No Regard Employment Placement Services: Coach Avery Johnson

It's not our job to discuss whether the firing of Avery Johnson was a justifiable decision by Brooklyn. We are not here to talk tactics, x's and or o's, or if canning a dude who was awarded "Coach of the Month" a scant month ago is a strong move or selfish and fake by the Nets.

We are here to do what we do: lend a helping hand to a man we have never met, but who seems admirable and pleasant enough. What can we say, this is not the life we chose but rather the life that chose us.

So we have combed through link after link on the always-famous, forever-charitable craigslist.com to see what new jobs we can find for the recently sacked Coach Avery. Hopefully he can avoid those nasty lines for unemployment checks with our help.

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: DeMarcus Cousins

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.

Craigslist Posting

9/13/2011, Sacramento, CA, Solar Installer

"Seeking residential solar installer to work with established company. Position is based in Sacramento but territory covers all of northern California. Ideally candidate will have some solar experience or experience in traditional trades. Job requires a lot of travel. Candidate must be willing to stay out of town for most of the week. Duties will include but not limited to the following: Installing residential grid-tied photo-voltaic systems under supervision of lead installer. Organizing shop and assisting with shop duties when needed including receiving new shipments. Must have a good work ethic and able to stay on task until the job is done."

Why He Should Apply


Picture the following scenario for a hot minute: You're a California resident inspired by the nation's recent surge into the solar movement. You want to do your part to help prevent the earth from crumbling at the cruel hands of human-created global warming. So you decide to order solar panels for your house. It's a strong move. You feel good about it.

The next week the delivery truck pulls up, and who hops out? Yeah, DeMarcus Cousins, the feisty power forward on your favorite NBA team, the Sacramento Kings. Does he know what "grid-tied photo voltaic systems" are? Maybe not, but neither do you, right? So relax. Does he have a "good work ethic and can stay on task until a job is done"? you best your ass he can, Mr./Mrs. solar panel purchaser.

What He Should Wear to the Interview

Obviously.

NBA Player Placment Services: Kurt Thomas

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.

Craigslist Posting:
8/15/2011, Throughout Chicagoland, Buffalo Wild Wings Restaurant Managers

"If your a high-energy team player with at least 2 years of restaurant and bar management experience we want to hear from you."

Why He Should Apply:
This one is probably our best suggestion yet. When Scottie Pippen decided he was going transform his post-playing career into that of pitchman and spokesperson for Buffalo Wild Wings, No Regard, was tickled with joy. "It's a great place to watch a game," proclaimed Pippen after announcing his decision. With Pippen heavily in the fold, there's no stopping Thomas from running a successful and profitable Buffalo Wild Wings location throughout the Chicago area.

As for the "high energy-team player" aspect of the job posting, Kurt's resume speaks for itself. He may not have the required, "2 years of restaurant and bar management experience," but we're pretty sure that Kurt would land the interview; contacts are everything in the buffalo wing business.

What He Should Wear to the Interview:

I can't say I know who those other guys are, but I'm loving Kurt's purple shirt and jeans here.

NBA Player Placment Services: Glen Davis

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.
Craigslist Posting

7/20/2011, Pembroke, MA, Salon/Spa Positions

"Rapture Salon & Spa, in Pembroke Ma., is a modern, full service, upscale salon which has positions available for experienced hair stylist, esthetician and massage therapist who are professional and passionate about their trade. NEW LOCATION! Benefits available.

Looking for employment in an enthusiastic environment? Contact Heather at 781-829-0200. We look forward to meeting you!"
Why He Should Apply

Big Baby has always seeked employment in enthusiastic environments. He's a consummate professional and there is no questioning the passion he holds for his jobs.

Regarding the "experience" required as a hair stylist, esthetician (fuck if we know what that is) and massage therapist, I can only think to quote Neo from The Matrix as an appropriate way of articulating how much that drivel really matters to Glen Davis and his desire to work for Rapture Salon and Spa.

