No Regard 2010-2011 NBA Season Previews: Western Conference

The 2010-2011 NBA season starts tonight. Or another way to say it: Merry Christmas and good luck keeping the other areas of your life afloat for the next eight months! You've entered the No Regard Season Previews, where we won't bore you with stats or scouting reports, but instead entertain with Twitter heroes, the Proust Questionnaire, and oddly prescient Mitch Hedberg jokes. Find out which teams make the playoffs, which teams are lottery bound, and which players are most likely to show up at All Star Weekend with video cameras—all after the jump!

1. Oklahoma City Thunder
Projected Record: 57-25
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Kevin Durant
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Kevin Durant is a Great Teammate, Humble" [Sorry, but we get it. We love the guy, but it's becoming comical.]
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Nenad Takes Advice From Artest, Visits Therapist to Handle Anger Management Issues"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: All
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Russell, we have plenty of Cheetos."

2. Los Angeles Lakers

Projected Record: 55-27
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Ron Artest
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Lakers Eke Out Win as Jackson Rests Kobe"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Odom Rides Career Year Into Playoffs"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Derrick Caracter
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Phil, you were right, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance actually is a really great read. Thanks for the recommendation."

3. Utah Jazz
Projected Record: 54-28
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: C.J. Miles
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Jefferson Still Struggling to Adjust to Sloan's Demands"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Deron Williams Admits That He Was Just Fucking Around With That Weird Hair of His"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: None (It takes place after the team curfew.)
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "So, honestly, I've always wondered: What's the deal with those Mormons?"

4. Dallas Mavericks

Projected Record: 53-29
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Shawn Marion
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Cuban Looking to Shake Up Roster Before Trade Deadline"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Jason Kidd Wins Sixth Man of the Year Award"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Shawn Marion
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Sorry about all the heartbreak and disappointing playoff runs, but there are consequences for getting rid of Steve Nash."

5. San Antonio Spurs
Projected Record: 51-31
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: George Hill
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Spurs Happy to be Underestimated"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Tim Duncan Launches Dungeons and Dragons Podcast"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Matt Bonner
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "I expected you all to get here a lot sooner. Shows what I know."

6. Houston Rockets

Projected Record: 51-31
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "An escalator can never break—it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Yao Ming
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Rockets Win Low-Scoring Affair With 35 Trips to the Line"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Call me Ishmael"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Kevin Martin
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Yao, don't blame me for your bad feet. I didn't make you."

7. Portland Trailblazers
Projected Record: 50-32
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "What does a Sesame seed grow into? I don't know; we never gave them a chance! What the fuck is a Sesame?"
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Patrick Mills
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Still No Timetable"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Oden: I'll Be Starting Our Next Game"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Wesley Matthews
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Sorry, Greg. But you would have been too powerful."

8. Phoenix Suns

Projected Record: 49-33
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, 'Fuck it, cut em up!'"
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Steve Nash
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Suns Give Up 55 Points in the Paint"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Nash Vows to Join Red Bulls Next MLS Season"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Steve Nash
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "At least I made it a dry heat, right?"

9. Los Angeles Clippers
Projected Record: 49-33
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. 'Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!'"
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Craig Smith
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Blake Griffin is a Very Good Athlete."
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Baron Davis is a Very Good Athlete."
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Baron Davis (But only if Steve Nash does it too.)
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "I swear, there's no 'Clippers Curse.' Just a bunch of honest mistakes."

10. Denver Nuggets

Projected Record: 43-39
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Ty Lawson
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Karl Not Getting Through to Players"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Anderson and Martin Open Tattoo Shop in Downtown Denver"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Carmelo Anthony (And by video camera we mean LaLa's television crew.)
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Seriously guys, cool tattoos all around."

11. New Orleans Hornets
Projected Record: 41-41
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Chris Paul
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Chris Paul is Very Cranky"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "West Admits to Being A Very Boring Player"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: DJ Mbenga
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "I haven't looked in a while, how's the city doing?"

12. Golden State Warriors

Projected Record: 41-41
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,'Forget everything you know about slipcovers.' So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Reggie Williams
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "New Coach Gets 'Smart' About Defense"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Curry and Ellis Combine for 100 Points and 25 Turnovers in Win"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: David Lee
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "So you just went ahead and grabbed the state's nickname for part of your name? That takes balls."

13. Memphis Grizzlies
Projected Record: 39-43
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Rudy Gay
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Memphis Continues Downward Spiral"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Mayo Traded to Contender at Deadline"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Mike Conley
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Zach, great to see you again."

14. Sacramento Kings
Projected Record: 30-52
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'"
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Joe Crawford
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: Should Evans Stay at Point Guard?
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Cousins to Guest Star on HBO's 'In Treatment'"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera:
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "That finals matchup with the Bulls in 2014 was epic. And I know epic."

15. Minnesota Timberwolves
Projected Record: 22-60
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "A guy told me he liked cherries... but... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato... before I realized he likes cherries just... all right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Jonny Flynn
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Kaaaaaaaahhhhn!"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Beasley's Scoring Rampage A Result of Afro, Says Teammate Rubio "
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Michael Beasley
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Stern and Magic were right, contraction was good for the league. Even you guys can admit that now, right?"