No Regard Presidential Previews: Phoenix Suns (Warren G. Harding)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“America's present need is not heroics, but healing; not nostrums but normalcy; not revolution, but restoration.” - Warren G. Harding

For the first time in a very long time, the Phoenix Suns will take the basketball court on opening day and arguably the most popular player in their history won't be fulfilling the team's point guard duties.  That's right: the once-long-haired, creative, string-pulling passer known for deadly accurate shooting and dribbling the hell out of the basketball is eating brunch with Kobe and Dwight on road trips this season (mostly fruit, no doubt). What to do for a team that has literally and figuratively been built around Nash for almost a decade? 

History is confused about how to remember Warren G. Harding. On one hand, some of his ideas were modern and progressive. He felt strongly about embracing minority rights, and was open to new cultures and technologies. Discussions about his legacy get awkward because of all that pesky scandal and corruption. Apparently, it's frowned upon to offer important government jobs to your buddies, especially when they use said jobs for personal gains. Who knew? 

These mixed reviews sum up the 2012-2013 Phoenix outfit. With their hero gone, the Suns were forced to try and put together a squad that would not only make them forget that Nash is now playing for a longtime rival, but also compete, at least a little. They did make some, albeit confusing, fan-friendly moves—nabbing, for starters, the always relevant Michael Beasley. Then there is the long-haired, multi-talented Argentinian gentleman, Luis Scola—he's a Sun now, too!  

Strange is the return of Steve Nash Lite, Goran Dragic. Dragic, mentored by Nash, has always had his skill set compared to the Canadian's. After playing in Houston the past few seasons, he's back! His pacey ball-handling will be critical in trying to dull the pain left from Steve's absence (or will his game just remind them of what they once had?). 

Then, the rabbit hole gets extremely deep when you think about the fact that Jermaine O'Neal and Sebastian Telfair are on the squad. What? As of now, JO is the only center on the roster besides the Polish Hammer and the existence of Bassey Telfair really makes my head spin. 

In a post-WWI America, Harding made it his duty to bring a semblance of normalcy back to his country. In a Nashless Phoenix, the Suns are doing their best to do the same. Instead, the roster they scrambled together, simply put, is perplexing. Even the death of Harding is murky. Was he poisoned by his wife, or did he just die of pneumonia? What will come of the new-look Suns, how will their story end? 

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Porygon

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Jermaine O'Neal is confused over which leg he injured"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Nash return to Phoenix highlighted by 55-minute pre-game tribute video"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Bassey, I loved Through the Fire. Can I have your autograph?"

No Regard Presidential Previews: Sacramento Kings (Franklin Pierce)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“Frequently the more trifling the topic, the more animated and protracted the discussion.” - Franklin Pierce

To say Franklin Pierce was a memorable, celebrated president would be to tell a complete lie. Despite winning the 1852 election in a landslide, Pierce went on to become one of history's least popular and most ineffective presidents and was not nominated by his own party for a second term. By badly mishandling the Kansas-Nebraska Act and admitting Kansas to the United States as a slave state, Pierce lost support of his own party and became the first president to hire a full-time bodyguard. Pierce, a New Hampshire native, had been one of the country's most successful lawyers before taking office, but tarnished his name and legacy beyond repair.

The Sacramento Kings had their moments in the sun. The days of the 6th Man rocking Arco Arena feel so long ago now, but in the early 2000s, the Kings were a force to be reckoned with, led by Chris Webber, Peja Stojakovic, Vlade Divac and No Regard's own Mike Bibby. Then Peja got traded for Ron Artest, Webber was dealt for 30 cents on the dollar and the Maloof brothers started hemorrhaging cash. The Kings have been a lottery team with one foot out the door ever since.

Currently, the three highest paid players on the Kings, in order, are John Salmons, Marcus Thornton and Francisco Garcia. Tyreke Evans, their former Rookie of the Year (because Blake Griffin was injured), appears to be one of the worst teammates in basketball, and his scoring and rebounding numbers have declined every year since he became a pro. The next year's pick, DeMarcus Cousins, is insanely talented, but may also be an insane person. Cousins has the potential to be one of the best big men in the game, but has already gotten one coach fired by refusing to travel with the team until Paul Westphal was relieved of his duties. Westphal was likely just plain relieved. Second year point guard Isaiah Thomas gives the Kings a modicum of hope, despite being hilariously booed at Madison Square Garden because of the curse of being named Isaiah Thomas. Other players on this team include Chuck Hayes, Aaron Brooks and former Basketball-Tebow and current forgotten bench guy Jimmer Fredette. That isn't good.

