Adam's Basketball Basement Tapes: Volume One

My dad saves everything. For a long time, this tendency annoyed me. Recently, though, I realized that for every one of my worthless elementary school lunch menus sitting in a paper bag in his basement, right next to it is a hilarious, terrifying, and/or touching piece of my childhood. It just so happens that many, many of these tokens of nostalgia--papers, drawings, notes--are focused on basketball. I was as passionate in my fandom as a child as I am now. In this series, I'll share with you some of the artifacts uncovered while digging through the minutiae of my youth.

This first basement haul took place over Thanksgiving weekend. Because of the extensive amount of bagged schoolwork sitting around my dad's house, I only got through the fourth grade bag during that time. It was a very basketball-filled year, though, with lots of Penny Hardaway, David Robinson, and handwriting better than I could currently muster.

Artifact #1: Some sort of bunny rabbit cutout version of Penny Hardaway, on my favorite medium, construction paper. The kicks? Air Bunnies. The jersey? Not sure, almost sort of looks like "Martian." If Nike had caught wind of my Martian Bunny Penny idea, I'd be at least a thousandaire right now. (I am sad to say that I am not actually a thousandaire right now.)

Artifact #2: A Penny Hardaway three-part hanging decoration of some sort, on my second favorite medium, paper plates with holes punched in them. Might have been for a snowman art project. I was like, "Fuck a snowman, here's Penny Hardaway with no shoes."

Artifact #3: NBA player mailing addresses for, presumably, fan letters. Seen here are the best ways to get in touch with Scottie Pippen, David Robinson, "Pat" Ewing, Karl Malone, Shaquille O'Neal, Michael Jordan and Larry Johnson. Use them responsibly.

 

Artifact #4: "Bulls Make History" news report/Rookie of the Year prediction. It reads:

 Chicago- Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of the Kaufman Look. Today, I will discuss the Bulls' season, and Rookie of the Year candidates. On Tuesday, April 16, 1996, the Chicago Bulls achieved a great accomplishment when they won their 70th game. It was against the Milwaukee Bucks. But, I don't think they can win the championship. I believe they will win a game against the Orlando Magic in the East Championship by one point in overtime. [Ed: Assuming I meant in Game 7? Who knows, kids are dummies.] Who will beat the Bulls in the championship? None other than the #2 seed in the West (not to mention the most underrated team in the NBA), the San Antonio Spurs. This will happen because, there's no way Luc Longley can match up to David Robinson, and Sean Elliott is sure to give Michael Jordan and/or Scottie Pippen a show. All I have to say to Phil Jackson is, maybe next year. [Ed: Hey Phil Jackson, YA GOT BURNT.] Now, to get on the subject of Rookie of the Year. UNC proved that they are a college for elite players when Michael Jordan got drafted, and I believe that the Tar Heel tradition will continue 12 years when Jerry Stackhouse becomes Rookie of the Year. Runner up: Damon Stoudamire

 

Artifact #5: A really fantastic portrait of Penny Hardaway, my favorite player and muse. Don't ask about the the thing between his legs. Could be a mistake, could be a tail, could be a dong. No idea.

 

Artifact #6: A "Who's Who" book report summary sheet on "David Robinson: NBA Super Center" by Bill Gutman. Another fantastic drawing in the top right corner. You'll note that, according to the last prompt, I did indeed admire him, "Because he was in the Navy, he has never yelled at a ref, he doesn't talk trash, and because he is very smart because he was an honor roll student in high school, and got a bachelor's degree in mathematics in college." Definitely an A.

 

Artifact #7: "King for a Day" Essay. Basically, I win a radio contest that makes me King of England for a day. I make sure to tell the reader in paragraph #2 that "I am crazy about basketball." I suppose I did this so that the reader would understand why I ended up choosing David Robinson and Anfernee Hardaway as my assistants, and why we played basketball all day after they arrived.

Artifact #8: A fictitious report of a trip to Sports Authority. "When I went to the Norwalk Sports Authority, I bought a shiny, $330 basketball signed by the Orlando Magic's 6'4 guard, Anfernee Hardaway." Sorry, Mrs. Lopez, I lied to you. Sorry, Penny, I should have given you an extra three inches.