NBA Things I'm Thankful For

Last night I attended the Celtics 12-point loss to the Spurs. I used to live in Boston and went to Cs games all the time during the 2009-10 season (cheaper cost of living = more disposable income!), and being back at the TD Garden with one of my best friends from my time living there just felt like home. As such, I got the corny idea to make a list of NBA things I'm thankful for this Thanksgiving, both about the game last night and the NBA in general. Enjoy!

No Regard Presidential Previews: Los Angeles Lakers (Ronald Reagan)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Concentrated power has always been the enemy of liberty." - Ronald Reagan

Ronald Reagan would please ask that you stay out of his way.

On March 30, 1981, Ronald Reagan became the first sitting U.S. president to survive a gunshot wound from an assassination attempt. Following the attack, just 69 days into his presidency, Reagan's approval rating shot up to 73% and then he went on to be one of the most successful, accomplished, divisive presidents over the course of his two terms. Not sure what was in that bullet, but we'd all be so lucky to get some.

Jerry Buss would please ask that you stay out of his way.

On December 8, 2011, Jerry Buss became the first acting NBA owner to survive a vetoed trade at the hands of Commissioner (and at that time, owner) David Stern. Like Reagan (and Obi-Wan) before him,  Buss made the assassination attempt look foolish. If you strike down Dr. Jerry Buss, he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Take away his all-star point guard before he even gets a chance to don the jersey? He'll go out and get a Hall of Fame point guard and supplant him with Dwight Howard. Then start talking about going after LeBron in two years. You make him share his revenue? Fine, he'll make you tax him into oblivion just to see who blinks first. He's small government to the death and will gladly enter an arms race at the mention of another team's dynasty. We should all be so lucky.

There's a lot here: A Hollywood President. Reaganomics. Phil Jackson as Reagan's early Democratic tendencies. Reagan's War on Drugs and the fact that War on Drugs (the band) are huge NBA fans. Guys, it's all there if we just believe.

And then, there's Lakers fans and Young Republicans, who are probably all the same people. I guess Republicans read blogs, too, but you all seem crazy and entitled. I'm sorry. (I'm not sorry.)

Sorry, to ignore the actual basketball team that the Lakers are trotting out this year, but they are scary and I'm still getting better at facing my problems head on. Bedtime for Bonzo? More like bedtime for the rest of the league. We're all in trouble.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Mewtwo

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Kobe and Dwight and Nash and Pau and World Peace"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Nash Takes Leave of Absence to Chase MLS Cup With Henry"[Ed. - We'll never stop this campaign.]

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "I give up."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Orlando Magic (Richard Nixon)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“Life isn't meant to be easy. It's hard to take being on the top - or on the bottom. I guess I'm something of a fatalist. You have to have a sense of history, I think, to survive some of these things... Life is one crisis after another.” - Richard Nixon

Richard Milhouse Nixon's legacy, in the minds of most, begins with the Watergate break-in and ends with a resigned Tricky Dick throwing up deuces and boarding a helicopter out of town. While that is his enduring image, our 37th President of the United States was so much more than we remember. In his time in office, Nixon ended America's involvement in the Vietnam War, opened diplomatic relations with China, signed the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty with the Soviets, established the Environmental Protection Agency, established the first minimum wage, brought the first national attention to cancer research and won the Space Race by putting a man on the Moon. But all you remember is Watergate.

The Orlando Magic have had some really, really good years. Shaq and Penny Hardaway brought them to the 1995 NBA Finals, and Lil' Penny was the best non-Jordan ad campaign of the '90s. Tracy McGrady won a scoring title for the Magic in 2003. Dwight Howard won three Defensive Player of the Year awards in a row. The Magic have been to the playoffs the past six years. In 2009, the Magic went through the Celtics and LeBron's heavily-favored Cavs to reach the NBA Finals. But all you remember is the Dwightmare.

Where Nixon covered up the Watergate break-in and was essentially forced to resign from the Presidency, the Magic (particularly since-fired GM Otis Smith) handled the long, miserable Dwight Howard fiasco about as poorly as possible. Trading for Hedo Turkoglu, Jason Richardson and Gilbert Arenas was basically re-arranging the deck chairs on Titanic, just as the resignation of Vice President Spiro Agnew did nothing to take the heat away from Nixon. Dwight Howard wanted a trade. Sometimes he pretended he didn't, but rather than go quietly, Howard took down coach Stan Van Gundy in one of the NBA's worst heel-turns. Howard was traded to the Lakers and the Magic wound up with Arron Afflalo, Al Harrington, a platter of spare parts and some draft picks. Andre Iguodala and Andrew Bynum changed hands in that trade, the Magic wound up with neither of them.

