No Regard 2010-2011 Season Previews: Eastern Conference

The 2010-2011 NBA season starts tonight. Or another way to say it: Merry Christmas and good luck keeping the other areas of your life afloat for the next nine months! You've entered the No Regard Season Previews, where we won't bore you with stats or scouting reports, but instead entertain with Twitter heroes, the Proust Questionnaire, and oddly prescient Mitch Hedberg jokes. Find out which teams make the playoffs, which teams are lottery bound, and which players are most likely to show up at All Star Weekend with video cameras—all after the jump!

1. Miami Heat
Projected Record: 65-17
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Da'Sean Butler
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "In Victory Big Three Dominate, Giggle" #pause
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Heat Remain Under the Radar Going Into Playoffs"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Eddie House
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Yeah, I guess that was all impressive, but you guys really acted like a bunch of dicks back there."

2. Orlando MagicProjected Record: 61-21
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said, 'Sorry, we're closed.' You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m. and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at 10 a.m. and say, 'Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!'"
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: JJ Redick
Headline We'll Be Sick of Reading: "Howard's New Post Moves No More Than a Dream"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Howard's Offensive Rebirth Paves Road to First MVP"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Who do you think?
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Stan, sorry about everything. I just wanted to see if I could do the Job thing again."

3. Boston Celtics
Projected Record: 57-25
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... what's it look like?'"
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Nate Robinson
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Both O'Neals Say They'll be Healthy Come Playoffs"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Celtics Finish Season With Fewest Technical Fouls"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Paul Pierce (Nate will be too giddy to hold the camera still.)
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Rajon, just so you know, I spent a lot of time on that ball fake of yours."

4. Milwaukee Bucks

Projected Record: 53-29
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Chris Douglas-Roberts
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Amidst Losing Streak, Skiles Being Questioned"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Ersan Ilyasova: All Star?"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Brandon Jennings and Keyon Dooling (Honestly, these two are going to love each other.)
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "I should have sent my son to Italy for a year before I unleashed him to the world. Nicely played Brandon."

5. Atlanta Hawks
Projected Record: 52-30
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Mike Bibby
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Johnson Not Playing Up to Salary"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Bibby Translates From Star Point Guard to Star Blogger With Grace and Humility"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Pape Sy
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Jordan, I saw your dunk on LeBron. Maverick's not that powerful."

6. Chicago BullsProjected Record: 50-32
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Ronnie Brewer
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Thibodeau's Defensive Attitude Infects Team"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Rose-Rondo Rivalry to be Settled in Playoffs Rematch"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Brian Scalabrine
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Joakim, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your mother--I hit that."

7. Charlotte Bobcats

Projected Record: 41-41
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "This shirt is dry-clean only... which means it's dirty."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Nazr Mohammed
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Gerald Wallace Puts Up Double-Double"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Kwame: Jordan Apologized to Me. He was Sincere."
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Gerald Henderson
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "I tried telling you, Gerald. Braids actually make you faster. It's science. My science."

8. New York Knicks

Projected Record: 39-43
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Amar'e Stoudemire
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Randolph Still Not Trusted By D'Antoni"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Gallinari and D'antoni Open Authentic Italian Restaurant Next to MSG"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Timofey Mozgov
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Hey Mike, take a break, slow down. You've got all the time in the world now. Seven seconds means nothing to me."

9. New Jersey NetsProjected Record: 35-47
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "'My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah'."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Anthony Morrow
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Lopez Finishes With 22 and 11 in Loss"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Lopez Cites Inaccuracies in Howard's Superman Costume"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Terrence Williams
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "I'm telling you, as bad as Newark is, it's even worse down there. You're lucky to be here."

10. Washington Wizards
Projected Record: 34-48
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.'"
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: JaVale McGee
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Arenas and Wall Struggle to Find Chemistry"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Arenas and Wall Getting Married, Planning Honeymoon Trip to Bali"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Nick Young
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Crittendon had it coming. What an asshole."

11. Indiana Pacers
Projected Record: 30-52
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be...a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!"
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Danny Granger
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Granger High Scorer for Pacers"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Lance Stephenson Retires, Enters Monastery"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Roy Hibbert
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "All those people who talk about Indiana being God's country? What idiots! I'm better than that."

12. Detroit Pistons
Projected Record: 26-56
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Charlie Villanueva
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "McGrady Struggles to Find Role "
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Rookie Monroe Brings Hope to Downtrodden City"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Will Bynum
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "I've been responsible for a lot of clusterfucks in my day, but that one was something else, no?"

13. Cleveland Cavaliers
Projected Record: 22-60
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. 'Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!'"
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Daniel "Boobie" Gibson
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "LeBron's Comeback Game Something Something Blah Blah Blah"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Cavs Win Three in a Row"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Jamario Moon
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "I sent the wrong guy to you. Sorry about that."

14. Philadelphia 76ers


Projected Record: 22-60
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Andre Iguodala
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Brand Doesn't Travel with Team"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Brand Stays Healthy, Returns to Dominant Form"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Louis Williams
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Hey Andre, that British guy who tried to make you look stupid on Fox News? Don't worry, you won't be seeing him around here."

15. Toronto Raptors
Projected Record: 13-69
Mitch Hedberg Joke: "I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say 'I'm hungry,' so it died."
Player You Should Follow on Twitter: Julian Wright
Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Bargnani's Threes Not Enough"
Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "DeMar DeRozan Becoming Very Well-Rounded Player"
Player Most Likely to Show Up at the Dunk Contest With a Video Camera: Amir Johnson
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Hey, you got to live in Canada for a while. Nice, right?"