No Regard Presidential Previews: Philadelphia 76ers (Thomas Jefferson)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." - Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson has a rather interesting place in presidential history. From what I can tell, people tend to think of him as a great American more than a great president. He peaked early, way before becoming President in 1801, as the main author of that classic 1776 title, the Declaration of Independence. Before his election, he was also a member of the Continental Congress, a diplomat in Paris, the first Secretary of the State of the U.S. and a Vice President. His resume was stacked when he came into office, but it seems he wasn't quite happy to be known as merely a great American. He wanted to be the top dog.

The Philadelphia 76ers are a team with a long, great history. Three championships. Erving, Barkley, Iverson, Malone, Chamberlain, Stackhouse (only kind of kidding). At this point, they could pretty much rest on their laurels if they wanted to. Turns out, though, that basketball franchises, like politicians, are always hungry for more glory. So after a decade of being decent but failing to live up to the glow of their legacy, the Sixers got a little crazy over the offseason in an attempt to make like Jefferson and reach even higher levels than they ever have before. They did so by trading away longtime centerpiece and jack-of-all-trades Andre Iguodala in a four-team deal that brought Andrew Bynum in from his discontented perch in Los Angeles.

It was the kind of move that is made by a team that needs to shake things up not because they're in the cellar but because they're trying to hang out in the attic. Bynum is a player who can turn a team into a championship contender; he's one of the game's dominant post players and he's young enough that he may even get better. But he is also a player who can cause a lot of heartache. His health is a serious concern, having already needed knee surgery in the past and now battling a bone bruise in the same area that has him out indefinitely to start his campaign in Philly.

Temporarily playing without Bynum will be a good test for the rest of the team. Can Jrue Holiday and Evan Turner become one of the league's top young backcourt duos? Holiday will do his part, but Turner needs to be more aggressive this year. Will Nick Young and Dorell Wright take smart shots? No, but if they make them, that's okay. Will Spencer Hawes and Thaddeus Young be able to provide adequate support for Bynum down low? They should be able to, but holding it down when he's out will be another story.

Everything will have to go very much right for the Sixers to reap the kind of rewards they're hoping for from their offseason shuffling. If it does, it could be the start of a very successful period at the top, an icing on history's cake as sweet as presidency must have been for Jefferson—a legacy move, so to speak. If it doesn't, it could damage the reputation they've built up over the decades as much as knowledge of Jefferson's slave ownership has called his merits into question over time.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Chansey

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Bynum Walks Out on Crutches"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "NBA Forces Bynum to Cut Afro After Complaints of Distraction"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Nick, why didn't you tell me you were gonna wear that shirt, too? This is awkward."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Utah Jazz (George H. W. Bush)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"We are not the sum of our possessions." - George H. W. Bush

The Jazz are very promising, but as of three weeks ago, a group of nine NBA fanatics in Brooklyn struggled to name the team’s two starting guards.

“Mo Williams!” someone shouted after 90 seconds. Yes! We were progress embodied! Forward. Another 90 seconds; harder than we expected. We named Jeremy Evans, acknowledged Devin Harris’ departure and joked about John Stockton like a college sophomore at a Skidmore open mic night. Another two minutes and nothing. We moved on. Progress.

Look, I still haven’t looked up who that other starting guard is. I promise this is true. Also true is that while writing this, I’m listening to Drake’s “Miss Me” and Lil Wayne just said “Young Money Jerry Sloan.” *drops mic*

*picks up mic again because you came here to read a preview*

Bush 41 once referred to presidential foresight and overall plan as “the vision thing.” His non-strategy served him well for much of his career, but couldn’t get him a second term. Utah’s rushed plan to trade Deron Williams before he caused a scene and they lost him for nothing worked in the short term. But now they’re left with a thousand bigs (Jefferson, Favors, Kanter, Milsap) and Marvin Williams. If Kevin O'Connor can summon a touch of “the vision thing” and turn one or two of those tall guys into other, more form-fitting pieces, this team will get that second term and become a serious contender. If they don’t, then they might as well start building that presidential library of mediocrity. Which is fine too I guess. Not really going to lose any sleep over this.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Ninetales



Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Is Paul Milsap An All-Star?"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Jerry Sloan Buys Season Courtside Seats, Heckles"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Ok, dish: What did Deron say to Jerry?"

