No Regard Presidential Previews: Philadelphia 76ers (Thomas Jefferson)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." - Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson has a rather interesting place in presidential history. From what I can tell, people tend to think of him as a great American more than a great president. He peaked early, way before becoming President in 1801, as the main author of that classic 1776 title, the Declaration of Independence. Before his election, he was also a member of the Continental Congress, a diplomat in Paris, the first Secretary of the State of the U.S. and a Vice President. His resume was stacked when he came into office, but it seems he wasn't quite happy to be known as merely a great American. He wanted to be the top dog.

The Philadelphia 76ers are a team with a long, great history. Three championships. Erving, Barkley, Iverson, Malone, Chamberlain, Stackhouse (only kind of kidding). At this point, they could pretty much rest on their laurels if they wanted to. Turns out, though, that basketball franchises, like politicians, are always hungry for more glory. So after a decade of being decent but failing to live up to the glow of their legacy, the Sixers got a little crazy over the offseason in an attempt to make like Jefferson and reach even higher levels than they ever have before. They did so by trading away longtime centerpiece and jack-of-all-trades Andre Iguodala in a four-team deal that brought Andrew Bynum in from his discontented perch in Los Angeles.

It was the kind of move that is made by a team that needs to shake things up not because they're in the cellar but because they're trying to hang out in the attic. Bynum is a player who can turn a team into a championship contender; he's one of the game's dominant post players and he's young enough that he may even get better. But he is also a player who can cause a lot of heartache. His health is a serious concern, having already needed knee surgery in the past and now battling a bone bruise in the same area that has him out indefinitely to start his campaign in Philly.

Temporarily playing without Bynum will be a good test for the rest of the team. Can Jrue Holiday and Evan Turner become one of the league's top young backcourt duos? Holiday will do his part, but Turner needs to be more aggressive this year. Will Nick Young and Dorell Wright take smart shots? No, but if they make them, that's okay. Will Spencer Hawes and Thaddeus Young be able to provide adequate support for Bynum down low? They should be able to, but holding it down when he's out will be another story.

Everything will have to go very much right for the Sixers to reap the kind of rewards they're hoping for from their offseason shuffling. If it does, it could be the start of a very successful period at the top, an icing on history's cake as sweet as presidency must have been for Jefferson—a legacy move, so to speak. If it doesn't, it could damage the reputation they've built up over the decades as much as knowledge of Jefferson's slave ownership has called his merits into question over time.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Chansey

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Bynum Walks Out on Crutches"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "NBA Forces Bynum to Cut Afro After Complaints of Distraction"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Nick, why didn't you tell me you were gonna wear that shirt, too? This is awkward."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Utah Jazz (George H. W. Bush)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"We are not the sum of our possessions." - George H. W. Bush

The Jazz are very promising, but as of three weeks ago, a group of nine NBA fanatics in Brooklyn struggled to name the team’s two starting guards.

“Mo Williams!” someone shouted after 90 seconds. Yes! We were progress embodied! Forward. Another 90 seconds; harder than we expected. We named Jeremy Evans, acknowledged Devin Harris’ departure and joked about John Stockton like a college sophomore at a Skidmore open mic night. Another two minutes and nothing. We moved on. Progress.

Look, I still haven’t looked up who that other starting guard is. I promise this is true. Also true is that while writing this, I’m listening to Drake’s “Miss Me” and Lil Wayne just said “Young Money Jerry Sloan.” *drops mic*

*picks up mic again because you came here to read a preview*

Bush 41 once referred to presidential foresight and overall plan as “the vision thing.” His non-strategy served him well for much of his career, but couldn’t get him a second term. Utah’s rushed plan to trade Deron Williams before he caused a scene and they lost him for nothing worked in the short term. But now they’re left with a thousand bigs (Jefferson, Favors, Kanter, Milsap) and Marvin Williams. If Kevin O'Connor can summon a touch of “the vision thing” and turn one or two of those tall guys into other, more form-fitting pieces, this team will get that second term and become a serious contender. If they don’t, then they might as well start building that presidential library of mediocrity. Which is fine too I guess. Not really going to lose any sleep over this.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Ninetales



Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Is Paul Milsap An All-Star?"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Jerry Sloan Buys Season Courtside Seats, Heckles"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Ok, dish: What did Deron say to Jerry?"

No Regard Presidential Previews: New Orleans Hornets (Franklin D. Roosevelt)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"The country needs and, unless I mistake its temper, the country demands bold, persistent experimentation. It is common sense to take a method and try it: If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, widely considered one of the greatest presidents in U.S. history, was the kind of man who was willing to put all his chips down on a big solution. When FDR took office in 1933, the country was in the midst of the Great Depression, with American citizens feeling hopeless, not knowing where to turn to get their lives back to normal. He quickly began implementing his New Deal, a set of policies that he hoped would create jobs and encourage spending. There's a lot of debate about how effective the New Deal was; some say the policies were ineffective and poorly planned for the long term, and that despite job growth through 1937, the return to recession in the years following proves that FDR's plan was not the panacea it is often thought to have been. It's clear that the New Deal was an immediate, positive burst out of a Depression, but harder to say how much positive impact it had beyond that. Could it have worked better? Could another dip a few years later have been avoided somehow? Who knows. What history remembers is that the United States was in much better shape in 1934 than it was in 1932, and that a few years after that, an unprecedented war would change the game once again.

The New Orleans Hornets are a team not unfamiliar with adversity. After the tragic Hurricane Katrina (geez, what timing) struck their city in August 2005, the Hornets temporarily relocated to Oklahoma City. Although attendance was significantly higher in OKC than in the 2004-2005 season in New Orleans, they were still a team without a real home. It couldn't have been easy for anyone in the organization to deal with an additional level of transience. Upon returning to New Orleans in 2007-2008, the Hornets had a triumphant season, winning the Southwest Division, going to the second round of the playoffs and playing the role of host team for a celebration-filled All-Star weekend. This resiliency came on the back of Chris Paul, the best player the Hornets have ever had. For those first couple seasons back in NOLA, with him in control, things had a bit of a Roaring '20s kind of feel.

