Monday Morning Dance Therapy: Vintage DeMarcus

Monday mornings are tough. As the work week starts, we often need something to pick us up and remind us that things are going to be okay. That something is NBA players and other hoops figures dancing. This weekly column celebrates one of the finest things in life and gives you the kickstart you need to get the week started on the right foot.

No Regard Presidential Previews: Sacramento Kings (Franklin Pierce)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“Frequently the more trifling the topic, the more animated and protracted the discussion.” - Franklin Pierce

To say Franklin Pierce was a memorable, celebrated president would be to tell a complete lie. Despite winning the 1852 election in a landslide, Pierce went on to become one of history's least popular and most ineffective presidents and was not nominated by his own party for a second term. By badly mishandling the Kansas-Nebraska Act and admitting Kansas to the United States as a slave state, Pierce lost support of his own party and became the first president to hire a full-time bodyguard. Pierce, a New Hampshire native, had been one of the country's most successful lawyers before taking office, but tarnished his name and legacy beyond repair.

The Sacramento Kings had their moments in the sun. The days of the 6th Man rocking Arco Arena feel so long ago now, but in the early 2000s, the Kings were a force to be reckoned with, led by Chris Webber, Peja Stojakovic, Vlade Divac and No Regard's own Mike Bibby. Then Peja got traded for Ron Artest, Webber was dealt for 30 cents on the dollar and the Maloof brothers started hemorrhaging cash. The Kings have been a lottery team with one foot out the door ever since.

Currently, the three highest paid players on the Kings, in order, are John Salmons, Marcus Thornton and Francisco Garcia. Tyreke Evans, their former Rookie of the Year (because Blake Griffin was injured), appears to be one of the worst teammates in basketball, and his scoring and rebounding numbers have declined every year since he became a pro. The next year's pick, DeMarcus Cousins, is insanely talented, but may also be an insane person. Cousins has the potential to be one of the best big men in the game, but has already gotten one coach fired by refusing to travel with the team until Paul Westphal was relieved of his duties. Westphal was likely just plain relieved. Second year point guard Isaiah Thomas gives the Kings a modicum of hope, despite being hilariously booed at Madison Square Garden because of the curse of being named Isaiah Thomas. Other players on this team include Chuck Hayes, Aaron Brooks and former Basketball-Tebow and current forgotten bench guy Jimmer Fredette. That isn't good.

The Kings are going nowhere fast. Geographically, yes, but they are certain to remain in the lottery. The 6th Man is gone forever and their arena is named after a bracelet designed to make you balance better or something. For a long stretch this summer, the merchandise link on the team website led to an error page. You can't make this stuff up.

At the end of the Pierce presidency, the landslide election that brought him into office must have felt so long ago, just as the shadows of Peja and Webber hang over the Purple and Black in their remaining days in California's capital city. It was a good run, for a little while.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Farfetch'd

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Maloofs Back Out of Another Stadium Deal"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Kings Offer 'Buy One Seat, Get Entire Section Free' Ticket Deal, Tens of Fans Flock to Arena"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "You guys had some good times, right? Right?"

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: DeMarcus Cousins

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.

Craigslist Posting

9/13/2011, Sacramento, CA, Solar Installer

"Seeking residential solar installer to work with established company. Position is based in Sacramento but territory covers all of northern California. Ideally candidate will have some solar experience or experience in traditional trades. Job requires a lot of travel. Candidate must be willing to stay out of town for most of the week. Duties will include but not limited to the following: Installing residential grid-tied photo-voltaic systems under supervision of lead installer. Organizing shop and assisting with shop duties when needed including receiving new shipments. Must have a good work ethic and able to stay on task until the job is done."

Why He Should Apply


Picture the following scenario for a hot minute: You're a California resident inspired by the nation's recent surge into the solar movement. You want to do your part to help prevent the earth from crumbling at the cruel hands of human-created global warming. So you decide to order solar panels for your house. It's a strong move. You feel good about it.