No Regard Presidential Previews: New Orleans Hornets (Franklin D. Roosevelt)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"The country needs and, unless I mistake its temper, the country demands bold, persistent experimentation. It is common sense to take a method and try it: If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, widely considered one of the greatest presidents in U.S. history, was the kind of man who was willing to put all his chips down on a big solution. When FDR took office in 1933, the country was in the midst of the Great Depression, with American citizens feeling hopeless, not knowing where to turn to get their lives back to normal. He quickly began implementing his New Deal, a set of policies that he hoped would create jobs and encourage spending. There's a lot of debate about how effective the New Deal was; some say the policies were ineffective and poorly planned for the long term, and that despite job growth through 1937, the return to recession in the years following proves that FDR's plan was not the panacea it is often thought to have been. It's clear that the New Deal was an immediate, positive burst out of a Depression, but harder to say how much positive impact it had beyond that. Could it have worked better? Could another dip a few years later have been avoided somehow? Who knows. What history remembers is that the United States was in much better shape in 1934 than it was in 1932, and that a few years after that, an unprecedented war would change the game once again.

The New Orleans Hornets are a team not unfamiliar with adversity. After the tragic Hurricane Katrina (geez, what timing) struck their city in August 2005, the Hornets temporarily relocated to Oklahoma City. Although attendance was significantly higher in OKC than in the 2004-2005 season in New Orleans, they were still a team without a real home. It couldn't have been easy for anyone in the organization to deal with an additional level of transience. Upon returning to New Orleans in 2007-2008, the Hornets had a triumphant season, winning the Southwest Division, going to the second round of the playoffs and playing the role of host team for a celebration-filled All-Star weekend. This resiliency came on the back of Chris Paul, the best player the Hornets have ever had. For those first couple seasons back in NOLA, with him in control, things had a bit of a Roaring '20s kind of feel.

But then, before last season, heartache came again when Paul demanded a trade and was shipped off to the Clippers in exchange for Eric Gordon, Chris Kaman, Al-Farouq Amino and a draft pick. Those are fine enough players, but even as a package, those guys can't come close to matching the impact of the top point guard in the league. It was a rough year for the Hornets, who finished 21-45, good for the worst record in the Western Conference. The dancing days were over and things looked as dark and depressing as the Hoover years.

The bright side of that season was, of course, the fact that the Hornets won the draft lottery and were granted the first pick this past June. With it, they made the only decision possible: Draft Anthony Davis. Davis is a Big Idea of a player, a defensive monster who has the potential to change the way the game is played on that end. All of New Orleans' chips are down on him—he is their New Deal.

The trendy prediction over the last few months seems to be that Davis will be a bust, that he doesn't have the offensive weapons or a strong enough body to be a true franchise player in the NBA. [Ed. - I've not seen this predictions.] Don't believe the anti-hype. We've never seen a player who can cover so much ground as quickly or with as much length as Davis can. Opponents of the Kentucky Wildcats who thought they had open perimeter shots quickly found out that when playing against AD, there is really no such thing. He will get there, and he will likely keep the ball in bounds to set up a transition basket.

I have faith in this man, but he won't be able to do it all himself. Luckily, the Hornets are already starting to build a solid supporting cast. Gordon has a lot of potential and if he stays healthy, he could become an All-Star level shooting guard. Offseason acquisitions Robin Lopez and Ryan Anderson are nice pieces: Lopez should be a good, experienced backup for Davis and Anderson has shown that he is one of the league's most dangerous outside threats. Things will get interesting at the point guard position, where Greivis Vasquez will have to fight off what I think will be a serious starting rotation threat from Austin Rivers. The team is noticeably weak at the three, with Aminu currently in possession of the starting spot over Hakim Warrick and another Kentucky rookie, Darius Miller. Miller, a four-year Wildcat and last year's SEC Sixth Man of the Year, may be starting before long.

The Hornets dumped a lot of players before this season, most notably Kaman, Trevor Ariza and Gustavo Ayon. If you take Davis out of the equation, they would be a weaker team than last year. With him there, though, they are a team not to ignore, one that has an outside but legitimate chance at a playoff spot. While there's some debate about how much credit we can give FDR's New Deal, if the Hornets can become a serious player in the West, there will be no question that Davis is the man to thank.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Onix

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Davis Had a Bad Game: Is He a Bust?"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Anonymous Angel Donates Knees to Eric Gordon"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "What's up with the t-shirt under the jersey? Are you ashamed of what I gave you?"

