Adam's Basketball Basement Tapes: Volume Three

My dad saves everything. For a long time, this tendency annoyed me. Recently, though, I realized that for every one of my worthless elementary school lunch menus sitting in a paper bag in his basement, right next to it is a hilarious, terrifying, and/or touching piece of my childhood. It just so happens that many, many of these tokens of nostalgia—papers, drawings, notes—are focused on basketball. I was as passionate in my fandom as a child as I am now. In this series, I'll share with you some of the artifacts uncovered while digging through the minutiae of my youth.

Another set of goodies I found during my Christmas visit. We've got a little bit of everything here. A super cool poster, another stellar piece of art like a regular Jeff Koons, some pretty conservative, old white man thoughts on the NBA lockout, you name it. Aside from the first one and the lockout one, these are all from sixth grade, as far as I can tell. It was a cool year.

Artifact #1: An introductory letter to pen pal

There are a lot of interesting facts just on this first page of my letter. You find out about the very special speaker who came to my school that day. You find out that not only is "Regulate" by Warren G. and Nate Dogg my favorite song, but that I love it so much that I named my hermit crab "Warren." Most importantly, though, you finally get definitive confirmation that yes, I did indeed have Shaq's album.

Artifact #2: A plea to come watch the Heminway Hornets on Friday nights

Listen, guy, what else are you gonna do on a Friday night? Go meet some girls? Get your drink on? Watch the Knicks and see Jason Kidd DROP DIMES? Fuck all that noise. Come see the Heminway Hornets. Check out that charity game! Cedric Ceballos and Rex Chapman?! That's so good it doesn't need a verb!

Artifact #3: Just a folder with Shawn Kemp dunking over David Robinson on it, no big deal

You'd think I would have been wary of anything showing The Admiral in a negative light, but apparently Shawn Kemp power violence jams trumped that notion and just about everything else. If I saw this folder in a store today, I'd buy it, regardless of price or lack of any idea what to do with it aside from just staring at it like forever.

Artifact #4: A couple lists of players with specific skill sets

I'll tell ya, just about anybody can dunk. Ball handling, though? Only Kenny. (Hey, remember LaPhonso Ellis? Remember LaPhonso Ellis!)

Artifact #5: An opinion paper on the NBA lockout (7th grade)

Sometimes when you're a kid, you subscribe to Sports Illustrated and you read Rick Reilly and no one tells you that he's a sentimental fool and that his cutesy morality play of a column is actually dangerous to impressionable little brains. So then, after you get older and go to a liberal arts college and take some sociology classes and become, ya know, more of a "power to the players" type of guy, you look back at sentences you wrote in childhood papers, such as the following ones, and cringe: "I feel that this whole situation is setting a bad example for children. It is teaching kids that they can be spoiled and only think about money...What ever happened to the love of the game?" At least I wasn't reading Phil Mushnick.

Artifact #6: A mixed media piece of some hands

So the hand in the middle is technically the reason this is here. It says "Penny" on it, because from 4th to 6th grade, I was the president of my own Penny Hardaway fun club, as you know from previous posts. But don't leave this page before you take a good look at the rest of these hands. You've got the hand making the "Westside" sign and repping my favorite sports teams from that period. You've got the hand with an alien, some supermodels and female MTV personalities, and a broken pinky. You've got the hand with an alien, a smiley face, and a broken pinky. And then you've got the hip-hop hand, featuring the likes of Ghostface, Lil' Kim, Westside Connection, and a 2Pac two-finger ring. The glitter? All gold everything.

No Regard Presidential Previews: Orlando Magic (Richard Nixon)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“Life isn't meant to be easy. It's hard to take being on the top - or on the bottom. I guess I'm something of a fatalist. You have to have a sense of history, I think, to survive some of these things... Life is one crisis after another.” - Richard Nixon

Richard Milhouse Nixon's legacy, in the minds of most, begins with the Watergate break-in and ends with a resigned Tricky Dick throwing up deuces and boarding a helicopter out of town. While that is his enduring image, our 37th President of the United States was so much more than we remember. In his time in office, Nixon ended America's involvement in the Vietnam War, opened diplomatic relations with China, signed the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty with the Soviets, established the Environmental Protection Agency, established the first minimum wage, brought the first national attention to cancer research and won the Space Race by putting a man on the Moon. But all you remember is Watergate.

