No Regard Presidential Previews: Milwaukee Bucks (James Monroe)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“It is only when the people become ignorant and corrupt, when they degenerate into a populace, that they are incapable of exercising their sovereignty.” - James Monroe


James Monroe was a Founding Father of the United States. A great patriot, he was elected in a landslide in 1816 after serving as a U.S. Senator, Governor of Virginia and Ambassador to France. His diplomacy skills would be needed domestically during his time in office, as the sectional dispute over Missouri's admittance to the union threatened to rip the country apart. A great compromise was reached, allowing the delicate balance of the nation to continue for a few more decades before the South seceded. 

The Milwaukee Bucks, by all accounts, have been a below average franchise over the past decade or so. Since the departures of Ray Allen and George Karl in 2003, the Bucks have mired in mediocrity. As Monroe's most important moments arguably came before his Presidency in keeping European interests out of the new nation and participating in the founding of the United States, the Bucks' greatest moments came decades ago, when a squad led by legends Oscar Robertson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (then Lew Alcindor) swept the Baltimore Bullets for the title in the Bucks' third year of existence. The past several seasons in Milwaukee have been more reflective of Monroe's post-presidential years, which were marred by personal financial problems and the sale of his plantation, but his name remains among the most influential of his time.

As previously mentioned, the fifth President of the United States had the momentous task of reconciling the admission of Missouri as a slave state to the union without losing control of the senate by adding two more slave-state members. To hedge against this, Monroe admitted Maine (then a satellite region of Massachusetts) as a free state, thus maintaining the balance of power in the country. The new-look Bucks face a balancing act of their own, with shoot-first backcourt mates Monta Ellis and No Regard Favorite Brandon Jennings lending new meaning to "not enough basketballs." Ellis was acquired in exchange for former #1 overall pick Andrew Bogut, his disfigured arms and all-time headcase Stephen Jackson, who has a large tattoo of a handgun on his chest and a brand new track out with Kevin Durant. Coach Scott Skiles will have to find enough touches for Ellis and Jennings while keeping them happy, or it's another season where nobody Fears the Deer. 

The Monroe Doctrine announced America's intent to stay neutral in European affairs, intending to let the new country develop on its own rather than asserting influence on the rest of the world. Ellis, Jennings, Ekpe Udoh and rookie John Henson will need to grow together quickly to assert themselves into the affairs of the rest of the Eastern Conference and become relevant again. This team has the look of a squad that will hover just below .500, but get a random 12-point win in Boston or Miami and temporarily scare the croup out of the rest of the conference. Can the young Bucks (too easy) grow together and contend for the 8th seed in the East, becoming the Team You Don't Want to Face? Will Ellis and Jennings be able to share the ball and remain effective? Why is Beno Udrih making $7 million for this team?

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Doduo



Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Dalembert Provides Quiet Leadership"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Alien vs. Marquis Daniels Flops at Box Office"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Oh yeah you guys took the Hawks to seven games a couple years ago. I forgot about you guys!"