NBA Happy Hour: 100 Reasons Inception-Meta-Edition

TGIF basketball fans! It's the end of the week, so that means NBA Happy Hour! Grab a beer, follow the rules and start the weekend with a Don Nelson-level buzz.


Hopefully, you have been following our week-long series on the top 100 reasons to watch the NBA this season. If not, right now is the absolute most perfect time for you to go back and catch up. Once you've read through, we'd like to invite you to participate in this week's Happy Hour Drinking Game. And boy, it's a doozy.

That's right, today's Happy Hour is based on our very own list of 100 Reasons! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we just got all dream-within-a-dream on your ass! Is this brash? Maybe. But looking back, we've noticed some patterns in our list, and we think it would be fun if we pointed them out to you and got you drunk on them. So read the list again AND...

Top 5 Player Tweets of the Week - In Pictures!

From Skillanueva's half-time tweets to Gil's fateful outburst, we're keeping tabs on this whole Twitter thing. Each week we wade through the rants, shout outs and sheer insanity to bring you the best micro-blogging the NBA has to offer.

5. "At my first Polo match. If you don't know what it is, just know it's serious out here."

- Chris Bosh

4. "Snooki didn't just say she feels like a pilgrim from the 20's did she #EducationIsKey"

- Jonny Flynn

100 Reasons to Watch the NBA This Season, Part 5

Reason #12: Just Wright on DVD

We told you this would happen. To celebrate our first 100 posts, we're giving back. We've put together 100 reasons to watch this season. Consider these a mouthwash for this off-season of stink. Some can be considered predictions, some are sure things, and some may just be hopes that will fade before the schedule is even released. Whatever the case, read them all and get excited again. Remember, reasons #101 through infinity belong in the comments section. Don't know if you can tell, but we're excited to finally be able to watch some ball.

20. LBJ in MIA.
Because with his decision, he made sure that everyone else will be watching.

20a. Rick Ross as Miami’s #1 Superfan

“God is great. It's over for the next decade, baby. 305. Wade County. Chris Bosh. The King James. And it's gonna be Ricky Rozay on the wood; I ain't in the stands, I'm on the wood. I'm at all the games, baby. Maybach Music. I'm on Miami Heat now. Miami Heat, let's go, baby. 305, Wade County." – The Teflon Don

20b. Heat vs. Threepeat.

Bitch and moan all you want, but this could be a Finals without precedent. Pat Riley vs. Phil Jackson? LeBron vs. Kobe? Lazers vs. Missles? This has everything you could want in the finals other than fairness. We wouldn’t be surprised if ABC spaces out the seven games to last all summer.

20c. Puppets.

Does Bron lose his now? Does Wade get one? Can Dwight please get one?

20d. The South Beach Connection.

Wade/Bron alley-oops. We know a lot of people are ready to root against them and all, but Jesus...

20e. The Chalk.

Does Bron continue to throw the chalk at the start of games or do his address and number changes bring the end of his pre-game ritual? If he does do it next year, do his two besties join? Does he do it in Cleveland? If he does it in Cleveland, do the fans throw tomatoes at him?

20f. The Return of "Fun" LeBron.

Say what you will about Miami, but one thing for which the deal gives us great hope is a newly loose LBJ. When he plays with friends, he has fun and we see things like this.

20g. The NWO Comparisons.

We all finally have a legitimate excuse to pinpoint WWF doppelgangers for every NBA player. Thanks South Beach!

20h. A Triple-Double Season.

While it's highly unlikely, this is the best chance we'll likely ever have. But even if he does pull it off, do any of us know how to interpret it at this point?

20i. This Alleged Bosh-Wade Documentary.

Just…what the hell guys?

100 Reasons to Watch the NBA This Season, Part 4

Reason # 27: Scalabrine's High Fives.

We told you this would happen. To celebrate our first 100 posts, we're giving back. We've put together 100 reasons to watch this season. Consider these a mouthwash for this off-season of stink. Some can be considered predictions, some are sure things, and some may just be hopes that will fade before the schedule is even released. Whatever the case, read them all and get excited again. Remember, reasons #101 through infinity belong in the comments section. Don't know if you can tell, but we're excited to finally be able to watch some ball.