The Orlando Magic have had some really, really good years. Shaq and Penny Hardaway brought them to the 1995 NBA Finals, and Lil' Penny was the best non-Jordan ad campaign of the '90s. Tracy McGrady won a scoring title for the Magic in 2003. Dwight Howard won three Defensive Player of the Year awards in a row. The Magic have been to the playoffs the past six years. In 2009, the Magic went through the Celtics and LeBron's heavily-favored Cavs to reach the NBA Finals. But all you remember is the Dwightmare.

Where Nixon covered up the Watergate break-in and was essentially forced to resign from the Presidency, the Magic (particularly since-fired GM Otis Smith) handled the long, miserable Dwight Howard fiasco about as poorly as possible. Trading for Hedo Turkoglu, Jason Richardson and Gilbert Arenas was basically re-arranging the deck chairs on Titanic, just as the resignation of Vice President Spiro Agnew did nothing to take the heat away from Nixon. Dwight Howard wanted a trade. Sometimes he pretended he didn't, but rather than go quietly, Howard took down coach Stan Van Gundy in one of the NBA's worst heel-turns. Howard was traded to the Lakers and the Magic wound up with Arron Afflalo, Al Harrington, a platter of spare parts and some draft picks. Andre Iguodala and Andrew Bynum changed hands in that trade, the Magic wound up with neither of them.

In the aftermath of his resignation, Nixon quietly withdrew from the public eye for a while before being pardoned by his successor, Gerald Ford. The 2012-2013 Orlando Magic are led by Afflalo, Jameer Nelson and Glen Davis. Hedo Turkoglu averaged 10.8 points per game last season and is the highest-paid player on the team. There's always the lottery, which, by the way, the Magic have won three times.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Cubone

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Shadow of Howard Hangs Over Magic"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Glen Davis, Hedo Turkoglu Face Off in Eating Contest at CiCi's Pizza, Everyone Involved Loses." 

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Did you bring Stan? I really want to hang out with that dude."

If You See Something, Say Something: Sushi, Mixed Emotions, and Jackson's Passion

IYSSSS is our semi-regular internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Petro Flies Solo at Nets Gym: The Nets' Johan Petro, was the only player to hit the hardwood when the Nets opened their facility for the first time this season according to this ESPN.com article. After dropping 3.5 points per game in the 2010-2011 season, Petro's clearly on a mission and is wasting no time. Where was Brook Lopez you ask? Filming a gum spot is my best guess.

Steve Kerr's Passion For Sushi: Turner's new mini-series, Open Court, features all of their ex-player-now-analysts waxing poetic about whatever random topic Ernie brings up. From favorite movies to on-court nemeses, these conversations are epic. In the video linked above, we learn that Steve Kerr's favorite food is sushi. And as for Shaq, well, he's all about crushing a brownie as an appetizer.

Does Danny Ainge Like-Like Rondo?: After CP3 for Rondo rumors swirled around Google machines everywhere, Danny Ainge came out on record claiming that, "Rondo knows we love him. Rondo knows we like him." Well, which one is it Danny, do you like him or love him? What are your intentions with my point guard, Danny? You know, Danny, Rajon is special to me, I'd hate to see someone harm him in anyway.

Mark Jackson Won't Accept Mediocrity: This video on the Warriors official website introduces Golden State to their new head coach, Mark Jackson. Preacher, analyst, and player, Jackson spits straight fire every second of every minute in this interview and reminds that he's a coach in the NBA! "Latch onto the back of the bandwagon cause things be changing in the Bay Area." More of that please, but mention Steph Curry next time.

No Regard Mixtape: Shaquille O'Neal

TNT has made it official: Shaq will be joining Ernie, Chuck and Kenny on the stalwart program that is "Inside the NBA." Which is a relief to us since we thought Shaq was as dead as Laura Palmer. (We're still not really sure where most NBA players go when they retire, so we just assume they're in a morgue somewhere.)

But still, we're all pretty sad about his retirement. Not so much because he's been a contributing member to an NBA team any time recently, but more because watching a childhood behemoth age, crumble, then disappear is a stiff drink of mortality. Thus, we've turned to some of our favorite musicians as a coping mechanism.

The songs are also here to help us parse our own feeling about the Diesel, because he was a much more complicated dude than he let on. The gregarious giant crashed into the NBA like a diabolical hurricane on laughing gas, then was easily the best and most entertaining player in the league for about seven years in the middle of his career.

