No Regard For Human Life

Monday, October 29, 2012

No Regard Presidential Previews: Denver Nuggets (John Quincy Adams)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.” - John Quincy Adams

While he would never be as famous or well-remembered as his father, John Quincy Adams was a fantastic diplomat and a surprisingly progressive president. Elected in 1824 after a highly successful eight-year stint as Secretary of State that included acquiring Florida from Spain and authoring the Monroe Doctrine, John Quincy Adams opposed slavery and pushed for the modernization of American infrastructure.

The Nuggets were not supposed to matter after Carmelo Anthony forced a trade to the Knicks. Denver was destined to become Cleveland West, acquiring Danilo Gallinari, Wilson Chandler, Raymond Felton and others for Melo, Chauncey Billups and others. Well, Gallinari turned into a star, Ty Lawson began coming of age and the Nuggets drafted Kenneth Faried and traded for JaVale McGee, two phenomenal physical specimens.

An incredible diplomat, Adams was known for working peacefully with leaders around the world. The Nuggets seem to be willing to trade with pretty much anyone. This summer, after already shipping Nene to Washington for McGee, Denver dealt Arron Afflalo and Al Harrington for Andre Iguodala, another incredibly athletic, hard-working player to lead their young team. A team that took the Lakers to seven games in the first round the year after trading the biggest star in franchise history is only getting better. Where John Quincy Adams was a sneaky-good leader of the free world, the Nuggets are a sleeper team that could make noise in the Western Conference for years to come.

Will the young, upstart Nuggets continue to grow under super-coach George Karl? Will GM Masai Ujiri stir things up once more? Can the Nuggets reach the second round?

(On a separate note, do yourself a favor and search YouTube for "JaVale McGee dumb plays" you won't be disappointed. Keep in mind, this man is getting paid $10 million this year.)

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Zapdos

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Andre Miller a Great Teacher for Lawson"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Stuff JaVale Bought"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Why are you here? I thought you couldn't be killed."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Washington Wizards (William Howard Taft)

“I do not know much about politics, but I am trying to do the best I can with this administration until the time shall come for me to turn it over to somebody else.” - William H. Taft

William Howard Taft did not care about politics. He didn't know the system, didn't appoint the right people to the right positions within his party and didn't care about any of it. More than anything, Big Bill wanted to be a Supreme Court justice. Taft lucked into the presidency by gaining 159 more electoral votes than opponent William Jennings Bryan, but got only 51 percent of the popular vote. Four years later, in 1912, Taft won only eight electoral votes and suffered the worst defeat of an incumbent president in American history. In 1921 he got his wish of being named Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, so there's that.

The Washington Wizards do not make sense. The "glory years" of early playoff exits are long over. The Verizon Center has not been a fun place to be since $111 million dollar man Gilbert deemed it necessary to pack heat and the Gil-Tuff Juice-Antawn Jamison core was split up. Our nation's capital has featured a heavy dose of Andray Blatche getting booed, Nick Young and Jordan Crawford shooting within three seconds of touching the ball, questionable trades and an incredibly slow maturation process for John Wall.

Taft, by all accounts our fattest and most epically mustached President, wanted badly to lower tariffs despite Congress' unwillingness to go along with it. His own party was also against it, thus alienating all sides. Willing to trade seemingly anyone for anything, the Wizards turned a ton of guaranteed cap space in Rashard Lewis into the bloated deals of Emeka Okafor and Trevor Ariza. Okafor was brought in for veteran leadership while Ariza appears to be completely disinterested and has changed teams seven times in nine years. GM Ernie Grunfeld defended the move by saying free agents do not want to sign with the Wizards, so he had to do something. If you want to alienate both the players and fans, saying nobody would want to play with or for them is a pretty good start. If that's your thought process, you should not be an NBA general manager. (Also, what's he talking about? DC ain't half bad! It's at absolute worst the 11th best NBA city to live in.)

Our 27th President had his moments—helping to economically support Latin American countries using "Dollar Diplomacy," resisted unnecessary involvement in the Mexican Revolution and generally urged world peace. The Wizards, though not ready to actually compete for a playoff spot, have rid themselves of immature headcases Andray Blatche, Nick Young and JaVale McGee and replaced them with Okafor and Nene, two respected professionals. This is actually kind of a grown-up team now, and having responsible veterans around will help in the development of John Wall (once he gets healthy) and youngsters Bradley Beal and Jan Vesely.

