Team Dreamin' 2011: WIZARDS (Bullets)

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

Much to the dismay of many No Regard staffers, the Washington Wizards got the first overall draft pick this year and snatched up star-ready John Wall. Rewind to last December and remember a time where the future was not so bright for basketball in the District. A dark cloud hovered over local superstar Gilbert Arenas and his season-ending suspension for carrying firearms to work. With the loss of veteran sharp-shooter Mike Miller to the Heat, now more than ever, the Wizards need Gil to return to form and dominate offensively alongside the young sensation Wall. How then, can the Wiz make sure Gil feels comfortable returning to play with his teammates after such and ugly incident?

The Wizards can change their name back to the Washington Bullets.

Team Dreamin' 2011: HEAT

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

The meeting of the minds down in South Beach spelled very bad news for Erik Spoelstra. Entering his third season as head coach and personal seat warmer for Pat Riley, Spoelstra has the misfortunate distinction of being 39 years old and still looking like a cub scout. To the man standing before the basketball world like a kid at a spelling bee, we offer some advice:

Erik, grow a mustache.

All-$tar Games

In honor of Tuesday night's MLB All-Star game, which has the exciting distinction of not being the Pro Bowl, I'm thinking about what this NBA offseason means for the League's relationship to those two inferior sports.

We all know that the NFL is supposedly the ultimate model of sports parity, with its rigid salary cap and careful scheduling. The MLB, on the other hand, is the place where owners can build dynasties by picking up the top free agents and adding them to already strong lineups, leaving teams like the Orioles to be all but forgotten.

For years, the NBA has existed as some sort of middle ground. There are salary caps that, though not as strict as the NFL's, prevent teams from building Yankees-like star magnets. But with powerful GMs and a long season that gives fewer opportunities for upset playoff teams, it has also been given to the kinds of dynasties that we think of when we think about baseball.

After this summer, we may need an entirely new category for the kind of polarity we will see in the NBA. What the Heat--as well as the Lakers, Celtics, Magic, and several other teams--have done is figure out how to overload on talent while staying within the salary cap. These teams have done so by promising incoming players the chance to win, thereby cementing their reputations and increasing their future market value. This is all well and good, I suppose. A combination of free market gluttony and individual sacrifice. Fine.

But what the hell is it all going to look like?

Bibby's World: Is Rain Sexy?

Don't know how we locked this down, but we'd like to introduce you to No Regard's newest blogging sensation... Mike Bibby! He'll be checking in whenever he can, just to remind us: It's Bibby's World, we just live in it! 

Recently, many of my fans have been asking me about my thoughts on rain's romantic potency, so I thought I'd write a post about it. It's an interesting subject that I can shed absolutely no scientific light on, but I will tackle it with the best of my abilities...

Team Dreamin' 2011: CELTICS

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

We miss Antoine Walker.  Though his career ended quietly and without fanfare, the absence of our lovably delusional shooter and purveyor of the shimmy makes the league feel empty.   After quite a bit of hard luck, a few burglaries, and a lot of gambling, the 'Toine has gone and declared bankruptcy. But all is not lost. Recently we heard he's working with Rick Pitino on a comeback.  Frankly we'd like to help that out any way we can, which is why we think the Boston Celtics should re-sign Antoine Walker.

But trust us, our idea gets way crazier.

Same Day Freight

Yesterday afternoon the Dallas Mavericks made history by dumping what is known unequivocally as the worst contract in team history. Center and lamppost Erick Dampier, whose 7-year contract has 1 year remaining at a staggering 13.1 million dollars, will be successfully delivered to the Charlotte Bobcats in return for actual basketball players. Tyson Chandler and Alexis Ajinca will arrive in exchange for Eduardo Najera, Matt Carol and the Big Man from Mississippi.

(Pictured: Dampier not blocking)

Shortly after the deal was signed, I spoke with my brother in Dallas.  I could barely hear him over the screams of elation as people ran wild in the streets of Big D and did their damndest to show up Madrid and Barcelona in the contest for most destructive celebration riot.  Our conversation went roughly as follows:

If You See Something, Say Something

[Photo Credit: Kristyna Wentz-Graff]

IYSSSS is our semi-regular Internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Milwaukee Journal Sentinel [via NBA Off-Season]: I promise that two of those feet in that picture above belong to a mascot, and the other two belong to Brandon Jennings. And, I promise that if you click this link, you will see pictures of the two of them engaging in silly string warfare. Pinky swear.

ESPN's "SportsNation": No doubt that Simmons is a polarizing figure, and for good reason. But there's no denying that when he hits—whether in writing, podcasting, whatever—it's normally thunderous. His spoof of "The Decision" is no different. And anything with Michelle Beadle is the best.

Advertising Age: An inside baseball look at how "The Decision" came to be. Interesting for sure, but you've got to admit it's a little creepy just how excited Ari Emanuel is about the whole affair.

NBA Off-Season: A kind suggestion to LeBron that the journey to restoring his image should begin with entering the Dunk Contest. Which I fully co-sign, since his act of backing out of last year's contest was when the evil began creeping in anyway.

TrueHoop: And now, for me at least, away from LeBron and back to Summer League. If you didn't catch the T-Wolves game yesterday, John Krolik (of the classy Cavs: The Blog) breaks down Wesely Johnson's debut. Sounds like the kid's got patience, already knows his role and carries a few wows in his back pocket. Basically his play mirrors his appearance.

Slam Online: I'll take any excuse to post this video, because it's an era-defining moment. Young Iverson making the world tremble, setting history books ablaze.

Team Dreamin' 2011: NETS

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

It's no secret that the Nets are having trouble filling their roster. Jay, Prokhorov and Co. whiffed so hard on LeBron it would have embarrassed the Mighty Casey. David Lee realized he could never live in New Jersey with this photo drifting around the internet, and it's been rumored that Carlos Boozer is still laughing at the Nets' offer.


Well sports fans, that was it. New Jersey ran through Plans A, B, and C, and have made it all the way down to Plan K. By this we mean Kevin Daley, aka Special K, the superstar of your friendly neighborhood Harlem Globetrotters.

Yes, that's right. For the 2010-2011 season, the Nets should sign a Harlem Globetrotter.