No Regard 2011-2012 Season Previews: Eastern Conference

The 2011-2012 NBA season starts on Sunday. Since we're just as confused as you are as to how this squished and truncated season is going to play out, we won't try our hand at stats or scouting reports, but instead stick with what we know: the Proust Questionnaire and oddly prescient "Calvin and Hobbes" strips. Find out which teams make the playoffs, which teams are lottery bound, and which players are best equipped to hold the conch—all after the jump!

Words by Pete, Comic Currating by Andrew

1. Miami Heat

Projected Record: 56-10

Calvin and Hobbes Comic Strip:

Player We'd Give the Conch Shell to in the Locker Room: Super Nintendo Chalmers

Headline We'll Be Sick Of Reading: "Bosh's Work In Weight Room Pays Off"

Headline We Are Most Rooting For: "Juwan Howard Hits Game-Winning Half-Court Shot, Retires"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?: "Thought you could win seven rings without asking Me, huh?  Big mistake. And I don't even like the Mavs."

 

NBA Middle Names: Chris Kaman

We at No Regard spend a lot of time in our NBA knitting circles trying to figure out the human side of these players. Whether it's musing about their commutes to work, how much "Call of Duty" they play, or what their favorite snack food is, we like to remind ourselves that NBA players are nothing more than young men with enviable jobs. What better way to humanize our heroes than look up their middle names?

Christopher Zane Kaman

Question(s) of the Day: LA Edition

NBA fans everywhere got out of bed this morning, barrelled down their stairs, and barked out a joyous,"Yipeee!" as they started their day. Word that Chris Paul would be joining the Clip Show broke late last night and dreaming of him paired alongside Blake Griffin is about as appetizing as it gets to the NBA geek and casual fan alike. To celebrate, we've compiled a list of questions that came to mind when we heard the news. Please note that these questions regard not only the Clippers but the entire Los Angeles basketball scene:

Bibby's World: Written in Stone

In the past year, I have had the pleasure of calling myself an Atlanta Hawk, a Washington Wizard, a Miami Heat, and now a New York Knick. I know that each time I've been traded, I've said that my new home has been the thing I've always wanted, but THIS TIME I mean it.

If You See Something, Say Something: Bullies, Bibby and Starbury For Life!

IYSSSS is our semi-regular internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Starbury Dominating Life in China: Fear not, Stephon Marbury lovers, the former Lincoln High School superstar is having his cake on the other side of the world, and crushing it too. According to William Rhoden's New York Times piece, Steph writes for a local paper, is a therapist to the other American players in China, is at peace with his life, and has an amazing apartment. All while averaging 22.3 points per game and leading the Beijing Ducks to an undefeated season to date. Get some, Steph.

David Stern Demands Lunch Money: According to this ESPN.com article, Deron Williams isn't so fond of the commissioner's propensity to give wedgies, push other kids on the playground and smoke cigarettes on school grounds. "You're fighting a bully, man. David Stern is a bully," the superstar guard stated when asked about the Chris Paul situation. Williams did confirm, though, that he does have at least one ally at school: "But I have friends, like, Dwight's my friend, so if I wanna call him and talk to him, I'm gonna call him and talk to him."

No Regard Staffer Joins Knicks!: Popular NBA blogger Mike Bibby has a new team and a fresh start in New York City. The former member of the Grizzles, Kings, Hawks, Wizards and Heat stated that he's "always wanted to play for Mike D'Antoni," in this YouTube video. We couldn't be happier for our special little guy and we expect to hear from the man himself soon!

Clippers Seeking CP3 For Two Reasons: With the Lakers no longer in play, the Clip Show is apparently doing its best to land the most wanted point guard in the league, according to this NBA.com article. If you like players with two first names and alley-oops, check out the 2011-2012 Los Angeles Clippers!

Nets Land Stud, Change Landscape of NBA

In the biggest move so far since the lockout ended, the Net Jersey Nets nabbed wanted man, superstar, and arguably the most coveted free agent on the market: Mr. Candace Parker.

The former member of the Hawks, Timberwolves, Knicks, Nuggets, Kings, and Celtics will most certainly become the favorite target of Deron Williams. He may or may not pair alongside Dwight Howard.

Candace Parker has yet to make an official statement regarding where the couple will reside.

If You See Something, Say Something: Sushi, Mixed Emotions, and Jackson's Passion

IYSSSS is our semi-regular internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Petro Flies Solo at Nets Gym: The Nets' Johan Petro, was the only player to hit the hardwood when the Nets opened their facility for the first time this season according to this ESPN.com article. After dropping 3.5 points per game in the 2010-2011 season, Petro's clearly on a mission and is wasting no time. Where was Brook Lopez you ask? Filming a gum spot is my best guess.

Steve Kerr's Passion For Sushi: Turner's new mini-series, Open Court, features all of their ex-player-now-analysts waxing poetic about whatever random topic Ernie brings up. From favorite movies to on-court nemeses, these conversations are epic. In the video linked above, we learn that Steve Kerr's favorite food is sushi. And as for Shaq, well, he's all about crushing a brownie as an appetizer.

Does Danny Ainge Like-Like Rondo?: After CP3 for Rondo rumors swirled around Google machines everywhere, Danny Ainge came out on record claiming that, "Rondo knows we love him. Rondo knows we like him." Well, which one is it Danny, do you like him or love him? What are your intentions with my point guard, Danny? You know, Danny, Rajon is special to me, I'd hate to see someone harm him in anyway.

Mark Jackson Won't Accept Mediocrity: This video on the Warriors official website introduces Golden State to their new head coach, Mark Jackson. Preacher, analyst, and player, Jackson spits straight fire every second of every minute in this interview and reminds that he's a coach in the NBA! "Latch onto the back of the bandwagon cause things be changing in the Bay Area." More of that please, but mention Steph Curry next time.