40. New Dynamic Duos.

Most notably, Tyreke Evans and DeMarcus Cousins in Sacramento and Derrick Rose and Carlos Boozer in Chicago. These two teams might be playing against each other in the 2015 Finals, and if so, these combos will have a lot to do with it. Then we've got possible bringers of chaos in Curry and Lee in Golden State, Williams and Al Jefferson in Utah, and Wall and McGee in Washington.

39. The Other Gasol.

Big Marc really came into his own last year, unfortunately he suffers that same sad fate known too all well to Grizzlies, if a tree falls in Memphis, will anyone be there to hear it?

38. Stories of Rudy Gay and Joe Johnson Spending Money.

These two signed contracts for so much money for being not superstars. It would be rude them to not let us hear how they're spending it.

37. Jason Kidd is Aging Backwards

He might actually be getting better, adding a legit jump shot to his game this year and still quarterbacking his ass off. Someone should tell him that's not how aging works. Wait, actually don't.

36. Tracy McGrady's Graceful Exit Begins.

With Iverson and Shaq making sure we all understand their lack of self-awareness, we really, really hope that T-Mac can accept a smaller role. As NBA fans in our mid-20s, we want to have fond final memories of some of our heroes.

Lorenzen

Too sad. I chose this video for several reasons. First, this was my favorite NBA draft to watch. I was ten years old, and I was watching it from a motel room in Lake George, NY. I made my father stay in that night, rather than take me out to dinner, so that I could watch the draft. And while Wright's career wasn't as illustrious as some of his other class members', he put in a lot of good years in the League and, as pointed out, he was always an incredibly hard worker.

Second, and more importantly, take a look at how many people Lorenzen Wright hugs after his name gets called. This is a guy whom a lot of people loved, and our hearts go out to all of those people.

100 Reasons to Watch the NBA This Season, Part 3

Reason #53: More Craig Sager.

We told you this would happen. To celebrate our first 100 posts, we're giving back. We've put together 100 reasons to watch this season. Consider these a mouthwash for this off-season of stink. Some can be considered predictions, some are sure things, and some may just be hopes that will fade before the schedule is even released. Whatever the case, read them all and get excited again. Remember, reasons #101 through infinity belong in the comments section. Don't know if you can tell, but we're excited to finally be able to watch some ball.

60. Captain Jack is Back.

Nine months after relinquishing his title in the Bay Area, Stephen Jackson is once again a Team Captain. If you doubt the importance of this development, please see here and here.

59. Allen Iverson Hot Potato.

Once again, some hapless team is going to take The Answer against their better judgement. As soon as they grab him they'll learn that A.I. scalds badly, taking off three layers of skin and any short-term playoff hopes they may have.

58. FreeDarko.

Still crazy after all these years, and some of the best character analysis there is in this league. We should also mention that their book The Undisputed Guide to Pro Basketball History is out November 9th. We’ll be pre-ordering the shit out of that shit.

57. Freed Darko.

Speaking of everybody’s favorite Serbian punching bag, the T-Wolves expressed an unprecedented amount of faith in Big D this offseason, handing him 20 million for 4 years.

56. Big Baby Dances With Himself.

Obviously he can teach you how to Dougie, but he's got so much more to unleash. With the swagger he gained in the playoffs, we're sure to see something special this year.

100 Reasons to Watch the NBA This Season, Part 2

Reason #78: To Learn What it Means to be Born Ready.

We told you this would happen. To celebrate our first 100 posts, we're giving back. We've put together 100 reasons to watch this season. Consider these a mouthwash for this off-season of stink. Some can be considered predictions, some are sure things, and some may just be hopes that will fade before the schedule is even released. Whatever the case, read them all and get excited again. Remember, reasons #101 through infinity belong in the comments section. Don't know if you can tell, but we're excited to finally be able to watch some ball.