In the aftermath of his resignation, Nixon quietly withdrew from the public eye for a while before being pardoned by his successor, Gerald Ford. The 2012-2013 Orlando Magic are led by Afflalo, Jameer Nelson and Glen Davis. Hedo Turkoglu averaged 10.8 points per game last season and is the highest-paid player on the team. There's always the lottery, which, by the way, the Magic have won three times.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Cubone

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Shadow of Howard Hangs Over Magic"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Glen Davis, Hedo Turkoglu Face Off in Eating Contest at CiCi's Pizza, Everyone Involved Loses." 

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Did you bring Stan? I really want to hang out with that dude."

Melo and Active Hands

Abides and I watched the Knick game last night and simply put, it was a wonky affair. Here are some talking points we found hilarious, mind-boggling, and entertaining.

*Throughout the entire broadcast Mike Breen consistently harped on how well Carmelo was playing on defense. Almost every time he noted this, Melo was reaching in and waving his arms furiously—flapping around like a child aggressively attempting to swim out of the deep end. That was pretty much it. No clear shift in strategy, no sign of better communication, no calculated positioning, and no formula—just active hands.

*It was great to watch the Knick cheerleaders present Walt Frazier with a massive goblet filled with Snickers to celebrate his birthday. That should happen at basketball games more often.

*Mr. Candace Parker deserves more playing time. He checked Dwight better than any other Knick big and had some clutch plays down the stretch. And: Why haven't we seen Candace in the Garden yet?

*Chauncey Billups is so far beyond a joke that it's hysterical. If that makes sense.

*Gil showed flashes of OG Gil with some high-pressure threes.

*I get that Dwight's 6th foul call was pathetic, but he needs to calm the fuck down. Go ahead and try not arguing every single time a call doesn't go your way. Grow-up, Peter Pan.

*Melo and Amar'e never really looked to get each other open looks. This might be an option to consider down the road.

*You can't blame Hedo for fouling out: Whatever it took to get out of that arena fast enough for him to stuff three slices of the best pizza in the world into his mouth and rip seven vodka shots as quickly as possible.

*At one point late in the game, J-Rich and Melo looked like 6th graders wrestling as they desperately tried to trip and prevent one another from getting up off the hardwood. Awesome.

*I know this is overstated, but Walt Frazier literally just states words. Nothing he says makes any sense. After listening to him for almost 20 years, it still continues to baffle me.

*Melo should have put back his own miss at the end of regulation.

*This Knick team is great for the league.

*I wonder how many different people in the Knick organization Ewing asked about D'Antoni's job security.

No Regard Daily Previews: Florida Rivals

The First Game We'll Be Watching Tonight: Orlando Magic vs. Miami Heat

Tonight's Florida-on-Florida NBA action has the potential to be some serious eye-candy for NBA junkies and casual fans alike. Outside of the tight Eastern conference playoff race in which the top three seeds are barely separated by a few games, Miami, a side that's been criticized for both its inability to win close games and have success against the top-tier teams in the league, has a chance to gain some confidence and silence their haters temporarily. For Orlando, it's an opportunity to continue the momentum it gained from their comeback victory over the new-look Knicks and tinker with a roster that still hasn't figured out its identity since being revamped a few months back.

All-Star Weekend: The Dunks of Our Lives

The dunk contest holds a very special place in our hearts over here at No Regard, as it does in the hearts of most NBA fans. While the All-Star game itself is generally a fairly entertaining event, the weekend's pinnacle arguably comes at the end of Saturday night, when we get to watch four of the world's greatest jumpers face off in a battle of athleticism and creativity.

This year's competition seems poised to generate some memorable jams, but DeMar, Serge, Blake, and JaVale will have to step it up if they want to match these staff all-time favorites.

Andrew Abides: Dwight Howard's Superman (2008)



My infatuation with the dunk contest has long bordered on mania. Since I first learned the names Cedric Ceballos and Harold Miner, my love for dunks has resided within 10 feet on either side of the border between obsession and sickness. To put it bluntly: I still have the page I ripped out of Slam Magazine that featured Lil Penny bemoaning that cancelled 1998 dunk contest.

Needless to say, I was deeply affected as I watched the contest become stale in the years leading up to Dwight's ascension.

Monday Morning Dance Therapy

Monday mornings are tough. As the work week starts, we often need something to pick us up and remind us that things are going to be okay. That something is NBA players and other hoops figures dancing. This weekly column celebrates one of the finest things in life and gives you the kickstart you need to get the week started on the right foot.

