Question of the Day

As we are wont to do when a holiday stops by, we humbly ask you: What do you think Evan Turner has planned for New Year's Eve?

No Regard Employment Placement Services: Coach Avery Johnson

It's not our job to discuss whether the firing of Avery Johnson was a justifiable decision by Brooklyn. We are not here to talk tactics, x's and or o's, or if canning a dude who was awarded "Coach of the Month" a scant month ago is a strong move or selfish and fake by the Nets.

We are here to do what we do: lend a helping hand to a man we have never met, but who seems admirable and pleasant enough. What can we say, this is not the life we chose but rather the life that chose us.

So we have combed through link after link on the always-famous, forever-charitable craigslist.com to see what new jobs we can find for the recently sacked Coach Avery. Hopefully he can avoid those nasty lines for unemployment checks with our help.

Who'd You Get?!: Muggsy Bogues, Topps (1994)

We at No Regard used to collect basketball cards. Convincing a parent to shuttle us and our friends to the local collector's shop was a consistently important victory. When we found out KMart was selling entire boxes for $20, we almost wore out our bike tires pedaling back and forth.

Now we've unearthed the cache, and the results are stunning. We've been reminded that players named Dino Radja and Wesley Person briefly and forcefully carved out steady roles for themselves in the league. We've been straight tickled by the goofy casual pics. And we've been touched and inspired by the relentless optimism of the copywriters. We hope you enjoy this odd time capsule, a Utopian angle from which to view the league, where everyone is the next somebody and context is pointless.

 Back of the card after the jump.

No Regard Recaps: All Is Love

One Game We Watched Last Night: Minnesota Timberwolves vs. Oklahoma City Thunder

Wolves: 99, Thunder: 93

The Timberwolves have become a team from the '80s that your dad would tell you about. The kind of story you'd listen to with disbelief and jealousy that you missed out on this crew by 15 years of existence.

"You would have loved watching Rubio."

"Yeah I bet," you would respond, irritated at having to hear this for the tenth time because yeah, obviously you would have loved watching Rubio.

"The passing was there like everyone says it was, but he was also a long, tough defender and this odd type of floor general. He had so much experience in his pocket, but was still so young—or at least always seemed young. He was goofy, but that silliness was only relevant because he was so skilled. And oh god the passes."

"Wow." You kind of hate this exercise in "you should have been there" NBA chat, but you also can't help but want to hear more.

"And this team just had a bunch of kind of mystical dudes. Love was as fun to watch rebound as anyone and his shot had such a low arc that you never thought it would go in but did. Peković was essentially a really well rolled D&D character. Brandon Roy was doing this really weird post-retirement comeback tour. You've never heard if JJ Barea, but he had energy and could heat up and somehow played a big role in a lot of important basketball games in his career. In fact, this whole team seemed to play up for big games. They were always worth the ticket price when they came to town. You had to head to the arena and check them out."

"That's cool," you say as you walk away, trying to play it all down. But you're bummed you never got a chance to see this team. They seemed great.

But lucky for us, we are watching them right now. And if we have kids who care at all about the NBA, they're going to have to sit through our drivel about Rubio and the gang. Oh well.

One Game We Didn't Watch Last Night: Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks

Heat: 110, Mavs: 95

How much better is LeBron than anyone else in the NBA right now? Assume Durant is number two, which is the correct assumption. LeBron is what, five times as good as him? Then just think how much better he is than a lower tier all-star like Danny Granger. LeBron is probably 15 times as good as Danny Granger, right? Am I way off here? Any scientists want to weigh in here?

No Regard Recaps: 55 and Counting

One Game We Didn't Watch Last Night: New York Knicks vs. Brooklyn Nets

Knicks: 100, Nets: 86

Sorry that I am definitely not sorry that Andrew and I were too busy crushing mozzarella sticks and guzzling bottles of glorious wine to actually watch the game last night. But don't worry, I've done my homework for this recap so it will most definitely be an educated and accurate assessment of what realistically and factually took place during last night's game between the Knickerbockers and the Nets, formerly of New Jersey (at one point, Teaneck, NJ for all you historians out there). 

Pick and roll defense, Brooklyn! I'm no basketball coach and maybe my basketball IQ isn't as high as Avery Johnson's, but when Tyson Chandler and Ray Felton are able to connect time and time again on the most basic play a team can run on the basketball court, then I'd suggest maybe going over some tape in the coming days. 

Thirty-one for Melo, let's just go ahead and give this dude the MVP trophy now and save Davey Stern some time and effort. Solid performance from J.R. Smith last night, too. Apparently, he's pretty into basketball this season.