The Kings are going nowhere fast. Geographically, yes, but they are certain to remain in the lottery. The 6th Man is gone forever and their arena is named after a bracelet designed to make you balance better or something. For a long stretch this summer, the merchandise link on the team website led to an error page. You can't make this stuff up.

At the end of the Pierce presidency, the landslide election that brought him into office must have felt so long ago, just as the shadows of Peja and Webber hang over the Purple and Black in their remaining days in California's capital city. It was a good run, for a little while.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Farfetch'd

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Maloofs Back Out of Another Stadium Deal"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Kings Offer 'Buy One Seat, Get Entire Section Free' Ticket Deal, Tens of Fans Flock to Arena"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "You guys had some good times, right? Right?"

No Regard Presidential Previews: Boston Celtics (George Washington)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"An army of asses led by a lion is vastly superior to an army of lions led by an ass." - George Washington

It is difficult to imagine what it would have been like to be one of Washington's soldiers the morning orders were given that the Delaware River was to be forged. 

"Get your mittens on and load up that musket, Washington says we're sneaking into Trenton to surprise the Brits. Apparently, they're all sleeping.

"Come again, bro?" 

Put yourself in their shoes: Instead of heading home to your wife and a deliciously cooked Christmas ham, you now have to pack three days worth of food, wear two pairs of socks and cross a frigid river, avoiding huge chunks of ice in a crappy wooden rowboat along the way. Oh yeah, you probably do not know how to swim and arm floaties have not hit the shelves of Toys 'R' Us yet. 

You would have to feel pretty strongly about General Washington to be willing to to go ahead with such a wacky move. 

That blind faith and belief in leadership is not so different than the sort of compassion and trust that the players on the Celtics feel for their fiery leader, Doc Rivers. Rivers has such a hold over this group that he got KG to play three more years, morphed a once very raw Rondo into one of the league's most game-changing players, convinced Jason Terry to join the corps and put together a group that bloggers and pundits suggest, each preseason, should be butchered by their opponents. 

But, each year, they're not, just like Washington's upstart soldiers were not ravaged by the Redcoats.  Although I cannot be sure, (I am not on the Celtics, unfortunately) I am convinced that one of the main reasons this group loves Rivers so much is because, like them, Rivers was a player—he knows what it is like to live the life of an NBA baller. And although I cannot be sure (I was not alive during Washington's presidency, fortunately) I imagine one of the main reasons Washington was such a popular president was because he was a soldier and general before taking office.

Just as there are multiple ways to skin a cat, there are many different methods to leading. The most important tool for a coach, general or president, though, is knowing that the group of individuals you are in charge of will do anything you feel necessary. Even if it means possibly drowning and becoming a watery corpse while trying to get to Trenton via a big river. Or in the case of this years Celtics, being assured that your players will get on board with a potential starting five that might include Darko, which is perhaps Rivers' most impressive accomplishment yet.   

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Drowzee

Headline we’ll be most sick of reading: "Injuries Prevent Championship Aspirations For Aging Celtics"

Headline we’re most looking forward to: "Celtics Force a Game Seven With Miami in Eastern Conference Finals"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Sorry, but I have to let Ray in also, guys. I mean, did you see He Got Game?  Dude can act."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Indiana Pacers (Woodrow Wilson)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Armed neutrality, it now appears, is impracticable." - Woodrow Wilson

I don't mean to speak for an entire generation here, but I think I can safely say that for folks my age (27), it's pretty easy to forget that Woodrow Wilson LED OUR COUNTRY INTO A GODDAMNED WAR. The GREAT war. I mean, what do you think about when you think about Woodrow Wilson? Glasses! Smartypants! The '20s, maybe? But surprise, Woodrow Wilson sent over four million soldiers to kill and be killed with, for the first time, machine guns, tanks and submarines. That's right, forget about women's suffrage, the Federal Reserve Act and the "He kept us out of war" re-election slogan. Dude could be pretty aggro. Once again, I'm sorry if this is all common knowledge, but I think we Gen Y dummies need reminding that this guy was not your grandmother's guy who looks like your grandfather.