But then, before last season, heartache came again when Paul demanded a trade and was shipped off to the Clippers in exchange for Eric Gordon, Chris Kaman, Al-Farouq Amino and a draft pick. Those are fine enough players, but even as a package, those guys can't come close to matching the impact of the top point guard in the league. It was a rough year for the Hornets, who finished 21-45, good for the worst record in the Western Conference. The dancing days were over and things looked as dark and depressing as the Hoover years.

The bright side of that season was, of course, the fact that the Hornets won the draft lottery and were granted the first pick this past June. With it, they made the only decision possible: Draft Anthony Davis. Davis is a Big Idea of a player, a defensive monster who has the potential to change the way the game is played on that end. All of New Orleans' chips are down on him—he is their New Deal.

The trendy prediction over the last few months seems to be that Davis will be a bust, that he doesn't have the offensive weapons or a strong enough body to be a true franchise player in the NBA. [Ed. - I've not seen this predictions.] Don't believe the anti-hype. We've never seen a player who can cover so much ground as quickly or with as much length as Davis can. Opponents of the Kentucky Wildcats who thought they had open perimeter shots quickly found out that when playing against AD, there is really no such thing. He will get there, and he will likely keep the ball in bounds to set up a transition basket.

I have faith in this man, but he won't be able to do it all himself. Luckily, the Hornets are already starting to build a solid supporting cast. Gordon has a lot of potential and if he stays healthy, he could become an All-Star level shooting guard. Offseason acquisitions Robin Lopez and Ryan Anderson are nice pieces: Lopez should be a good, experienced backup for Davis and Anderson has shown that he is one of the league's most dangerous outside threats. Things will get interesting at the point guard position, where Greivis Vasquez will have to fight off what I think will be a serious starting rotation threat from Austin Rivers. The team is noticeably weak at the three, with Aminu currently in possession of the starting spot over Hakim Warrick and another Kentucky rookie, Darius Miller. Miller, a four-year Wildcat and last year's SEC Sixth Man of the Year, may be starting before long.

The Hornets dumped a lot of players before this season, most notably Kaman, Trevor Ariza and Gustavo Ayon. If you take Davis out of the equation, they would be a weaker team than last year. With him there, though, they are a team not to ignore, one that has an outside but legitimate chance at a playoff spot. While there's some debate about how much credit we can give FDR's New Deal, if the Hornets can become a serious player in the West, there will be no question that Davis is the man to thank.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Onix

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Davis Had a Bad Game: Is He a Bust?"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Anonymous Angel Donates Knees to Eric Gordon"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "What's up with the t-shirt under the jersey? Are you ashamed of what I gave you?"

No Regard Presidential Previews: Cleveland Cavaliers (James Garfield)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“There can be no permanent disenfranchised peasantry in the United States.” - James Garfield

Despite serving eight terms in the House of Representatives, James Garfield's rise was seen as meteoric, as the son of a local wrestler became the first president ever elected directly from the House. Garfield's term was short-lived but eventful, somehow fitting in Civil Service Reform, a Naval modernization bill, a trade treaty with Madagascar, a Supreme Court appointment, placement of African Americans to prominent government posts and some economic stuff I don't understand into only 200 days. On July 2, 1881, Garfield was shot by a psychotic stalker and died from related complications that September.

James Garfield's presidency, as the Cavs contender status, seemed to end as quickly as it started. Over two years later, it is impossible to mentally separate the Cavaliers from "The Decision," possibly history's most ill-advised TV special. The Cavaliers, previously most famous for being on the receiving end of Jordan-over-Ehlo in 1989, rose to prominence in the mid-2000s on the back of local wunderkind LeBron Raymone James. With five playoff appearances in a row, two number one seeds, one NBA Finals trip and an additional Conference Finals exit, Cleveland enjoyed a quick rise from the lottery to being a perennial contender. Then "The Decision" happened. A team that had only two home losses in '08-'09 and was the top seed again the following year immediately fell back to irrelevancy at the bottom of the Eastern Conference. It happened so fast it feels like it never happened at all.

Even a metal detector specially invented by Alexander Graham Bell couldn't locate the bullet in the 20th President's body and save his life. However, modern medicine (or maybe it was a trade with the Clippers, it was probably the trade with the Clippers) was able to give the Cavs a modicum of hope. The Cavs traded Mo Williams to LA's B-squad for Baron Davis and a first rounder and, wouldn't ya know, that pick turned out to be number one overall (on a separate note, Baron Davis's last action in a Clipper uniform was throwing a pass out of the sunroof of a Kia Optima). The Cavs chose Uncle Drew Kyrie Irving, added Tristan Thompson three picks later and a new core was formed.

As exciting as the spectacular Irving is, it's hard not to read the Cavs roster and think "who?" every third or fourth name. Anderson Varejao is the highest-paid player on the team and Luke Walton, so far removed from the glory days of Laker women, is second on the list. Varejao might start for a contender, but Walton has been on contenders before and didn't get a ton of (on-court) action. There is vague hope for the future, but this isn't really a team to get excited about yet. There will be a lot of double-digit losses and probably another lottery appearance, but at least they have a future. At least the assassination, unlike Garfield's, didn't go as planned.


Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Diglett


Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Irving Looking to Make 'The Leap'"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Cavs Offer Five Minutes of Game Time to Local Tall Dude, Fans Mistake Him for Actual Cavs Benchwarmer"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Oh yeah, some jerk on ESPN wearing a purple checkered shirt said you might be coming."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Milwaukee Bucks (James Monroe)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“It is only when the people become ignorant and corrupt, when they degenerate into a populace, that they are incapable of exercising their sovereignty.” - James Monroe


James Monroe was a Founding Father of the United States. A great patriot, he was elected in a landslide in 1816 after serving as a U.S. Senator, Governor of Virginia and Ambassador to France. His diplomacy skills would be needed domestically during his time in office, as the sectional dispute over Missouri's admittance to the union threatened to rip the country apart. A great compromise was reached, allowing the delicate balance of the nation to continue for a few more decades before the South seceded. 

The Milwaukee Bucks, by all accounts, have been a below average franchise over the past decade or so. Since the departures of Ray Allen and George Karl in 2003, the Bucks have mired in mediocrity. As Monroe's most important moments arguably came before his Presidency in keeping European interests out of the new nation and participating in the founding of the United States, the Bucks' greatest moments came decades ago, when a squad led by legends Oscar Robertson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (then Lew Alcindor) swept the Baltimore Bullets for the title in the Bucks' third year of existence. The past several seasons in Milwaukee have been more reflective of Monroe's post-presidential years, which were marred by personal financial problems and the sale of his plantation, but his name remains among the most influential of his time.