But around the time his brief tenure with Phoenix ended, it started to bubble up that the spat with Kobe (that broke up what could have been a six-year championship run) was more likely the doing of O'Neal, not Bryant. When coupled with the fact that he was about to leave yet another team on not-great terms, and the fairly nasty rumor that he stole Steve Nash's idea for a television show and turned it into "Shaq Vs.", the Big Nickname's reputation as all around fun dude began to rust a bit. Even during the epoch when he ruled the league, he was criticized for lazing through the regular season and never working hard enough to improve his free throw shooting (the one dim bulb in his trillion-watt repertoire).

But we're pretty sure all the cheer and mayhem he unloaded during his Hall of Fame career outweigh these unfortunate character tics. He won three Finals MVP awards and was named to 15 All Star teams! He starred in two really silly movies! He was a pretty good rapper! He had no regard for backboards! He's one of the few players easily identifiable only from a silhouette! He was incredibly generous with his time and money! He turned the grumpy Celtics from curmudgeons to clowns! He danced with LeBron! He said so many funny things and gave himself so many funny nicknames!

Clearly it's been a road trip filled with both fun and folly. As O'Neal ends his playing career, we wonder which Shaq was the real one, and which one he'll be remembered as. Oddly, his performance on TNT will play a very large role in pinpointing his character and cementing his legacy. Hopefully he'll bump this mixtape in whatever over-sized car he's riding these days and reflect a little bit on himself before he embarks on phase two of his time in the public eye, because we're still rooting for him.

Tracklist after the jump.

Kazaam to the Rescue

Like George Washington (or Abe Lincoln?), I cannot tell a lie: I'm extremely down right now about my Celtics. After two bad losses at the hands of LeBron, Wade and Jackass Jones, my hopes are wearing thin. Yet, there's one X-factor that leaves me with a strange sense of confidence that Beantown can turn things around, with the series shifting to Massachusetts. Where does my audacious sense of belief come from? Squarely on the shoulder's of the league's oldest, fattest and, at one point, most dominate player.

If You See Something, Say Something: Crying, Cakes, and Crossovers

IYSSSS is our semi-regular internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Greg Payne ESPN: Shaq turned 39 a few days ago, so someone gave him a cake the size of the galaxy. Then he cut it and shared it with friends. Sometimes I forget if Shaq still plays basketball, but that really doesn't matter at all.

New York Times: So many great scraps of useless info in here about NBA players' napping habits. "Kobe Bryant checks into a hotel before home games for his pregame nap." Let's be honest, more likely he checks into a hotel before home games to set up his kill room. (But seriously, no "Dexter" spoilers in the comments, my girlfriend and I are behind.)

Rod Benson's Blog: As much as I loved Adam's post about crying, I think Rod Benson gets the trophy here for his take on this very silly explosion about the Heatles' desire to win.

Shaky Ankles: Last time a Net point guard went to London, this happened. This past weekend, the new Net point guard traveled across the pond and they actually let him inside the arena this time. Then he almost killed Sonny Weems.

Negative Dunkalectics: A great piece on the revelation that is the wonderfully puckish new Nuggets squad. We're getting to excited to watch this team in the playoffs.

In Memorium: NBA Power Couple Nate Robinson and Shaq Split

Shaq and Nate were Oprah and Gayle close.

Words cannot describe how sad I am right now. I've had a chance to sleep on the news that Nate Robinson and Shaq will no longer be playing together, both on the court and off, and I am still devastated. Nate Robinson and Shaq together was one of my favorite things ever. Ever, you guys.

Monday Morning Dance Therapy

Monday mornings are tough. As the work week starts, we often need something to pick us up and remind us that things are going to be okay. That something is NBA players and other hoops figures dancing. This weekly column celebrates one of the finest things in life and gives you the kickstart you need to get the week started on the right foot.

Please enjoy this impromptu dance-off between Shaq, LeBron, and Dwight Howard at an Eastern Conference All Star practice in 2007. Sure, it might be a few years old, but odds are you haven't seen Shaq booty-pop like Beyonce before, so here's your chance:

Wordapp: Halloween Edition

Halloween is the greatest day of the year. You dress up, go out, get drunk and become instant friends with like-minded people in the streets and on the subways. As a result of this writer's love for Halloween, I did not fully recover from the weekend until this morning. So my Halloween Twitter recap is a day or two late. And for that I apologize. But what this post lacks in timeliness, I assure you it makes up for in holy-shit-I-can't-believe-my-own-eyes awesomeness.

The Celtics were the clear winners this year. First up, Paul Pierce as the Frog Prince:

Prince Pierce was later joined by some friends:

Wordapp!!!!!!