"Yeah, wow, that sounds like a really good deal. But I think I got a better one. How bout' I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call?"

What He Should Wear to the Interview

Handsome young man, Glen. Massage at will.

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: Marcin Gortat

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.

Craigslist Posting

7/18/2011, Scottsdale/Paradise Valley, Swimming Pool Service Repair Tech

"Must have experience and your own truck.
We have a pool route on Friday that we are looking to fill plus repairs.
Please send a resume or call 602-765-2948."

Why He Should Apply
When the Orlando Magic front office had a panic attack early last year and decided to gut their roster and ship half their team off to different cities in the U.S., one of athletes they moved was Marcin Gortat. Big mistake. Gortat was an absolute beast for the Suns in the latter half of the season. He's living proof that one man's trash is another man's treasure. And he'll do the same as a swimming pool service repair tech during this NBA lockout. We'll just assume that he definitely has "experience" fixing pools, and we know he can afford a truck.

What He Should Wear to the Interview

Pictures say a 1,000 words, Marcin.

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: Jeffrey Demarco Teague

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.

Craigslist Posting
 7/6/11, Atlanta, GA: Legal Secretary  

"Experienced Legal Secretary needed for growing law firm downtown. Must be extremely detailed, organized, flexible and must be able to hit the ground running. This position may require light billing. Ideal candidate will have a strong background in Insurance Defense. Must have experience with E-filing, Word, Outlook, Excel. Excellent benefits, location and salary."

Why He Should Apply


Jeffery Demarco Teague spent two years at the storied Wake Forest University. Since then, Teague's been known to hit the ground running, has a strong background in defense and knows how to play a position better than most.

The up-and-coming superstar is more than extremely detailed, organized and flexible.

He'll take the excellent benefits, location and salary, thank you very much. And we're not sure about his experience with E-filing, Word, Outlook, Excel, nor do we know if he has ever spent time working in a law office, or knows anything about law at all. So don't expect much as far as that gibberish is concerned.

What He Should Wear To The Interview

Yes, bring the jersey and hat along with the slick jacket and shirt combination. You're Jeff Teague, goddammit, a Legal Secretary.

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: Sasha Vujacic

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.


CRAIGSLIST POSTING: Dog-Walker (Hoboken, NJ)

"A Hoboken based pet care company is looking for a detail oriented, responsible and committed individual to join our dog walking team!


Must be able to work Monday - Friday typically from 10:30 -- 5:30, although there are occasional evening and weekend walks. This is a long-term commitment (6mos. minimum). Great opportunity for a student, musician, or artist!


Must be willing to work during rain, snow, heat and humidity. Animal lover and comfort with dogs of all sizes is crucial. Previous professional experience as a dog walker is NOT required. We train!


Please send a detailed e-mail about yourself, your history with animals, your reasons for wanting to be a dog walker, your qualifications and references. There will be a background check. Please send a phone number where you can be reached."

Why He Should Apply

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: Stephen Curry

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling. 


Craigslist Posting: SF Bay Area, Line Cook - The tipsy PIG (marina/cow hollow)

"Looking for a line cook who has 2 years experience at a highly competitive well known restaurant . Fast past kitchen. Must be organized, clean, fast and detail oriented. Must be a team player. Serve safe a plus. Open schedule. Must be able to work both days, nights and weekends.


Thank you


please only serious career oriented cooks need apply." 

Why He Should Apply

I'm not sure if you follow Steph Curry on Twitter but I do and I've noticed a serious trend in his tweets as of late: So many of them are about food. For instance: "Bomb steak..." Or what about: "Bout to get physical with this club sandwich and afternoon nap." Sure, Steph may not have the necessary "2 years experience" as a line cook, but we certainly can confirm that Steph is organized, clean, fast and detailed oriented. Team player? You bet your ass, team player. Steph Curry represents the definition of "team player." Open weekends, days and nights? He is now.

What He Should Wear To The Interview

 Fun, casual, professional, pinstripe pants. You'll be grilling burgers in no time, Steph!