As previously mentioned, the fifth President of the United States had the momentous task of reconciling the admission of Missouri as a slave state to the union without losing control of the senate by adding two more slave-state members. To hedge against this, Monroe admitted Maine (then a satellite region of Massachusetts) as a free state, thus maintaining the balance of power in the country. The new-look Bucks face a balancing act of their own, with shoot-first backcourt mates Monta Ellis and No Regard Favorite Brandon Jennings lending new meaning to "not enough basketballs." Ellis was acquired in exchange for former #1 overall pick Andrew Bogut, his disfigured arms and all-time headcase Stephen Jackson, who has a large tattoo of a handgun on his chest and a brand new track out with Kevin Durant. Coach Scott Skiles will have to find enough touches for Ellis and Jennings while keeping them happy, or it's another season where nobody Fears the Deer. 

The Monroe Doctrine announced America's intent to stay neutral in European affairs, intending to let the new country develop on its own rather than asserting influence on the rest of the world. Ellis, Jennings, Ekpe Udoh and rookie John Henson will need to grow together quickly to assert themselves into the affairs of the rest of the Eastern Conference and become relevant again. This team has the look of a squad that will hover just below .500, but get a random 12-point win in Boston or Miami and temporarily scare the croup out of the rest of the conference. Can the young Bucks (too easy) grow together and contend for the 8th seed in the East, becoming the Team You Don't Want to Face? Will Ellis and Jennings be able to share the ball and remain effective? Why is Beno Udrih making $7 million for this team?

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Doduo



Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Dalembert Provides Quiet Leadership"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Alien vs. Marquis Daniels Flops at Box Office"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Oh yeah you guys took the Hawks to seven games a couple years ago. I forgot about you guys!"

Business as Unusual

photo courtesy CBS Boston

Hey everybody. We hope you're all okay. Things are obviously pretty crazy on the East Coast right now, and it's not the least awkward time to talk about sports. But whether we're ready for it or not, the NBA season starts tonight. We're all safe over here, and we're excited to have basketball back. Of course, as we watch tonight, we'll have much else on our minds, and our hearts go out to everyone who has no power, no cable, no home, or no time to think about games because they have much more serious things about which to worry. For those of us who are lucky, let's be extra grateful about our good fortune, about our ability to live a "normal" life full of LeBron triple-doubles, Rondo needle thread passes, Kyrie blossoming, John Wall speed, Dirk cheering from the bench, and a new era of villainy in Los Angeles. It's going to be a good night for some, a rough night for others, but here's hoping that the new season makes each of our lives better or easier to get through, if only slightly.

No Regard Presidential Previews: New York Knicks (George W. Bush)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - George W. Bush

When we first came up with the idea to link presidents to teams for our NBA season previews, it didn't take long for a sense of dread to come over me. I was very much looking forward to fleshing this whole thing out, of course, but I also knew that there'd have to be a discussion I very much wished to avoid: that of who to pair with my Knicks.

The idea of W. was not mine, and at first, I fought it hard. I had lots of reasons for why we just couldn't make that comparison. The Knicks are a decent team, and W. was a terrible president (objective journalism!). The Knicks are an historically flashy team in one of the country's most liberal cities; W. was a "good ol' boy" who gave shape to much of the conservative, anti-"urban elitist" rhetoric that has dominated the right over the past four-plus years. The Knicks are an endlessly frustrating, reactionary, often bumbling team owned by a megalomaniac who... shit, wait a second.

I soon realized that there was no escaping this. The emotions that race through my body when I think back to the week after November 2, 2004—sadness, anger, hopelessness—are very similar to the emotions I wake up with every day as a Knicks fan. James Dolan, the team's infamous owner, has a sadistic knack for spitting in the face of logic and evidence and making decisions that should be seen as illegal. To outsiders, Dolan's reign can appear as an exercise in comic incompetence; ha, another dumb decision, silly guy! We on the frontlines of the War Against Happiness know, however, that he is not just a dunce who knocks everything over as he stumbles across the floor. He is a dangerous man who puts politics above the well-being of his subjects and who has the ability to inflict damage that will outlast him. While you could say the same for just about any president, W. lived those principles to the extreme.

So now, here I am, on the wrong side of the second term, wondering how the hell I let this—my Knicks fandom—last this long, how I allowed my life to be dictated by this jerk for the foreseeable future. I made this bed, James Dolan shat in it, and now I have to lie in a bed with a bunch of James Dolan's shit.

What about this year, though? Does it hold promise that things will be easier to get through, that my disappointment will be tempered? It's possible, but I doubt it. The health of Tyson Chandler and Amar'e Stoudemire are both in question, to the extent that Rasheed Wallace has been told to report for duty. Letting Jeremy Lin fly the coop and bringing in Raymond "The Felch" Felton and backup Jason Kidd is not a terrible basketball move, but neither one of those guys will be an X-factor, even if Felton returns to his previous Knicks-era level of production. Our shoot-em-up bench players, Steve Novak and J.R. Smith, will not see as many open looks as last year, both because defenses know not to leave them alone and Felton and Kidd don't have the ability to draw in defenses as well as Lin did.

The two players who, for my money, will decide the fate of the Knicks this year are Iman Shumpert and Carmelo Anthony. When Sophomore Shump returns from injury around January, he will hopefully bring the kind of defensive guard intensity he showed during his freshman campaign, the kind that straight up wins ball games down the stretch. Along with Chandler, he makes the Knicks a team that can score off turnovers, which they'll need to do. (For now, he'll continue harassing Andray Blatche.)

Of course, Carmelo Anthony is the man with the real weight of the world on his shoulders. Melo, as the only completely healthy star on the Knicks November 1 roster, will be the undisputed center of the team's offense, a role he relishes. If he can use the opportunity to become a true leader at both ends of the court, the Knicks could flourish along with him. But he will be working without much help for at least a month, and even though some might say he likes it that way, there's no denying that the Knicks cannot rely on him alone for too extended a period of time. I wish I were more confident that the team would be able to get off to a hot enough start to keep them in the mix into the spring, but I've learned that optimism is toxic for Knicks fans.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Voltorb

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "[Knicks Suck Pun]!"- New York Post

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Video: Shumpert and Blatche Pushing Fight Caught on Subway!"- WorldStarHipHop

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Sorry James, you can't come in."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Denver Nuggets (John Quincy Adams)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.” - John Quincy Adams

While he would never be as famous or well-remembered as his father, John Quincy Adams was a fantastic diplomat and a surprisingly progressive president. Elected in 1824 after a highly successful eight-year stint as Secretary of State that included acquiring Florida from Spain and authoring the Monroe Doctrine, John Quincy Adams opposed slavery and pushed for the modernization of American infrastructure.