The next week the delivery truck pulls up, and who hops out? Yeah, DeMarcus Cousins, the feisty power forward on your favorite NBA team, the Sacramento Kings. Does he know what "grid-tied photo voltaic systems" are? Maybe not, but neither do you, right? So relax. Does he have a "good work ethic and can stay on task until a job is done"? you best your ass he can, Mr./Mrs. solar panel purchaser.

What He Should Wear to the Interview

Obviously.

No Regard Daily Recap: 10-27-10

One Game We Watched Last Night: Oklahoma City Thunder Vs. Chicago Bulls

Chicago: 95 Thunder: 106

The night, as predicted, belonged to the stars that shined in Turkey this summer for team USA. Durant, Rose and Westbrook were all brilliant in a game that was fast paced, exciting to watch, and full of high-flying offense. KD and Westbrook's combined 58 points led the Thunder to their first win of the season, but Rose's penetration, finishing around the basket, and silly-precise passing didn't make things easy for OKC's version of Batman and Robin. The avid fan should feel more than satisfied with this game after watching young, humble stars put on a show during prime time. And the casual fan got to witness plenty of play above the rim. Here are a few observations that stood out for me:

No Regard Daily Previews: 10-27-10

Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Chicago Bulls Vs. Oklahoma City Thunder

There is a lot on the line for the NBA's new golden boy, Kevin Durant, this season. He's been the recent recipient of some serious praise by fans and experts alike, as many believe that Durant will not only repeat as the NBA's leading scorer, but will also be the league's MVP. After watching his effort this summer, I'm inclined to agree with these arguments. Durant's the real deal Holyfield. And he's got the work ethic and attitude to dominate this year and beyond. I'll be a kid in a candy shop tonight getting my first look at him in an OKC uniform since losing to LA in six last year.

Team Dreamin' 2011: Sacramento Kings

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.


The Sacramento Kings are one of the NBA's hottest young teams. They've got a dynamic second-year guard in Tyreke Evans, an extremely promising rookie big man in DeMarcus Cousins, and several other youthful players--Carl Landry, Omri Casspi, Jason Thompson, Beno Udrih--whose best years lie ahead of them. This is a team that, five years from now, could become a a title contender, provided they continue to draft as well as they have.

But what about this year? How can the Kings become an instant frontrunner in the Western Conference, surpassing the Lakers as the team to beat? Well, it's actually quite simple:

Getting to Know the Rookies

Not really. These are actually the least revealing videos of all time. Oh really, DeMarcus Cousins, you thought you should have been a top-two pick? Oh really, Paul George, to be in the NBA is a blessing? Do you guys feel that? I think it's the earth shattering.

Also, I love how poor Ekpe Udoh is the only lottery pick to not have his own video. That Jeremy Lin looks innocent enough, but he's a goddamned scene-stealer, I tell you.

If You See Something, Say Something

IYSSSS is our semi-regular internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us atjewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

The Basketball Jones: We like Tyreke Evans. We like him a lot.  Frankly we're not sure if his bling (above) is a prank or a cry for help.  Either way, we're happy to join the speculation surrounding this misguided nick name.

True Hoop: Summer League always ends much faster than we ever expect it to. If you blinked anytime in the past two weeks, you probably missed a major stories from Orlando or Vegas.  Lucky for us, Kevin Arnovitz breaks it all down, giving us the Summer League that was.

FreeDarko:  At their best when attempting to explain what makes a player tick, FreeDarko takes on this year's Draft Bad Boy and Summer League Monster DeMarcus Cousins. 

Dime Mag:  People love lists and analogies, right? And people like baseball? Dime Mag attempts to compare some of our biggest NBA stars with guys who play baseball.  The results are hilarious and often batshit crazy.  Just go see who they think best compares to Derek Fisher.

Truth About It:  If you skipped over the True Hoop link because it involved the words Summer League, and that's not how you roll, check out this one highlight.  Remember the name  JaVale McGee come November, he's likely to make more than a few statement dunks this season.

Basketbawful: We've all seen this video before, but it just doesn't matter.