Event Horizon: Heat

This evening, LeBron James is slated to take up an hour of the world’s time to tell us where he’s going to be rapping and sleeping for the next couple of years. This gesture has so far been called vacuous, despicable, ego-maniacal and poisonous to sports. At No Regard, we think it’s hilarious and have imagined some of our favorite possibilities. Check back as Bron’s 9 PM deadline approaches for more predictions…

Immediate Impact: Upon hearing the King’s decision Pat Riley seeks out current Heat coach, Erik “insert random 8^th grade boy’s last name here,” and does something terrible to him. Possibly removes his soul to ensure that he’s no longer capable of coaching. Riley names himself head coach. Bosh tweets. Jermaine O’Neal starts practicing his, “did you see when I cold-cocked that Detroit fan” story for LeBron. A few No Regard staffers and every hot dog vendor in NYC contemplate suicide.

1 Year Impact: The Heat win the championship, easily. LeBron heads back to Akron for the off-season after finally getting his first title and realizes that he’ll never run a city by himself and will always be associated with Wade and Bosh. His car is pelted with tomatoes after the Cavs win 20 games. He looks at his ring and starts crying because he knows he made a mistake by not playing for either his best friend Jay-Z, (BK stadium is looking ready to roll next year) in the most famous arena in the world or in his hometown. He spends the summer exclaiming that his entourage must find a way for him to get out of Miami.

5 Year Impact: Only one total ring for the South Beach trio. Lebron’s disgust at no longer being the franchise has taken over his game. He never sets-up his teammates, ever. He’s also gotten a DUI and sold his Akron home. Wade has broken down physically and with no pace or strength resorts to taking a lot of jumpers, most of which he misses. Bosh takes a liking to beach life, rum drinks, and tapas. He gains a lot of weight and also only takes 18-footers.