No Regard Presidential Previews: Cleveland Cavaliers (James Garfield)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“There can be no permanent disenfranchised peasantry in the United States.” - James Garfield

Despite serving eight terms in the House of Representatives, James Garfield's rise was seen as meteoric, as the son of a local wrestler became the first president ever elected directly from the House. Garfield's term was short-lived but eventful, somehow fitting in Civil Service Reform, a Naval modernization bill, a trade treaty with Madagascar, a Supreme Court appointment, placement of African Americans to prominent government posts and some economic stuff I don't understand into only 200 days. On July 2, 1881, Garfield was shot by a psychotic stalker and died from related complications that September.

James Garfield's presidency, as the Cavs contender status, seemed to end as quickly as it started. Over two years later, it is impossible to mentally separate the Cavaliers from "The Decision," possibly history's most ill-advised TV special. The Cavaliers, previously most famous for being on the receiving end of Jordan-over-Ehlo in 1989, rose to prominence in the mid-2000s on the back of local wunderkind LeBron Raymone James. With five playoff appearances in a row, two number one seeds, one NBA Finals trip and an additional Conference Finals exit, Cleveland enjoyed a quick rise from the lottery to being a perennial contender. Then "The Decision" happened. A team that had only two home losses in '08-'09 and was the top seed again the following year immediately fell back to irrelevancy at the bottom of the Eastern Conference. It happened so fast it feels like it never happened at all.

Even a metal detector specially invented by Alexander Graham Bell couldn't locate the bullet in the 20th President's body and save his life. However, modern medicine (or maybe it was a trade with the Clippers, it was probably the trade with the Clippers) was able to give the Cavs a modicum of hope. The Cavs traded Mo Williams to LA's B-squad for Baron Davis and a first rounder and, wouldn't ya know, that pick turned out to be number one overall (on a separate note, Baron Davis's last action in a Clipper uniform was throwing a pass out of the sunroof of a Kia Optima). The Cavs chose Uncle Drew Kyrie Irving, added Tristan Thompson three picks later and a new core was formed.

As exciting as the spectacular Irving is, it's hard not to read the Cavs roster and think "who?" every third or fourth name. Anderson Varejao is the highest-paid player on the team and Luke Walton, so far removed from the glory days of Laker women, is second on the list. Varejao might start for a contender, but Walton has been on contenders before and didn't get a ton of (on-court) action. There is vague hope for the future, but this isn't really a team to get excited about yet. There will be a lot of double-digit losses and probably another lottery appearance, but at least they have a future. At least the assassination, unlike Garfield's, didn't go as planned.


Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Diglett


Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Irving Looking to Make 'The Leap'"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Cavs Offer Five Minutes of Game Time to Local Tall Dude, Fans Mistake Him for Actual Cavs Benchwarmer"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Oh yeah, some jerk on ESPN wearing a purple checkered shirt said you might be coming."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Milwaukee Bucks (James Monroe)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“It is only when the people become ignorant and corrupt, when they degenerate into a populace, that they are incapable of exercising their sovereignty.” - James Monroe


James Monroe was a Founding Father of the United States. A great patriot, he was elected in a landslide in 1816 after serving as a U.S. Senator, Governor of Virginia and Ambassador to France. His diplomacy skills would be needed domestically during his time in office, as the sectional dispute over Missouri's admittance to the union threatened to rip the country apart. A great compromise was reached, allowing the delicate balance of the nation to continue for a few more decades before the South seceded. 

The Milwaukee Bucks, by all accounts, have been a below average franchise over the past decade or so. Since the departures of Ray Allen and George Karl in 2003, the Bucks have mired in mediocrity. As Monroe's most important moments arguably came before his Presidency in keeping European interests out of the new nation and participating in the founding of the United States, the Bucks' greatest moments came decades ago, when a squad led by legends Oscar Robertson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (then Lew Alcindor) swept the Baltimore Bullets for the title in the Bucks' third year of existence. The past several seasons in Milwaukee have been more reflective of Monroe's post-presidential years, which were marred by personal financial problems and the sale of his plantation, but his name remains among the most influential of his time.