80. The Van Gundy Bros.
The best, right? Stan got an early start voicing his legendary brand of displeasure, talking serious trash about how the slumber party kids handled this off-season. Jeff is creeping towards Barkley status with some of the gems that come out of his mouth during games.

79. Jews!
Omri Casspi! Jordan Farmar, kind of! Amar'e Stoudemire, or something! Whatever. Even 1 3/4 Jewish players is pretty solid for the NBA.

78. To Learn What it Means to be Born Ready.
Lance Stephenson will make an impact, we promise. Please believe us.

77. Whatever Publicity Stunt David Stern Pulls Before the Season Starts.
He's already hit us with the dress code and that weird ball that was used for half a season, but look out for something bigger this year. With the league enjoying unprecedented off-season attention for all the wrong reasons, look for the Commish to rip the focus back to the game. New flopping rules, perhaps?

76. Death Knell of a Darling.
The Hawks will probably ride their post-season anti-momentum and be bad, like sideshow bad. Lazy, complacent, and selfish, they’ll be exponentially worse if they sign Shaq. But here's hoping these one-time League Pass heroes flame out as spectacularly as they entered.

If You See Something, Say Something

IYSSSS is our semi-regular internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us at jewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

Yahoo Sports: It's a full time job keeping track of Dwight Howard this off-season. Here is a delightful photo gallery of his recent escapades at an EA Sports press event in Taiwan.

Fuck Yeah Lakers: Ron Artest plays dodgeball. With Hipsters.  To sum it up: He plays defense, giggles, gets thrown out, giggles some more.

Justin Bieber Zone (Yeah, What Up?): Biebs goes bowling with Shaq. 'Nuff said.

Hooped Up Online: Carlos Arroyo does his best Three Stooges impression.

Brain On Funk: Doc Funk puts the boondoggle that was free agency into perspective for us.

NBA Fanhouse: Team USA serenades Gerald Wallace. Odom demonstrates why his new nickname is "Giggles." Then, back to stretching.

100 Reasons to Watch the NBA This Season, Part 1

Reason #97: The Taco Bell NBA Big Box Commercial

We told you this would happen. To celebrate our first 100 posts, we're giving back. We've put together 100 reasons to watch this season. Consider these a mouthwash for this off-season of stink. Some can be considered predictions, some are sure things, and some may just be hopes that will fade before the schedule is even released. Whatever the case, read them all and get excited again. Remember, reasons #101 through infinity belong in the comments section. Don't know if you can tell, but we're excited to finally be able to watch some ball.

100. To Witness Second Chances.
Can underachieving talents like Michael Beasley and Greg Oden find a whole new NBA life in their respective change of scenery and relative health? Or will they continue to fall short of expectations?

99. Speaking of Second Chances, Gil.
Can our man use the beginning of the John Wall era to bring him back to some of his wild, unpredictable, unstoppable glory? It could be tough for him to give up the team, but if he's smart, he'll allow Wall to be his redeemer.

98. Barack Obama.
With his Bulls primed to make a real run in the East, expect to hear more of 44's thoughts on the NBA. And let's hope so, because dude needs something to take his mind off things for a minute.

97. The Taco Bell NBA Big Box Commercial.
We hope we get new versions of this commercial, but if it doesn't return, no worries. We're sure to get some ad that's just as harmlessly enjoyable and forever goofy in its place.

Team Dreamin' 2011: Cleveland

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

Sad Zydrunas on his first game back.

Before I dive into this I want it to be known that I don't for one second pretend like I know how it feels to be a Cavs fan right now. Witnessing Lebron mumble, "Talents to South Beach" for a die-hard Cleveland supporter must rank among of worst experiences a fan could go through. I've been racking my brain for an analogy to illustrate what it must feel like for Cleveland folk but I have nothing harsh enough to fit the bill.

As soul-crushing as this month has been, it's quite apparent that Cleveland is the most intriguing story of the upcoming season. Nobody has any idea what's going to happen with them. They could go so many different directions. Here's our suggestion though, and we think it's a novel one:

Do whatever it takes to land a first round playoff match-up with Miami.