What's with all the haters toward Deron Williams this season? You turn on the Twitter channel and a lot of the Nets people are strongly disapproving of what D-Will is bringing to the table. Since we're all possibly dying tomorrow, let's put this in perspective, critics: He's a lot better at basketball than you and me combined. 

Why doesn't Marcus Camby get more minutes? 

Another Game We Didn't Watch Last Night: Houston Rockets vs. Philadelphia 76ers

Rockets: 125, 76ers: 103

Speaking of defense, might want to think about considering playing a little after giving up 125 last night, Philadelphia. Chuck Barkley ain't walking through that door. James Harden ensured that Coach McHale's birthday was a festive one, tacking off 33 points and seven dimes in a dominating performance for Houston. 

That's right, Kevin McHale turned 55 last night. We at No Regard would like to wish Kevin the happiest of birthdays as well. You're a great man, McHale. Thanks for all that you do.

NBA Middle Names: Damian Lillard

We at No Regard spend a lot of time in our NBA knitting circles trying to figure out the human side of these players. Whether it's musing about their commutes to work, how much "Call of Duty" they play, or what their favorite snack food is, we like to remind ourselves that NBA players are nothing more than young men with enviable jobs. What better way to humanize our heroes than look up their middle names?

Damian Lamonte Ollie Lillard 

What Matt Barnes Is Up To: Inked Up

If you don't know who Matt Barnes is, well then, you better call somebody. Or just read our newest feature here at No Regard! It stars fan-favorite L.A. Clipper, Matt Kelly Barnes. We're gonna be keeping tabs on the swing man throughout the season to ensure that we're all in the loop on his activities on and off the court. Warning: He may surprise you with just how much of a renaissance man he is. 

Not to brag, but I was getting my haircut at Park Ave. Stylez in Weehawken, NJ two days ago in the early afternoon. The owner (I don't know his name yet, but he's tall) was watching an elimination-style reality TV show about aspiring tattoo artists. Each week, the contestants are given tattoo projects to work on and are eliminated one-by-one as the season carries on. Classic and tried method, really.

Guess who showed up as a surprise celebrity guest judge for the episode we were watching?! You nailed it: Matt Kelly Barnes. My fresh cut was finished before I got to see the end of the show, but I did hear Barnes express his disappointment in someone's work at some point during the episode.

Don't think you're going to be able to pass off some piece of garbage tat while Matt Kelly Barnes is in town.  Not for one second.

You're Starting To Piss Me Off!

I'm starting to worry about Michael D'Antoni a little bit. It's no secret that the Lakers are struggling. Their lack of chemistry is palpable and they are just so clearly taking longer than seven seconds to shoot the rock. Frankly, it sucks.    

But last night, after another tough loss when asked if his squad was working on defense before the game, D'Antoni replied, "Hell yeah, we worked on it for half an hour!"

Then he said, "You're starting to piss me off, you're starting to piss me off!"

My only comment regarding this is that half an hour is way too long to be working on defense for a D'Antoni team. That time should have been spent practicing three-pointers and possibly half-court shots. 

No Regard's Player Power Rankings

These aren't your little brother's power rankings. Unlike the competition, we don't use boring metrics like "stats," "analysis" or "performance on the court" to rank how our favorite NBAers are doing. Nah, we're all about the narrative over here people. So welcome to our Player Power Rankings. A weekly feature that lists who's won our hearts this season and a brief explanation why.

#5: Reggie Evans

Andrew’s love for Evans is well-documented. Personally, I’m a big fan of the beard, shaved-head and the insatiable lust for gobbling the glass. However, the Brooklyn big finds himself in the number five spot for the mere fact that he’s the first player in the history of the league to get fined for flopping. History, ladies and gentlemen.

#4: Rasheed Wallace

When we heard about Sheed's comeback, it was almost as if Christmas had come early. His propensity to hurl threes with zero regard for human life, possible alopecia affliction and forever churning motor-mouth seriously suits our fancy. But he topped it all during the game in which he received an early technical—and then immediately got a second one for bellowing his famous prose. All together now, folks: "Ball don't lie!" Music to my ears. 

 
#3: Gregg Popovich & The Spurs' Big 3

By sending home Timmy, Manu and Parker and seriously pissing off David Stern, Popovich was being Popovich: another brilliant move to be added to his tomb of exceptionality. But the icing on the cake, nay the super delicious incredible frosting on the giant Cake-Boss style cake, was the greatest picture ever taken, which recently met the Internet.

#2: Stephen Jackson

Pretty fantastic email from my brother this morning asking me to translate the following tweet: "Somebody tel serg Abaka. He aint bout dis life. Next time he run up on me im goin in his mouth. That's a promise. He doin 2 much." We don't need to break that down for you to understand how wonderful it is on ten million levels. His apology, though was what secured the former Charlotte Skipper’s surge into the two spot on our power rankings: "I'm not a thug just a man who speaks his mind." Thank you, Jesus, for bringing us Captain Jack.

