We here at No Regard love our stories. And the playoffs are where each narrative strand that was teased in the regular season is shredded or affirmed. So, here are the second round series as we see them. (And if they're late? Well, we are sorry.) Thank you.
When the lucky viewer first meets Dupree in You, Me and Dupree he arrives at his best friend Carl’s wedding in great spirits; he’s ready to make a winning contribution to the celebratory festivities and re-live his glory days. On paper, Dupree’s presence in Carl’s life is advantageous for both parties. I imagine that, when their respective squads signed Rasheed Wallace and Shaquille O’Neal, Celtics fans and Cavs fans felt a lot like Carl right after Dupree showed up at his wedding. Both players seemed like the missing link in potential championship runs. Cs fans envisioned Wallace as the perfect sixth man to mimic KG’s intensity off the bench and Cavs fans salivated realizing they finally had an answer to Dwight Howard whose last name didn’t start with a Z. But once the dust settled, Carl, Bostonians and Clevelanders realized that having Dupree around is more than just shots, spicy Buffalo wings and HBO. This series begs the question, which very tall man is the real Dupree?
Ball don’t lie, but neither does Sheed’s three-point field goal percentage this season, a terrible 28.3. Additionally, Sheed scored on his own basket a few weeks ago, much like when Dupree used Carl’s private bathroom while Carl was trying to slam his new wife. In terms of basketball and friendships, it doesn’t get much worse than hitting a lay-up on your own hoop and cock-blocking. These two points alone make Sheed a serious candidate for the real Dupree. That said, Shaq has absolutely had his fair share of Dupree-like moments.
His numbers are about as low as they’ve been in his entire life; specifically, scoring 50 percent less than his career average, just 12 points a game. He’s the oldest player in the league and it shows. Watching him try to keep pace with LeBron is seriously laughable, and I’m convinced that Barkley, after a long night of drinking and analyzing on TNT, would beat him in a full-court sprint. He hasn’t burned down the Q yet, like Dupree did to Carl’s house while trying to set the mood with his new girlfriend, but he might well be on his way.
Dupree means well, but he’s a massive a jackass and ruins a great thing for Carl. Similarly, Sheed is a massive jackass, but I’m not even convinced he means well. He entered this season looking like post-strike Shawn Kemp for god’s sake (fat, for those of you who forget). And while Shaq has many failings this year, he’s brought his “I’ve won four rings and I desperately want another one so I can have more than Kobe" mentality to this Cavs team and it's clear this has infected Bron (he seems more possessed than he’s ever been, adopting Kobe's apocalyptic grimace a few years early). The real Dupree’s about to stand up, and he’ll be wearing green.
Cleveland in 7.
Defining Quote
Carl Peterson: What you did in the bathroom last night was disgusting.
Dupree: I know, I'm never eating buffalo wings again.
Editors Note: I wrote this entry before game one and understand that Sheed killed it in game 2 and Shaq was garbage. That said, one game doesn't change a season. He'll still be the real Dupree. Just watch.
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