NBA Happy Hour: No Draft Necessary

TGIF basketball fans! It's the end of the week, so that means NBA Happy Hour! Grab a beer, follow the rules and start the weekend with a Don Nelson-level buzz.

Everyone is talking about a point guard today, so we figured what the hell.  No, not Chris Paul.  Not right now anyway, Friday is time to get happy-drunk, and if the last month has proven anything, there are no two words that can kill a buzz faster than Maverick and Carter.

Instead we looked back on the week to the story that made us happiest: the Golden State Warriors signed undrafted rookie point guard Jeremy Lin.

Most of you know Lin’s story by now, a Bay Area native and lifelong Warriors fan, he played ball at Harvard and managed to impress the right people in his summer league matchup against John Wall.  Much hoopla is being made about his race and education, both obvious rarities in the League, but few have had asked after his eating habits, favorite actress, or the items on his bucket list.  Well, some did, and it was charming and a bit confusing.  Cheers, Jeremy.

Drink Anytime:

Top 5 Player Tweets of the Week - In Pictures!

5. "dear lady in aisle ....... Could u please stop rubbin ur booty on my Shoulder please and thank u -my right shoulder"
- CJ Miles









4. "Does anyone in Des Moines know where I can find the sweet Ed Hardy steering wheel cover the guy who pulled up next to me had?"
- Nick Collison

Team Dreamin' 2011: WARRIORS

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

The Face of the Modern Warriors Fan

It's been tough to get excited about the Warriors since that magical 2007 playoff run. The Post-Boom-Dizzle Era has been one dangerous lab test, Don Nelson’s desperate search for the elusive potion he accidentally concocted four years ago to take San Francisco on a miraculous ride. Bygones are bygones, and recently the famously fiery Bay Area fans have had little reason to get fired up.

Is there hope in the Golden State? Absolutely. Interest is waning for the Warriors, but we know just the guy to give new owner Peter Guber the kickstart he needs.

Mr. Guber, have you ever met Paul Vasquez?

If you’ve had Internet access this month you have, although you’d probably know him as HungryBear9562, or more likely, Double Rainbow Guy.

That’s right, we think you should hire Mr. Vasquez to do this season’s nightly televised play-by-play for Warriors games.

Sneakalicious: Jordan on My Mind

I love sneakers. Love, love, love them. If we were still five years old and you asked me if my sneakers were a man, would I marry them? My answer, unequivocally, would be yes.

But since we are no longer five years old and I can't (at least not in the state of New York anyway) marry my sneakers, I'm just going to have to settle for swooning over new releases and slowly adding to my collection. Which brings us now to Sneaker Freaker's sneak peek of the new Air Jordan collection for Nike, due to release later this month. Some of these sneakers I wouldn't even let buy me a drink, but then there are others that, as Tracy Jordan would say, I'd let take me behind the middle school and get me pregnant.

Case in point:

Look at these shoes. Just look at them. Such a solid throwback. These shoes make me want to be like Mike. In fact, if I were to wear these shoes, I know I could be like Mike. I don't care if I'm only 5'4" and wear a size 6.5 youth shoe, I'm fairly confident I could land a dunk from the foul line with these sneakers on my feet. No problem.

100 And Rising

No Regard, this bountiful website you're reading right now, started out as a pretty inebriated mass text message. Just a blink of an idea emitted to some friends while riding a rickety gypsy bus into Manhattan on a nondescript late summer night in 2009. While it took us a while to get here, we're pleased to say that those radio waves have transformed into a real(ish) website, and this brief message marks post #100.

To celebrate this modest milestone, we're going to hit you all with something pretty cool next week.

Afternoon Delight

For those who like it in the afternoon, we thought we'd help out with a little something to get in the mood.  Shout out to our friends at Hooped Up Online for unearthing this (Diamond? Rhinestone? RingPop?) in the rough. Watching this I smiled, grimaced, felt strangely aroused, and threw up in my mouth, but my fantasies about a man nicknamed "Big Baby" are my business, not yours.

