Question of the Day

When new head coach Mark Jackson takes the Warriors out for their first team dinner, is Steph Curry more likely to order steak or fish?

Panda-monium

So Chris Paul and Melo went to China and then this happened:

Yep.

Top 5 Player Tweets of the Week - In Pictures!

From Skillanueva's half-time tweets to Gil's fateful outburst, we're keeping tabs on this whole Twitter thing.  Each week we wade through the rants, shout outs and sheer insanity to bring you the best micro-blogging the NBA has to offer.

I don't think there is anyone out there who is happier about this news than I am, but we here at No Regard are pleased to announce that Tweets of the Week are back!  I'm sorry they were gone for so long.  I promise we will never leave you like that again.  Now onto the merriment!

5. "Rain has to be one of the most calming things ever! #WorDaApP #random-thoughts"

- Nate Robinson

4. "#harrypotter is awesome. Epic ending to a great story."

- Chris Bosh

NBA Player Placment Services: Glen Davis

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.
Craigslist Posting

7/20/2011, Pembroke, MA, Salon/Spa Positions

"Rapture Salon & Spa, in Pembroke Ma., is a modern, full service, upscale salon which has positions available for experienced hair stylist, esthetician and massage therapist who are professional and passionate about their trade. NEW LOCATION! Benefits available.

Looking for employment in an enthusiastic environment? Contact Heather at 781-829-0200. We look forward to meeting you!"
Why He Should Apply

Big Baby has always seeked employment in enthusiastic environments. He's a consummate professional and there is no questioning the passion he holds for his jobs.

Regarding the "experience" required as a hair stylist, esthetician (fuck if we know what that is) and massage therapist, I can only think to quote Neo from The Matrix as an appropriate way of articulating how much that drivel really matters to Glen Davis and his desire to work for Rapture Salon and Spa.

"Yeah, wow, that sounds like a really good deal. But I think I got a better one. How bout' I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call?"

What He Should Wear to the Interview

Handsome young man, Glen. Massage at will.

Question of the Day

How many times have Mike D'Antoni and his wife seen the Broadway musical Wicked?

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: Marcin Gortat

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.

Craigslist Posting

7/18/2011, Scottsdale/Paradise Valley, Swimming Pool Service Repair Tech

"Must have experience and your own truck.
We have a pool route on Friday that we are looking to fill plus repairs.
Please send a resume or call 602-765-2948."

Why He Should Apply
When the Orlando Magic front office had a panic attack early last year and decided to gut their roster and ship half their team off to different cities in the U.S., one of athletes they moved was Marcin Gortat. Big mistake. Gortat was an absolute beast for the Suns in the latter half of the season. He's living proof that one man's trash is another man's treasure. And he'll do the same as a swimming pool service repair tech during this NBA lockout. We'll just assume that he definitely has "experience" fixing pools, and we know he can afford a truck.

What He Should Wear to the Interview

Pictures say a 1,000 words, Marcin.

No Regard Mixtape: Shaquille O'Neal

TNT has made it official: Shaq will be joining Ernie, Chuck and Kenny on the stalwart program that is "Inside the NBA." Which is a relief to us since we thought Shaq was as dead as Laura Palmer. (We're still not really sure where most NBA players go when they retire, so we just assume they're in a morgue somewhere.)

But still, we're all pretty sad about his retirement. Not so much because he's been a contributing member to an NBA team any time recently, but more because watching a childhood behemoth age, crumble, then disappear is a stiff drink of mortality. Thus, we've turned to some of our favorite musicians as a coping mechanism.

The songs are also here to help us parse our own feeling about the Diesel, because he was a much more complicated dude than he let on. The gregarious giant crashed into the NBA like a diabolical hurricane on laughing gas, then was easily the best and most entertaining player in the league for about seven years in the middle of his career.

But around the time his brief tenure with Phoenix ended, it started to bubble up that the spat with Kobe (that broke up what could have been a six-year championship run) was more likely the doing of O'Neal, not Bryant. When coupled with the fact that he was about to leave yet another team on not-great terms, and the fairly nasty rumor that he stole Steve Nash's idea for a television show and turned it into "Shaq Vs.", the Big Nickname's reputation as all around fun dude began to rust a bit. Even during the epoch when he ruled the league, he was criticized for lazing through the regular season and never working hard enough to improve his free throw shooting (the one dim bulb in his trillion-watt repertoire).

But we're pretty sure all the cheer and mayhem he unloaded during his Hall of Fame career outweigh these unfortunate character tics. He won three Finals MVP awards and was named to 15 All Star teams! He starred in two really silly movies! He was a pretty good rapper! He had no regard for backboards! He's one of the few players easily identifiable only from a silhouette! He was incredibly generous with his time and money! He turned the grumpy Celtics from curmudgeons to clowns! He danced with LeBron! He said so many funny things and gave himself so many funny nicknames!