You know who else went to war? Last year? The Indiana Pacers. With the Miami Heat. In the Eastern Conference semis. "Oh yeah," you're saying, "That was a pretty intense series, right? What was it, six games?" Yes. Six intense games that nearly broke the Heat down, nearly stalled them for good on their road to proving correct the laws of human physics. The Pacers, you see, were then and are now much more than cornfields, three pointers and snoozy home games. They are not sitting in a Midwestern ivory tower of mediocrity like they were—to this Knicks fan's delight—for so many years. This team is serious, and like Woody, pretty fucking dangerous.

What more do you need to know about star of NBC hit sitcom "Parks & Recreation" Roy Hibbert? With Dwight gone and this being a contract year, he'll put up a good fight against Bynum for the title of best center in the East. [Ed. - Myself and Brook Lopez would like to point out that this is a three-man race.] It seems like every year we all talk about his potential, and he has indeed improved each season. With his defensive mastery intact, Hibbert just needs to up his scoring average by about two points, and he should be an automatic All-Star. The ceiling on him remains so high that it's gaudy, and he should be able to reach that ceiling, because he is very very tall.

Danny Granger just needs to show up this year looking like he shot the ball once during the offseason. Last season, he didn't. But barring another horrendous start out of the gate, he should look like Regular Danny Granger, which is pretty damn good. Not 2008-2009 good, but then again, Granger shouldn't need to score as much now as he did then. The Pacers arsenal of young talent can help pick up any slack; Paul George and George Hill both may have breakout years in them. It will especially help Hill that D.J. Augustin, who is more of a pure point guard, is now there.

David West is certainly not The Guy here, as he often had to be in New Orleans, but he still offers a good mid-range presence, which is increasingly important for teams who wish to compete in the Age of Boshquarius. No Regard Logoman Gerald Green should produce a nice spark off the bench, and Tyler Hansbrough, Ian Mahinmi and rookie Miles Plumlee will all contribute down low.

The bottom line is this: The Indiana Pacers have to be talked about as one of only a couple teams in the East that could knock off Miami and make it the Finals. They'll get a head start in the Central Division while the Bulls are sans Rose, and one can see momentum becoming this team's best friend. The Heat know these guys can ball, and something tells me that for all that team's confidence and talent, they are praying nightly not to meet the Pacers in the playoffs.

This team, like Woodrow Wilson, can do damage when they need to. Just ask the Germans.


Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Blastoise

Headline we’ll be most sick of reading: “By George, I think they've got it!”

Headline we’re most looking forward to: “Roy Hibbert to serve as guest warm-up comic for Aziz Ansari standup special”

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: “So... what exactly do you guys do for fun in Indiana? ... Yikes, sorry about that.”

No Regard Presidential Previews: San Antonio Spurs (Dwight D. Eisenhower)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Plans are worthless, but planning is everything." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Dwight D. Eisenhower has affected your life more than most presidents. Many of you benefit directly from him daily, couldn’t function without him. He championed the Interstate Highway System. Yeah, that’s your jam right there. You drive all over that thing.

The Spurs? They’ve long ago laid the groundwork for a system of coaches, veterans and expectations that allows for continued, unparalleled success—a convenient commute to championships, if you will. (Sorry.)

Also, like Ike, the Spurs' domestic achievements have always been overlooked in favor of their foreign policy record. Yes, Parker and Ginobli (and maybe even Duncan because none of us really know what the U.S. Virgin Islands are—it’s like, we know their name leads strong with “U.S.” but they’re not states, right?) are imports and should be lauded as such. But the organization’s true gift has been cultivating role players right here on U.S. soil. The greatest trick the Spurs ever pulled was convincing Stephen Jackson he didn’t exist. By dropping him and all the other average role players into their elite system of highways and extra passes, they’ve kept moving, kept evolving into whatever form Triple G Popovich needs them to assume each given year.

It’s tough to know if Tony Parker’s Popovich-mandated takeover of the team last year has resulted in any systematic changes. Would the Duncan-headed '04-'05 squad have allowed a winning streak (something Popovich notoriously dismisses) to reach 20 games? More importantly, would they have allowed themselves to follow it up with a four-game, season-ending losing streak? The latter can be answered simply in the negative, but the former is trickier. Even with Duncan on the decline—albeit a slower decline than we may have expected—this is still the Spurs. But is it still “The Spurs?” Or even the “Spurs?” I don’t know. We don’t know. But we should try and enjoy the end of this truly remarkable sizzle reel. And Patty Mills!

