Monday, October 1, 2012

No Regard Presidential Previews: Miami Heat (Barack Obama)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.



“If you turn away now – if you buy into the cynicism that the change we fought for isn't possible… well, change will not happen.” - Barack Obama

Grand, unreasonable promises were made. Optimistic mantras were turned into sarcastic comments on early failures. Change is within reach, but uncertain.

With LeBron’s megalomaniacal aspirations and the Ray Allen injection, this Miami Heat season will almost definitely avoid the lame duck championship hangover. These guys have survived a first term filled with rabid naysayers yelling about broken promises, but you can only win so many championships each year. And now they are ready to chase history. LeBron is unhinged and Bosh has settled in to his role (which is photobombing). Wade’s health is, as always, a question mark, but how much does that matter anymore? Mike Miller is dead, and Rashard Lewis is alive.

Let’s prematurely crown them once again and fast forward to their kind-of-inevitable Finals matchup with the Lakers: The decisive battleground in The Positional Revolution. Will Coach Spo, the unassuming up-ender of basketball mores, continue leading the path towards positional irrelevance? Or will he bend to the Lakers’ size and play five guys with different heights? Does he have the personnel to even make that choice? Will he start wearing the backwards hat during games?

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Team Rocket

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: “LeBron shows once again why he is finally the best player in the game.”

Headline we're most looking forward to: “Super Nintendo Chalmers Something Something Something Something.”

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: “Jesus, you guys really are fun to watch.”

2 comments:

  1. I know a little about the presidents and way less about basketball but these are my impressions:

    Stop it, this is not right. This could make sense if this was November 2008 and the current Heat team was the one that one the finals in the spring of 2008. As it currently stands, the Heat are reigning champions enjoying having delivered to fans what they promised. Obama is desperately trying to convince people he deserves a second term and has yet to prove he is the real deal to many of his supporters. The Lakers seem to be worthy adversaries. Obama really only stands a chance because...Mitt Romney.

    I think what Obama and the Heat have most in common is their tendency to passionately divide people talking about them and that wasn't even mentioned.

    Now, if I had my way, my tried and true OKC Thunder would be Obama because they're the best and he's the best and I have faith in both of them to make me happy in their upcoming seasons.

    If this was October 2008 and the new Brooklyn Nets were in 2008 then Obama and the Brooklyn Nets would have to be aligned because the capabilities of both have been touted to mythological proportions.

    I am looking forward to reading the rest of the matchups!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Such a great comment. But, they are both the incumbent. And the divisiveness was unspoken but implied.

    Check back tomorrow for the Thunder!

    ReplyDelete

ShareThis