No Regard Presidential Previews: Washington Wizards (William Howard Taft)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“I do not know much about politics, but I am trying to do the best I can with this administration until the time shall come for me to turn it over to somebody else.” - William H. Taft


William Howard Taft did not care about politics. He didn't know the system, didn't appoint the right people to the right positions within his party and didn't care about any of it. More than anything, Big Bill wanted to be a Supreme Court justice. Taft lucked into the presidency by gaining 159 more electoral votes than opponent William Jennings Bryan, but got only 51 percent of the popular vote. Four years later, in 1912, Taft won only eight electoral votes and suffered the worst defeat of an incumbent president in American history. In 1921 he got his wish of being named Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, so there's that.

The Washington Wizards do not make sense. The "glory years" of early playoff exits are long over. The Verizon Center has not been a fun place to be since $111 million dollar man Gilbert deemed it necessary to pack heat and the Gil-Tuff Juice-Antawn Jamison core was split up. Our nation's capital has featured a heavy dose of Andray Blatche getting booed, Nick Young and Jordan Crawford shooting within three seconds of touching the ball, questionable trades and an incredibly slow maturation process for John Wall.

Taft, by all accounts our fattest and most epically mustached President, wanted badly to lower tariffs despite Congress' unwillingness to go along with it. His own party was also against it, thus alienating all sides. Willing to trade seemingly anyone for anything, the Wizards turned a ton of guaranteed cap space in Rashard Lewis into the bloated deals of Emeka Okafor and Trevor Ariza. Okafor was brought in for veteran leadership while Ariza appears to be completely disinterested and has changed teams seven times in nine years. GM Ernie Grunfeld defended the move by saying free agents do not want to sign with the Wizards, so he had to do something. If you want to alienate both the players and fans, saying nobody would want to play with or for them is a pretty good start. If that's your thought process, you should not be an NBA general manager. (Also, what's he talking about? DC ain't half bad! It's at absolute worst the 11th best NBA city to live in.)

Our 27th President had his moments—helping to economically support Latin American countries using "Dollar Diplomacy," resisted unnecessary involvement in the Mexican Revolution and generally urged world peace. The Wizards, though not ready to actually compete for a playoff spot, have rid themselves of immature headcases Andray Blatche, Nick Young and JaVale McGee and replaced them with Okafor and Nene, two respected professionals. This is actually kind of a grown-up team now, and having responsible veterans around will help in the development of John Wall (once he gets healthy) and youngsters Bradley Beal and Jan Vesely.

Purchasing tickets to see this team appeals to me about as much as a trip to the William Howard Taft National Historic Site in Cincinnati, but they won't be the laughingstock Taft was that one time he got stuck in the bathtub and told his aides to use butter to get him out. If Taft can lose 80 pounds after being President and achieve his dream of being Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, the Wizards may one day get back into playoff contention (hopefully re-branded back to the Bullets).

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Koffing

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Ernie Grunfeld Still Not Yet Fired"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Jannero Pargo, Earl Barron Still in NBA"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Sorry JaVale and Nick weren't allowed to play with you anymore. I know you guys had fun at your laser tag birthday parties."