Bibby's World: Bali Hoo!

Don't know how we locked this down, but we'd like to introduce you to No Regard's newest blogging sensation... Mike Bibby! He'll be checking in whenever he can, just to remind us: It's Bibby's World, we just live in it!

Aloha, everyone!

Guess what? I'm on the other side of the planet! That's right, I'm on my summer vacation in Bali. So far there have been a lot of big surprises, the biggest of which has been my discovery that this place is in Indonesia NOT India! Oh well... Still good. I'm currently writing this post at 7:30am in my big bed, which is covered by a giant white canopy sheet (the kind that royalty have in fairy tales) - it's something I've wanted to try since college, and it is so what it's cracked up to be. Anyway, onto the adventure...

Beauty of the Beas

The movie Gunnin' for that #1 Spot opens with a handicam shot of Michael Beasley doing what he does best: acting like a goofball. The rest of the movie, which follows Beasley and the other competitors in 2006's Elite 24 high schoolers game at Rucker Park in Harlem, contains equal parts that and the thing that Beasley does second best: playing phenomenal basketball.

Unfortunately, in his two years with the Miami Heat, Beasley did not get the opportunity to do either of those things very well. He has been a solid contributor during that time, no doubt about it. But expectations were big when he was taken with the second pick in 2008. He had been dominant in high school (at nearly a dozen different institutions) and in college (at Kansas State). And, above all, he seemed poised for a spectacular NBA career. He was a big forward with crazy athleticism, and he had the personality of a Barkleyesque class clown who also needed to be taken seriously.

Guest Post: LeBron Be Gone, Thy Will Be Strong

This off-season has made everyone more passionate than normal. Casual fans started listening more intently, and die-hard fans started speaking up even more than usual. A long-time friend of No Regard, asking to be known here simply as Mugsy2Manute, is a member of the latter group. He's also been a Knicks fan since birth and sent us this piece not because we asked for it, but because he couldn't keep quiet under these circumstances. Besides, he's a smart NBA fan and sent it in Comic Sans; how could we say no?

Immediately after LeBron made that first consonant "S" sound in the now ubiquitously quoted "I'm taking my talents to South Beach," many a New Yorker could be seen shoulders slumped, mouth agape, eyes confused. Yeah, everyone had been saying Miami. It did begin to feel like the Oscars where everyone knows who's going to win Best Picture (here's an early vote for The Last Airbender). But seriously, how could this have happened? We promised him everything.

If You See Something, Say Something

IYSSSS is our semi-regular internet intelligence report, a liberal arts approach to following the NBA on the Web. E-mail us atjewsforjesusshuttlesworth@gmail.com if you've got any suggestions.

The Basketball Jones: We like Tyreke Evans. We like him a lot.  Frankly we're not sure if his bling (above) is a prank or a cry for help.  Either way, we're happy to join the speculation surrounding this misguided nick name.

True Hoop: Summer League always ends much faster than we ever expect it to. If you blinked anytime in the past two weeks, you probably missed a major stories from Orlando or Vegas.  Lucky for us, Kevin Arnovitz breaks it all down, giving us the Summer League that was.

FreeDarko:  At their best when attempting to explain what makes a player tick, FreeDarko takes on this year's Draft Bad Boy and Summer League Monster DeMarcus Cousins. 

Dime Mag:  People love lists and analogies, right? And people like baseball? Dime Mag attempts to compare some of our biggest NBA stars with guys who play baseball.  The results are hilarious and often batshit crazy.  Just go see who they think best compares to Derek Fisher.

Truth About It:  If you skipped over the True Hoop link because it involved the words Summer League, and that's not how you roll, check out this one highlight.  Remember the name  JaVale McGee come November, he's likely to make more than a few statement dunks this season.

Basketbawful: We've all seen this video before, but it just doesn't matter.

