Alfred Joel Horford
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
NBA Middle Names: Al Horford
We at No Regard spend a lot of time in our NBA knitting circles trying to figure out the human side of these players. Whether it's musing about their commutes to work, how much "Call of Duty" they play, or what their favorite snack food is, we like to remind ourselves that NBA players are nothing more than young men with enviable jobs. What better way to humanize our heroes than look up their middle names?
Saturday, February 16, 2013
No Regard's 2013 Dunk Contest Staff Picks
Over here at No Regard, we love everything about All-Star Weekend. Everything. The Celebrity Game? Yes, please! The Skills Contest? Sing us up! Alicia Keys and Ne-Yo? Sure, pump it straight into our veins! Nothing gets us off like the Dunk Contest, though, and nothing ever will. It is, to us, the zenith of physical achievement for the human race--a display of mind-bending athleticism, competitive creativity and downright goofiness.
As much as we agree on all that, we don't agree on who the top dog of this year's contest will be. Below are our individual picks.
Adam's Pick: James "Flight" White
Why you should root for him: White was born for this. I'm not sure if there's ever been a contestant who was more excited to be a part of the contest. From his plea to Dwayne Wade to support his bid to his very confident, very exciting hints of what he has in store, it's obvious that White has been dreaming of this for a long time. Also, he has promised to go prop-free, which I think is a much needed step toward the direction of the pre-Dwight era. While there's nothing wrong with props per se, at this point a man and a ball and a hoop--and that's it--will seem like a breath of fresh air. I forgot where I read this, but kudos to whoever I am paraphrasing when I say that the reason James White exists in the NBA is to win a dunk contest. Also: THIS.
Ideal contest-winning dunk: 360 from the free throw line. The free throw line dunk is White's calling card. In the below video, you can see him jump the stripe twice, both times with insane results. After a YouTube search, I found one video of a dude doing a full revolution with his back foot from the foul line. It's impressive. But I think White could do it without stepping over.
What it should be called: Flight 360
Odds he will win: 1:1
Requisite YouTube viewing: 2006 NCAA Dunk Contest. Check out the 2:28 and 3:44 marks to see where the word "swag" was born.
Andrew's Pick: Jeremy Evans
Why you should root for him: I know almost nothing about Jeremy Evans. I know that early this season (or maybe it was the preseason) he had maybe the highlight of the year when he blocked some poor guy on one end and dunked on some poor guy on the other end. (Ed.- It was only one poor guy, and yes of course it was Ronny Turiaf.) I'm not doing it justice, hold on.
See!? Whoa. Great play amirite? Kid can fly. Anywho, the only other thing I know about him is that he won the dunk contest last year. But I have no recollection of a single dunk he did. I'm not going to look it up because last year's dunk contest was probably the worst ever and bummed me out so much. I don't want to relive that monstrosity. What I do want, though, is for Jeremy Evans to make up for last year's entire contest. Since he is the lone holdover--the defending champion, no less--he needs to carry the mantle. He needs to seek untamed redemption in his dunks. The only way we can forget about last year's Kenny Smith-led circus of tears is by having our palettes cleansed by a stunning performance by the champ.
Dave's Pick: Gerald Green
Why you should root for him: I graduated from high school in 2005. As such, I took particular interest in the high school players drafted that year (the last year high school guys were allowed to be drafted). Green was drafted by the Celtics and immediately became a guy I followed closely. Though he was part of the worst Celtics team ever, I was sad to see him get tossed into the Garnett trade and even sadder to see him slowly wash out of the league after winning the 2008 dunk contest by blowing out a candle in a cupcake on the rim and dunking between his legs with his shoes off. I was mad at him for not panning out despite his superb athletic ability, but then I thought about it another way. Gerald Green initially fell out of the NBA in 2009, leaving him temporarily unemployed. You know which other 22 year olds were unemployed in 2009? ALL OF THEM. Gerald took his talents to Russia and China. After bouncing around our frenemy nations, Gerald somehow wound up on the Nets about a year ago (his experience working under Russian ownership was probably helpful... or not... who cares) and wound up throwing down the meanest alley-oop windmill ever seen by man. He's now on the Pacers, but who cares. He's back in the dunk contest, in his hometown, the places where he made his name. He's come all the way back. Let him eat cake.
Ideal contest-winning dunk: One-handed windmill while eating a cupcake with the other hand. Look at the top left of this page. I know what you're thinking: "That looks cool, but why isn't he eating that?" Well, it's probably moldy now and the icing is probably hard as a rock, but here's his chance!
What it should be called: The Cake Eater
Odds he will win: 4-1
Requisite YouTube viewing: That mean alley-oop windmill I was talking about.