As previously mentioned, the fifth President of the United States had the momentous task of reconciling the admission of Missouri as a slave state to the union without losing control of the senate by adding two more slave-state members. To hedge against this, Monroe admitted Maine (then a satellite region of Massachusetts) as a free state, thus maintaining the balance of power in the country. The new-look Bucks face a balancing act of their own, with shoot-first backcourt mates Monta Ellis and No Regard Favorite Brandon Jennings lending new meaning to "not enough basketballs." Ellis was acquired in exchange for former #1 overall pick Andrew Bogut, his disfigured arms and all-time headcase Stephen Jackson, who has a large tattoo of a handgun on his chest and a brand new track out with Kevin Durant. Coach Scott Skiles will have to find enough touches for Ellis and Jennings while keeping them happy, or it's another season where nobody Fears the Deer. 

The Monroe Doctrine announced America's intent to stay neutral in European affairs, intending to let the new country develop on its own rather than asserting influence on the rest of the world. Ellis, Jennings, Ekpe Udoh and rookie John Henson will need to grow together quickly to assert themselves into the affairs of the rest of the Eastern Conference and become relevant again. This team has the look of a squad that will hover just below .500, but get a random 12-point win in Boston or Miami and temporarily scare the croup out of the rest of the conference. Can the young Bucks (too easy) grow together and contend for the 8th seed in the East, becoming the Team You Don't Want to Face? Will Ellis and Jennings be able to share the ball and remain effective? Why is Beno Udrih making $7 million for this team?

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Doduo



Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Dalembert Provides Quiet Leadership"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Alien vs. Marquis Daniels Flops at Box Office"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Oh yeah you guys took the Hawks to seven games a couple years ago. I forgot about you guys!"

Business as Unusual

photo courtesy CBS Boston

Hey everybody. We hope you're all okay. Things are obviously pretty crazy on the East Coast right now, and it's not the least awkward time to talk about sports. But whether we're ready for it or not, the NBA season starts tonight. We're all safe over here, and we're excited to have basketball back. Of course, as we watch tonight, we'll have much else on our minds, and our hearts go out to everyone who has no power, no cable, no home, or no time to think about games because they have much more serious things about which to worry. For those of us who are lucky, let's be extra grateful about our good fortune, about our ability to live a "normal" life full of LeBron triple-doubles, Rondo needle thread passes, Kyrie blossoming, John Wall speed, Dirk cheering from the bench, and a new era of villainy in Los Angeles. It's going to be a good night for some, a rough night for others, but here's hoping that the new season makes each of our lives better or easier to get through, if only slightly.

No Regard Presidential Previews: New York Knicks (George W. Bush)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - George W. Bush

When we first came up with the idea to link presidents to teams for our NBA season previews, it didn't take long for a sense of dread to come over me. I was very much looking forward to fleshing this whole thing out, of course, but I also knew that there'd have to be a discussion I very much wished to avoid: that of who to pair with my Knicks.

The idea of W. was not mine, and at first, I fought it hard. I had lots of reasons for why we just couldn't make that comparison. The Knicks are a decent team, and W. was a terrible president (objective journalism!). The Knicks are an historically flashy team in one of the country's most liberal cities; W. was a "good ol' boy" who gave shape to much of the conservative, anti-"urban elitist" rhetoric that has dominated the right over the past four-plus years. The Knicks are an endlessly frustrating, reactionary, often bumbling team owned by a megalomaniac who... shit, wait a second.

I soon realized that there was no escaping this. The emotions that race through my body when I think back to the week after November 2, 2004—sadness, anger, hopelessness—are very similar to the emotions I wake up with every day as a Knicks fan. James Dolan, the team's infamous owner, has a sadistic knack for spitting in the face of logic and evidence and making decisions that should be seen as illegal. To outsiders, Dolan's reign can appear as an exercise in comic incompetence; ha, another dumb decision, silly guy! We on the frontlines of the War Against Happiness know, however, that he is not just a dunce who knocks everything over as he stumbles across the floor. He is a dangerous man who puts politics above the well-being of his subjects and who has the ability to inflict damage that will outlast him. While you could say the same for just about any president, W. lived those principles to the extreme.

So now, here I am, on the wrong side of the second term, wondering how the hell I let this—my Knicks fandom—last this long, how I allowed my life to be dictated by this jerk for the foreseeable future. I made this bed, James Dolan shat in it, and now I have to lie in a bed with a bunch of James Dolan's shit.