Clearly it's been a road trip filled with both fun and folly. As O'Neal ends his playing career, we wonder which Shaq was the real one, and which one he'll be remembered as. Oddly, his performance on TNT will play a very large role in pinpointing his character and cementing his legacy. Hopefully he'll bump this mixtape in whatever over-sized car he's riding these days and reflect a little bit on himself before he embarks on phase two of his time in the public eye, because we're still rooting for him.

Tracklist after the jump.

NBA Middle Names: Paul Pierce

We at No Regard spend a lot of time in our NBA knitting circles trying to figure out the human side of these players. Whether it's musing about their commutes to work, how much "Call of Duty" they play, or what their favorite snack food is, we like to remind ourselves that NBA players are nothing more than young men with enviable jobs. What better way to humanize our heroes than look up their middle names?

Paul Anthony Pierce

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: Jeffrey Demarco Teague

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.

Craigslist Posting
 7/6/11, Atlanta, GA: Legal Secretary  

"Experienced Legal Secretary needed for growing law firm downtown. Must be extremely detailed, organized, flexible and must be able to hit the ground running. This position may require light billing. Ideal candidate will have a strong background in Insurance Defense. Must have experience with E-filing, Word, Outlook, Excel. Excellent benefits, location and salary."

Why He Should Apply


Jeffery Demarco Teague spent two years at the storied Wake Forest University. Since then, Teague's been known to hit the ground running, has a strong background in defense and knows how to play a position better than most.

The up-and-coming superstar is more than extremely detailed, organized and flexible.

He'll take the excellent benefits, location and salary, thank you very much. And we're not sure about his experience with E-filing, Word, Outlook, Excel, nor do we know if he has ever spent time working in a law office, or knows anything about law at all. So don't expect much as far as that gibberish is concerned.

What He Should Wear To The Interview

Yes, bring the jersey and hat along with the slick jacket and shirt combination. You're Jeff Teague, goddammit, a Legal Secretary.

Who'd You Get?!: Allen Iverson, SkyBox Premium (1997)

We at No Regard used to collect basketball cards. Convincing a parent to shuttle us and our friends to the local collector's shop was a consistently important victory. When we found out KMart was selling entire boxes for $20, we almost wore out our bike tires pedaling back and forth.

Now we've unearthed the cache, and the results are stunning. We've been reminded that players named Dino Radja and Wesley Person briefly and forcefully carved out steady roles for themselves in the league. We've been straight tickled by the goofy casual pics. And we've been touched and inspired by the relentless optimism of the copywriters. We hope you enjoy this odd time capsule, a Utopian angle from which to view the league, where everyone is the next somebody and context is pointless.

 

Back of the card after the jump.

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: Sasha Vujacic

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling.


CRAIGSLIST POSTING: Dog-Walker (Hoboken, NJ)

"A Hoboken based pet care company is looking for a detail oriented, responsible and committed individual to join our dog walking team!


Must be able to work Monday - Friday typically from 10:30 -- 5:30, although there are occasional evening and weekend walks. This is a long-term commitment (6mos. minimum). Great opportunity for a student, musician, or artist!


Must be willing to work during rain, snow, heat and humidity. Animal lover and comfort with dogs of all sizes is crucial. Previous professional experience as a dog walker is NOT required. We train!


Please send a detailed e-mail about yourself, your history with animals, your reasons for wanting to be a dog walker, your qualifications and references. There will be a background check. Please send a phone number where you can be reached."

Why He Should Apply

Happy Fourth of July

NBA Lockout Player Placement Services: Stephen Curry

With the lockout here, and here to stay, we have the sad prospect of no NBA games for quite some time. Instead of dwelling on the politics, finance and bullshit that's all conspired to strip our favorite league from us, we've decided to look on the bright side. New careers for our beloved NBA superstars! And what better place to look for these new ventures than Craigslist, a Website where wacky jobs are numerous and sometimes even real. Since they've already given us so much, we've taken the initiative to try and help these unemployed athletes find a new calling. 


Craigslist Posting: SF Bay Area, Line Cook - The tipsy PIG (marina/cow hollow)

"Looking for a line cook who has 2 years experience at a highly competitive well known restaurant . Fast past kitchen. Must be organized, clean, fast and detail oriented. Must be a team player. Serve safe a plus. Open schedule. Must be able to work both days, nights and weekends.


Thank you


please only serious career oriented cooks need apply." 

Why He Should Apply

I'm not sure if you follow Steph Curry on Twitter but I do and I've noticed a serious trend in his tweets as of late: So many of them are about food. For instance: "Bomb steak..." Or what about: "Bout to get physical with this club sandwich and afternoon nap." Sure, Steph may not have the necessary "2 years experience" as a line cook, but we certainly can confirm that Steph is organized, clean, fast and detailed oriented. Team player? You bet your ass, team player. Steph Curry represents the definition of "team player." Open weekends, days and nights? He is now.

What He Should Wear To The Interview

 Fun, casual, professional, pinstripe pants. You'll be grilling burgers in no time, Steph!

The NBA Lockout Has Started