Purchasing tickets to see this team appeals to me about as much as a trip to the William Howard Taft National Historic Site in Cincinnati, but they won't be the laughingstock Taft was that one time he got stuck in the bathtub and told his aides to use butter to get him out. If Taft can lose 80 pounds after being President and achieve his dream of being Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, the Wizards may one day get back into playoff contention (hopefully re-branded back to the Bullets).

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Koffing

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Ernie Grunfeld Still Not Yet Fired"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Jannero Pargo, Earl Barron Still in NBA"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Sorry JaVale and Nick weren't allowed to play with you anymore. I know you guys had fun at your laser tag birthday parties."

Saturday, October 27, 2012

No Regard Presidential Previews: Golden State Warriors (Harry S. Truman)

"Being too good is apt to be uninteresting." - Harry S. Truman

There have been two great upsets in the past 100 years: incumbent Harry S. Truman defeating Thomas Dewey and the "We Believe" Golden State Warriors defeating the top-seeded Dallas Mavericks in the 2007 playoffs.

Truman's 36 percent approval rating at the time was much higher than the chances anyone was giving the Warriors. But both fighters reached for and fully committed to their progressive morals to pull out their inspirational wins. Truman risked alienating many of his more socially conservative supporters by advocating sweeping civics rights reform; coach Don Nelson bit his thumb at traditional positions and ran out whatever five guys his Scotch-soaked mind grapes deemed worthy. Both wins were historic in their underdog status. "Dirk Defeats Baron" and all that.

But following this truly reformative victory, the Warriors have thus far squandered their second term. Baron's gone, Mayor Stephen Jackson is back where he's needed, Ellis was exiled, Nelson fled to Hawaii. The restocking fee? Untested coach Mark Jackson, unfruitful David Lee, unshaven Andrew Bogut and un-ankled Steph Curry. Look, I'm skipping around a bit here, folding time to help the narrative. But really, nothing's been happening at the Oracle since 2007.

This year, though, there is optimism. The roster is good and practical. Steph and Bogut should be a forceful offensive inside-out combo and Bogut is probably the second best defensive center. (But they should both also get the words "Barring Injury" tattooed on their chests.) Second-year guard Klay Thompson is primed to have a modest breakout and score 18 points a game. Harrison Barnes probably has some dope business cards all printed up. Jarrett Jack will soak up all those juicy Steph Curry missed games with his whole grain back-up point guard baguette. And then there are also other NBA players on the team, but who has an endless amount of time to type all of their names? No one, that's who.

Harry Truman's daughter Margaret was a singer. After a particularly scathing review of one show, he penned a letter to the critic:

Mr. Hume:

I've just read your lousy review of Margaret's concert. I've come to the conclusion that you are an "eight ulcer man on four ulcer pay."

It seems to me that you are a frustrated old man who wishes he could have been successful. When you write such poppy-cock as was in the back section of the paper you work for it shows conclusively that you're off the beam and at least four of your ulcers are at work.

Some day I hope to meet you. When that happens you'll need a new nose, a lot of beefsteak for black eyes, and perhaps a supporter below!

Pegler, a gutter snipe, is a gentleman alongside you. I hope you'll accept that statement as a worse insult than a reflection on your ancestry.

H.S.T.

You know Mark Jackson would do the same for his guys.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers:

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Electabuzz

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Curry, Bogut Sidelined Again"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Andris Biedrins Goes 10-10 From The Line"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "You just went right ahead and claimed the state's nickname for your own use? Strong move."

Friday, October 26, 2012

No Regard Presidential Previews: Minnesota Timberwolves (Chester Arthur)

"Good ballplayers make good citizens." - Chester A. Arthur

When Chester A. Arthur took office in 1881, people were expecting disappointment. As the successor to the assassinated James Garfield, Arthur was seen as a product of the New York political machine, someone who would bring corruption and backdoor dealings to the White House. On top of that, Arthur's health was fragile; he was diagnosed with a kidney disease shortly after assuming the job. All in all, things didn't look promising.

But four years later, when he left office, Arthur had cemented himself as perhaps one of the most likable and level-headed presidents in U.S. history. He enacted civil service reform laws to put and end to the spoils system. He pushed Congress to roll back their Chinese exclusion immigration bill, which was a really dickish bill. He also fought a dickish Congress and Supreme Court on several anti-Black measures. Through all this, he worked hard to compromise with opposing Democrats while standing up for his beliefs. Like Obama, he was unable to pass all the liberal measures he desired to, because politics is a pain in the ass, but he was simply way more effective and honorable than just about anybody thought he would be. He ended his term as a resounding success.