The Nuggets were not supposed to matter after Carmelo Anthony forced a trade to the Knicks. Denver was destined to become Cleveland West, acquiring Danilo Gallinari, Wilson Chandler, Raymond Felton and others for Melo, Chauncey Billups and others. Well, Gallinari turned into a star, Ty Lawson began coming of age and the Nuggets drafted Kenneth Faried and traded for JaVale McGee, two phenomenal physical specimens.

An incredible diplomat, Adams was known for working peacefully with leaders around the world. The Nuggets seem to be willing to trade with pretty much anyone. This summer, after already shipping Nene to Washington for McGee, Denver dealt Arron Afflalo and Al Harrington for Andre Iguodala, another incredibly athletic, hard-working player to lead their young team. A team that took the Lakers to seven games in the first round the year after trading the biggest star in franchise history is only getting better. Where John Quincy Adams was a sneaky-good leader of the free world, the Nuggets are a sleeper team that could make noise in the Western Conference for years to come.

Will the young, upstart Nuggets continue to grow under super-coach George Karl? Will GM Masai Ujiri stir things up once more? Can the Nuggets reach the second round?

(On a separate note, do yourself a favor and search YouTube for "JaVale McGee dumb plays" you won't be disappointed. Keep in mind, this man is getting paid $10 million this year.)

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Zapdos

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Andre Miller a Great Teacher for Lawson"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Stuff JaVale Bought"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Why are you here? I thought you couldn't be killed."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Washington Wizards (William Howard Taft)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“I do not know much about politics, but I am trying to do the best I can with this administration until the time shall come for me to turn it over to somebody else.” - William H. Taft


William Howard Taft did not care about politics. He didn't know the system, didn't appoint the right people to the right positions within his party and didn't care about any of it. More than anything, Big Bill wanted to be a Supreme Court justice. Taft lucked into the presidency by gaining 159 more electoral votes than opponent William Jennings Bryan, but got only 51 percent of the popular vote. Four years later, in 1912, Taft won only eight electoral votes and suffered the worst defeat of an incumbent president in American history. In 1921 he got his wish of being named Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, so there's that.

The Washington Wizards do not make sense. The "glory years" of early playoff exits are long over. The Verizon Center has not been a fun place to be since $111 million dollar man Gilbert deemed it necessary to pack heat and the Gil-Tuff Juice-Antawn Jamison core was split up. Our nation's capital has featured a heavy dose of Andray Blatche getting booed, Nick Young and Jordan Crawford shooting within three seconds of touching the ball, questionable trades and an incredibly slow maturation process for John Wall.

Taft, by all accounts our fattest and most epically mustached President, wanted badly to lower tariffs despite Congress' unwillingness to go along with it. His own party was also against it, thus alienating all sides. Willing to trade seemingly anyone for anything, the Wizards turned a ton of guaranteed cap space in Rashard Lewis into the bloated deals of Emeka Okafor and Trevor Ariza. Okafor was brought in for veteran leadership while Ariza appears to be completely disinterested and has changed teams seven times in nine years. GM Ernie Grunfeld defended the move by saying free agents do not want to sign with the Wizards, so he had to do something. If you want to alienate both the players and fans, saying nobody would want to play with or for them is a pretty good start. If that's your thought process, you should not be an NBA general manager. (Also, what's he talking about? DC ain't half bad! It's at absolute worst the 11th best NBA city to live in.)

Our 27th President had his moments—helping to economically support Latin American countries using "Dollar Diplomacy," resisted unnecessary involvement in the Mexican Revolution and generally urged world peace. The Wizards, though not ready to actually compete for a playoff spot, have rid themselves of immature headcases Andray Blatche, Nick Young and JaVale McGee and replaced them with Okafor and Nene, two respected professionals. This is actually kind of a grown-up team now, and having responsible veterans around will help in the development of John Wall (once he gets healthy) and youngsters Bradley Beal and Jan Vesely.

Purchasing tickets to see this team appeals to me about as much as a trip to the William Howard Taft National Historic Site in Cincinnati, but they won't be the laughingstock Taft was that one time he got stuck in the bathtub and told his aides to use butter to get him out. If Taft can lose 80 pounds after being President and achieve his dream of being Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, the Wizards may one day get back into playoff contention (hopefully re-branded back to the Bullets).

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Koffing

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Ernie Grunfeld Still Not Yet Fired"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Jannero Pargo, Earl Barron Still in NBA"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Sorry JaVale and Nick weren't allowed to play with you anymore. I know you guys had fun at your laser tag birthday parties."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Golden State Warriors (Harry S. Truman)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Being too good is apt to be uninteresting." - Harry S. Truman

There have been two great upsets in the past 100 years: incumbent Harry S. Truman defeating Thomas Dewey and the "We Believe" Golden State Warriors defeating the top-seeded Dallas Mavericks in the 2007 playoffs.

Truman's 36 percent approval rating at the time was much higher than the chances anyone was giving the Warriors. But both fighters reached for and fully committed to their progressive morals to pull out their inspirational wins. Truman risked alienating many of his more socially conservative supporters by advocating sweeping civics rights reform; coach Don Nelson bit his thumb at traditional positions and ran out whatever five guys his Scotch-soaked mind grapes deemed worthy. Both wins were historic in their underdog status. "Dirk Defeats Baron" and all that.

But following this truly reformative victory, the Warriors have thus far squandered their second term. Baron's gone, Mayor Stephen Jackson is back where he's needed, Ellis was exiled, Nelson fled to Hawaii. The restocking fee? Untested coach Mark Jackson, unfruitful David Lee, unshaven Andrew Bogut and un-ankled Steph Curry. Look, I'm skipping around a bit here, folding time to help the narrative. But really, nothing's been happening at the Oracle since 2007.