Look, I don’t know how to tie this back in to Ike one last time to wrap it up, bring it full circle, a third stale cliche, except to say that he is dead now and that one day, the Spurs will be dead too. Really makes you think, no?

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Alakazam

Headline we’ll be most sick of reading: “Are the league-leading Spurs for real?”

Headline we’re most looking forward to: “Tony Parker apologizes for being a generally unsavory dude.”

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: “Seriously, you guys are waaay late.”

No Regard Presidential Previews: Los Angeles Clippers (Bill Clinton)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“I may not have been the greatest president, but I had the most fun eight years.” - Bill Clinton

A young, charismatic democrat took office, leading the country into a new era of Cool. The budget was balanced, new social programs were enacted and the United States enjoyed its longest period of peacetime economic expansion. Bill Clinton's presidency was a fun time to be an American, and Bill was a solid President as long as you can look past a couple glaring personal controversies, none of which really had anything to do with his political acumen.

The Lob City Clippers are one of the most electrifying teams in the NBA. Chris Paul and Blake Griffin are the league's most fun alley-oop combination. Griffin is a fan favorite and stars in nearly as many commercials as Peyton Manning. Chauncey Billups returns this year and Lamar Odom brings a lot to the table as well. The forest is wonderful to look at, but some of the trees are troublesome. 

Having a team with Chris Paul and Blake Griffin on it sure is exciting, but like a certain impeachment following an improper relationship with dear old Monica Lewinsky, one must not forget the questionable dealings that sent CP3 to the Staples Center in the first place. A fairly equitable trade of Paul to the Lakers was vetoed by none other than David J. Stern, and within the week, CP3 moved to LA's former redheaded stepchild franchise. Lob City was born. 

Other non-political concerns about our sax-playing, NAFTA-signing, Welfare-reforming 42nd President include the Whitewater controversy and the essentially forgotten Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones maybe-affairs. Similarly, it seems NBA fans at large have forgotten that Clippers owner Donald Sterling is a racist slumlord and that Lamar Odom basically sulked his way through last season for the Mavericks before being cut, electing to keep a completely unearned $8 million. Neither of these things should affect how the Clips play this year, and just as Clinton left office with the highest approval rating ever despite being impeached, the Clippers are selling out road games and are among the league's most fun franchises. The future is bright for the "other" LA team, so long as Griffin's knees fare better than the tech bubble at the tail end of the Clinton years.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Hitmonlee

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: “Will Blake Griffin Make 'The Leap'?”

Headline we're most looking forward to: “Lamar Odom Smacked in Face by Mark Cuban Following Road Loss to Mavericks”

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: “This place just got way cooler.”

No Regard Presidential Previews: Atlanta Hawks (Jimmy Carter)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“It is that unique self-definition which has given us an exceptional appeal, but it also imposes on us a special obligation, to take on those moral duties which, when assumed, seem invariably to be in our own best interests.” - Jimmy Carter

I once worked on the ad sales/marketing side of an ancient magazine going through a “rebranding,” so I’ve heard plenty of talk in my time on “destroying expectations,” “engaging with a new audience” and “changing perceptions.”

Jimmy Carter, perhaps more than any other president, has utilized those principles in his post-POTUS life to create a new image of his legacy that trumps the notions that had existed before. When he exited the White House after one term in 1981, Carter was seen by a majority of Americans as an ineffective leader, one who couldn’t handle the rigors of dealing with challenges like the Iran hostage crisis and an economic downturn. But since that time, Carter has seen a great deal of success with his humanitarian efforts—starting the Carter Center to encourage democracy and peaceful political resolutions, and winning the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002. By focusing his life after presidency on the idealistic goals he couldn’t gain Congressional support for in office, he has essentially rebranded himself as a hero of the center-left—a peacemaker and all-around good dude—thereby replacing the vision of failure many Americans had of him (and that many conservatives still do). His name is no longer synonymous with “ineffectiveness.” It is synonymous with “compassion” and “goodwill.”

