What The Playoffs Mean: The Playoffs Kinda Suck When Your Team Plays

The playoffs are the sacred text, broad and malleable enough to explain any point of view. They are the way players reach immortality, the way GMs keep their jobs for another year. They are the reason Courtney Lee, Trevor Ariza, JJ Barea and Derek Fisher are kind of close to household names. They are why they play the games and why we watch. But they also mean a lot more than this, which is why we are here. From now until the end of the finals, we'll be here, toiling away, trying to unpack exactly what makes these games so great, exactly What The Playoffs Mean.
 
Here's how I imagine a day in the life of a near-homeless heroin addict:

No Regard Previews: Xs and Os

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Boston Celtics vs. New York Knicks

The last time these two basketball outfits met, the ball game ended in a chaotic mess. Carmelo Anthony alerted the NYPD and whoever else would listen that a citywide manhunt of Kevin Garnett must ensue. So tonight, one can only imagine that the majority of TNT's coverage will center around these two competitive gents. Will they shake hands? Will they fight? Will they kiss!?

But since we pride ourselves on ignoring all that silly stuff, instead focusing only on round ball tactics and nothing else here at No Regard I'll say this: Tonight's professional basketball bonanza presents a very serious contrast in basketball playing styles. 

The Knicks (a Manhattan-based, paid basketball squad) rely heavily on shots from far away that count for three points, three-pointers if you will, as well as chucked-up bombs from New Jersey native J.R. Smith. Smith may or may not close his eyes before he wings the orange sphere towards the cylinder. They also give opponents a heavy dose of Brooklyn-born Carmelo from Redhook, whose ability to score anywhere on the floor is the bee's knees. The Knickerbocker's are known to sprinkle in some high screen-and-rolls, too, arguably the most basic play in all of basketball plays.

Here's how it works: One player, usually a point-guard, (but in the modern NBA anything goes) bounces a ball into the floor while he waits for a bigger guy to get in the way of a guy wearing a different color tank top whose job it is to try and stop him from doing great stuff. Then, the player still pounding the leather thing into the court either drives hard to the rack, hoping to score, or passes the rock (slang for basketball) to the guy who was getting in the way a second ago. This guy is now headed to the hole himself. Complicated, but true.

The Celtics (a Boston-based, paid basketball group of men) put a strong emphasis on defensive stops, so that they can own the transition game. They also prefer mid-range jump shots preceded by penetration from their two best wing players, Rajon Rondo and Paul Pierce. Sometimes, this works, but other times the Celtics lack of offensive diversity leads them to get smoked by talentless hacks like Larry Frank's Pistons (a Detroit-based basketball franchise).

Whatever happens tonight, this much we know for certain: Grown men will box each other out. Millions will watch while consuming alcohol. Lord knows I'll have a pinot noir or two. 

One Game We Won't Watch Tonight: Orlando Magic vs. Toronto Raptors

Not to brag, but Andrew and I went to the Raptors-Nets game the other day in Brooklyn at Barclays Center (don't say the "The," they don't like it when you say "The Barclays Center"). It was the best day of our lives. I learned that Landry Fields makes a living playing guard for the Raptors now. Complicated, but true.

Anyway, nobody loves Big Baby Davis more than me, but I'll be watching the All-Star reserve announcements instead of taking this one in. So sue me if I would rather listen to Charles breakdown who got snubbed or whatever. It's a free country. Obama told me two days ago. 

No Regard Presidential Previews: New York Knicks (George W. Bush)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - George W. Bush

When we first came up with the idea to link presidents to teams for our NBA season previews, it didn't take long for a sense of dread to come over me. I was very much looking forward to fleshing this whole thing out, of course, but I also knew that there'd have to be a discussion I very much wished to avoid: that of who to pair with my Knicks.

The idea of W. was not mine, and at first, I fought it hard. I had lots of reasons for why we just couldn't make that comparison. The Knicks are a decent team, and W. was a terrible president (objective journalism!). The Knicks are an historically flashy team in one of the country's most liberal cities; W. was a "good ol' boy" who gave shape to much of the conservative, anti-"urban elitist" rhetoric that has dominated the right over the past four-plus years. The Knicks are an endlessly frustrating, reactionary, often bumbling team owned by a megalomaniac who... shit, wait a second.

