2011 NBA Resolutions

2011 is here and here to stay, folks, and we're sure some of you are knee-deep in your New Year's resolutions. At No Regard, we believe that NBA players should be no different than the rest of us when it comes to making some much needed changes. We've found a list of some of the more popular resolutions and decided to apply them to some of the league's employees.

1. Spend More Time With Family and Friends: Carmelo Anthony

Well, it looks like things are finally shaping up. And by "things" I mean a complete demolition of three current teams in order to, once and for all, bring 'Melo to the NY/NJ region. It's not pretty, but it will be nice to just have this over with so that we can stop hearing one DOA rumor after another. So, 'Melo, if and when the ink is on the paper, make sure you take advantage of your return and call all those cousins and childhood friends from Red Hook that you haven't seen in years. They've been waiting for you. -Ain't




2. Fit in Fitness: Baron Davis

This past December, Clippers owner and certified crazyface Donald Sterling was seen hurling taunts at Davis from the sideline. Among these jeers were comments on the point guard's weight. Dick move, no doubt about it. But Sterling wasn't wrong. B Dubs certainly did have a few too many double Whoppers over the summer, and the NBA is far too athletic a league for that not to affect performance. Now, Davis's injuries have certainly been the driving force behind his decreased performance the last couple years, but the extra bulk isn't helping. Baron, if you can stay healthy and fit, Blake Griffin will make you look as good as you've ever looked before. -Ain't

3. Tame the Bulge: Greg Oden
We know it must be tough, but try to keep that thing in your pants this year, buddy! (And no, we can't post a photo here. Perv.) -Abides

4. Quit Smoking: Adam Morrison

Word has it that not only does Morrison use chewing tobacco, but he actually smokes cancer sticks (with Ponyboy in the alley, natch). -Ain't

5. Enjoy Life More: Gilbert Arenas
Fresh start. He had us worried about him during those final couple months in Washington. He sounded like he had lost all will to play, and what with winter and SAD coming, we were prepared to see him inch closer to breakdown territory. But so far, he seems to be enjoying himself in Orlando, even giving us glimpses of the old Agent Zero. Like my boy Johnny P said:

-Ain't

6. Quit Drinking: Caron Butler
We're talking about Mountain Dew, right? Or is it Tuff Juice? -Ain't

7. Get Out of Debt: Rod Thorn and Ed Stefanski

The 76ers' President of Basketball Operations and General Manager, respectively, Thorn and Stefanski really need to figure out a way not to spend $69.3 million on their currently 13-21 team. That's $11.3 million above the this year's salary cap, meaning that once you factor in the luxury tax fee (simply the amount above the cap) the final price tag for this squad is $80.6 million. For reference, that is $3 million more than the San Antonio Spurs will cost this season, and $8 million more than the Miami Heat—the two teams, according to John Hollinger's Playoff Odds, with the greatest chance of winning the NBA title. According to that same man, the Sixers are actually a good bet to make the playoffs, but what's the point? So guys, take however many lunch meetings with your accountants it takes and blow this thing up. -Abides

8. Learn Something New: Nick Young

We thought about assigning this to Michael Beasley, as he's been a tad maligned recently about only having one offensive move (essentially a pull-up jumper from the left side), but we have no interest in telling Michael Beasley what to do. Our unconditional love for him is not of the parental variety; we gush about him and spoil him like grandparents.

So we come to Young, who is really (and finally) close to becoming a real scoring option. But he's got to add a few things to his game, because right now, along with his career-high 15.2 points per game, he's averaging 2.4 rebounds, 0.8 assists, 0.7 steals, and 0.3 blocks. You're jumper's solid and that 360 layup you seem to always fall back on is endearingly reckless, but figure out another go-to offensive move or what it takes to get even 1.5 steals a game and you'll be a regular starter in this league (or, more fruitful for you, a scoring threat off the bench on a good team)! -Abides

9. Help Others: Derek Fisher

How in the world does the starting point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers only average 2.7 assists per game? I'm fairly certain that if I played with Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol every night, I would be averaging at least three, even if those aforementioned teammates were slumping, as it were. -Ain't

10. Get Organized: JaVale McGee

This one's a bit short-sighted, but you really have to prepare for this dunk contest you're scheduled for, buddy. As one of three big men in the contest (and not the one for whom the entire NBA fan landscape is melting), you run a serious risk of coming off as repetitive. You certainly don't have the assets needed to out-power either Griffin or Ibaka, so you've got to come correct with the creativity.

So get those mind grapes organized! Create a Google Doc with all of your ideas and invite your dunk coach Chris Webber to the spreadsheet (and don't forget to give him editing capabilities!). Assign values to each dunk—difficulty, aesthetics, gimmickry, historical relevance, etc.—and you'll have a strong plan of action from the start. If you go in with a few half-formed ideas and just "do what you feel," you'll run the risk of becoming a dunk contest punchline for years to come.

This type of organization would most certainly help your promising (yet underdeveloped) game on the actual basketball court, but make sure your priorities are straight here—for the next month it's all dunk contest everything. -Abides