Please enjoy this impromptu dance-off between Shaq, LeBron, and Dwight Howard at an Eastern Conference All Star practice in 2007. Sure, it might be a few years old, but odds are you haven't seen Shaq booty-pop like Beyonce before, so here's your chance:

No Regard Daily Preview: 10-28-10

Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Washington Wizards vs. Orlando MagicTonight marks the beginning of two eras in the Eastern Conference: the era of John Wall, and the era of Dwight Howard realizing he can fly and having a little self-respect. While Wall obviously has a lot to prove based on the lofty expectations that have been heaved his way for months, it may be Howard who will be watched most closely this game. As we noted in our Season Preview, it's just about do or die time for Howard to step up his post game and become the MVP-caliber player he physically has no right not to be. The East sure as shit isn't getting any weaker, aside from the gradual cellular decay of the Celtics, and Howard must be fully aware of how important it is for the Magic to prove this year that, Big Three be damned, they are team to beat not only in Florida, but in all the land. Personally, I think we're going to see a fierceness from this man that we've not seen before, and I greatly look forward to him owning the paint with an iron fist. A huge, Christian, iron fist.

This is not to say that I won't be loving every minute of watching John Wall begin his own reign of terror. With Gil's absence, Wall needs to make an instant claim to leadership of the Wizards, and even with a likely loss tonight, he has the chance to prove that there's no such thing as hyperbole when he is the subject of the conversation.


One Game We Probably Won't Watch Tonight: Phoenix Suns vs. Utah Jazz

It's nothing personal, Suns and Jazz. There are only two games tonight, and you know as well as I do that there's a hell of a lot more intrigue in the other one. That said, Nash vs. Williams is a consistently great point guard duel, and both these teams are trying to avoid an 0-2 start. I'm calling for a Jazz win in a high-scoring affair, leading Steve Nash to further consider his move to the MLS.

And for the record, duh, I'm going to watch some of this game tonight. It's the only 10:30 EST matchup, for Pete's sake! But I have to be at work early tomorrow, so I'll probably go to bed before it's over, thereby qualifying it as a game I probably won't watch (in its entirety). In other news, I really miss the Lawrence Welk show.

Team Dreamin' 2011: Orlando Magic

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

Hi Orlando Magic. Yeah, we see you in the back refusing to make eye contact with us, trying not to get called on. But we didn't forget about you.

Because Magic, your plans for this year are as important as any other team's 2010-2011 strategy. You need to capitalize this season or never, because in Dwight Howard you have the one piece that no other team has (Pau is 3/4 the player Howard is; Brook Lopez is about 2/5, but on his way up), but his athleticism will only last so long. And your former All-Star Rashard Lewis (who gets paid $10 million too much each year) is clearly the favorite to gain 35 pounds during the inevitable lockout of 2011.

Unfortunately, you've surrounded Dwight with mediocrity, albeit an opulence of mediocrity. But as we've learned from the Mavericks, you can have as many third options as you'd like, but you cannot win a ring without two sincere stars, one at least seven-feet-tall and the other capable of creating his own shot.

(Yeah, OK. 2004 Pistons, I see you in the back, you can put your hand down now. Right, you won a ring without following this rule. Your outlandish collection of role players masked as all-stars worked together to create a demonic mega-lord with Larry Brown for a brain. When a squad regularly holds teams to 68 points, you can disregard whatever algebra other teams use to chase rings.)

What I'm suggesting here is the NBA equivalent of "write what you know": Hide your deficiencies by playing to your strengths.

Your deficiencies: Lack of traditional post-up scorer; having a point guard who's merely very good during the New Golden Era of Point Guards; the aforementioned missing second banana; no one willing and able to take over offensively in the last two minutes of a close contest; the dangerous trajectory of losing interest in an effective and outspoken head coach; Patrick Ewing on your coaching staff.

Your strengths: Dunks.

So, a humble suggestion for the upcoming season...

Team Dreamin' 2011: NBA All Star Weekend

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

I have believed for some time now that the Saturday night events at the NBA's All-Star weekend rank as the best All-Star events for any current American professional sports league. However, there is a certain competition that Stern has yet to implement that he needs to seriously consider. This event would kill it.

How about it, David? Host a 1 on 1 tournament in Los Angeles during this years All-Star festivities.

Whoa. I know, crazy right? But ponder it for a moment and try and come up with some sort of legitimate argument which suggests that hosting an 8 person 1 on 1 tournament during All-Star weekend is not a brilliant idea for David Stern to think about.