Now I could tell you some of the ways in which the Minnesota Timberwolves align with the Chester Arthur I've talked about above (fine, I will): they and their fans are gearing up for disappointment, largely due to the health concerns of Kevin Love and Ricky Rubio (the latter much longer-term); they certainly don't want to limit immigration; they will likely perform better than most people think they will—despite the injuries, there are some nice new pieces like Andrei "Back in America" Kirilenko, Brandon Roy, and Chase "Puffy" Budinger, as well as some solid frontcourt returns in Greg Stiemsma, Derrick Williams and Nikola Pekovic. This is a team that will, I believe, leave us saying "Hey, that wasn't so bad!" at the end of the season.

Those things are not really the meat of this comparison, though. The meat of this comparison is that Chester A. Arthur is simply the presidential spirit animal of the Timberwolves, with their goofy, quasi-hippie bro of a star player in Love and their overall quirkiness. Here are some things you should know about Arthur that are arguably more important than any of his actual policies:

He had AMAZING facial hair
Once, when he was feeling sick, he decided to take a two-week restorative vacation to Yellowstone, where he probably did opium or something I bet
He played the banjo(!)

Just tell me he wouldn't have a good time with this guy:

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers:

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Machop

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "The Minnesota Timberwolves Have a Lot of White Players"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Mike Love Names Kevin Love as the Sole New Beach Boys Member"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "You guys wanna jam?"

Thursday, October 25, 2012

No Regard Presidential Previews: Memphis Grizzlies (Benjamin Harrison)

"Great lives never go out; they go on." - Benjamin Harrison

Zach Randolph and his Memphis Grizzles made a serious name for themselves when they crushed the San Antonio Spurs as the eighth seed in the 2011 playoffs. The NBA landscape was officially shocked—the old guard from Texas had been taken to task by a bunch of upstarts from Tennessee. Underdogs everywhere gained swag and the world once again seemed like a place where the mighty could fall and the unexpected was possible.

Benjamin Harrison raised his metaphorical middle finger to the bullies of big business when he signed the Sherman Anti-Trust Act. No longer could corporate fat cats monopolize the free market without opposition from the United States Government: a huge victory for the little guy that remains intact today. Harrison also fought for voting and education rights for African Americans, a discussion that dulled after his presidency until the 1930s.

The Grizzlies' roller-coaster fairytale ride sadly came to a painful halt when OKC downed the hopes of bandwagon fans everywhere in a hotly contested seven game series. But the future was bright for Marc Gasol and company. In 2012, they would take the next step. Or would they? The tragic injury of the reborn Z-Bo put a damper on the regular season. His half-hearted return was genuine, but he was clearly no longer the rebounding and scoring machine he was the year prior. Memphis fell at the hands of glitter and alley-oops in the first round of the playoffs.

America's economic climate quickly made things very awkward for Harrison and his attempted re-election. All that tariff malarkey apparently made imported goods pretty damn expensive; it seemed like all of Washington was jumping off the Harrison train. Combine that with Harrison's deathly sick wife—making him incapable of campaigning for himself—and the election was all but over.

Life moved on for Harrison after his short time as Commander-in-Chief, and he definitely engaged in some worthwhile ventures. Apart from remarrying a young lady 25 years his junior, he spewed law lectures at Stanford University and had a hand in the creation of the first commemorative postage stamp. Pretty neat.

For Memphis, anything could happen this season. The gang is pretty much the same and while their last two years have been emotionally wacky, there's no doubt that the 2013 outfit has the potential to do some pretty damn neat stuff themselves.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers:

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Slowpoke

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Mike Conley Jr. Struggles to Check Opposing Guards"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Z-Bo Voted to NBA All-Star Game as Starter"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Just for the record, God didn't choose Memphis."

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

No Regard Presidential Previews: Chicago Bulls (Abraham Lincoln/Andrew Johnson)

"Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure." - Abraham Lincoln

"I feel incompetent to perform duties so important and responsible as those which have been so unexpectedly thrown upon me." - Andrew Johnson

I know it's kind of an insensitive thing to say, but I imagine the feeling of being in Ford's Theater on April 14, 1865, and watching President Abraham Lincoln get shot was not altogether dissimilar to the feeling of watching Derrick Rose go down with a torn ACL in Game 1 of the Bulls playoff series against the Sixers this past April. Obviously, the death of the leader of the free world is far more tragic than an athlete suffering an injury, but the absolute terror of watching the NBA's most exciting point guard writhing on the floor was one of the most jarring experiences of my adult life. No joke.