What about this year, though? Does it hold promise that things will be easier to get through, that my disappointment will be tempered? It's possible, but I doubt it. The health of Tyson Chandler and Amar'e Stoudemire are both in question, to the extent that Rasheed Wallace has been told to report for duty. Letting Jeremy Lin fly the coop and bringing in Raymond "The Felch" Felton and backup Jason Kidd is not a terrible basketball move, but neither one of those guys will be an X-factor, even if Felton returns to his previous Knicks-era level of production. Our shoot-em-up bench players, Steve Novak and J.R. Smith, will not see as many open looks as last year, both because defenses know not to leave them alone and Felton and Kidd don't have the ability to draw in defenses as well as Lin did.

The two players who, for my money, will decide the fate of the Knicks this year are Iman Shumpert and Carmelo Anthony. When Sophomore Shump returns from injury around January, he will hopefully bring the kind of defensive guard intensity he showed during his freshman campaign, the kind that straight up wins ball games down the stretch. Along with Chandler, he makes the Knicks a team that can score off turnovers, which they'll need to do. (For now, he'll continue harassing Andray Blatche.)

Of course, Carmelo Anthony is the man with the real weight of the world on his shoulders. Melo, as the only completely healthy star on the Knicks November 1 roster, will be the undisputed center of the team's offense, a role he relishes. If he can use the opportunity to become a true leader at both ends of the court, the Knicks could flourish along with him. But he will be working without much help for at least a month, and even though some might say he likes it that way, there's no denying that the Knicks cannot rely on him alone for too extended a period of time. I wish I were more confident that the team would be able to get off to a hot enough start to keep them in the mix into the spring, but I've learned that optimism is toxic for Knicks fans.

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Voltorb

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "[Knicks Suck Pun]!"- New York Post

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Video: Shumpert and Blatche Pushing Fight Caught on Subway!"- WorldStarHipHop

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Sorry James, you can't come in."

No Regard Presidential Previews: Denver Nuggets (John Quincy Adams)

Oh the season. Oh the season! Election or NBA, both are upon us. We're getting into the spirit by bringing you our season previews (with a little help from the presidents). One per day for the next 30 days—which will bring us to the Day of Reckoning. So please join us on the campaign trail as we shake hands, kiss babies and sink jumpers.

“Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.” - John Quincy Adams

While he would never be as famous or well-remembered as his father, John Quincy Adams was a fantastic diplomat and a surprisingly progressive president. Elected in 1824 after a highly successful eight-year stint as Secretary of State that included acquiring Florida from Spain and authoring the Monroe Doctrine, John Quincy Adams opposed slavery and pushed for the modernization of American infrastructure.

The Nuggets were not supposed to matter after Carmelo Anthony forced a trade to the Knicks. Denver was destined to become Cleveland West, acquiring Danilo Gallinari, Wilson Chandler, Raymond Felton and others for Melo, Chauncey Billups and others. Well, Gallinari turned into a star, Ty Lawson began coming of age and the Nuggets drafted Kenneth Faried and traded for JaVale McGee, two phenomenal physical specimens.

An incredible diplomat, Adams was known for working peacefully with leaders around the world. The Nuggets seem to be willing to trade with pretty much anyone. This summer, after already shipping Nene to Washington for McGee, Denver dealt Arron Afflalo and Al Harrington for Andre Iguodala, another incredibly athletic, hard-working player to lead their young team. A team that took the Lakers to seven games in the first round the year after trading the biggest star in franchise history is only getting better. Where John Quincy Adams was a sneaky-good leader of the free world, the Nuggets are a sleeper team that could make noise in the Western Conference for years to come.

Will the young, upstart Nuggets continue to grow under super-coach George Karl? Will GM Masai Ujiri stir things up once more? Can the Nuggets reach the second round?

(On a separate note, do yourself a favor and search YouTube for "JaVale McGee dumb plays" you won't be disappointed. Keep in mind, this man is getting paid $10 million this year.)

Rushed Pull-Up Jumpers

Pokemon who the team should adopt as its new mascot: Zapdos

Headline we'll be most sick of reading: "Andre Miller a Great Teacher for Lawson"

Headline we're most looking forward to: "Stuff JaVale Bought"

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you enter the pearly gates?: "Why are you here? I thought you couldn't be killed."