfway through and have already gotten two commercial breaks, a cut-away to the Spurs-Griz pregame show, a room full of worthless gear and several people taking their jobs way too seriously. We haven’t met any team representatives yet and don’t know about any of the picks.

:14 - Time for a vignette of possible lottery picks! Ten years ago I watched this very show to find out where LeBron, Darko, Wade, Melo and Bosh might go. Today, I barely know who the guys in this video are.

:15 – Meet the team reps!

Jazz: old white guy

Mavericks: middle-aged white guy

Raptors: middle-aged white guy

Sixers: middle-aged white guy

Blazers: Damian Lillard!

Timberwolves: Kevin Love! He brought a Ricky Rubio bobblehead, doesn’t say a word, is so far beyond this crap.

Wizards: Bradley Beal!

Pistons: Andre Drummond!

Kings: Keith Smart (DeMarcus hasn’t fired him yet!)

Pelicans: Monty Williams lies to us about how excited he was to have Austin Rivers on his team. Also everyone is officially calling them the Pelicans now. I want them to win this so we can have Nerlens in Nawlins.

Suns: old white guy

Cavs: Dan Gilbert’s kid in a bow tie and holy crap his voice has dropped. Also he’s FURIOUS to be at the lottery again.

Bobcats: a man named Fred Whitfield who is shockingly NOT white. If I told you to speak to a Charlotte businessman named Fred Whitfield and released you into this room, you’d take at least 7 guesses before picking this guy.

Magic: old white guy

That’s four players, two coaches, seven non-Kevin Love white guys of varying ages and one Fred Whitfield.

Side note: Dan Gilbert is currently 2/3 of the way to actually becoming Willy Wonka. 

:18 – It’s Adam Silver time! I guess Stern has some reporter’s blood all over his suit and didn’t bring a change of clothes. Picks 9-14 go in the order they were slotted to go, with the Raptors losing their pick to the Thunder, which is somehow related to the James Harden trade.  

:20 – The Pistons get the 8^th pick, which means the Wizards get to squander a top 3 pick this year! They show Bradley Beal, who has not yet processed this information.

:21 – The Bobcats get the 4^th pick despite having the 2^nd best odds to win the lottery. Whitfield looks pissed.

That leaves the Wiz, Cavs and Magic. The camera cuts to Nerlens Noel, who must be begging for the Wizards to win this right now, the Magic are no fun and Cleveland is in Cleveland.

:24 Chad Ford promises there will be actual basketball on after this. Bradley Beal, Dan Gilbert’s kid and this guy are waiting to see the #1 pick.

He looks fun.

The Wiz get the #3 pick. Beal does not care at all.

:25 – Magic get the #2 pick and Dan Gilbert’s kid finally acts like a kid with a solid fist-pump. Cox interviews Dan Gilbert, who promptly makes a joke about keeping his kid confined to his room for six weeks for not winning the draft lottery last year (he's probably not joking). There is a palpable sense that the Magic guy wants to punch both Gilberts in the face and that all the players were ready to go to 1OAK with JR Smith an hour ago.

:27 – The guy who isn’t Chad Ford interviews Nerlens, who mumbles through the whole thing. He’s not looking forward to Cleveland.

:28 – Turns out Chad Ford was Jay Bilas the whole time. I still haven’t figured out the co-host’s name. Every single team rep has already bounced.

:29 – Since nobody is left in the room, they give us this fantastic picture of what the creepiest rich people in Cleveland look like. Note the guys sitting on either side of Dan Gilbert. 

There's a 100% chance they have a basement full of Oompa Loompa's.

  

That’s enough of this. Don't worry, Nerlens. That really dumb sound you hear is everyone in Cleveland assuming this will get LeBron to come back. Also, Kyrie looks really fun to play with, so there's that.

No Regard Presidential Previews: Washington Wizards (William Howard Taft)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“I do not know much about politics, but I am trying to do the best I can with this administration until the time shall come for me to turn it over to somebody else.” - William H. Taft


William Howard Taft did not care about politics. He didn't know the system, didn't appoint the right people to the right positions within his party and didn't care about any of it. More than anything, Big Bill wanted to be a Supreme Court justice. Taft lucked into the presidency by gaining 159 more electoral votes than opponent William Jennings Bryan, but got only 51 percent of the popular vote. Four years later, in 1912, Taft won only eight electoral votes and suffered the worst defeat of an incumbent president in American history. In 1921 he got his wish of being named Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, so there's that.

