No Regard's Player Power Rankings

These aren't your little brother's power rankings. Unlike the competition, we don't use boring metrics like "stats," "analysis" or "performance on the court" to rank how our favorite NBAers are doing. Nah, we're all about the narrative over here people. So welcome to our Player Power Rankings. A weekly feature that lists who's won our hearts this season and a brief explanation why.

#5: Reggie Evans

Andrew’s love for Evans is well-documented. Personally, I’m a big fan of the beard, shaved-head and the insatiable lust for gobbling the glass. However, the Brooklyn big finds himself in the number five spot for the mere fact that he’s the first player in the history of the league to get fined for flopping. History, ladies and gentlemen.

#4: Rasheed Wallace

When we heard about Sheed's comeback, it was almost as if Christmas had come early. His propensity to hurl threes with zero regard for human life, possible alopecia affliction and forever churning motor-mouth seriously suits our fancy. But he topped it all during the game in which he received an early technical—and then immediately got a second one for bellowing his famous prose. All together now, folks: "Ball don't lie!" Music to my ears. 

 
#3: Gregg Popovich & The Spurs' Big 3

By sending home Timmy, Manu and Parker and seriously pissing off David Stern, Popovich was being Popovich: another brilliant move to be added to his tomb of exceptionality. But the icing on the cake, nay the super delicious incredible frosting on the giant Cake-Boss style cake, was the greatest picture ever taken, which recently met the Internet.

#2: Stephen Jackson

Pretty fantastic email from my brother this morning asking me to translate the following tweet: "Somebody tel serg Abaka. He aint bout dis life. Next time he run up on me im goin in his mouth. That's a promise. He doin 2 much." We don't need to break that down for you to understand how wonderful it is on ten million levels. His apology, though was what secured the former Charlotte Skipper’s surge into the two spot on our power rankings: "I'm not a thug just a man who speaks his mind." Thank you, Jesus, for bringing us Captain Jack.

#1: Coach Brown, Coach D'Antoni and Coach Jackson

There could not have been a better cast of characters to be involved in the "who is going to coach Kobe Bryant" game. After Mike Brown's slow start, the Laker's front office promptly cried "You're outta here, Mike Brown!" And then, post-full-on-flirt-mode with the coach that recently won them piles upon piles of jewelry, they landed on everyone's favorite Italian and gave him the keys to their super expensive automobile: the lovable and spectacularly mustached Michael D'Antoni. He has yet to piece together this wacky puzzle in Los Angeles, but he's coaching his heart out and we’re all better for it.