Like Jimmy Carter, the Atlanta Hawks are currently primed for a reinvention that will change everything you know about them. For years, they have been seen as underachievers, a team that has always been good enough for a top four playoff seed but that lacks the competitive fire to truly ever get anything done. This offseason, by shipping Joe Johnson to Brooklyn, the Hawks made a gesture both symbolic and potentially effectual. Johnson was the embodiment of the Hawks spirit: a six-time All Star who could never quite achieve household name status and whose peak lay just below the line that separates good from great.

Now, the Hawks find themselves with somewhat of a blank slate and the pieces to turn the mundane into the sublime. Josh Smith was an absolute monster on both ends of the floor last year; indeed, his season was criminally underrated by the world at large. When he was on, it was really something special to watch. Smith is now the undisputed star of this team, and if he can continue to perform at the level he was at six months ago, he may truly blossom into one of the very best frontcourt players in the league. It won’t hurt that he has a young, exciting point guard who can run the floor with him in Jeff Teague. Teague has a lot of work left in proving he can be consistent during the regular season, but he has shown flashes during the playoffs of being able to direct an offense and make big guard plays as well as any other point in the league.

Helping Smith and Teague will be a healthy-for-now Al Horford and a newly acquired pair of long-range specialists, Kyle Korver and Anthony Morrow. These are two guys who the Hawks won’t be able to trust for 35 minutes a game, but when they’re on the court, they will spread the defense in a way the team hasn’t been able to do in recent years.

Of course, most people would probably say this is a worse Hawks team than the one that battled the Celtics this past spring. Johnson, although frustratingly on the eternal brink of next-leveldom, was the most consistent scorer the team had, their undisputed best offensive player. So those people are probably right. This is a team that will not make the playoffs as easily as it is used to. But the hope is, if they do indeed make the playoffs, they will use the opportunity to show a new passion and an excitingness and attitude that not only gets them to the second round, but recasts them in the eyes of underwhelmed fans.

If the Hawks can steal a seat atop the fire currently lighting the asses of their city’s football team, they may match their previous winning records—and may do so in a way that makes the world think differently about them. It is now up to them to invoke Georgia’s proudest son and reinvent themselves as a team that accomplishes big, exciting things on a national stage. It’s time to actively change the conversation and build a new reputation.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Fearow

Headline we’ll be most sick of reading: “Josh Smith continues being great, but is he elite?”

Headline we’re most looking forward to: “DeShawn Stevenson gets Abraham Lincoln neck tattoo changed to Jimmy Carter neck tattoo after being disappointed by Spielberg film”

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: “This is better than the All-Star Game anyway, isn’t it, Josh?”

No Regard Presidential Previews: Detroit Pistons (Martin Van Buren)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"As to the presidency, the two happiest days of my life were those of my entrance upon the office and my surrender of it." - Martin Van Buren

It sure is difficult for the No Regard staff to think about the Detroit Pistons these days without being reminded of the fact that their beautiful head coach, Larry Frank, exists. And ever since I discovered (tonight) that a man named Martin Van Buren once existed and also happened to be the eighth President of America, it has become almost equally as traumatic for me to ponder the life of Van Buren without fondly being reminded of the spectacular Frank.

The parallels between Van Buren and Frank are plentiful and striking. Van Buren, the first ever President to be born an American citizen, started his pursuit of politics at the ripe age of 17, attending a party convention in Troy, New York with the hopes of securing a Congressional nomination for John Van Ness. Frank went to Indiana University with the intention of being mentored by legendary coach Bob Knight.

Both were born in New York, the coach in New York City and the President in Kinderhook (about 25 miles south of Albany). Both faced challenges that freaked the hell out of people—for Van Buren it was the financial scare known as the Panic of 1837; for Frank it is the lineup consisting of Jonas Jerebko, Greg Monroe, Tayshaun Prince, Rodney Stuckey and Brandon Knight.

I do not know what the two happiest days of Larry Frank's life are but I can predict: The day he landed the Pistons head coaching job (that or the Nets) and the day he is let go so he can pursue coaching a team with an actual chance to win some NBA games. 

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Butterfree

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Tayshaun Prince Wants That Rock" 

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Frank Hired To Replace Coach K For Team USA"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "DE-TROIT BASKETBALL! Sorry always wanted to do that... Do you guys still do that?"