This year, though, there is optimism. The roster is good and practical. Steph and Bogut should be a forceful offensive inside-out combo and Bogut is probably the second best defensive center. (But they should both also get the words "Barring Injury" tattooed on their chests.) Second-year guard Klay Thompson is primed to have a modest breakout and score 18 points a game. Harrison Barnes probably has some dope business cards all printed up. Jarrett Jack will soak up all those juicy Steph Curry missed games with his whole grain back-up point guard baguette. And then there are also other NBA players on the team, but who has an endless amount of time to type all of their names? No one, that's who.

Harry Truman's daughter Margaret was a singer. After a particularly scathing review of one show, he penned a letter to the critic:

Mr. Hume: 

I've just read your lousy review of Margaret's concert. I've come to the conclusion that you are an "eight ulcer man on four ulcer pay."

It seems to me that you are a frustrated old man who wishes he could have been successful. When you write such poppy-cock as was in the back section of the paper you work for it shows conclusively that you're off the beam and at least four of your ulcers are at work. 

Some day I hope to meet you. When that happens you'll need a new nose, a lot of beefsteak for black eyes, and perhaps a supporter below! 

Pegler, a gutter snipe, is a gentleman alongside you. I hope you'll accept that statement as a worse insult than a reflection on your ancestry. 

H.S.T.

You know Mark Jackson would do the same for his guys.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers:

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Electabuzz

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Curry, Bogut Sidelined Again"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Andris Biedrins Goes 10-10 From The Line"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "You just went right ahead and claimed the state's nickname for your own use? Strong move."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Minnesota Timberwolves (Chester Arthur)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Good ballplayers make good citizens." - Chester A. Arthur

When Chester A. Arthur took office in 1881, people were expecting disappointment. As the successor to the assassinated James Garfield, Arthur was seen as a product of the New York political machine, someone who would bring corruption and backdoor dealings to the White House. On top of that, Arthur's health was fragile; he was diagnosed with a kidney disease shortly after assuming the job. All in all, things didn't look promising.

But four years later, when he left office, Arthur had cemented himself as perhaps one of the most likable and level-headed presidents in U.S. history. He enacted civil service reform laws to put and end to the spoils system. He pushed Congress to roll back their Chinese exclusion immigration bill, which was a really dickish bill. He also fought a dickish Congress and Supreme Court on several anti-Black measures. Through all this, he worked hard to compromise with opposing Democrats while standing up for his beliefs. Like Obama, he was unable to pass all the liberal measures he desired to, because politics is a pain in the ass, but he was simply way more effective and honorable than just about anybody thought he would be. He ended his term as a resounding success.

Now I could tell you some of the ways in which the Minnesota Timberwolves align with the Chester Arthur I've talked about above (fine, I will): they and their fans are gearing up for disappointment, largely due to the health concerns of Kevin Love and Ricky Rubio (the latter much longer-term); they certainly don't want to limit immigration; they will likely perform better than most people think they will—despite the injuries, there are some nice new pieces like Andrei "Back in America" Kirilenko, Brandon Roy, and Chase "Puffy" Budinger, as well as some solid frontcourt returns in Greg Stiemsma, Derrick Williams and Nikola Pekovic.  This is a team that will, I believe, leave us saying "Hey, that wasn't so bad!" at the end of the season.

Those things are not really the meat of this comparison, though. The meat of this comparison is that Chester A. Arthur is simply the presidential spirit animal of the Timberwolves, with their goofy, quasi-hippie bro of a star player in Love and their overall quirkiness. Here are some things you should know about Arthur that are arguably more important than any of his actual policies:

• He had AMAZING facial hair
• Once, when he was feeling sick, he decided to take a two-week restorative vacation to Yellowstone, where he probably did opium or something I bet
• He played the banjo(!)

Just tell me he wouldn't have a good time with this guy:

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers:

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Machop

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "The Minnesota Timberwolves Have a Lot of White Players"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Mike Love Names Kevin Love as the Sole New Beach Boys Member"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "You guys wanna jam?"

No Regard Presidential Previews: Memphis Grizzlies (Benjamin Harrison)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Great lives never go out; they go on." - Benjamin Harrison

Zach Randolph and his Memphis Grizzles made a serious name for themselves when they crushed the San Antonio Spurs as the eighth seed in the 2011 playoffs. The NBA landscape was officially shocked—the old guard from Texas had been taken to task by a bunch of upstarts from Tennessee. Underdogs everywhere gained swag and the world once again seemed like a place where the mighty could fall and the unexpected was possible. 

Benjamin Harrison raised his metaphorical middle finger to the bullies of big business when he signed the Sherman Anti-Trust Act. No longer could corporate fat cats monopolize the free market without opposition from the United States Government: a huge victory for the little guy that remains intact today. Harrison also fought for voting and education rights for African Americans, a discussion that dulled after his presidency until the 1930s. 

The Grizzlies' roller-coaster fairytale ride sadly came to a painful halt when OKC downed the hopes of bandwagon fans everywhere in a hotly contested seven game series. But the future was bright for Marc Gasol and company. In 2012, they would take the next step. Or would they? The tragic injury of the reborn Z-Bo put a damper on the regular season. His half-hearted return was genuine, but he was clearly no longer the rebounding and scoring machine he was the year prior. Memphis fell at the hands of glitter and alley-oops in the first round of the playoffs.

America's economic climate quickly made things very awkward for Harrison and his attempted re-election. All that tariff malarkey apparently made imported goods pretty damn expensive; it seemed like all of Washington was jumping off the Harrison train. Combine that with Harrison's deathly sick wife—making him incapable of campaigning for himself—and the election was all but over.

Life moved on for Harrison after his short time as Commander-in-Chief, and he definitely engaged in some worthwhile ventures. Apart from remarrying a young lady 25 years his junior, he spewed law lectures at Stanford University and had a hand in the creation of the first commemorative postage stamp. Pretty neat.   

For Memphis, anything could happen this season. The gang is pretty much the same and while their last two years have been emotionally wacky, there's no doubt that the 2013 outfit has the potential to do some pretty damn neat stuff themselves. 