The man that took over after that fateful evening on the balcony was Andrew Johnson. Not Andrew Jackson, but Andrew Johnson. For someone who was thrown into such an insanely intense situation, you'd think we'd hear more about him. Maybe we don't because of the fact that—especially compared to Lincoln—he was sort of a douchebag royale. Over the course of the four years he was in office, Johnson continued to lean further to the right (did they say that back then?) on the issues of civil rights and holding Confederate leaders accountable. After everything Abe did, his successor went on to veto Congress' Civil Rights Bill, a move that almost got him impeached. Johnson was a complete letdown after the man who brought the country the Emancipation Proclamation.

This season's Bulls may look a lot like Andrew Johnson's presidency, minus all the racism. Last year, until the playoffs, the Bulls were the likeliest candidates to prevent the Heat from steamrolling their way to the Finals. This year, they will be playing the majority of the season, if not the whole thing, without their star point guard and without some of their strong bench players from last year (Ronnie Brewer, C.J. Watson, Omer Asik, Kyle Korver). They will likely take a large step backward from the glory days they saw in the not-too distant past.

Or, ya know what, they may just exceed all expectations and show a gutsiness and resolve that would be far more reminiscent of Lincoln. Luol Deng and Joakim Noah will need to play better than they ever have on the offensive end. Carlos Boozer will need to come close to averaging a double-double. Kirk Hinrich will need to remember he's a starting point guard and play like it. And role players like Nate Robinson, Marquis Teague, Taj Gibson and Marco Belinelli will need to provide a spark off the bench that can catch fire like last year's crew's did.

While all of those pieces aligning may sound like a stretch, keep in mind that Tom Thibodeau is still Chicago's coach, and I'm not sure I'd ever vote against one of that man's teams overachieving and making a run for the playoffs. If he can motivate this team to play for their fallen hero, to keep the spirit that he left them with last spring, they have a chance to become one of the best stories in the NBA this year. If that happens, and if Rose can get onto the court by the time the postseason rolls around, this is a team that could pull together at the right time and surprise a lot of people.

Thibodeau can unite his team like Lincoln united his country. Or, terrible circumstances can lead to a serious regression like our nation's most iconic president falling victim to a loony with a gun led to some major setbacks to the policies he fought hard to put forth.

These will be trying times for the Bulls, no doubt. But there is potential for them to make this season their Gettysburg Address, their declaration that they remain strong, united and free.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Tauros

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Rose Can't Come Back Soon Enough"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Thibodeau Challenges Spoelstra to Arm Wrestle for Coach of the Year Honors"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "I'll tell ya, Derrick, watching you go down was as bad for me as Lincoln getting shot."

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

No Regard Presidential Previews: Dallas Mavericks (Andrew Jackson)

“No one need think that the world can be ruled without blood. The civil sword shall and must be red and bloody.” - Andrew Jackson

No matter how you look at it, Old Hickory always had something new going on. A Tennessee Supreme Court Judge, hero of the War of 1812 and former one-year U.S. Senator, Jackson went on to drive the Seminole Indians out of Florida mostly with warning shots and upon finding that the British and Spanish were secretly assisting the Seminoles, captured and killed the Europeans leading the aide attempts. This led to Spain ceding Florida to the United States.

You would think that'd be quite enough for one lifetime, but the dueling, swashbuckling Jackson was just getting started. After serving another two years in the Senate (25 years after his initial term), Andrew Jackson was elected President in 1928 and invited the general public to the Inaugural Ball inside the White House, which became overrun with people. Jacksonian Democracy was geared toward greater democracy for "the common man." Andrew Jackson was anything but common.

Mark Cuban and Dirk Nowitzki's Dallas Mavericks have transformed themselves from the Nash/Michael Finley/Dirk running and gunning Big 3 that could never get to the finals to the Avery Johnson-led Devin Harris/Josh Howard/Erick Dampier finalists to Rick Carlisle's Kidd/Matrix/Chandler/Dirk Champions to the Dirk/Matrix/cap fodder enigma they are today. The Mavericks have made the playoffs every years since 2001 and have faced the Suns and Spurs seven times in those 12 years. Historians vary on the number of duels Andrew Jackson won in his lifetime (between 13 and 100, even the former of which is 13 times too many for a sane person to decide to have a loaded gun pointed at him), but the Mavericks have certainly had their fair share of showdowns against rivals and other challengers. They may not always win, but the Mavericks have been there, done that when it comes to win or go home showdowns, and they've done it with all forms of lineups and styles of play.