Team Dreamin' 2011: SPURS

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

Ok, give me some eyes San Antonio, I'm going to lay some truth on you. Nobody likes you. I know, I know Tim Duncan is sweet as pudding and he's never hurt a fly and Tony Parker must be hilarious (I mean, he'd have to be right?), but still, we don't like you. We don't hate you. In fact, we nothing the shit out of you. You're boring. You're as boring as a conversation about Phish live. You're as boring as a marathon of student films. You're as boring as sex with a hipster. You defend well, you do all of the things commentators say you should do, you have a delightfully angry/yelly coach, your team does things in the post-season that it doesn't know how to spell in season games...oh, and also you're boring.

I mean Christ on toast, your star player's nickname is The Big Fundamental. Are you serious? This is the NBA. Here are a few acceptable nick names: Agent Zero, The Black Mamba, The Glide, The Doctor. Acceptable nick names for the Springfield Rotarian Society's Badmitten and Bake-Off Retreat? You guessed it.

But don't fret, all is not lost. I have three suggestions to shape up this franchise. 

Second Round Picks: Lance Stephenson

Some of the League’s best were first found in the bargain bin. Just look at Rodman, Rashard, and Gil. There’s pride in the Second Round. Let’s give these guys their due.

Lance Stephenson

Team: Indiana Pacers

Height: 6’5”

Weight: 210 lbs.

Position: PG/SG,

Age: 19

Before we talk, I have something to show you. Consider it summer reading, a prerequisite to any discussion regarding Lance “Born Ready” Stephenson. It involves a possum.

Born Ready TV, Lance Stephenson, Episode 5

Born Ready TV | MySpace Video

I want to confirm that you did in fact just watch the father of the NBA’s 40th overall pick evict a possum from the family trashcan.

Team Dreamin' 2011: THUNDER

At No Regard, we love basketball. We love the spectacle and strategy of the game, but sometimes the league's lack of imagination confounds and disappoints us. Call us optimists, visionaries, or kids who watched too much Space Jam, but we have ideas. Damn are we gonna share 'em.

The Thunder found near-immediate success settling into Oklahoma City; that which can't be credited directly to Kevin Durant's instant superstardom certainly goes to a young bench teeming with raw talent.

Watching a Thunder game this season guarantees three things:

1) KD and Russell Westbrook continuing to blossom before your eyes.

2) A host of rising stars jockeying to position themselves around Kid Delish and Jet Zero.

3) A gargantuan and vacuous black hole at the 5-spot, a position the front office seems intent to never actually fill.

The Thunder need more guards like Peyton Manning needs another endorsement deal. Ignoring the need for big men troubled them all season. Surrendering the paint buried them in the playoffs. Do we have ideas for them? Of course we do.

Consider the above photo. Pick out who is the most bored and who is the craftiest guy there. Easy, right? Bored goes to Nick Collison (Lower Left, Napping). Craftiest goes to James Harden (Top Back Right, Suit).

James, Nick, can you guys come over here for a second? Hey fellas, have you ever seen Freak the Mighty?

Perfect. Here’s what we’re gonna do…

NBA Happy Hour: Summer League Sunset

TGIF basketball fans! It's the end of the week, so that means NBA Happy Hour! Grab a beer, follow the rules and start the weekend with a Don Nelson-level buzz.

This weekend marks the end of the NBA Summer League, which has been somewhat overshadowed by bigger news events of the past month. If you have NBA TV, $14.95, or access to illegal sports streaming sites, though, you're likely privy to some of the wonderful things that have been happening in first Orlando and now Las Vegas. But if you've been in the dark, worry not! It's never too late to tune in and get your drink on to the sight of a bunch of babies playing basketball. Here are the rules for this Summer League Weekend-Long Happy Hour:

Top 5 Player Tweets of the Week - In Pictures!

From Skillanueva's half-time tweets to Gil's fateful outburst, we're keeping tabs on this whole Twitter thing. Each week we wade through the rants, shout outs and sheer insanity to bring you the best micro-blogging the NBA has to offer.

5. "Damn my grandma text my brother and told him to hit me and tell me she want a lambo...she must be high...how much a lambo cost?"

- Kevin Durant

4. "Yep its official gonna retire a celtic"

- Paul Pierce