No Regard Presidential Previews: Orlando Magic (Richard Nixon)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“Life isn't meant to be easy. It's hard to take being on the top - or on the bottom. I guess I'm something of a fatalist. You have to have a sense of history, I think, to survive some of these things... Life is one crisis after another.” - Richard Nixon

Richard Milhouse Nixon's legacy, in the minds of most, begins with the Watergate break-in and ends with a resigned Tricky Dick throwing up deuces and boarding a helicopter out of town. While that is his enduring image, our 37th President of the United States was so much more than we remember. In his time in office, Nixon ended America's involvement in the Vietnam War, opened diplomatic relations with China, signed the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty with the Soviets, established the Environmental Protection Agency, established the first minimum wage, brought the first national attention to cancer research and won the Space Race by putting a man on the Moon. But all you remember is Watergate.

The Orlando Magic have had some really, really good years. Shaq and Penny Hardaway brought them to the 1995 NBA Finals, and Lil' Penny was the best non-Jordan ad campaign of the '90s. Tracy McGrady won a scoring title for the Magic in 2003. Dwight Howard won three Defensive Player of the Year awards in a row. The Magic have been to the playoffs the past six years. In 2009, the Magic went through the Celtics and LeBron's heavily-favored Cavs to reach the NBA Finals. But all you remember is the Dwightmare.

Where Nixon covered up the Watergate break-in and was essentially forced to resign from the Presidency, the Magic (particularly since-fired GM Otis Smith) handled the long, miserable Dwight Howard fiasco about as poorly as possible. Trading for Hedo Turkoglu, Jason Richardson and Gilbert Arenas was basically re-arranging the deck chairs on Titanic, just as the resignation of Vice President Spiro Agnew did nothing to take the heat away from Nixon. Dwight Howard wanted a trade. Sometimes he pretended he didn't, but rather than go quietly, Howard took down coach Stan Van Gundy in one of the NBA's worst heel-turns. Howard was traded to the Lakers and the Magic wound up with Arron Afflalo, Al Harrington, a platter of spare parts and some draft picks. Andre Iguodala and Andrew Bynum changed hands in that trade, the Magic wound up with neither of them.

In the aftermath of his resignation, Nixon quietly withdrew from the public eye for a while before being pardoned by his successor, Gerald Ford. The 2012-2013 Orlando Magic are led by Afflalo, Jameer Nelson and Glen Davis. Hedo Turkoglu averaged 10.8 points per game last season and is the highest-paid player on the team. There's always the lottery, which, by the way, the Magic have won three times.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Cubone

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Shadow of Howard Hangs Over Magic"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Glen Davis, Hedo Turkoglu Face Off in Eating Contest at CiCi's Pizza, Everyone Involved Loses." 

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Did you bring Stan? I really want to hang out with that dude."

Why You Should Root For The Thunder: Everything Dies

"My next year is now." - William Gates

This is about Kevin Durant.

The first time I thought about death thorough enough to have a breakdown I was probably around 11. The panic was spurred by the "Make Your Own Time Capsule" book I had been reading. It took me a few minutes, but all of a sudden I was hit with eternity. When the time capsule would finally be opened, however many hundred years in the future, I would not be. There, then not there. One moment, next moment.

Things change for good, quickly. And how! I've attended enough funerals to know how these things work. The floor can drop out any second, and it relishes in doing so.

Yeah, I know. This is a Website about the NBA, so here you go...

New Regard Daily Previews: Weekend Edition

One Game That We Will Definitely Watch This Weekend: Boston Celtics Vs. Chicago Bulls


If you've been diligently reading my previews as of late, you're probably thinking to yourself, "this guy is a one-trick pony, all he writes about is point guards." If you are thinking that, then you are pretty much dead on. Can you blame me though? Tonight's matchup of Rose and Rondo is going to be epic. Look for these two studs to try and one-up each other all night long. I expect them to be co-mayors of Highlight City.

Don't forget that this is also the return of former Celtics assistant coach Tom Thibodeou and former Celtics towel-waver Brian Scalabrine to Beantown. (I don't use the F-Bomb too often in my writing by why the FUCK did Doc Rivers put him in during game 7 last year?). Predictions: Boston pulls off a close one, Joakim Noah plays hard, and KG calls Scal a honky. After the game, KG clarifies that he actually meant that he honked his horn at Brian when he saw him walking into the stadium before the game.

One Game That We're, Frankly, Not Watching: Charlotte Bobcats Vs. Detroit Pistons

There are times in life where you just have to be frank. This is one of those times. It sucks watching the Pistons these days. It sucks, hard. Not only is it horrible witnessing a Tracy McGrady that is about 1/100th of the player he once was but the entire squad is hapless. What happened to the Detroit team that won a ring with maybe the most balanced starting five ever? Seems like decades ago.

We don't know what to say, T-Mac. We hate watching you decline. We hate it.

Team Dreamin' 2011: CELTICS

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

We miss Antoine Walker.  Though his career ended quietly and without fanfare, the absence of our lovably delusional shooter and purveyor of the shimmy makes the league feel empty.   After quite a bit of hard luck, a few burglaries, and a lot of gambling, the 'Toine has gone and declared bankruptcy. But all is not lost. Recently we heard he's working with Rick Pitino on a comeback.  Frankly we'd like to help that out any way we can, which is why we think the Boston Celtics should re-sign Antoine Walker.

But trust us, our idea gets way crazier.