I soon realized that there was no escaping this. The emotions that race through my body when I think back to the week after November 2, 2004—sadness, anger, hopelessness—are very similar to the emotions I wake up with every day as a Knicks fan. James Dolan, the team's infamous owner, has a sadistic knack for spitting in the face of logic and evidence and making decisions that should be seen as illegal. To outsiders, Dolan's reign can appear as an exercise in comic incompetence; ha, another dumb decision, silly guy! We on the frontlines of the War Against Happiness know, however, that he is not just a dunce who knocks everything over as he stumbles across the floor. He is a dangerous man who puts politics above the well-being of his subjects and who has the ability to inflict damage that will outlast him. While you could say the same for just about any president, W. lived those principles to the extreme.

So now, here I am, on the wrong side of the second term, wondering how the hell I let this—my Knicks fandom—last this long, how I allowed my life to be dictated by this jerk for the foreseeable future. I made this bed, James Dolan shat in it, and now I have to lie in a bed with a bunch of James Dolan's shit.

What about this year, though? Does it hold promise that things will be easier to get through, that my disappointment will be tempered? It's possible, but I doubt it. The health of Tyson Chandler and Amar'e Stoudemire are both in question, to the extent that Rasheed Wallace has been told to report for duty. Letting Jeremy Lin fly the coop and bringing in Raymond "The Felch" Felton and backup Jason Kidd is not a terrible basketball move, but neither one of those guys will be an X-factor, even if Felton returns to his previous Knicks-era level of production. Our shoot-em-up bench players, Steve Novak and J.R. Smith, will not see as many open looks as last year, both because defenses know not to leave them alone and Felton and Kidd don't have the ability to draw in defenses as well as Lin did.

The two players who, for my money, will decide the fate of the Knicks this year are Iman Shumpert and Carmelo Anthony. When Sophomore Shump returns from injury around January, he will hopefully bring the kind of defensive guard intensity he showed during his freshman campaign, the kind that straight up wins ball games down the stretch. Along with Chandler, he makes the Knicks a team that can score off turnovers, which they'll need to do. (For now, he'll continue harassing Andray Blatche.)

Of course, Carmelo Anthony is the man with the real weight of the world on his shoulders. Melo, as the only completely healthy star on the Knicks November 1 roster, will be the undisputed center of the team's offense, a role he relishes. If he can use the opportunity to become a true leader at both ends of the court, the Knicks could flourish along with him. But he will be working without much help for at least a month, and even though some might say he likes it that way, there's no denying that the Knicks cannot rely on him alone for too extended a period of time. I wish I were more confident that the team would be able to get off to a hot enough start to keep them in the mix into the spring, but I've learned that optimism is toxic for Knicks fans.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Voltorb

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "[Knicks Suck Pun]!"- New York Post

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Video: Shumpert and Blatche Pushing Fight Caught on Subway!"- WorldStarHipHop

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Sorry James, you can't come in."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Denver Nuggets (John Quincy Adams)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.” - John Quincy Adams

While he would never be as famous or well-remembered as his father, John Quincy Adams was a fantastic diplomat and a surprisingly progressive president. Elected in 1824 after a highly successful eight-year stint as Secretary of State that included acquiring Florida from Spain and authoring the Monroe Doctrine, John Quincy Adams opposed slavery and pushed for the modernization of American infrastructure.

The Nuggets were not supposed to matter after Carmelo Anthony forced a trade to the Knicks. Denver was destined to become Cleveland West, acquiring Danilo Gallinari, Wilson Chandler, Raymond Felton and others for Melo, Chauncey Billups and others. Well, Gallinari turned into a star, Ty Lawson began coming of age and the Nuggets drafted Kenneth Faried and traded for JaVale McGee, two phenomenal physical specimens.