Pete's Pick: Kenneth "The Manimal" Faried
Why you should root for him: He’s from Newark, New Jersey. He’s a fine upstanding young man. He respects his elders and his hair is stunning. He’s a serious baller, too. The Nuggets rarely run a set for Faried but he still finds a way to get his fingerprints all over the stat sheet. And the hustle plays--he works his behind off, all game long. Never complains and will one day be an amazing scorer. He’s already an aerial threat the likes of which have never been seen.
Ideal contest-winning dunk: An alley-oop, body-twisting, eye-popping, sexually appealing (in a basketball way) one-handed, throw-down-the-rock-hard dunk. Some variation of that. If you haven’t seen Faried dunk--well, then, you best call someone. Or just turn on one of the many machines that are capable of showing the Sprite Slam Dunk Contest and tune in. Faried did not get his nickname by chillin’ out below the rim, doing math homework and playing World of Warcraft. This gentlemen flies high, early and often, to the rack. Ty Lawson closes his eyes and hurls the ball within the general vicinity of the Manimal. Faried then arrives from nowhere and like a bolt of thunder, makes everyone watching jump a little bit when he dunks: always with minimal regard for human life. Unlike thunder, when Faried dunks, it’s not scary. I hate thunder. Not the Thunder of Oklahoma City, thunder like the weather thunder.
What it should be called: The Manimalwich
Odds he will win: Bet your mortgage on it, big boy.
Requisite YouTube viewing: Faried's top ten plays of his rookie season. Number seven is great stuff, posterizing the ghost of Chris Kaman and then subtly staring him down on the jog back.
As much as we agree on all that, we don't agree on who the top dog of this year's contest will be. Below are our individual picks.
Adam's Pick: James "Flight" White
Why you should root for him: White was born for this. I'm not sure if there's ever been a contestant who was more excited to be a part of the contest. From his plea to Dwayne Wade to support his bid to his very confident, very exciting hints of what he has in store, it's obvious that White has been dreaming of this for a long time. Also, he has promised to go prop-free, which I think is a much needed step toward the direction of the pre-Dwight era. While there's nothing wrong with props per se, at this point a man and a ball and a hoop--and that's it--will seem like a breath of fresh air. I forgot where I read this, but kudos to whoever I am paraphrasing when I say that the reason James White exists in the NBA is to win a dunk contest. Also: THIS.
Ideal contest-winning dunk: 360 from the free throw line. The free throw line dunk is White's calling card. In the below video, you can see him jump the stripe twice, both times with insane results. After a YouTube search, I found one video of a dude doing a full revolution with his back foot from the foul line. It's impressive. But I think White could do it without stepping over.
What it should be called: Flight 360
Odds he will win: 1:1
Requisite YouTube viewing: 2006 NCAA Dunk Contest. Check out the 2:28 and 3:44 marks to see where the word "swag" was born.
Andrew's Pick: Jeremy Evans
Why you should root for him: I know almost nothing about Jeremy Evans. I know that early this season (or maybe it was the preseason) he had maybe the highlight of the year when he blocked some poor guy on one end and dunked on some poor guy on the other end. (Ed.- It was only one poor guy, and yes of course it was Ronny Turiaf.) I'm not doing it justice, hold on.
See!? Whoa. Great play amirite? Kid can fly. Anywho, the only other thing I know about him is that he won the dunk contest last year. But I have no recollection of a single dunk he did. I'm not going to look it up because last year's dunk contest was probably the worst ever and bummed me out so much. I don't want to relive that monstrosity. What I do want, though, is for Jeremy Evans to make up for last year's entire contest. Since he is the lone holdover--the defending champion, no less--he needs to carry the mantle. He needs to seek untamed redemption in his dunks. The only way we can forget about last year's Kenny Smith-led circus of tears is by having our palettes cleansed by a stunning performance by the champ.
Ideal contest-winning dunk: Have the lights in the arena turned up as bright as possible. Tape his mouth shut so he can't give a pointless pre-dunk interview with Nick Cannon.Write the word "PROP" on the basketball with a black magic marker and put the ball through his legs as he dunks over a mic-less Kenny Smith.
What it should be called: The Apology
Odds he will win: Not very good.
Requisite YouTube viewing: Ugh, fine, here are last year's highlights.