Nate Robinson and Shaq are on the same team.  This pleases me for many reasons.  One reason being that when they are standing next to each other, they are arguably this generation's Muggsy Bogues and Manute Bol.  Also, it's funny when a really short person stands next to a really tall person because you think to yourself, "Are these two really from the same species?" But in this case the answers is no, because genies aren't people.

But mostly this makes me happy because Shaq and Robinson are two of my favorite NBA Twitterers.  And now that they are both playing for the Celtics, they can combine their awesome Twit-Powers for an outrageous, spontaneous, you can't contain this kind of fun.

Top 5 Player Tweets of the Week - In Pictures!

From Skillanueva's half-time tweets to Gil's fateful outburst, we're keeping tabs on this whole Twitter thing. Each week we wade through the rants, shout outs and sheer insanity to bring you the best micro-blogging the NBA has to offer.

5. "Good Deed ALERT: Who wants to go help look for homeless people and feed the with me...."

- George Hill

4. "Things taller than me: giraffes, Shawn Bradley and most high school girls."

- Muggsy Bogues

NBA Happy Hour: United We Step Up

TGIF basketball fans! It's the end of the week, so that means NBA Happy Hour! Grab a beer, follow the rules and start the weekend with a Don Nelson-level buzz.

We may be a week behind on this, but our staff finally got out to the theaters to see, and yes, we drank during it. If we could embed an entire feature film and distribute 3D glasses via email, we would. Instead you're just gonna have to take our word for it and go see it yourselves. We know that basketball players and fans alike share our passion for ridiculously amazing dance moves. If you don't believe it's worth your time and money, well then just watch this:



Make sure and smuggle in a frosty can or two of your favorite malt liquor, and DRINK ANYTIME...

Steve Nash's Balls Violated By Hanes

Newish Hanes/Michael Jordan commercial that I just saw for the first time:



Look familiar? Yeah, Steve Nash probably thinks so too...

At the Zoo with Shaquille O'Neal

Shaquille O'Neal got on Twitter yesterday to let us all know that he has figured out how to shrink a Giraffe. This makes him the second man to master this trick in a month...

Is that guy supposed to be Prokhorov?

Just some food for thought.  Hope everyone's having a lovely weekend.

NBA Happy Hour: Lep in the Hood

TGIF basketball fans! It's the end of the week, so that means NBA Happy Hour! Grab a beer, follow the rules and start the weekend with a Don Nelson-level buzz.

Shaquille O'Neal is a Celtic. Reactions to this news are mixed at best, but one thing is certainly worth celebrating: we will have another season of Shaq in the NBA. Sure, he will likely do next to nothing on the court, but his entertainment value is irreplaceable. Last night's Sportscenter aired a montage of some of his best moments. 

Drink Anytime...

Top 5 Player Tweets of the Week - In Pictures!

From Skillanueva's half-time tweets to Gil's fateful outburst, we're keeping tabs on this whole Twitter thing. Each week we wade through the rants, shout outs and sheer insanity to bring you the best micro-blogging the NBA has to offer.

5. "AIRPLANE MODE BACK TO LA!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

- James Harden

4. "I call a pretty girl a "Fox", I say "jive" a lot, I call the police the "fuzz"....& I'm calm all the time. My shii is so 70s. #CatdaddyFresh"

- Chris Dougey-Roberts

If You See Something, Say Something

IYSSSS is our semi-regular internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Yahoo Sports: It's a full time job keeping track of Dwight Howard this off-season. Here is a delightful photo gallery of his recent escapades at an EA Sports press event in Taiwan.

Fuck Yeah Lakers: Ron Artest plays dodgeball. With Hipsters.  To sum it up: He plays defense, giggles, gets thrown out, giggles some more.

Justin Bieber Zone (Yeah, What Up?): Biebs goes bowling with Shaq. 'Nuff said.

Hooped Up Online: Carlos Arroyo does his best Three Stooges impression.

Brain On Funk: Doc Funk puts the boondoggle that was free agency into perspective for us.

NBA Fanhouse: Team USA serenades Gerald Wallace. Odom demonstrates why his new nickname is "Giggles." Then, back to stretching.

Top 5 Player Tweets of the Week - In Pictures!

From Skillanueva's half-time tweets to Gil's fateful outburst, we're keeping tabs on this whole Twitter thing. Each week we wade through the rants, shout outs and sheer insanity to bring you the best micro-blogging the NBA has to offer.

5. "Damn my grandma text my brother and told him to hit me and tell me she want a lambo...she must be high...how much a lambo cost?"

- Kevin Durant

4. "Yep its official gonna retire a celtic"

- Paul Pierce