The Washington Wizards do not make sense. The "glory years" of early playoff exits are long over. The Verizon Center has not been a fun place to be since $111 million dollar man Gilbert deemed it necessary to pack heat and the Gil-Tuff Juice-Antawn Jamison core was split up. Our nation's capital has featured a heavy dose of Andray Blatche getting booed, Nick Young and Jordan Crawford shooting within three seconds of touching the ball, questionable trades and an incredibly slow maturation process for John Wall.

Taft, by all accounts our fattest and most epically mustached President, wanted badly to lower tariffs despite Congress' unwillingness to go along with it. His own party was also against it, thus alienating all sides. Willing to trade seemingly anyone for anything, the Wizards turned a ton of guaranteed cap space in Rashard Lewis into the bloated deals of Emeka Okafor and Trevor Ariza. Okafor was brought in for veteran leadership while Ariza appears to be completely disinterested and has changed teams seven times in nine years. GM Ernie Grunfeld defended the move by saying free agents do not want to sign with the Wizards, so he had to do something. If you want to alienate both the players and fans, saying nobody would want to play with or for them is a pretty good start. If that's your thought process, you should not be an NBA general manager. (Also, what's he talking about? DC ain't half bad! It's at absolute worst the 11th best NBA city to live in.)

Our 27th President had his moments—helping to economically support Latin American countries using "Dollar Diplomacy," resisted unnecessary involvement in the Mexican Revolution and generally urged world peace. The Wizards, though not ready to actually compete for a playoff spot, have rid themselves of immature headcases Andray Blatche, Nick Young and JaVale McGee and replaced them with Okafor and Nene, two respected professionals. This is actually kind of a grown-up team now, and having responsible veterans around will help in the development of John Wall (once he gets healthy) and youngsters Bradley Beal and Jan Vesely.

Purchasing tickets to see this team appeals to me about as much as a trip to the William Howard Taft National Historic Site in Cincinnati, but they won't be the laughingstock Taft was that one time he got stuck in the bathtub and told his aides to use butter to get him out. If Taft can lose 80 pounds after being President and achieve his dream of being Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, the Wizards may one day get back into playoff contention (hopefully re-branded back to the Bullets).

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Koffing

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Ernie Grunfeld Still Not Yet Fired"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Jannero Pargo, Earl Barron Still in NBA"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Sorry JaVale and Nick weren't allowed to play with you anymore. I know you guys had fun at your laser tag birthday parties."

No Regard Previews: Blood, Sweat, and John Wall

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Phoenix Suns vs. San Antonio Spurs

With two games left on their schedule, the Spurs can still nab the best record in the NBA. No small feat for a team that many of us seem to forget exists on an almost daily basis. Then we remember that they still sport lifetime Spur Timmy Duncan, who continues to do what he does: back-board an orange ball into a hoop and occasionally get asked to fight with NBA official during a game. We remember that despite his injuries this season, Manu is still a crazy-athletic Argentinian dude who can Euro-step to the moon if he so pleases. We remember that while Tony Parker may or may not be sleeping with a teammate's wife, he's having quite possibly his best season yet and almost certainly is an MVP candidate. And finally, we remember that behind it all is a mastermind, Coach Pop, who not only has been able to quietly keep together one of the most consistently successful teams of all time, but also one day did this. He'll forever remain a favorite in our hearts as a result. 

As for Phoenix, after being eliminated from playoff contention last night, we face what might very well be the last Suns vs. Spurs game featuring Steve Nash in an orange Suns tank top. While the contest is ultimately meaningless for the Suns, perhaps recalling the blood gushing out of their captain's nose as a result of Tony Parker's big dome will provide motivation. If this is indeed the last time we are witness to this rivalry, let's hope that we get an effort that reminds us how hard these teams played against each other over the years.

One Game We Definitely Won't Watch Tonight: Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Washington Wizards

If you think that for one second the only reason we are previewing this game is so that I could have an excuse to put up a picture of John Wall in a Red Bulls shirt, then you are way off. That is crazy talk. 

We are just really intrigued to see if the Wizards can continue the impressive form they have been in as of late...

Bibby's World: Traded

Don't know how we locked this down, but we'd like to introduce you to No Regard's newest blogging sensation... Mike Bibby! He'll be checking in whenever he can, just to remind us: It's Bibby's World, we just live in it!