Dave's Pick: Gerald Green
Why you should root for him: I graduated from high school in 2005. As such, I took particular interest in the high school players drafted that year (the last year high school guys were allowed to be drafted). Green was drafted by the Celtics and immediately became a guy I followed closely. Though he was part of the worst Celtics team ever, I was sad to see him get tossed into the Garnett trade and even sadder to see him slowly wash out of the league after winning the 2008 dunk contest by blowing out a candle in a cupcake on the rim and dunking between his legs with his shoes off. I was mad at him for not panning out despite his superb athletic ability, but then I thought about it another way. Gerald Green initially fell out of the NBA in 2009, leaving him temporarily unemployed. You know which other 22 year olds were unemployed in 2009? ALL OF THEM. Gerald took his talents to Russia and China. After bouncing around our frenemy nations, Gerald somehow wound up on the Nets about a year ago (his experience working under Russian ownership was probably helpful... or not... who cares) and wound up throwing down the meanest alley-oop windmill ever seen by man. He's now on the Pacers, but who cares. He's back in the dunk contest, in his hometown, the places where he made his name. He's come all the way back. Let him eat cake.
Ideal contest-winning dunk: One-handed windmill while eating a cupcake with the other hand. Look at the top left of this page. I know what you're thinking: "That looks cool, but why isn't he eating that?" Well, it's probably moldy now and the icing is probably hard as a rock, but here's his chance!
What it should be called: The Cake Eater
Odds he will win: 4-1
Requisite YouTube viewing: That mean alley-oop windmill I was talking about.
Pete's Pick: Kenneth "The Manimal" Faried
Why you should root for him: He’s from Newark, New Jersey. He’s a fine upstanding young man. He respects his elders and his hair is stunning. He’s a serious baller, too. The Nuggets rarely run a set for Faried but he still finds a way to get his fingerprints all over the stat sheet. And the hustle plays--he works his behind off, all game long. Never complains and will one day be an amazing scorer. He’s already an aerial threat the likes of which have never been seen.
Ideal contest-winning dunk: An alley-oop, body-twisting, eye-popping, sexually appealing (in a basketball way) one-handed, throw-down-the-rock-hard dunk. Some variation of that. If you haven’t seen Faried dunk--well, then, you best call someone. Or just turn on one of the many machines that are capable of showing the Sprite Slam Dunk Contest and tune in. Faried did not get his nickname by chillin’ out below the rim, doing math homework and playing World of Warcraft. This gentlemen flies high, early and often, to the rack. Ty Lawson closes his eyes and hurls the ball within the general vicinity of the Manimal. Faried then arrives from nowhere and like a bolt of thunder, makes everyone watching jump a little bit when he dunks: always with minimal regard for human life. Unlike thunder, when Faried dunks, it’s not scary. I hate thunder. Not the Thunder of Oklahoma City, thunder like the weather thunder.
What it should be called: The Manimalwich
Odds he will win: Bet your mortgage on it, big boy.
Requisite YouTube viewing: Faried's top ten plays of his rookie season. Number seven is great stuff, posterizing the ghost of Chris Kaman and then subtly staring him down on the jog back.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Adam's Basketball Basement Tapes: Volume Four
My dad saves everything. For a long time, this tendency annoyed me.
Recently, though, I realized that for every one of my worthless
elementary school lunch menus sitting in a paper bag in his basement,
right next to it is a hilarious, terrifying, and/or touching piece of my
childhood. It just so happens that many, many of these tokens of
nostalgia—papers, drawings, notes—are focused on basketball. I was as
passionate in my fandom as a child as I am now. In this series, I'll
share with you some of the artifacts uncovered while digging through the
minutiae of my youth.
Okay, guys. Last Basement Tape. Here are the remaining fragments of my childhood insanity captured for posterity and for giggles. Hope you enjoyed them. Now I just need to find a venue to air my adolescent rap lyrics...
Artifact #1: A list of basketball players who wear the number "1" on their jerseys
Oh yeah, and Warren Moon and Gary Anderson(?)(!) too.
Artifact #2: An essay on things that bothered me
Turning a list of pet peeves into a hit song eighteen years after I turned mine into a school essay, Chief Keef? That's that shit that bothers me. On the real, I still hate it when the other team has three guys on me and I can't do anything. Can I live?!
Artifact #3: A folder of Jerry Stackhouse taking it to the hole on some dudes with goofy jerseys
While not quite as awesome as the Shawn Kemp folder from the last go-round, this one is definitely still a winner. I made the all the Raptors players red, just like the raptors on their very timeless pinstripe jerseys. Hilarious. I also drew black lipstick on Jerry Stackhouse so that he looked like a lady. A bald lady. Classic.
Artifact #4: An essay on sports
Hey, you ever heard of sports? They're pretty neat. One of my favorite things to do in my spare time, playing sports. Although these days, the fact that playing basketball requires a lot of energy would certainly not make it into my persuasive essay on why you should play sports. My Brooklyn rec league team played a high school junior varsity team recently. We have five or six guys who are over 6'3". We won by two. Babies be runnin'. True story.