An incredible diplomat, Adams was known for working peacefully with leaders around the world. The Nuggets seem to be willing to trade with pretty much anyone. This summer, after already shipping Nene to Washington for McGee, Denver dealt Arron Afflalo and Al Harrington for Andre Iguodala, another incredibly athletic, hard-working player to lead their young team. A team that took the Lakers to seven games in the first round the year after trading the biggest star in franchise history is only getting better. Where John Quincy Adams was a sneaky-good leader of the free world, the Nuggets are a sleeper team that could make noise in the Western Conference for years to come.

Will the young, upstart Nuggets continue to grow under super-coach George Karl? Will GM Masai Ujiri stir things up once more? Can the Nuggets reach the second round?

(On a separate note, do yourself a favor and search YouTube for "JaVale McGee dumb plays" you won't be disappointed. Keep in mind, this man is getting paid $10 million this year.)

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Zapdos

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Andre Miller a Great Teacher for Lawson"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Stuff JaVale Bought"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Why are you here? I thought you couldn't be killed."

Panda-monium

So Chris Paul and Melo went to China and then this happened:

Yep.

No Regard Previews: A New Show On Broadway

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight:
New York Knicks vs. Milwaukee Bucks

The scene is going to be wild tonight during the first game of the Melo Era in Madison Sqaure Garden. After almost a decade of terrible decisions, and pathetic basketball teams, New York Knick nation has a right to be ridiculously excited. And who better to take over the Big Apple than one of its own, Carmelo Anthony? This evening's game marks the start of something special for both New York City and the NBA. Seriously.

Mikhail Prokhorov: Deal With It

"Yeah, he's a very interesting man. So, for me to just be in the room with him and just have a conversation with him, I would have loved that." - Carmelo Anthony

"This was no white knight sashaying into the States on a horse, but a basketball dummy on a donkey. This franchise has a long, illustrious history of sitcom moments, and this ranks with the most entertaining of all." - Adrian Wojnarowski

"So like the stern headmaster in a really wacky private school, he announced that he’s canceling the prom because his recalcitrant students lobbed a stink bomb into the science lab." - Dave D'Alessandro

"The Russian smelled a rat from an ocean away, and Mikhail Prokhorov swooped in Wednesday to stomp on it." - Ken Berger

"The deal is dead. Done. Denver, ‘Melo, Chris Sheridan, Woj, et al, shove it. The buck stops here... [Prokhorov] earned his stripes last night and he proved what should have been obvious from the get-go – no one becomes a billionaire by being a patsy." - Mark Ginocchio

No Regard Daily Previews: No Melo Talk!

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight:
Denver Nuggets vs. Phoenix Suns
The Nets and Nuggets need to work on their red-zone offense, because after Chris Broussard of ESPN reported on Sunday that the deal was, "on the 10-yard line," here I am two days later waiting for a touchdown that still hasn't formulated. At the risk of having a panic attack, we won't discuss the massive pink elephant that's going to be stomping around the Pepsi Center tonight and instead compare the two teams playing in the game as constituted.

2011 NBA Resolutions

2011 is here and here to stay, folks, and we're sure some of you are knee-deep in your New Year's resolutions. At No Regard, we believe that NBA players should be no different than the rest of us when it comes to making some much needed changes. We've found a list of some of the more popular resolutions and decided to apply them to some of the league's employees.

1. Spend More Time With Family and Friends: Carmelo Anthony

Well, it looks like things are finally shaping up. And by "things" I mean a complete demolition of three current teams in order to, once and for all, bring 'Melo to the NY/NJ region. It's not pretty, but it will be nice to just have this over with so that we can stop hearing one DOA rumor after another. So, 'Melo, if and when the ink is on the paper, make sure you take advantage of your return and call all those cousins and childhood friends from Red Hook that you haven't seen in years. They've been waiting for you. -Ain't

Melo Drama: Ex-Nets Ruin the Fun

So the Melo drama has come to an end, at least for Nets fans. Today, it became official that the proposed four-team megadeal that would send Carmelo Anthony to my beloved home state has been killed.