Here's how the single elimination style tourney should be played out. Select 8 potential 1 on 1 players in the NBA via fan voting. For argument's sake: Kobe, Lebron, Melo, Cp3, Wade, Howard, Durant, and Rondo receive the most votes and all agree to compete in LA. The names are put into a hat and the bracket is randomly selected by luck of the draw. First round and semi-final games would be played to 7 with 3's counting as 2's and 2's counting for 1. The final match will be played to 11. Please take a moment and picture what might be witnessed if this were to go down.

Everyone grows up playing 1 on 1. It is ball in its most basic and fundamental form. Undoubtedly, games are won and lost based on the outcome of individual 1 on 1 battles throughout 4 quarters of play. Being able to watch the most ridiculous ballers in the world go at it in a 1 on 1 situation would be unforgettable. Seriously, let's put aside the "What if someone gets hurt?" nonsense and facilitate the coolest thing ever this February.

In Flight Change

Here at No Regard, we have a strange relationship with the movie Just Wright. It's a basketball movie starring Common, Queen Latifah, some other people, and Dwight Howard. Our relationship is strange in that we love it, and yet none of us have seen it. All of that changed yesterday. On a plane bound for Texas, Endless Pat was presented with the unavoidable opportunity to witness this small miracle: Just Wright in flight. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Well, he did.

LIVE BLOGGING IN-FLIGHT FILM REVIEW: JUST WRIGHT

- First things first. Who doesn’t love a good punny title? I mean honestly, raise your hand if you think you’re above a good old-fashioned character-name-including movie title? Now you, with your hand raised? Go watch Octopussy. Right now. I’ll wait.

- Common’s character name is Scott McKnight (I’ll be calling him Common). He’s a point guard for the Nets (who in this universe, win games and don’t have Brook Lopez) and is inexplicably good. No particular part of his game is emphasized, we’re just made aware that he can dribble while looking up-court and when he shoots, the ball has a habit of going in (we know this because we get a cut to close up of the hoop).

Dwight Howard gets Bored on Buses

There is probably a lot I could do to set this up for you, but then again, it probably wouldn't matter. Dwight Howard has been in Asia for good chunk of this offseason. He's doing charity and promotions and the usual stuff famous athletes do in foreign countries. He spends an awful lot of time on buses, and he often gets bored.

"LeBron James"

Take my talents to Manila? Vanilla? Banana? Whatever. Keep it up Dwight. Somebody buy that man an iPhone.

If You See Something, Say Something

IYSSSS is our semi-regular internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Yahoo Sports: It's a full time job keeping track of Dwight Howard this off-season. Here is a delightful photo gallery of his recent escapades at an EA Sports press event in Taiwan.

Fuck Yeah Lakers: Ron Artest plays dodgeball. With Hipsters.  To sum it up: He plays defense, giggles, gets thrown out, giggles some more.

Justin Bieber Zone (Yeah, What Up?): Biebs goes bowling with Shaq. 'Nuff said.

Hooped Up Online: Carlos Arroyo does his best Three Stooges impression.

Brain On Funk: Doc Funk puts the boondoggle that was free agency into perspective for us.

NBA Fanhouse: Team USA serenades Gerald Wallace. Odom demonstrates why his new nickname is "Giggles." Then, back to stretching.

If You See Something, Say Something

[Photo by Josh Cruey]

IYSSSS is our semi-regular Internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Orlando Sentinel Blog [via @jeskeets]: Oh, that picture up there? It's Dwight Howard at the grand opening of Universal Studios' Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Why do you ask?

Slam Online: As long as Slam keeps posting videos of NBA players on stage at hip-hop shows, so will we. "If you like that defense make some noooiissseee!"

Bullets Forever [via Ball Don't Lie]: The slogan for John Wall's first Reebok shoe is "The energy drink for your feet." Exclamation point and question mark!? Because even though that doesn't mean anything, it's kind of perfect. And the sneakers themselves are like a glow-in-the-dark (honestly) throwback to the mid-'90s classic Shaqnosis shoes. Between these and KD's new Zooms, the current NBA sneaker landscape is strong. Your move Wesley Johnson.

Ball Don't Lie: Great piece by Trey Kerby that sums up the current free agent atmosphere almost as well as our own Endless Pat.

Yahoo! Sports: So not only did Kobe's otherworldly drive rub off on teammates like Dwyane Wade and LeBron James at the 2008 Olympics, but on a 21-year-old Lionel Messi as well. This should be Kobe's retirement plan: Become some sort of nomadic, mystical motivational speaker who jets around the world, pushing superstars to become legends.