Artifact #5: A drawing of the temple that I deserve
There's nothing weird about claiming my name as an Egyptian God is Allah. You're weird, guy. Just put me in that temple with a basketball and a CD player for listening to Wu-Tang anytime I damn well please. I'll be cool.
Artifact #6: My retirement speech, from when I retire from the NBA
Daddy's coming home, Tre.
Okay, guys. Last Basement Tape. Here are the remaining fragments of my childhood insanity captured for posterity and for giggles. Hope you enjoyed them. Now I just need to find a venue to air my adolescent rap lyrics...
Artifact #1: A list of basketball players who wear the number "1" on their jerseys
Oh yeah, and Warren Moon and Gary Anderson(?)(!) too.
Artifact #2: An essay on things that bothered me
Turning a list of pet peeves into a hit song eighteen years after I turned mine into a school essay, Chief Keef? That's that shit that bothers me. On the real, I still hate it when the other team has three guys on me and I can't do anything. Can I live?!
Artifact #3: A folder of Jerry Stackhouse taking it to the hole on some dudes with goofy jerseys
While not quite as awesome as the Shawn Kemp folder from the last go-round, this one is definitely still a winner. I made the all the Raptors players red, just like the raptors on their very timeless pinstripe jerseys. Hilarious. I also drew black lipstick on Jerry Stackhouse so that he looked like a lady. A bald lady. Classic.
Artifact #4: An essay on sports
Hey, you ever heard of sports? They're pretty neat. One of my favorite things to do in my spare time, playing sports. Although these days, the fact that playing basketball requires a lot of energy would certainly not make it into my persuasive essay on why you should play sports. My Brooklyn rec league team played a high school junior varsity team recently. We have five or six guys who are over 6'3". We won by two. Babies be runnin'. True story.
Artifact #5: A drawing of the temple that I deserve
There's nothing weird about claiming my name as an Egyptian God is Allah. You're weird, guy. Just put me in that temple with a basketball and a CD player for listening to Wu-Tang anytime I damn well please. I'll be cool.
Artifact #6: My retirement speech, from when I retire from the NBA
Daddy's coming home, Tre.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Why You (Yes, You!) Should Watch the NBA Rising Stars Challenge
I had never seen Kyrie Irving play until last year’s Rising Stars game. He only played a handful of college games and, frankly, I don’t watch much college basketball anyway. I really had no idea what we were getting with this guy (the Uncle Drew video hadn’t happened yet). Kyrie went 8-8 from three in last year’s game and pretty much dominated everything, plus we got to see his fantastic handle.
I was sold. I immediately started watching every possible Cavs game I could get access to (mostly when they happened to be on at bars). I went to the first Cavs-Nets game at Barclays this season just to see that handle, and Kyrie didn’t disappoint. My girlfriend got me an Irving t-shirt for Christmas (thanks!) and I can’t wait to see him in the main event next weekend. The guy is already my favorite non-Celtic. All thanks to this silly exhibition.
Don’t get me wrong here, this thing is barely a game. It’s pretty much all behind-the-back, alley-oop windmill dunks, spin moves and centers shooting threes. There are almost no passes between two guys who are both standing on the ground and defense is limited to Greg Monroe messing with John Wall’s off-the-bounce self-oop. The game is played in 20-minute halves and guys get added last minute based on things like Linsanity and having a cool flat-top. Last year, the teams combined for 279 points. In short, it was awesome.
Wherever you are next Friday night, take this opportunity to check out guys who used to just be names to you. You probably won’t get many more chances to see Andre Drummond, Damian Lillard, Alexey Shved and too many Bobcats, Pistons and non-Irving Cavs play again. Oh, and Kyrie will be there too.
Also, THIS STUFF:
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Who'd You Get?!: Vlade Divac, Topps Stadium Club (1996)
We at No Regard used to collect basketball cards. Convincing a parent to shuttle us and our friends to the local collector's shop was a consistently important victory. When we found out KMart was selling entire boxes for $20, we almost wore out our bike tires pedaling back and forth.
Now we've unearthed the cache, and the results are stunning. We've been reminded that players named Dino Radja and Wesley Person briefly and forcefully carved out steady roles for themselves in the league. We've been straight tickled by the goofy casual pics. And we've been touched and inspired by the relentless optimism of the copywriters. We hope you enjoy this odd time capsule, a Utopian angle from which to view the league, where everyone is the next somebody and context is pointless.
Back of the card after the jump.
Now we've unearthed the cache, and the results are stunning. We've been reminded that players named Dino Radja and Wesley Person briefly and forcefully carved out steady roles for themselves in the league. We've been straight tickled by the goofy casual pics. And we've been touched and inspired by the relentless optimism of the copywriters. We hope you enjoy this odd time capsule, a Utopian angle from which to view the league, where everyone is the next somebody and context is pointless.
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