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers:

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Slowpoke

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Mike Conley Jr. Struggles to Check Opposing Guards"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Z-Bo Voted to NBA All-Star Game as Starter"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Just for the record, God didn't choose Memphis."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Chicago Bulls (Abraham Lincoln/Andrew Johnson)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure." - Abraham Lincoln

"I feel incompetent to perform duties so important and responsible as those which have been so unexpectedly thrown upon me." - Andrew Johnson

I know it's kind of an insensitive thing to say, but I imagine the feeling of being in Ford's Theater on April 14, 1865, and watching President Abraham Lincoln get shot was not altogether dissimilar to the feeling of watching Derrick Rose go down with a torn ACL in Game 1 of the Bulls playoff series against the Sixers this past April. Obviously, the death of the leader of the free world is far more tragic than an athlete suffering an injury, but the absolute terror of watching the NBA's most exciting point guard writhing on the floor was one of the most jarring experiences of my adult life. No joke.

The man that took over after that fateful evening on the balcony was Andrew Johnson. Not Andrew Jackson, but Andrew Johnson. For someone who was thrown into such an insanely intense situation, you'd think we'd hear more about him. Maybe we don't because of the fact that—especially compared to Lincoln—he was sort of a douchebag royale. Over the course of the four years he was in office, Johnson continued to lean further to the right (did they say that back then?) on the issues of civil rights and holding Confederate leaders accountable. After everything Abe did, his successor went on to veto Congress' Civil Rights Bill, a move that almost got him impeached. Johnson was a complete letdown after the man who brought the country the Emancipation Proclamation.

This season's Bulls may look a lot like Andrew Johnson's presidency, minus all the racism. Last year, until the playoffs, the Bulls were the likeliest candidates to prevent the Heat from steamrolling their way to the Finals. This year, they will be playing the majority of the season, if not the whole thing, without their star point guard and without some of their strong bench players from last year (Ronnie Brewer, C.J. Watson, Omer Asik, Kyle Korver). They will likely take a large step backward from the glory days they saw in the not-too distant past.

Or, ya know what, they may just exceed all expectations and show a gutsiness and resolve that would be far more reminiscent of Lincoln. Luol Deng and Joakim Noah will need to play better than they ever have on the offensive end. Carlos Boozer will need to come close to averaging a double-double. Kirk Hinrich will need to remember he's a starting point guard and play like it. And role players like Nate Robinson, Marquis Teague, Taj Gibson and Marco Belinelli will need to provide a spark off the bench that can catch fire like last year's crew's did.

While all of those pieces aligning may sound like a stretch, keep in mind that Tom Thibodeau is still Chicago's coach, and I'm not sure I'd ever vote against one of that man's teams overachieving and making a run for the playoffs. If he can motivate this team to play for their fallen hero, to keep the spirit that he left them with last spring, they have a chance to become one of the best stories in the NBA this year. If that happens, and if Rose can get onto the court by the time the postseason rolls around, this is a team that could pull together at the right time and surprise a lot of people.

Thibodeau can unite his team like Lincoln united his country. Or, terrible circumstances can lead to a serious regression like our nation's most iconic president falling victim to a loony with a gun led to some major setbacks to the policies he fought hard to put forth.

These will be trying times for the Bulls, no doubt. But there is potential for them to make this season their Gettysburg Address, their declaration that they remain strong, united and free.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Tauros

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Rose Can't Come Back Soon Enough"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Thibodeau Challenges Spoelstra to Arm Wrestle for Coach of the Year Honors"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "I'll tell ya, Derrick, watching you go down was as bad for me as Lincoln getting shot."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Dallas Mavericks (Andrew Jackson)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“No one need think that the world can be ruled without blood. The civil sword shall and must be red and bloody.” - Andrew Jackson

No matter how you look at it, Old Hickory always had something new going on. A Tennessee Supreme Court Judge, hero of the War of 1812 and former one-year U.S. Senator, Jackson went on to drive the Seminole Indians out of Florida mostly with warning shots and upon finding that the British and Spanish were secretly assisting the Seminoles, captured and killed the Europeans leading the aide attempts. This led to Spain ceding Florida to the United States.

You would think that'd be quite enough for one lifetime, but the dueling, swashbuckling Jackson was just getting started. After serving another two years in the Senate (25 years after his initial term), Andrew Jackson was elected President in 1928 and invited the general public to the Inaugural Ball inside the White House, which became overrun with people. Jacksonian Democracy was geared toward greater democracy for "the common man." Andrew Jackson was anything but common.

Mark Cuban and Dirk Nowitzki's Dallas Mavericks have transformed themselves from the Nash/Michael Finley/Dirk running and gunning Big 3 that could never get to the finals to the Avery Johnson-led Devin Harris/Josh Howard/Erick Dampier finalists to Rick Carlisle's Kidd/Matrix/Chandler/Dirk Champions to the Dirk/Matrix/cap fodder enigma they are today. The Mavericks have made the playoffs every years since 2001 and have faced the Suns and Spurs seven times in those 12 years. Historians vary on the number of duels Andrew Jackson won in his lifetime (between 13 and 100, even the former of which is 13 times too many for a sane person to decide to have a loaded gun pointed at him), but the Mavericks have certainly had their fair share of showdowns against rivals and other challengers. They may not always win, but the Mavericks have been there, done that when it comes to win or go home showdowns, and they've done it with all forms of lineups and styles of play.

Though Steve Nash and Tyson Chandler didn't exactly take a Trail of Tears out of Dallas (each were paid very handsomely by their new teams), it seems rather common that former Mavericks players leave the organization with bitter feelings. Mark Cuban is certainly not afraid to rub anyone the wrong way (once telling Kenyon Martin's mom that her son is a thug) and is no stranger to discipline from the league office. That said, Cuban has changed what it means to be a sports owner, becoming a very controversial public figure and actively participating in running the team. While remembered as someone who changed the presidency for the better, Jackson had his own questionable moments, allowing the Spoils System to take root, initiating the Indian Removal Act (it was exactly what it sounds like) and raising tariffs, which caused the Nullification Crisis. Both men, however, did everything in their power to make their union stronger by any means necessary.