Though Steve Nash and Tyson Chandler didn't exactly take a Trail of Tears out of Dallas (each were paid very handsomely by their new teams), it seems rather common that former Mavericks players leave the organization with bitter feelings. Mark Cuban is certainly not afraid to rub anyone the wrong way (once telling Kenyon Martin's mom that her son is a thug) and is no stranger to discipline from the league office. That said, Cuban has changed what it means to be a sports owner, becoming a very controversial public figure and actively participating in running the team. While remembered as someone who changed the presidency for the better, Jackson had his own questionable moments, allowing the Spoils System to take root, initiating the Indian Removal Act (it was exactly what it sounds like) and raising tariffs, which caused the Nullification Crisis. Both men, however, did everything in their power to make their union stronger by any means necessary.

The current Mavericks are not as exciting as they used to be. Gone are Jason Terry, Tyson Chandler, Jason Kidd, Brandan Haywood, heck, even DeShawn Stevenson and the championship team of 2011. The point guard situation is pretty mediocre (Darren Collison and Roddy Beaubois), there are way too many wings (including the ghost of Vince Carter) and Elton Brand seems to have surfaced in Dallas to back up Dirk. He, OJ Mayo and Chris Kaman were the big additions to the Mavs roster this year after the Mavs whiffed on signing Deron Williams and Dwight Howard. This roster has the 6th or 7th seed and a first round exit written all over it. At least they've got Delonte West around to provide some general tomfoolery. All good rides come to an end, and it appears the Mavs, like Old Hickory, are just moving on to their next incarnation.

This is usually where I draw one final parallel to the president to whom I am comparing the team. Instead, I am using this space to tell you to root for 27-year old rookie center Bernard James. Bernard served three tours over six years in the United States Air Force in Iraq, Kuwait and Qatar before being drafted in the second round this summer. The next time you see former Maverick and current fat disgrace Lamar Odom wasting away on the Clippers bench essentially stealing his $8 million salary, think of Bernard James and be thankful he survived the rocket attack that struck his camp in Iraq. The NBA is better with him in it.

Bernard James, thank you for being a great American.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Ponyta

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Cuban Fined for Criticizing Officials"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Delonte West Does Thing"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Welcome to Heaven, ya sure gave 'em hell! I'm here all week, folks."

Monday, October 22, 2012

No Regard Presidential Previews: Los Angeles Lakers (Ronald Reagan)

"Concentrated power has always been the enemy of liberty." - Ronald Reagan

Ronald Reagan would please ask that you stay out of his way.

On March 30, 1981, Ronald Reagan became the first sitting U.S. president to survive a gunshot wound from an assassination attempt. Following the attack, just 69 days into his presidency, Reagan's approval rating shot up to 73% and then he went on to be one of the most successful, accomplished, divisive presidents over the course of his two terms. Not sure what was in that bullet, but we'd all be so lucky to get some.

Jerry Buss would please ask that you stay out of his way.

On December 8, 2011, Jerry Buss became the first acting NBA owner to survive a vetoed trade at the hands of Commissioner (and at that time, owner) David Stern. Like Reagan (and Obi-Wan) before him, Buss made the assassination attempt look foolish. If you strike down Dr. Jerry Buss, he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. Take away his all-star point guard before he even gets a chance to don the jersey? He'll go out and get a Hall of Fame point guard and supplant him with Dwight Howard. Then start talking about going after LeBron in two years. You make him share his revenue? Fine, he'll make you tax him into oblivion just to see who blinks first. He's small government to the death and will gladly enter an arms race at the mention of another team's dynasty. We should all be so lucky.

There's a lot here: A Hollywood President. Reaganomics. Phil Jackson as Reagan's early Democratic tendencies. Reagan's War on Drugs and the fact that War on Drugs (the band) are huge NBA fans. Guys, it's all there if we just believe.

And then, there's Lakers fans and Young Republicans, who are probably all the same people. I guess Republicans read blogs, too, but you all seem crazy and entitled. I'm sorry. (I'm not sorry.)

Sorry, to ignore the actual basketball team that the Lakers are trotting out this year, but they are scary and I'm still getting better at facing my problems head on. Bedtime for Bonzo? More like bedtime for the rest of the league. We're all in trouble.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Mewtwo

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Kobe and Dwight and Nash and Pau and World Peace"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Nash Takes Leave of Absence to Chase MLS Cup With Henry"[Ed. - We'll never stop this campaign.]

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "I give up."