Which gives us the perfect opportunity to dedicate the necessary time to the most troublesome news bit from the weekend. Reportedly, after Kobe crashed the party, what added most to Melo's hesitancy about moving to Jersey was discussions with former Nets who "warned" him about the Nets' dismal fanbase and poor placement on the New York-area sports totem.

Look. We're not going to dive into the details here, but trust us, these criticisms are unfounded. Yes, we know games at the Izod Center in recent years had the atmosphere of a child's wake; we were there. But things are clearly very different now, so no former Net has any idea what being a Prokhorov employee means.

Tream Dreamin' 2011: Denver Nuggets

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

There has sure been a lot of 'Melo wants out of Denver' chatter since LeBron made his decision to play in Miami. The experts have spent the last two months breaking down the potential suitors for Anthony and it makes me sick. So, Denver Nuggets, I plead of you this:

Decide either way what you are going to do about Melo immediately! It's killing us out here!

It's not that I'm upset to hear that Carmelo might leave Denver. It's that I can't bear any more agonizing days in which I spend my minutes debating the different places he might end up and how that might effect the NBA.

Seriously, I cringe thinking about how, for almost two years, I was so obsessed with where LeBron was going to end up I found myself saying phrases like, "He's staying, bro. No way he leaves his hometown without a ring," and "He's coming to the Nets, dude. How could he say no to BK, Jay-Z, and one of the richest people in the world?" on a daily basis.

Now, with all the Melo conversation going on, I again find myself saying phrases like, "He's staying, bro. No way he leaves Denver without a ring," and "He's coming to the Nets, dude. They have the most to offer him. How could he say no to BK, Jay-Z, and Devin Harris?" on a daily basis.

So Denver, bro, get on your horse and move him already. Or don't move him. Whatever it is you want to do, do it ASAP. But send him to the Nets, dude. How can you say no to Melo in BK, with Jay-Z and Devin Harris?

Waving Off Melo

Team USA took on Brazil yesterday in our first real test during the FIBA competition this summer. America won by two points. Phew. 3-0, baby! What do I take away from the game? Something I have felt and believed for a few years now that, "Mr. Big-Shot" Chauncey Billups needs to have his name revised to, "Mr. Ball-Hog" ASAP.

Forever engraved in my mind is an image of Billups from this past NBA season which defines my assertion that his nickname needs a makeover. The Nuggets were playing the Cavs and the game was tight the entire way. Melo was on fire, and dominant for Denver. With the seconds ticking away at the end of regulation Billups was bringing the ball up with the score tied. Melo, open in the front court, called for the rock. Billups, with a looked that screamed, "I'm Mr. Big Shot, I got this," waved Anthony off, dribbled the clock out and jacked up a brick as time expired. Classic. In OT, Melo drained a 17 footer in the face of King James at the buzzer to win what was maybe the best game of season. Ruthless.

I flipped when I witnessed Billups wave off Melo that night. Similarly, I flipped yesterday when I witnessed Billups call his own number over and over again down the stretch in a close game, miss bad shots, and refuse to pass to better scorers in Durant and Rose. Painful. If Carmelo leaves Denver this season Chauncey's career is finished. He had some great years with Detroit in which he hit a few clutch shots but every hog has his day.

Who do you think you are, Mr. Ball-Hog?

If You See Something, Say Something

IYSSSS is our semi-regular Internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Andy Gray Twitter: If you're not following @si_vault on Twitter, you're missing out on photos like the one above showing brazen New York Red Bull Thierry Henry. That empty seat Longoria is clearly holding belongs to her husband, San Antonio Spur Tony Parker. We know because we saw them on The Kiss Cam. Henry, you've got to calm it down buddy.

AdonalFoyle.com [via TrueHoop]: The veteran center calls it a career, and does so by stomping his mind grapes into a decedent goodbye poem. New best quote by an NBA player ever: "Don't be fooled by the magicians' nibble fingers." Truth.

NBA Fanhouse: Bethlehem Shoals and Tom Ziller have been writing The Works, their daily views of the NBA's biggest stories, for a week now. I said they are the new Red and Meth, Ziller prefers Raekwon and RZA. Today's talks Bosh as villain, the Melo "report," and James Dolan's communication problems.