The current Mavericks are not as exciting as they used to be. Gone are Jason Terry, Tyson Chandler, Jason Kidd, Brandan Haywood, heck, even DeShawn Stevenson and the championship team of 2011. The point guard situation is pretty mediocre (Darren Collison and Roddy Beaubois), there are way too many wings (including the ghost of Vince Carter) and Elton Brand seems to have surfaced in Dallas to back up Dirk. He, OJ Mayo and Chris Kaman were the big additions to the Mavs roster this year after the Mavs whiffed on signing Deron Williams and Dwight Howard. This roster has the 6th or 7th seed and a first round exit written all over it. At least they've got Delonte West around to provide some general tomfoolery. All good rides come to an end, and it appears the Mavs, like Old Hickory, are just moving on to their next incarnation.

This is usually where I draw one final parallel to the president to whom I am comparing the team. Instead, I am using this space to tell you to root for 27-year old rookie center Bernard James. Bernard served three tours over six years in the United States Air Force in Iraq, Kuwait and Qatar before being drafted in the second round this summer. The next time you see former Maverick and current fat disgrace Lamar Odom wasting away on the Clippers bench essentially stealing his $8 million salary, think of Bernard James and be thankful he survived the rocket attack that struck his camp in Iraq. The NBA is better with him in it.

Bernard James, thank you for being a great American.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Ponyta

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Cuban Fined for Criticizing Officials"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Delonte West Does Thing"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Welcome to Heaven, ya sure gave 'em hell! I'm here all week, folks."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Los Angeles Lakers (Ronald Reagan)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Concentrated power has always been the enemy of liberty." - Ronald Reagan

Ronald Reagan would please ask that you stay out of his way.

On March 30, 1981, Ronald Reagan became the first sitting U.S. president to survive a gunshot wound from an assassination attempt. Following the attack, just 69 days into his presidency, Reagan's approval rating shot up to 73% and then he went on to be one of the most successful, accomplished, divisive presidents over the course of his two terms. Not sure what was in that bullet, but we'd all be so lucky to get some.

Jerry Buss would please ask that you stay out of his way.

On December 8, 2011, Jerry Buss became the first acting NBA owner to survive a vetoed trade at the hands of Commissioner (and at that time, owner) David Stern. Like Reagan (and Obi-Wan) before him,  Buss made the assassination attempt look foolish. If you strike down Dr. Jerry Buss, he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Take away his all-star point guard before he even gets a chance to don the jersey? He'll go out and get a Hall of Fame point guard and supplant him with Dwight Howard. Then start talking about going after LeBron in two years. You make him share his revenue? Fine, he'll make you tax him into oblivion just to see who blinks first. He's small government to the death and will gladly enter an arms race at the mention of another team's dynasty. We should all be so lucky.

There's a lot here: A Hollywood President. Reaganomics. Phil Jackson as Reagan's early Democratic tendencies. Reagan's War on Drugs and the fact that War on Drugs (the band) are huge NBA fans. Guys, it's all there if we just believe.

And then, there's Lakers fans and Young Republicans, who are probably all the same people. I guess Republicans read blogs, too, but you all seem crazy and entitled. I'm sorry. (I'm not sorry.)

Sorry, to ignore the actual basketball team that the Lakers are trotting out this year, but they are scary and I'm still getting better at facing my problems head on. Bedtime for Bonzo? More like bedtime for the rest of the league. We're all in trouble.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Mewtwo

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Kobe and Dwight and Nash and Pau and World Peace"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Nash Takes Leave of Absence to Chase MLS Cup With Henry"[Ed. - We'll never stop this campaign.]

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "I give up."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Orlando Magic (Richard Nixon)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“Life isn't meant to be easy. It's hard to take being on the top - or on the bottom. I guess I'm something of a fatalist. You have to have a sense of history, I think, to survive some of these things... Life is one crisis after another.” - Richard Nixon

Richard Milhouse Nixon's legacy, in the minds of most, begins with the Watergate break-in and ends with a resigned Tricky Dick throwing up deuces and boarding a helicopter out of town. While that is his enduring image, our 37th President of the United States was so much more than we remember. In his time in office, Nixon ended America's involvement in the Vietnam War, opened diplomatic relations with China, signed the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty with the Soviets, established the Environmental Protection Agency, established the first minimum wage, brought the first national attention to cancer research and won the Space Race by putting a man on the Moon. But all you remember is Watergate.

The Orlando Magic have had some really, really good years. Shaq and Penny Hardaway brought them to the 1995 NBA Finals, and Lil' Penny was the best non-Jordan ad campaign of the '90s. Tracy McGrady won a scoring title for the Magic in 2003. Dwight Howard won three Defensive Player of the Year awards in a row. The Magic have been to the playoffs the past six years. In 2009, the Magic went through the Celtics and LeBron's heavily-favored Cavs to reach the NBA Finals. But all you remember is the Dwightmare.

Where Nixon covered up the Watergate break-in and was essentially forced to resign from the Presidency, the Magic (particularly since-fired GM Otis Smith) handled the long, miserable Dwight Howard fiasco about as poorly as possible. Trading for Hedo Turkoglu, Jason Richardson and Gilbert Arenas was basically re-arranging the deck chairs on Titanic, just as the resignation of Vice President Spiro Agnew did nothing to take the heat away from Nixon. Dwight Howard wanted a trade. Sometimes he pretended he didn't, but rather than go quietly, Howard took down coach Stan Van Gundy in one of the NBA's worst heel-turns. Howard was traded to the Lakers and the Magic wound up with Arron Afflalo, Al Harrington, a platter of spare parts and some draft picks. Andre Iguodala and Andrew Bynum changed hands in that trade, the Magic wound up with neither of them.

In the aftermath of his resignation, Nixon quietly withdrew from the public eye for a while before being pardoned by his successor, Gerald Ford. The 2012-2013 Orlando Magic are led by Afflalo, Jameer Nelson and Glen Davis. Hedo Turkoglu averaged 10.8 points per game last season and is the highest-paid player on the team. There's always the lottery, which, by the way, the Magic have won three times.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Cubone

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Shadow of Howard Hangs Over Magic"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Glen Davis, Hedo Turkoglu Face Off in Eating Contest at CiCi's Pizza, Everyone Involved Loses." 

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Did you bring Stan? I really want to hang out with that dude."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Toronto Raptors (John Tyler)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“Popularity, I have always thought, may aptly be compared to a coquette - the more you woo her, the more apt she is to elude your embrace.” - John Tyler

Upon the death of William Henry Harrison in 1841, "The Accidental President" took office before a cabinet and a congress that wasn't even sure if he should be there. Though he was key to the westward expansion of the country, John Tyler tried too hard to get respect by vetoing a Tariff bill and was the subject of impeachment proceedings. Unsurprisingly, Tyler was not re-elected.

