The Sacramento Kings are one of the NBA's hottest young teams. They've got a dynamic second-year guard in Tyreke Evans, an extremely promising rookie big man in DeMarcus Cousins, and several other youthful players--Carl Landry, Omri Casspi, Jason Thompson, Beno Udrih--whose best years lie ahead of them. This is a team that, five years from now, could become a a title contender, provided they continue to draft as well as they have.
But what about this year? How can the Kings become an instant frontrunner in the Western Conference, surpassing the Lakers as the team to beat? Well, it's actually quite simple:
The team's owners, Gavin and Joe Maloof, must expand their Palms Casino Resort to Sacramento, thereby creating the ultimate distraction for visiting opponents. Imagine the excitement opposing players would have if they got the opportunity to spend their pregame hours being treated like royalty in one of the world's most luxurious casinos. It would be irresistable. Players would slip out from under their coach's watch as soon as they left the airport, at which point they would beeline for the Palms. Upon their arrival, they would be liquored up, offered free table games, and flirted with by beautiful female employees. Hours would pass, they would become increasingly intoxicated, and the basketball game they are there to play would disappear from their minds entirely. Most of them wouldn't make it to the game, and those who did would be either incredibly unfocused or Tim Duncan. The Kings--who will have all been given 10% annual bonuses in agreement to not visit the casino during the season--would ran laps around their drunken, Roulette-obsessed opponents, finishing the season as the number one seed, and coasting through the playoffs, when the Palms will offer guaranteed $50,000 winnings to any NBA player who finds himself on the casino floor.
Just keep Barkley away. We need him in the studio.
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