#1: Coach Brown, Coach D'Antoni and Coach Jackson

There could not have been a better cast of characters to be involved in the "who is going to coach Kobe Bryant" game. After Mike Brown's slow start, the Laker's front office promptly cried "You're outta here, Mike Brown!" And then, post-full-on-flirt-mode with the coach that recently won them piles upon piles of jewelry, they landed on everyone's favorite Italian and gave him the keys to their super expensive automobile: the lovable and spectacularly mustached Michael D'Antoni. He has yet to piece together this wacky puzzle in Los Angeles, but he's coaching his heart out and we’re all better for it.

Who'd You Get?!: Alonzo Mourning, Fleer Ultra (1992)

We at No Regard used to collect basketball cards. Convincing a parent to shuttle us and our friends to the local collector's shop was a consistently important victory. When we found out KMart was selling entire boxes for $20, we almost wore out our bike tires pedaling back and forth.

Now we've unearthed the cache, and the results are stunning. We've been reminded that players named Dino Radja and Wesley Person briefly and forcefully carved out steady roles for themselves in the league. We've been straight tickled by the goofy casual pics. And we've been touched and inspired by the relentless optimism of the copywriters. We hope you enjoy this odd time capsule, a Utopian angle from which to view the league, where everyone is the next somebody and context is pointless.

This is a Special Edition of Who'd You Get?! I found this card tonight on the sidewalk in Manhattan on 7th Ave. between 50th and 49th Streets. Does it belong to you? If so, please contact No Regard. We will return it and then try to hang out with you because you're walking around New York with an Alonzo Fleer Ultra rookie card in your pocket. (Do you have holes in your pockets?)

Back of the card after the jump.

Adam's Basketball Basement Tapes: Volume One

My dad saves everything. For a long time, this tendency annoyed me. Recently, though, I realized that for every one of my worthless elementary school lunch menus sitting in a paper bag in his basement, right next to it is a hilarious, terrifying, and/or touching piece of my childhood. It just so happens that many, many of these tokens of nostalgia--papers, drawings, notes--are focused on basketball. I was as passionate in my fandom as a child as I am now. In this series, I'll share with you some of the artifacts uncovered while digging through the minutiae of my youth.

This first basement haul took place over Thanksgiving weekend. Because of the extensive amount of bagged schoolwork sitting around my dad's house, I only got through the fourth grade bag during that time. It was a very basketball-filled year, though, with lots of Penny Hardaway, David Robinson, and handwriting better than I could currently muster.

Artifact #1: Some sort of bunny rabbit cutout version of Penny Hardaway, on my favorite medium, construction paper. The kicks? Air Bunnies. The jersey? Not sure, almost sort of looks like "Martian." If Nike had caught wind of my Martian Bunny Penny idea, I'd be at least a thousandaire right now. (I am sad to say that I am not actually a thousandaire right now.)

Artifact #2: A Penny Hardaway three-part hanging decoration of some sort, on my second favorite medium, paper plates with holes punched in them. Might have been for a snowman art project. I was like, "Fuck a snowman, here's Penny Hardaway with no shoes."

Artifact #3: NBA player mailing addresses for, presumably, fan letters. Seen here are the best ways to get in touch with Scottie Pippen, David Robinson, "Pat" Ewing, Karl Malone, Shaquille O'Neal, Michael Jordan and Larry Johnson. Use them responsibly.

 

Artifact #4: "Bulls Make History" news report/Rookie of the Year prediction. It reads:

 Chicago- Hello, and welcome to this week's edition of the Kaufman Look. Today, I will discuss the Bulls' season, and Rookie of the Year candidates. On Tuesday, April 16, 1996, the Chicago Bulls achieved a great accomplishment when they won their 70th game. It was against the Milwaukee Bucks. But, I don't think they can win the championship. I believe they will win a game against the Orlando Magic in the East Championship by one point in overtime. [Ed: Assuming I meant in Game 7? Who knows, kids are dummies.] Who will beat the Bulls in the championship? None other than the #2 seed in the West (not to mention the most underrated team in the NBA), the San Antonio Spurs. This will happen because, there's no way Luc Longley can match up to David Robinson, and Sean Elliott is sure to give Michael Jordan and/or Scottie Pippen a show. All I have to say to Phil Jackson is, maybe next year. [Ed: Hey Phil Jackson, YA GOT BURNT.] Now, to get on the subject of Rookie of the Year. UNC proved that they are a college for elite players when Michael Jordan got drafted, and I believe that the Tar Heel tradition will continue 12 years when Jerry Stackhouse becomes Rookie of the Year. Runner up: Damon Stoudamire

 

Artifact #5: A really fantastic portrait of Penny Hardaway, my favorite player and muse. Don't ask about the the thing between his legs. Could be a mistake, could be a tail, could be a dong. No idea.