So last night I'm running my typical 9PM Wednesday routine (playing Ms. PacMan and drinking red wine), when I see something ridiculous on the ESPN ticker: "Mike Bibby traded to Wizards." Now obviously I think it's a joke, because the last time my ESPN ticker said anything about me, it was, 'Mike Bibby traded to Lakers for a stack of Magic Cards', which just turned out to be a prank that Coach Mike was pulling on me. After checking on Twitter, it appeared that the trade was legit. "I'm going to the Wizards," I yell to my wife. "Mike," she says, "there's wine all over your lips." Sure enough, there was.

The White House

Instead of talking about what it means to be on that team, because we all know that's the boring stuff, I'm going to list some of the things that I'm looking forward to doing in our nation's capital:

No Regard Daily Preview: Beasts of Land and Air

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Memphis Grizzlies vs. Atlanta Hawks


In a lot of ways, this is the exact kind of game we had in mind when we decided to do a feature spotlighting one matchup each night. Some games feature two high profile teams with major star power (see tonight’s alternate game of Orlando vs. Chicago), and these games are often amazing to watch. Other games feature two down-in-the-dumps squads who are playing merely for pride, and these games often produce a sort of human drama that we enjoy greatly. But this kind of game—the kind that features two teams that are competitive but not elite, two teams with exciting players who are not quite household names, two teams that are likely to be fighting for a playoff spot come April—is sort of what we live for.

No Regard Recap: 11-16-10

One Game We Watched Last Night: New York Knicks vs. Denver Nuggets


Knicks: 118 Nuggets: 120

Mike D'Antoni is confusing. And maybe a religious zealot. I get it that he's got a style of play he believes in, but the way he refuses to bend to any suggestion of defense or more patient offensive sets is mind-boggling. It borders on religious mania, a blind worship of the three-pointer.

Surely, two people who won't be attending mass anytime soon are Knicks announcers Walt Frazier and Mike Breen.

No Regard Daily Recaps 11-2-10

EndlessPat toasts Cartier Martin for sending his team into overtime.

So here's the thing: I was told to review what surely would have been a fascinating Orlando-New York game at The Garden tonight.

Unfortunately that game was called on account of asbestos.

No, I'm not kidding. Madison Square Garden was deemed an unsafe workplace for its hard-laboring employees, and I was told to shift my attention to the Lakers-Grizzlies matchup, which we all knew was going to be super lame.

I don't like playing by the rules, so instead, I decided to be a bit of a wild card, a free agent if you will, and decided to watch The Battle of Who Could Care Less: a showdown between the winless Wizards and the equally winless 76ers.

It turns out I am a genius. Here's why:

No Regard Daily Recap: 10-28-10

One Game We Watched Last Night: Washington Wizards vs. Orlando Magic


I knew the Wizards' team dynamic would be a little bizarre to start the season, but this was worse than I expected. Flip Saunders needs to be concerned not only about his offense clicking on just about zero cylinders, but about how quickly it took for John Wall to become visibly frustrated by the situation. You could feel the star rookie’s pain every time he drove to the basket and saw no one else making a move. He wanted to create plays, but it seemed like no one else wanted to be a part of them, and when they did, they were settling for mid-range jumpers that rarely fell. There were a couple positives here for the Wizards: one, that Wall, while a bit shaky, showed glimpses of his ability to get to the basket against any defender; another, that JaVale McGee and Yi Jianlian actually looked like an imposing frontcourt duo several times toward the end of the second quarter. But overall, you have to wonder how long it’s going to take for this team to come together with any sort of fluidity, and how the return of Gilbert Arenas will help and/or complicate that process.

Hey, Someone's Listening!

The Wizards are getting smart and thinking about following our suggestion. See #31.

Do the right thing, Ted. Do the right thing.

Sorry about the racy picture of scantily-clad, ethnically ambiguous twins(?). It's the best I could do.

Team Dreamin' 2011: WIZARDS (Bullets)

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

Much to the dismay of many No Regard staffers, the Washington Wizards got the first overall draft pick this year and snatched up star-ready John Wall. Rewind to last December and remember a time where the future was not so bright for basketball in the District. A dark cloud hovered over local superstar Gilbert Arenas and his season-ending suspension for carrying firearms to work. With the loss of veteran sharp-shooter Mike Miller to the Heat, now more than ever, the Wizards need Gil to return to form and dominate offensively alongside the young sensation Wall. How then, can the Wiz make sure Gil feels comfortable returning to play with his teammates after such and ugly incident?

The Wizards can change their name back to the Washington Bullets.