In 1993 the NBA expanded to Canada, adding the Vancouver Grizzlies and Toronto Raptors. The name was selected in a naming contest and was rumored to be influenced by Jurrasic Park. The colors were purple, black, red and silver, which made just about as much sense as naming Isiah Thomas their first GM. They named Isiah Thomas their first GM. Their first expansion draft pick, BJ Armstrong, refused to report to camp and the team traded him. Their first-ever pick in the regular draft, Damon Stoudemire, was booed by Raptor fans at the draft, which was held at the Skydome in Toronto. He went on to become a member of the infamous Jailblazer teams in Portland.

Nineteen years later, not a ton has changed. The franchise killed off the purple in the uniforms and logo; the Vince Carter, Tracy McGrady and Chris Bosh Eras have come and gone; and the team is still named after the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park. There were a few playoff appearances, though the franchise has won only one playoff round, in 2001, before losing the infamous Vinsanity Graduation Day Game Seven against the 76ers. The Raptors won the draft lottery in 2006, selecting Andrea Bargnani over LaMarcus Aldridge, Rudy Gay, Brandon Roy and Rajon Rondo. Bargnani is a decent enough player, but a core of him, Kyle Lowry and DeMar DeRozan doesn't inspire much confidence (as fun as it could be to watch). Jonas Valančiūnas is as mysterious an X factor as you'll find in this league. All of this uncertainty won't stop a surprisingly fervent fan base from showing up and making the Air Canada Centre an oddly tough place to play (the tilted, 3-D lettering underneath each basket that makes it look like the logo is standing up probably doesn't help visitors either).

In the USS Princeton Disaster, an explosion on a ship carrying Tyler and his wife killed dozens of bystanders while showing off its cannon to a crowd gathered along the Potomac River. The Raptors entered the offseason looking to make a splash by signing Canada's own Steve Nash. They wound up paying Landry Fields $20 million instead. He isn't very exciting or very Canadian. Will the Raptors front office get it together? Will they avoid the lottery and fight their way into the 8th seed? Will visiting players remember they need to bring their passports to play them? Jamaal Magloire is still playing?!

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Staryu

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "DeMar DeRozan Misses Three-Pointer"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Raptors Trade Away All Remaining American Players" 

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "You really tempted the fates there making the logo something extinct."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Portland Trail Blazers (Herbert Hoover)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"If, by the grace of God, we have passed the worst of this storm, the future months will be easy. If we shall be called upon to endure more of this period, we must gird ourselves for even greater effort." - Herbert Hoover

For those of us who don't believe in any sort of cosmic plan for humanity, when science fails to give us answers, luck is about as close as we can get to a religious doctrine. Some people just don't have the cards stacked in their favor, and often, their misfortune cannot be explained through any sort of reason.

Herbert Hoover was one of those people. After winning in a landslide in the 1928 election, Hoover faced the stock market crash and the beginning of the Great Depression less than eight months into his presidency. As we know from recent history, economic issues do not grow overnight; downturns, even when they seem to happen suddenly, are generally the result of a lengthy series of interconnected events, decisions and patterns. Therefore, the haste with which Hoover's tenure turned to total shite has to be seen as an enormous middle finger from old Father Luck. Of course, Double H didn't provide an ideal response to the situation, failing to improve matters with a strategy that included promoting volunteerism, raising tariffs and forcing the relocation of thousands of Mexicans and Mexican-Americans who he claimed posed a threat to the domestic job market (sound familiar?). What we see in Hoover then, is a perfect storm of terrible luck and an inability to properly address problems as they arose.

The Portland Trail Blazers, over the past five years, have been cursed with the basketball equivalent of Hoover's luck, but they have also shown the same sort of failure in their responses. We are all familiar with that most tragic of NBA stories, the great Crash of Greg Oden before he could even get off the ground. The repeated knee injuries suffered by the number one pick of the 2007 Draft represent the kind of sustained misfortune that gives a team's fanbase nightmares for life. What might be more terrifying than the injuries themselves, though, is the apparent lack of competency the Blazers staff showed in dealing with them. In the past year, information has come out about just how negligent the team's medical staff was in properly handling Oden's rehabilitation. And we have to imagine that Brandon Roy—a figure not tragic to Odenian proportions, but still pretty damn sad—might have made a stronger recovery with a different medical team, as well. As an organization, the Blazers have proved unable to properly handle the twists of fate that send players and teams into the depths of unpredictability and struggle, just as Hoover was unable to get the country out of its financial hole quickly.

That said, it's worth mentioning that some of Hoover's policies may have laid the groundwork for FDR's New Deal and the eventual recovery. Who knows, perhaps the Blazers are setting a foundation for better times to come. But for now, the team is centered around one very talented big man: LaMarcus Aldridge. Beyond him, there are nothing but question marks. Nicolas "Nutshot" Batum continues to be as empty a promise as a debate talking point. Wesley Matthews continues to be as mediocre as his name implies. Rookies Meyers Leonard and Damian Lillard could both be very successful NBA players (Lillard especially), but I'm not sure either of them is ready to step into a starting roster as quickly as they'll have to in PDX. I would LOVE to see J.J. Hickson continue his solid play from the end of last year, but I certainly wouldn't put money on him keeping it up (TWSS).

If nothing else, perhaps the most optimistic light we can shine on the 2012-2013 Blazers is that this is bound to be their lowest point. Getting rid of Gerald Wallace, Marcus Camby, Raymond Felton and Jamal Crawford in the offseason was a testament of faith to the notion of rebuilding—and a smart one at that. This time next year, it's possible that the Blazers will have a Rookie of the Year starting at point guard and that they'll be going into 2013-2014 with another lottery pick or two. New GM Neil Olshey and new head coach Terry Stotts may introduce a new culture. The horizon holds rays of sunlight, sure, but the dark days are likely to last a bit longer. This season, like the Hoover years, may lead to better things, but it won't be a pretty process.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Jynx

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Things not so Rosy in the Rose City"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Nic Batum Releases Signature Line of Protective Athletic Cups"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "You know what would have made your uniforms better? If you 'put a bird on it'! Ha! You guys ever see that show?"