 

Artifact #6: A "Who's Who" book report summary sheet on "David Robinson: NBA Super Center" by Bill Gutman. Another fantastic drawing in the top right corner. You'll note that, according to the last prompt, I did indeed admire him, "Because he was in the Navy, he has never yelled at a ref, he doesn't talk trash, and because he is very smart because he was an honor roll student in high school, and got a bachelor's degree in mathematics in college." Definitely an A.

 

Artifact #7: "King for a Day" Essay. Basically, I win a radio contest that makes me King of England for a day. I make sure to tell the reader in paragraph #2 that "I am crazy about basketball." I suppose I did this so that the reader would understand why I ended up choosing David Robinson and Anfernee Hardaway as my assistants, and why we played basketball all day after they arrived.

Artifact #8: A fictitious report of a trip to Sports Authority. "When I went to the Norwalk Sports Authority, I bought a shiny, $330 basketball signed by the Orlando Magic's 6'4 guard, Anfernee Hardaway." Sorry, Mrs. Lopez, I lied to you. Sorry, Penny, I should have given you an extra three inches. 

The Spurs Are The Roaring Night

The above photo held the No Regard office hostage for a while today. I mean, look at that thing. Perfection. Tony Parker's cartoonish mug. Tim Duncan's strangely menacing glare. Faux Crawford's helpless whistle. But the longer we looked at it, the more questions we had. Then we found this and got some questions answered, but we still have so many. Here are some of them.

No Regard Previews: A Prince Among Men

One Game We Will Definitely Watch Tonight: Milwaukee Bucks vs. New Orleans Hornets

There is only one division-leading squad taking the hardwood tonight in the Association. This same team happens to also be the employer of none other than the spectacular Luc Richard Mbah a Moute.

Did you know that Luc Richard Mbah a Moute is a Prince in Bia Messe, a village in Cameroon?

Were you aware that he has a brother playing college ball for the University of Texas? Hook em' horns!!

Any chance you are privy to the fact that he's played a total of 235 career NBA games? For all you mathematicians out there, that's 235 more NBA games than you've played (unless, by chance, you're a player in the NBA and reading our blog, if so, we love you and you're my favorite player ever). 

No Regard For Human Life, where facts happen. (Also, don't forget to donate to Wikipedia!)

One Game We Definitely Won't Watch Tonight: Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Detroit Pistons

Last season, the point-guard stylings of Ricky Rubio were cruelly stripped from our lives far too prematurely.  Now, during the budding stages of this 2012-2013 season, the gentleman whom, after seeing him play in person for the first time, our own Andrew Abides suggested was, "the only thing that matters" is watching his team play in church clothes from the bench. 

Kyrie Irving, the dazzling magician charged with easing the blow of LeBron's exit from Cleveland to South Beach, is injured and quite frankly (mind if I'm frank?), it's a real buzz-kill.

So instead of watching a young dude with the bollocks to challenge Kobe Bryant to a one-on-one game for serious dollar bills, the honest and hardworking people of Detroit, Michigan will have to settle for watching Coach Frank man the sidelines. Listen, nobody respects Lawrence more than our staff here, but right now his squad could use a most extreme makeover and his wacky antics alone an entertaining evening at the Palace do not make. Kyrie, get well soon.

One Final Game We Probably Won't Catch Tonight Either: Utah Jazz vs. Los Angeles Clippers

After defeating the Sacramento Kings on Saturday, Clipper reserve and tattooed journeyman Matt Barnes, who notched 12 professional basketball points during the competition, stated, "It's a long season, and it's important to get the production out of your starters and your bench."

Agreed, Matt. Well-said.

Who'd You Get?!: Shawn Kemp, Upper Deck (1991)

We at No Regard used to collect basketball cards. Convincing a parent to shuttle us and our friends to the local collector's shop was a consistently important victory. When we found out KMart was selling entire boxes for $20, we almost wore out our bike tires pedaling back and forth.

Now we've unearthed the cache, and the results are stunning. We've been reminded that players named Dino Radja and Wesley Person briefly and forcefully carved out steady roles for themselves in the league. We've been straight tickled by the goofy casual pics. And we've been touched and inspired by the relentless optimism of the copywriters. We hope you enjoy this odd time capsule, a Utopian angle from which to view the league, where everyone is the next somebody and context is pointless.

Back of the card after the jump.